I guess it's time to move ahead with divorce?

[memomma]

Last night my 16yo daughter was sick with a headache and was sleeping on the couch downstairs. Our house is all open downstairs...the family room flows into the kitchen, etc.

Anyway, my husband came into the family room (where she was sleeping) and turned on the TV very loud. She said she didn't say anything for an hour or so but it was really bothering her so she asked him could he turn it off. She told him (she said) that a candle in her bedroom was aggrevating her headache and that was why she was sleeping on the couch since she was sick. Anyway, he goes into the kitchen and turns on the big overhead light. She asked him to turn it off and use the stove light because that light was bothering her head.....I'm thinking she had a migraine. Anyway, he said no. (This man is her stepfather by the way) Finally she said she got tired of the loud TV and the light and went over and shut off the TV. He turned it on. She turned it off. He turned it on. She went to turn it off again and he pushed her. She pushed him back. He went to push her again but somehow pushed her at the neck area.

I was asleep upstairs when all this was going on. It woke me up when I heard her yell "you ever touch me again, I'll break your face!"

(My daughter doesn't talk like this. She is usually pretty well behaved and generally respectful towards adults. This is not normal behavior for her.)

So needless to say, I'm awake by now and getting dressed to come downstairs and she calls for me. I tell her to come upstairs and to tell me what's going on. She tells me the above and she is so upset that she is trembling. I get her settled down and into her bedroom and go downstairs.

I told him if/when he has a problem with one of my kids....he is to call me. He is NOT to touch them...ever. He said he didn't. He is like "you don't believe me so why bother?" I asked him "did you push her?" He kind of smirks and shakes his head and then says no.

I think he is lying.

WHY would she have yelled what she did to him if he hadn't pushed her?

It makes no sense to me.

She would not have yelled those words and then been so upset when she came upstairs.

I have already told him we are getting a divorce. I have not yet filed the papers because I was waiting to get things in order financially I guess. I told him we are officially seperated.....we've been sleeping in seperate rooms since the 1st of the month. Last night I told him if things didn't change, he would have to leave. He said NOTHING.

So......I'm thinking whether or not I'm ready to file....it's time, isn't it? Things are bad here and I don't want them to get worse. I don't expect them to get easier but I don't want any of this nonsense going on.....yelling, pushing etc.

[RecordProducer]

Honey, the decision has to be yours whether to divorce. I believe it happened the way you described it, but your daughter yelled at him because she hates him and not because he hurt her physically.

Your daughter is standing between you and him and he is standing between you and her.

It seems that your daughter is very unhappy with your choice. You know her well...is he really an ass or is it her who always wants everything to be her way? Girls are much more difficult as stepchildren than boys, especially in their teen age. Your husband seems frustrated taht you clearly took your daughter's side. In case you want to stay married to him, you're making a HUUUUUUUGE mistake by rejecting him and acting protective to her. In such way, you create a big wall between the two of them. If you tok his side, she would have forgiven you, but he won't. You made him feel like an outsider.

Although I don't know him or her, I can tell you that he is hurt to the bone.

Refering to the specific situation, your daughter acts like a spoiled child. She couldn't sleep in her room, she minded the TV, she minded the light. She minded him. It's not like she was sick like hell, it was just a headache. If his child acted like that you would be really mad. It's his home too and she should have asked him nicely to understand her pain. But obviously the hostility between the two of them has developed too much and you're warming it up by taking her side. It makes him hate her even more and gives your daughter the alibi to do whatever she can to kick him out of your life. She might as well do that with any man you meet or marry. Your daughter is selfish, because she should also be concerned about her mother and want you to be happy. Unless your husband is a really bad person who treats you bad, she doesn't have any reason to act the way she does.

After all, sometimes we are inconsiderate (suppose he was by turning on the light and TV). Yet it doesn't give her the right to be rude to adults. When you married him, you were supposed to set certain rules for her too!! Basically the rules you set were "my daughter can do whatever she wants, you have no right to yell or touch her!"

The connection between the two of them is not established and if you've been married for longer than a year it will probably not get any better soon, but you never know. She is 16 and in a couple of years will go to college.

I've been both step-child and step-mother. I had real bad luck with both. My step-father abused me sexually since age 12-14 and acted like a real monster in every aspect to me and my mom. I told my mom when it was too late, I was 23, and she got divorced right away.

I married my ex when his daughter was only 18 months old. Her mom died in a car accident. He expected me to replace her mother but I couldn't. I am not the type who can take care of other people's kids and she has been a very difficult child. My ex hated me for not being her mother and being in love with her constant yelling and seeking attention 24/7. He finally left me because of her. She is 8 years old now, we split when she was 4 and I am so very happy to not live with her. She was my nightmare, I was very unhappy because my ex would spend all his time with her.

Anyway, I could tell you until tomorrow about my life...

There are a few facts:

1. He is very unhappy and if things don't change on your (and your child's side), HE will be the one to leave you;

2. Your daughter's goal is to kick him out of her life;

3. You shouldn't take your gun out of your pocket unless you intend to use it - talking about your divorce threat.

4. If the house is yours then no wonder he feels like an alien in it.

[whichwayisup]

How long have you guys been together? Some sort of family therapy could help...If you love him and still want him in your life then your daughter HAS to accept that he is there and no matter what she does isn't going to change that.

 

On the other hand, he is being an inconsiderate JERK OFF to her - With the TV and lights when she is sick. He is the adult and therefore HE has to make the BIG EFFORT to win her trust. He seems not to be doing that at all so no wonder she is pissed off at him. No teenager wants a replacement father who is like that.

 

I don't know enough about your family dynamtic to help alot - But from what you said so far it seems that he is not the nicest person. How long has this been going on? Him being a real jerk I mean. If this has been going on for a long time then I guess separating and getting him out of the house is the right thing to do. As long as YOU don't love him anymore and feel it really is over.

 

Anyway, keep posting. Hope it gets better and he realizes what he's about to lose...

[memomma]

No, no, no.

I realize it's pretty hard to make sense out of a situation by just reading one person's account of what happened but this is not an islolated incidence of him acting childish towards my children.

My daughter is not perfect by any stretch of the imagination. What 16 year old is?

But she is not just a spoiled brat intent on ruining her mother's marraige and/or happiness.

She just happenned to be really sick with a migraine.......have you ever had one? Lights and noise are triggers to intense pain and nausea. She did ask him to turn down.....not off but down... the volume of the TV prior to all this pushing that occurred. He ignored her request and then went ahead to turn on the light.

I failed to mention in my earlier post that he has a study of his own with a TV in it. I haven't figured out why when she told him she was sick, he didn't just watch TV in his study.

Things are BAD between us. They have been for years now. An attorney has been contacted and is just waiting for me to say start the process. These are not idle threats but the only solution I know to end a relationship that doesn't work. I have repeatedly asked for family/marraige couseling in an effort to possibly save the relationship.

He has refused so I really feel I have no choice.

By the way, this morning while I was gone.....he did apoligize to my daughter for the way he acted.

Will wonders never cease?

Thanks for listening.

[onlyhuman]

I don't have children but here's my feelings.

Your husband did just about everything possible to irritate your daughter.Considering this is the path he took it would seem he was hell bent on annoying her.If he had a problem he should have went upstairs and got you.Putting his hands on your daughter is unacceptable, what's next a slap in the face?

There's a obviously a lot more going on here than a fight over a loud TV.

Have you ever seen your husband act aggressively to your daughter in front of you?

[MWC_LifeBeginsAt40]

If he is acting out his moods in a physically violent manner towards your children, or anyone for that matter, but ESPECIALLY yoru children, you need to get him out of the house and get the authorities involved.

 

You said the relationship has been over for a year already, so what are you waiting for? Don't wait for money - that's and excuse. You and your daughter's safety is at risk.

 

Get out now or get him out!