Have My Ideals Lost Me Romances

[nofeelings22]

What's wrong with wanting to find a guy who I have instant Chemistry with ?

 

Why should I go for the guys who are meh about me and have to grow to find me attractive ?

 

Why should I skip the butterflies and excitementand go for people who I am nnot excited to date ?

 

1) Go ahead and find guys you have instant chemistry with. No problem. Your posts, however aren't talking about that. They are talking about you deciding if you think THE GUY has instant chemistry with you, then ruling him out if you don't think he has instant chemistry.

 

2) They may not be meh. You can't know that. They may be trying to be careful after making so many mistakes with instant chemistry flings.

 

3) You should always be excited to date. Butterflies too, but you were talking about ruling out possibly good guy because you are essentially GUESSING that they don't have the butterflies. Maybe they do.

 

Example. There is a girl in Miami I've been on and off with forever. God, this had to be the hottest, most beautiful physical specimen in the world. She flips my mind out when we're hanging out. We share tons of stuff in common and even grew up in the same area. She makes my heart skip a beat, then feel like passing out. Not instant chemistry, instant atomic bomb. Cute and tiny also. To die for.

 

But... she has a few obviously incompatibilities with what I'm looking for. We hold on to each other though. I think because we both know we are so right, but not quite right. But those few incompatibilities are enough to keep me from dropping everything to pursue her 100%. Instant chemistry to the point of ridiculousness, but holding back because of the side of me that knows what i need in a partner. She gets closer every day, but isn't there yet...

 

But this is an example of amazing chemistry, but a dragging of myfeet.

 

Instant chemistry is simply infatuation. It will fade in a ltr. It also has nothing to do with what holds you in a ltr. Compatibility keeps you together, not infatuation.

[elaine567]

1) Compatibility keeps you together, not infatuation.

 

This ^^^^

[hotpotato]

yes I want to go slow, but with a guy where there is still instant fire works.

 

You may have to give up the idea of having instant sparks.

 

Those initial sparks probably wont carry a relationship long term. Relying on instant chemistry can lead you to the wrong person.

 

Imo it can take weeks or months to get to know someone and developing feelings beyond infatuation.

 

Also, people dont accurately remember when they get sparks. For example, take a married couple. They may tell you they felt instant sparks, but in reality it may have taken months to get those feelings. Over time couples romanticize those first encounters oftentimes to the point of inaccuracy. So, if a couple tells you how they fell in love at first sight, just knew, or felt instant chemistry it could be a misrepresentation.

 

I can get why you want a man to be head over heels for you asap. Its a lot easier!

[Rejected Rosebud]

yes I want to go slow, but with a guy where there is still instant fire works.

You need to go slow IN YOUR OWN HEAD. I think you are talking about the berlin guy right? What happened there wasn't what you think it was I am almost positive, what did happen: you met a guy once, you both were attracted, and then you went bonkers right? What should have happened is you looked forward to meeting him again but didn't put the gigantic pile of whacky crap on top of it. You met a guy, you felt mutual chemistry, you looked forward to seeing him again, you got a chance to, YAY! And then take it day by day, that is what SHOULD have happened. But that is not what happened is it, you took a big convoluted trip into your own head and fantasies and that is NEVER NEVER NEVER going to lead you into romance or any kind of a solid relationship. Do you understand what I'm saying here?

All this thinking and analyzing you do on here is not going to help you in ANY way to get into a relationship, it is making it impossible for you.

[Rejected Rosebud]

Well I am after those rare instances where a guy meets me and knows that want me right away.

 

.

He wants to have sex with you right away, because of your "banging body," and that usually satisfies that big attraction just fine, and for good! Physical attraction is awesome but don't you understand that it can disappear really quickly if the guy realizes he doesn't want to spend time with you? Or vice versa? If that scenario is not ok with you you will have to join the rest of the world and accept that people really do have to get to know each other in order to have a good relationship.

You keep talking about your friend and her fiance - yes they had fireworks but then they found out that they ALSO wanted to be together and they liked each other, and they could trust each other and neither one of them was a crazy person, etc. If that part 2 hadn't happened I doubt they'd be planning their marriage.

[hotpotato]

Some people do go nuts for one another and have passion and also end up lasting.

 

Like I said before, as time goes on people tend to overestimate how much passion they had for their partner in the beginning. Everybodys gonna say they fell madly in love on the first date. Most of the time thats not true.

[the tank]

Instant spark is overrated. I just think the "spark" comes in time.... It shouldn't be rushed.

[Diezel]

I just realized this thread isn't actually asking a question, it's really just a soundboard to echo the same idea over and over. My bad for taking my time this morning to try to answer the question.

[Leigh 87]

I don't know why it's so rare or such a bad idea to only date men that I have good instant Chemistry with .

 

What is wrong with wanting to be excited about one another from the get go?

 

Why are you advocating that I go in dates with men that I don't feel any excitement for?

 

My way is working for me just fine , I am really enjoying meeting men and going on dates...

 

I don't want to find a long term partner anytime soon necessarily so I don't see why I should date men that don't make my heart skip a beat or give me butterflies from day one.

 

It I want true compatability AND I want the relationship to start off with instant Chemistry and attraction. It will take a little longer than if I got to know a guy that I didn't initially have a burning desire for.

 

But it isn't all that rare to end up with a partner who you actually had instant fire works with opposed to being meh and neutral about them to begin with.

[Leigh 87]

And my thread was about the pace in which a man shows that he is into me.

 

i an free to pursue men in the manner in which i see fit.

 

I believe Iill find a man who i am actually excited about at the start with l

immediate chemistry and whom also turns out over time to be a compatible mate.

 

Please stop lamenting that I sshould do things your way and date men who I feel no Chemistry or excitement for simply because they are nice.

 

I am very sure that I can manage to seek out a partner who I am actually excited about and who gives me butterflies from day one.

 

I am asking how i should go about measuring their interest level.

 

I didn't ask people to warn me against the hazards of instant Chemistry.

 

I happen to think lovers and romantic partners need natural and Iinstant Chemistry or else itIis like you're dating a friend.... who you learn to crave sex from based on ttheir wonderful personality. .With no true Chemistry there. These relationships lack sexual passion and are all feelings based...you don't want to rip their clothes off in a raw and passionate sense...yiu just think wow they are such an amazing person I will get close to them.

 

I want both. ..i want chemistry that is instant and natural AND with a partner thatIis a nice person and who's personality also inspires me to want to be intimate.

 

So yeah I am not asking you all to tell me that your style is better than mine as i am sure I will go on to find askingrrelationship with a man who actually lights my fire thanks.

 

 

 

Typing on a very old smart phone it doesn't work properly so i cannot type properly apologies.

[Leigh 87]

Instant spark is overrated. I just think the "spark" comes in time.... It shouldn't be rushed.

 

To you it is over rated.

 

To me i love instantly feeling attracted and i love feeling excited when they text me.

 

Plenty of people don't find instant sparks to be over rated.

 

Just because you prefer to date people that don't initially excite you, that doesn't mean others will be begtwr off in going without the spark.

[Leigh 87]

And I have plenty of men in my life who adore me and who are really nice guys.

 

I could have easily had a relationship by now.

 

The thing is, I don't want kids and I don't feel any rush to have a relationship.

 

Therefore I find it bizarre that people are so averse to me wanting to wait until I find a man that I am excited about.

 

Doing as you do won't necessarily make ME happier. I am self aware and I know the things that add to my life. .. dating men like those male friends who are wonderfully people yet who I feel zero chemistry with definitely won't make me happy.

 

I am far happier remaining single than dating men I have no instant excitement for.

 

That is who I am. There is nothing wrong with who I am or how I select men.

 

What is wrong with my method is that I discount men who aren't acting super into me.

 

Berlin guy messaged me most days when he was travelling telling me that he was excited to spend ttime with me as more than just friends. I wanted him to show more interest so i ruined things.

 

I dont want to make that mistake again.

[Rejected Rosebud]

Why did you ask a question? You said:"I want to know if I have realistic expectations," nobody thinks you do, and now you are yelling and carrying on, sheesh! Of course, keep doing exactly what you're doing!!!

Edited December 4, 2014 by Rejected Rosebud

[Leigh 87]

Why did you ask a question? You said:"I want to know if I have realistic expectations," nobody thinks you do, and now you are yelling and carrying on, sheesh! Of course, keep doing exactly what you're doing!!!

 

Right.

 

So meeting a man who I actually have chemistry with and who excites me from day one is not realistic?

[CarrieT]

Over the past several years, Leigh, I have seen you post similar queries and I still believe it all goes back to some core logic that you seem to be missing:

 

You want this overwhelming, Disney-esque "magic" in a relationship with "intense sexual chemistry."

 

And while that can occasionally happen, that floating-on-air-feeling never EVER lasts!

 

You can have that sexual chemistry from day-one, but it is NOT SUSTAINABLE! And it is this very thing that you don't seem to want to believe. You want it and you want it to last, but it is an endorphin rush that gives you those feelings and, at most, they those feelings can only last 12 to 14 months.

 

What you have been unable to do is see the long road and big picture of a truly loving and stable relationship and that those are not built on "intense sexual chemistry."

[Rejected Rosebud]

Right.

 

So meeting a man who I actually have chemistry with and who excites me from day one is not realistic?

That's fine, this kind of stuff is not realistic:

 

I have ALWAYS believed that there will ALWAYS be those girls a man will meet, and even after the first or second meeting, the guy will be smitten; into the girl enough to want to date her and only her, and to claim her all to himself albeit not in a serious capacity (no healthy guy would go serious that early on)

 

No that is not realistic. There are not always girls like that. What you are talking about is lust and what happens or doesn't after that first roll in the hay is a COMPLETELY DIFFERENT THING, he might be momentarily enchanted by your banging body but once he's got his hands on it there has to be a LOT more to keep him around!

What the DIFFERENT THING is, is LOVE, and that is SERIOUS. No guy is going to be gaga over you , claim you all to himself, unless he wants a serious relationship!!

You have a FWB, right? Isn't this just what you are looking for, evidently you had physical attraction and chemistry, you're having sex, and it's not serious?

[Leigh 87]

Over the past several years, Leigh, I have seen you post similar queries and I still believe it all goes back to some core logic that you seem to be missing:

 

You want this overwhelming, Disney-esque "magic" in a relationship with "intense sexual chemistry."

 

And while that can occasionally happen, that floating-on-air-feeling never EVER lasts!

 

You can have that sexual chemistry from day-one, but it is NOT SUSTAINABLE! And it is this very thing that you don't seem to want to believe. You want it and you want it to last, but it is an endorphin rush that gives you those feelings and, at most, they those feelings can only last 12 to 14 months.

 

What you have been unable to do is see the long road and big picture of a truly loving and stable relationship and that those are not built on "intense sexual chemistry."

 

 

I know it doesn't last and it needs to be worked on.

 

But what is so wrong with wanting it to be there to begin with?

 

I am relatively attractive and affable upon first meeting - so why is it so hard to believe I could actually have that natural and instant passion, with a person and have a long lasting relationship from this type of beginning?

[Leigh 87]

You have all misunderstood me.

 

I don't expect the instant chemistry to last without putting effort into the relationship as a whole.

 

But I WANT it to be there to begin with...

 

I know the initial high doesn't last - although it has to be there to begin with for me. Then the passion can be re ignited though hard work and working on the relationship at hand.

 

I prefer to meet men who make me grin like an idiot from day one, I do realise that relationships take work and it wont all be passionate sex and harmony filled.

 

I HAVE been in long term relationships so I do know it takes work.

[Leigh 87]

By problem is: since I go for men who share mutual chemistry and INITIAL excitement with me,

 

HOW do I move slowly and determine whether or not they are into me and interested in taking things further?

 

I am GOING to find a partner who excites me from day one, and who has mutual fire works with me in terms of natural chemistry.

 

I know it does not last, my question is about determining their interest BEYOND the initial high of meeting.

 

I WILL get he initial high - I don't date men who I don't get excited about - they are FRIENDS.

[Leigh 87]

I had instant chemistry with a guy when I was 18. We ended up together for over two years. Sex was always good.

 

And I have to say, it was great for the natural chemistry to be there, as opposed to having little to no instant fire works and having to wait purely for an emotional connection before you "want them" badly. When there is no natural chemistry and passion, you will never have a sex life that is as passionate and pleasing.

 

I don't happen to need to be in a relationship anytime soon and so I don't see why I also have to date men I feel no sexual attraction for?

 

We had it naturally in that first instance - and then it became more intense once we got to know and like one another.

 

MY EX EX who I was with for over two years - we didn't have natural sexual chemistry, I GREW to enjoy sex stuff with him.

And guess what? Because he was never naturally attracted to me on a sexual level, do you know what happened?

 

We ended up being two good friends who happened to f*c*, which was ultimately not satisfying.

 

And my friend and her fiancé had instant fire works and they ended up becoming best friends on top of it - it is not that rare - Most people just don't hold out for a person who actually piques their interest instantly - and they prefer to date partners who they weren't actually all that attracted to or excited about initially.

 

I am not sure why others think that I have to go about it that way ^^^^^

 

 

 

 

 

I don't mind waiting a few more years until I meet a guy who I have natural and instant chemistry and fire works with - who also ends up being a great long term prospect.

 

My question was about gauging a guys interest.

[Leigh 87]

Almost every perpetually single girl I know of talks the same way. They absolutely must have that instant chemistry or fireworks. When those fireworks die down, as they always do, that girl will find a reason to leave her man for another man that gives her those fireworks. The cycle never ends.

 

 

I am not the type to leave a man because fire works fades.

 

I have already stated that I have had two long term relationships, the first I left because he was a drop kick, the second I was dumped.

 

I don't get sick of people because the initial butterflies wear off.

 

I simply need them to be there to begin with.

 

I have met plenty of men whom I feel chemistry with from day one, why is that a bad thing that I therefore only date men that actually excite me?

 

I prefer to date men who, when they text me, I light up and feel excited.

 

My male FRIENDS - when they text me, I feel nothing. Because they are friends and I have feel no excitement towards them on any level.

 

 

 

 

What I am asking for is not that rare - simply having chemistry with a person is really not that baffling of a concept lol.

[CrystalCastles]

My friend met her partner and they instantly felt passion and fire works.

 

They are still together and they are best friends as well as very passionate lovers.

 

Yes she is beautiful but surely cute girls like me can get that same instant chemistry and fire works, and with a guy who will also adore us?

 

Leigh, are you jealous of your friend?

 

You sound like you're living in a Disney movie. This "excited when he texts me" thing, disappears real fast.

[Leigh 87]

Leigh, are you jealous of your friend?

 

You sound like you're living in a Disney movie. This "excited when he texts me" thing, disappears real fast.

 

 

 

Yes I know things can dissipate.

 

I am not jealous of my friend but I am not settling for less than what she has found - her and her partner felt big fire works from day one and they have also ended up together, as best friends.

 

That is what will make me the most fulfilled - a relationship that starts out that way with plenty of NATURAL passion.

 

As opposed to passion that has to be manufactured over time.

 

It isn't hard to ask for - I am not asking for a hot guy with a high salary! I simply want a partner who I can build a relationship with, who also happens to have fire works with me upon first meeting.

 

It just so happens to be important to me as a person, to have that initial beginning - a fairy tale beginning - that yes, I realise it doesn't remain that way, I DO realise relationships take work, I HAVE been in 5 years worth of relationships!

[CrystalCastles]

Yes I know things can dissipate.

 

I am not jealous of my friend but I am not settling for less than what she has found - her and her partner felt big fire works from day one and they have also ended up together, as best friends.

 

That is what will make me the most fulfilled - a relationship that starts out that way with plenty of NATURAL passion.

 

As opposed to passion that has to be manufactured over time.

 

It isn't hard to ask for - I am not asking for a hot guy with a high salary! I simply want a partner who I can build a relationship with, who also happens to have fire works with me upon first meeting.

 

It just so happens to be important to me as a person, to have that initial beginning - a fairy tale beginning - that yes, I realise it doesn't remain that way, I DO realise relationships take work, I HAVE been in 5 years worth of relationships!

 

Why? Why does it matter what happens in the beginning? When you're together for many years, the few months at the beginning won't seem all that important compared to all the memories you make over the time you're together. Memories better and more valuable than some fairy tale beginning.

 

And sorry, but you do sound jealous. You're "not settling for less than she found"? You do realize that you might just end up alone if you keep thinking that.

[Leigh 87]

Again, I am asking how I determine a guys interest level.

 

Yes, the guys I date I will have instant fire works with - yes I realise it doesn't last forever.

 

So, how do men make their interest known?

 

In my friends case, they had instant fire works and he made it very apparent from the start that he was into her.

 

In other cases in my own experience, two guys I have felt instant chemistry for did both state their excitement, but they were not as keen as my friends fiancé!

 

My friends fiancé was telling her how into her he was from day one! HE told her how he liked her " immensely" and " couldn't wait to see her" constantly.

 

Where as in my case, the guys were more... " yes I am so excited to see you" and then that was it, their messages were conversation based and never about me or us or how excited they were about me.

 

My guys made it known to begin with that they were very interested in seeing where things went.

 

Her fiancé made it more blatant.

 

So of course I have to ask the question: I want a guy who is really into me from the start and who doesn't need to grow to be "into me".

 

^^^^^^ if a guy is into me from the start, what is a normal and healthy way for the guy to express it?

 

 

 

 

 

 

I don't believe going all in is healthy for the majority irrespective of HOW Into a person they are!

 

I don't actually think it is ideal to go all in -

 

Yet I do want a relationship where we are into each other from day one.

 

I do need to know how a normal and healthy male who is into me from day one, would make his interest known.