Have My Ideals Lost Me Romances

[Leigh 87]

"Most men" get "smitten"? Has even one person, guy or girl gone along with your ideas about this here?

 

Report back in 25 years and let us know how your requirement for men being smitten with you worked out!

 

So you don't believe that men meet women that they get smitten with?

[Weezy1973]

So you don't believe that men meet women that they get smitten with?

 

Not in the "instant chemistry" way that you insist upon. Instant chemistry is nothing more than lust. Sexual attraction. That's it.

 

Falling in love (or being smitten) does happen for men after getting to know a woman for a considerable amount of time on a deeper level. Most people are not compatible so, regardless of the amount of initial lust, will not work out.

 

That's why for people like you, where sexual attraction is independent of those deeper qualities (hence the 'instant' aspect of it), getting into meaningful relationships will be a lot harder.

 

And, to be clear, I'm not saying there's anything inherently wrong with your views on romance, just that it will be a lot harder for you to find something meaningful.

[Leigh 87]

Not in the "instant chemistry" way that you insist upon. Instant chemistry is nothing more than lust. Sexual attraction. That's it.

 

Falling in love (or being smitten) does happen for men after getting to know a woman for a considerable amount of time on a deeper level. Most people are not compatible so, regardless of the amount of initial lust, will not work out.

 

That's why for people like you, where sexual attraction is independent of those deeper qualities (hence the 'instant' aspect of it), getting into meaningful relationships will be a lot harder.

 

And, to be clear, I'm not saying there's anything inherently wrong with your views on romance, just that it will be a lot harder for you to find something meaningful.

 

I'm an attractive woman to enough men I feel to quiet easily find men who are attracted to me from the get go and who I feel the same way about.

 

Why do you feel it will be that much harder for mme to find partner who i sexually aattracted to me from date one?

 

Why do you feel it will be hard to find men whom I have chemistry with from day one ?

[Haydn]

Not in the "instant chemistry" way that you insist upon. Instant chemistry is nothing more than lust. Sexual attraction. That's it.

 

Falling in love (or being smitten) does happen for men after getting to know a woman for a considerable amount of time on a deeper level. Most people are not compatible so, regardless of the amount of initial lust, will not work out.

 

That's why for people like you, where sexual attraction is independent of those deeper qualities (hence the 'instant' aspect of it), getting into meaningful relationships will be a lot harder.

 

And, to be clear, I'm not saying there's anything inherently wrong with your views on romance, just that it will be a lot harder for you to find something meaningful.

 

Well that`s not true. (My humble experiences) No i can`t explain it.

[Weezy1973]

I'm an attractive woman to enough men I feel to quiet easily find men who are attracted to me from the get go and who I feel the same way about.

 

Why do you feel it will be that much harder for mme to find partner who i sexually aattracted to me from date one?

 

Why do you feel it will be hard to find men whom I have chemistry with from day one ?

 

Ohh - no you misunderstand me.

 

I don't think finding a man that will be sexually attracted to you from day one will be hard at all. I actually imagine a lot of men would be attracted to you. The "instant" stuff isn't hard at all. You've said many times that you feel sexually attracted to a lot of men. And a lot of men are just interested in sex, so they also feel sexually attracted to a lot of women. No problem there.

 

What I'm saying will be harder for you is finding a deeper, long term, meaningful relationship. Take your most recent ex for example. You described many times how you two had that initial spark / sexual attraction. But then you realized after a considerable amount of time that personality-wise, you two weren't compatible. But you had already developed feelings for him regardless of the personality differences and the relationship lasted a relatively long time even though you weren't right for each other.

 

When sexual attraction is superficial (i.e. immediate) it will increase the chances of something like your previous relationship happening. You fall in love with the superficial things, and then waste that time on someone that isn't compatible.

 

If, on the other hand, your sexual attraction was based on deeper qualities, your feelings wouldn't really start developing until after you get to know the person for a longer period of time. And they wouldn't start developing really at all unless that person exhibited the characteristics over time that you found attractive. So - if those characteristics don't get shown - no attraction - stop dating. Much less time wasted.

[Leigh 87]

Ohh - no you misunderstand me.

 

I don't think finding a man that will be sexually attracted to you from day one will be hard at all. I actually imagine a lot of men would be attracted to you. The "instant" stuff isn't hard at all. You've said many times that you feel sexually attracted to a lot of men. And a lot of men are just interested in sex, so they also feel sexually attracted to a lot of women. No problem there.

 

What I'm saying will be harder for you is finding a deeper, long term, meaningful relationship. Take your most recent ex for example. You described many times how you two had that initial spark / sexual attraction. But then you realized after a considerable amount of time that personality-wise, you two weren't compatible. But you had already developed feelings for him regardless of the personality differences and the relationship lasted a relatively long time even though you weren't right for each other.

 

When sexual attraction is superficial (i.e. immediate) it will increase the chances of something like your previous relationship happening. You fall in love with the superficial things, and then waste that time on someone that isn't compatible.

 

If, on the other hand, your sexual attraction was based on deeper qualities, your feelings wouldn't really start developing until after you get to know the person for a longer period of time. And they wouldn't start developing really at all unless that person exhibited the characteristics over time that you found attractive. So - if those characteristics don't get shown - no attraction - stop dating. Much less time wasted.

 

 

I want the instant attraction. A natural chemistry.

 

I have learnt that chemistry that is instant is NOT to do with feelings.

 

I mistakenly thought that chemistry was also a sign of feelings to come.

 

I never really felt for my ex. I had chemistry but I never admired his personality or fell for him beyond the natural chemistry.

 

So I've learnt my lesson.

 

I have learnt that true feelings don't develop for a considerable amount of time.

 

The latest guy I felt chemistry with I don't have actual feelings for because we don't know one another well.

 

I have clearly differentiated between our intense Chemistry and actual romantic feelings.

 

We talk every other night via phone and text a few times.

 

This is the first time I have ever felt chemistry for a guy and the been forced, due to the nature of our long distance, to actually get to know him in a level beyond sex.

[Leigh 87]

Ohh - no you misunderstand me.

 

I don't think finding a man that will be sexually attracted to you from day one will be hard at all. I actually imagine a lot of men would be attracted to you. The "instant" stuff isn't hard at all. You've said many times that you feel sexually attracted to a lot of men. And a lot of men are just interested in sex, so they also feel sexually attracted to a lot of women. No problem there.

 

What I'm saying will be harder for you is finding a deeper, long term, meaningful relationship. Take your most recent ex for example. You described many times how you two had that initial spark / sexual attraction. But then you realized after a considerable amount of time that personality-wise, you two weren't compatible. But you had already developed feelings for him regardless of the personality differences and the relationship lasted a relatively long time even though you weren't right for each other.

 

When sexual attraction is superficial (i.e. immediate) it will increase the chances of something like your previous relationship happening. You fall in love with the superficial things, and then waste that time on someone that isn't compatible.

 

If, on the other hand, your sexual attraction was based on deeper qualities, your feelings wouldn't really start developing until after you get to know the person for a longer period of time. And they wouldn't start developing really at all unless that person exhibited the characteristics over time that you found attractive. So - if those characteristics don't get shown - no attraction - stop dating. Much less time wasted.

 

But those feelings weren't the feelings. The instant sexual attraction lead me to believe that i had true feelings. I didn't.

 

It's a matter of not confusing sexual desire with romantic inclinations.

[anne1707]

But those feelings weren't the feelings. The instant sexual attraction lead me to believe that i had true feelings. I didn't.

 

It's a matter of not confusing sexual desire with romantic inclinations.

 

So there you are saying

 

1. That you have found instant sexual attraction clouds the fact that there is may be no true feelings

2. That you want a relationship with true feelings

3. That you will only consider relationships with instant sexual attraction

 

Do you not see how you are contradicting yourself here Leigh?

[Leigh 87]

So there you are saying

 

1. That you have found instant sexual attraction clouds the fact that there is may be no true feelings

2. That you want a relationship with true feelings

3. That you will only consider relationships with instant sexual attraction

 

Do you not see how you are contradicting yourself here Leigh?

 

 

 

I can tell now when it is simply chemistry or if there is anything more to it.

 

I couldn't previously but I can well distinguish the difference now.

 

Case in point - the recent guy. I had fireworks instantly with him and yet I still have no clue as to whether I will develop true feelings.

 

See - I am actually getting to know him through talking SANS sex since, well, we cannot even see each other. But we plan to and will regularly if our initial sparks amount to something of substance.

 

I want instant attraction and chemistry - and I want it to result in a lasting relationship.

 

I need a guy instantly attracted to me. I just don't happen to ever want a relationship where the guy was meh about my looks and ME, and had to grow to find me attractive.

 

I don't think what I am asking for is so wrong - and it should be easy enough to find.

 

So long as I can get to know a guy and meet him in public and avoid getting intimate despite the hot sexual tension, I believe you can get to know a man beyond the sexual sparks.

[Danda]

OP,

 

Do you genuinely believe, very deep down in your heart of hearts, that a guy can love you for who you are?

 

DON'T get intellectual on me. Just feel for it. What do you feel?

 

 

 

If you "knock the socks off" off a guy before he even gets to know you, then wouldn't that theoretically mean that you don't have to worry about whether or not he winds up genuinely loving you? Since his feelings were so intense before he really got to know you, anyway?

 

And if he is less attractive than you are, then you can furthermore ensure his infatuation with you using sex appeal and sex itself, since he will just be grateful that you gave him access to boobs, period.

 

Also,

 

What do you think of the possibility, that being in the same position, as the less attractive men that you grace with your superior sex appeal, outright terrifies you?

 

 

I have no idea how you really feel about anything. Only you do.

 

 

But you seem to be very, very close to having an extremely significant revelation about yourself.

[Leigh 87]

I want a guy to fall in love with ME, the person. Of course!

 

But I also want them to be attracted to be upon first meeting me!

 

How hard of a concept is this for people to understand?

 

I am also very into men upon first meeting them - the ones who are not CONVENTIONALLY attractive to many others.

 

They don't have to be hot dudes for me to be instantly attracted to them!

 

And sorry but I am never going to have a revelation that I am better off dating men who I don't have an instant attraction to and who don't have an instant attraction towards me.

 

I need to instantly be excited about a guy. End of Story. Just to feel excited about the prospect of them, that is not that outlandish.

[Leigh 87]

OP,

 

Do you genuinely believe, very deep down in your heart of hearts, that a guy can love you for who you are?

 

Of course I do. I just happen to enjoy instant excitement and not merely a " oh that girl sounded really nice, I don't feel excited about the idea of her but she is nice enough to get to know and attraction may come later"

 

I need instant chemistry that is natural, and for it to strengthen over time we fall in love.

 

It is not all that rare to have chemistry with a person you first meet and to be excited about one another AND for it to lead to a relationship.

 

DON'T get intellectual on me. Just feel for it. What do you feel?

 

 

 

If you "knock the socks off" off a guy before he even gets to know you, then wouldn't that theoretically mean that you don't have to worry about whether or not he winds up genuinely loving you? Since his feelings were so intense before he really got to know you, anyway?

 

And if he is less attractive than you are, then you can furthermore ensure his infatuation with you using sex appeal and sex itself, since he will just be grateful that you gave him access to boobs, period.

 

Also,

 

What do you think of the possibility, that being in the same position, as the less attractive men that you grace with your superior sex appeal, outright terrifies you?

 

 

I have no idea how you really feel about anything. Only you do.

 

 

But you seem to be very, very close to having an extremely significant revelation about yourself.

 

I don't think I am superior - I think I am a girl with a great figure that the men I happen to be attracted to a lot of the time - they don't date the girls they are really attracted to from the get go.

 

The men I have been into have confessed that they weren't attracted to their exes initially and grew attracted - where as with me, we obviously had a mutual instant attraction which was very new to the men I have been into.

[Rejected Rosebud]

I'm an attractive woman to enough men I feel to quiet easily find men who are attracted to me from the get go and who I feel the same way about.

Yes! And with your bangin' body, best butt they ever had, nice teeth, etc. they will be happy to have sex with you!!! Why not!!

 

That's all that initial attraction means.

 

Why do you feel it will be that much harder for mme to find partner who i sexually aattracted to me from date one?

 

Why do you feel it will be hard to find men whom I have chemistry with from day one ?

It won't be hard to find chemistry on day one. You can find hundreds of men that will be happy to enjoy sex with you because you are "attractive enough", as you say very often!! That's what your instant fireworks will get you!! You don't ever talk about any other aspect of relationships so you are kind of stuck unless you grow a lot I think.

[Rejected Rosebud]

The men I have been into have confessed that they weren't attracted to their exes initially and grew attracted - where as with me, we obviously had a mutual instant attraction which was very new to the men I have been into.

Leigh, that is utter bs, that is not a normal conversation to be having with guys you are getting to know, their level of attraction to the other women in their lives is none of your business!! No guy on earth would have that kind of conversation unless totally hounded! I hope you figure out how to get to know people in a way that is appropriate.

 

Your obsession with how attractive you are is a big problem!!

[Danda]

I don't think I am superior - I think I am a girl with a great figure that the men I happen to be attracted to a lot of the time - they don't date the girls they are really attracted to from the get go.

 

I do not go for the hot guys and I try to date guys who are less attractive than myself so that way I feel they are more likely to think WOW when they first lay eyes on me.

 

I happen to think lovers and romantic partners need natural and Iinstant Chemistry or else itIis like you're dating a friend.... who you learn to crave sex from based on ttheir wonderful personality. .With no true Chemistry there. These relationships lack sexual passion and are all feelings based...you don't want to rip their clothes off in a raw and passionate sense...yiu just think wow they are such an amazing person I will get close to them.

 

 

I know the initial high doesn't last - although it has to be there to begin with for me. Then the passion can be re ignited though hard work and working on the relationship at hand.

 

 

I have met plenty of men whom I feel chemistry with from day one, why is that a bad thing that I therefore only date men that actually excite me?

 

 

What I am asking for is not that rare - simply having chemistry with a person is really not that baffling of a concept lol.

 

Well I am after those rare instances where a guy meets me and knows that want me right away.

 

Well I want to wait until I find a man and I really knock his socks off.

 

 

At this point you are either trolling or you have no idea what you think/want. Either way you are making no sense.

[Leigh 87]

Leigh, that is utter bs, that is not a normal conversation to be having with guys you are getting to know, their level of attraction to the other women in their lives is none of your business!! No guy on earth would have that kind of conversation unless totally hounded! I hope you figure out how to get to know people in a way that is appropriate.

 

Your obsession with how attractive you are is a big problem!!

 

 

 

?

 

One guy told me on his own accord that " yeah this is a little different to me, as I never had those instant sort of fire works with my exes, I rather got to know them slowly and over time something grew"

 

I didn't ask them this crap?

 

I have been told by men that they were sick of meeting girls they had to grow attracted to over time, and that with me they were relieved that it was instant - they said it felt more passionate - , the sex part, than it did with the women they " had to get to know" before they felt attraction.

 

Plus many men have told me this - they would love to been a woman they thought was gorgeous - and then get to know her and fall in love with her for real.

 

I never said I was THAT attractive - but I am attractive ENOUGH to easily find a man who finds me gorgeous, and who I share instant attraction with.

 

Since those men are not going to be too hard to find, I am sure there is a chance that the man I end up with will happen to have found me attractive naturally, from day one.

 

You can go and date any man you like - including men who are not attracted to you until they get to know you.

 

In the meanwhile, I will do things my own way, which is not at all unreasonable.

[Danda]

Okay that was a bit rude of me, please let me back that train up a bit.

 

What I mean is that

 

 

I think what you really mean by "chemistry" seems to be just basic lust, with the way you keep describing things.

 

So if what you are actually try to say is that you only want to date a guy if the two of you are extremely sexually attracted to each and want to **** each other's brains out over looks alone,

 

That doesn't make sense when you say that you go for guys you yourself define as less attractive.

 

Then you explain how having raw carnal lust from the moment the two of you meet ensures that the sex life will remain great, but then you go onto explain that the lust will go away and you will have to rely more on emotional intimacy to keep the sex good. But you start out explaining that emotional intimacy can't make sex good.

 

You start out the thread like you think what you're after is very rare and wonder if your expectations are too high. Then you get super defensive and say that what you're after is over the place, you've found it already several times before and that it works out great. So why did you need to ask if your expectations were realistic?

 

And again it comes back to this weird loop where you are using the concept of chemistry and raw carnal lust like they are interchangeable. I used to know a guy who was extremely sexy looking to me. I got to know him and his personality was atrocious. He physically looked identical to when I had first met him but I was no longer capable of being attracted to him. He disgusted me. Chemistry is more than an initial reaction to a body, with no consideration at all for the soul inside of it.

 

IF all you want is to date men who find you attractive and whom you find attractive, that is completely normal and okay, but that is not what you have been describing.

 

It's like your idea of a sign of true long term compatibility is if the two you meet and can barely stop yourselves from raping each other right there in the middle of the grocery store.

 

But then you insist that you don't want a serious relationship right now but you really need to know if it means a good relationship will happen if a guy acts like he wants to **** your brains out the moment he meets you.

 

What in the actual ****.

[Leigh 87]

At this point you are either trolling or you have no idea what you think/want. Either way you are making no sense.

 

 

It is rare that the stars align and you have instant chemistry and it lasts long term with more substance to it than sexual attraction! - but not at all THAT rare - I mean - I know it wont take years or even one year for a woman like myself in her late 20's.

 

I know very well what I want - I enjoy instant sparks and sexual attraction.

 

I just happen to want a long term partner out of it.

 

It is not uncommon to want to meet a partner who you are excited about, opposed to meeting a guy whom you simply think is an amazing person yet have NO desire to get to know better.

[Leigh 87]

Okay that was a bit rude of me, please let me back that train up a bit.

 

What I mean is that

 

 

I think what you really mean by "chemistry" seems to be just basic lust, with the way you keep describing things.

 

So if what you are actually try to say is that you only want to date a guy if the two of you are extremely sexually attracted to each and want to **** each other's brains out over looks alone,

 

That doesn't make sense when you say that you go for guys you yourself define as less attractive.

 

Then you explain how having raw carnal lust from the moment the two of you meet ensures that the sex life will remain great, but then you go onto explain that the lust will go away and you will have to rely more on emotional intimacy to keep the sex good. But you start out explaining that emotional intimacy can't make sex good.

 

You start out the thread like you think what you're after is very rare and wonder if your expectations are too high. Then you get super defensive and say that what you're after is over the place, you've found it already several times before and that it works out great. So why did you need to ask if your expectations were realistic?

 

And again it comes back to this weird loop where you are using the concept of chemistry and raw carnal lust like they are interchangeable. I used to know a guy who was extremely sexy looking to me. I got to know him and his personality was atrocious. He physically looked identical to when I had first met him but I was no longer capable of being attracted to him. He disgusted me. Chemistry is more than an initial reaction to a body, with no consideration at all for the soul inside of it.

 

IF all you want is to date men who find you attractive and whom you find attractive, that is completely normal and okay, but that is not what you have been describing.

 

It's like your idea of a sign of true long term compatibility is if the two you meet and can barely stop yourselves from raping each other right there in the middle of the grocery store.

 

But then you insist that you don't want a serious relationship right now but you really need to know if it means a good relationship will happen if a guy acts like he wants to **** your brains out the moment he meets you.

 

What in the actual ****.

 

 

 

It is really simple actually.

 

When I meet a long term mate - yes I want them to have intelligence, to intellectually stimulate me and for him to have a kind soul and for us to be soul mates or whatever it is it is....

 

BUT.

 

I also want it to start out with NATURAL attraction.

 

I DO NOT and I AM NOT open to meeting a guy, having no chemistry or fireworks with him, NOT being excited about meeting him, and then to get to know one another and get together.

[Leigh 87]

Why is it so hard for people to understand that I simply want to meet a guy, for us to both be attracted and excited about the idea of each other, and THEN.. only THEN to get to know one another and genuinely fall in love with each other beyond the superficial?

 

Why is it hard to understand that some people like myself prefer instant attraction, because frankly, we don't have to resort to dating people we don't feel sparks with?

 

When I am older and lose my looks then yes, I will select a mate based on their personality alone and I will hope that passion can be "manufactured"

 

For the time being, I really see no issue with the fact that I was to be viewed as desirable by the man I date from day one, rather than him being " meh whatever": about my looks?

[Leigh 87]

Leigh's equation: sexual instant chemistry +with a person I respect and admire + both people excited about seeing each other + long term potential based on more than the superficial

 

Other peoples formulae: meet a person they respect and admire enough to want to get to know WITHOUT any physical desire + physical desire comes later but is not instant

 

When I meet a man, I need to be EXCITED about him in order to date him! If I meet a really amazing guy, and the chemistry isn't there then I will NOT want to date a man I feel no sparks with!

 

Then occasionally I meet men who I have some chemistry with and whom I feel excited about getting to know?

 

THOSE ^^ are the men I want to pursue. NOT the men I don't feel any desire to date

[Leigh 87]

I have a friend coming over tomorrow.

 

A new guy friend who is just a friend.

 

Do you know WHY he is just a friend?

 

Well. He has two degrees, one in ancient history - I absolutely love talking to him for hours. Fantastic quality guy so it seems -a fantastic person I would feel grateful to have as a friend.

 

A FRIEND. DO you know why he is just a "friend"?

 

Because I AM NOT EXCITED ABOUT HIM and I have NO DESIRE to be intimate with him!

 

 

 

 

...My style is to meet a guy who is just as amazing, yet who I happen to actually feel excited about wanting to date?

[Conners]

Leigh, chill out a bit! There's a reason your threads have a constant pattern of derailing. You ask for advice and then refuse to listen to different opinions and chop and change your story.

No one said you had to date someone that you wernt physically attracted to, they are saying you contradict yourself left right and centre.

Have you ever considered starting a blog? I feel that it may be a more appropriate way to voice your opinion.

Edited December 8, 2014 by Conners

[Leigh 87]

I just know that I'd be happier in dating men that excite me opposed to dating the men I have no chemistry with in the hope that it will " grow"

 

I hate when people try to tell me that they know ways that I'd be happier and it especially irks me when they say what I've been doing hasn't been working ( when I'm only 28 and have enjoyed my relationships and dating life immensely and I am not exactly over the hill yet )

 

I'm sure it will take a little longer to find that guy who I have instant sparks with and whom also thinks I'm gorgeous from day one. . And who also turns out to be an ideal life partner. ..

 

I'm sure it'll happen in time and I won't be too far into my 30s when it does.

 

I don't think it will even take me more than a year or two... to find a man I have instant fireworks with and who is a great guy who grows to love and adore me.

[anne1707]

Nobody is saying that you should date someone you don't find attractive. That would be completely wrong. All that has been said is that sometimes things can be a slow burn to get started but once they do, wow it can be white hot.

 

The issue here is that you are limiting your options, being very extreme in what you need in a relationship and saying that you know how to have the relationship you want (yet have never managed to do so to date).

 

If anything, you are being rather judgemental of relationships which do not fit into your perceived ideal.