Very independent 17 y.o. son getting a little *too* independent

[greyroots]

My son recently turned 17. Ever since he learned to walk, and especially since his father died five years ago, I've stressed that independence and responsibility go hand-in-hand. So today with him getting excellent grades, contributing a good deal around the house, and diligently saving the money he makes at his part-time job, I feel that he's functioning as an adult and has earned the right to make almost all of his own decisions. For example: he's not required to tell me where he's going on the weekend or to be back at a specific time. But that's only because he's proven that he's mature enough to understand that it's courteous to provide me with enough information not to be worried and that if he stays out too late he'll be wiped out when doing his chores the next day.

 

On the whole, this style of child-rearing has worked very well with him. A number of his friends' parents have told me how proud I should be of him and how they wish their kids were more like mine. However, it has now led to a difficult situation. In the course of politely keeping me informed of his general whereabouts, I've learned that he's been spending time with a 40-ish woman from his workplace. When I asked what they did together, he answered "This and that" - with that chilly look in his eyes he uses to alert me that further probing is unwelcome.

 

Well I don't think they're playing Parcheesi - as my mother used to say. I'm 99% sure he was having sexual intercourse with his last girlfriend. (I was short money one morning, he invited me to borrow a $20 from his wallet, and I found a condom in there.) And as bright as my son is, I doubt this woman is interested in his views on Social Security reform.

 

17 is the age of consent in our state, so I can't argue against what he's doing on the basis of the law. I'm appalled by his choice of partner, but I know that isn't going to carry any weight with him. I'm sure some people will advocate the "As long as you're living under my roof..." approach, but I'm really hoping there's a better way. I'm certain that he would lose respect for me. Worse, I'm afraid he would be justified in doing so. And he would be perfectly capable (though I don't think it likely) of saying "Fine" and moving out on his own - which is not what I want for him.

 

Any ideas?

[kellybelle]

I remember when I was seventeen and independent, whenever my mom didn't like one of my dates, I would like him even more, and if she DID like one of my dates, I would think the guy was gross.

 

You could try a 180 approach and invite the old girlfriend out to dinner one night, act if she was a perfectly acceptable choice, and go on and on about how much you like her to your son. Hopefully this will gross out your son and make the older woman uncomfortable about dating such a young person.

 

OR

 

Go straight to the lady and tell her that you do not want her near your son in no uncertain terms. This may or may not get back to him, and he could get angry about it.

 

Both ways are a gamble, but just keep in mind:

 

Illicit affairs blossom under the cover of secrecy.

[shamen]

Hi greyroots,

 

I am now 35, but when I was 17, I dated a much older man. My father knew about it, as I lived with him. I can't recall as to whether or not he met him though. Regardless, my dad let me know that he was concerned and let me be the stupid one. I was glad that he let me make my own mistakes. In retrospect, it was incredibly stupid. I almost quit school (college) because of this guy and he ended up stalking me.

 

Anyway, I would let him know that you are concerned about what he is doing. Remind him to be careful, both emotionally and sexually. (My dad and I had the birth control talk when I was 17. I can't tell you both how embarrassed I was that he did it, but how glad I was that he was concerned.) Tell him that you care about what happens with him. Let him know that if he wants to talk about it, that you're there for him.

 

Just a suggestion. Being told what not to do invariably leads to doing something even more stupid by many teenagers. The fact that my father was willing to let me be who I was, as well as be there for me has been one of my mainstays and supporting things in my life.

[Tamed Wildflower]

Well, it sounds like you have a really excellent relationship with your son, without the complications that result from an authority-figure/subordinate type of parent/child relationship. I would think that because of this, you would be better poised to have a serious discussion where you raise your concerns and respectfully listen to his views. He's too mature, and the way you have parented him has been too wonderfully respectful for you to "lay down the law" with the as-long-as-you-are-under-this-roof crap, or for him to be the typical eye-rolling teen who just whines, "Aww, Mom!"

 

I would go this route, "Son, there is something we need to discuss. I know that I normally allow you your independence, your privacy, your space, but right now I am concerned about you, so you will have to excuse my prying-- understand that it is out of love. I know that you have been spending a lot of quality time this woman who is more than twice your age, and I am concerned about the nature of the relationship. I know that you are an extremely mature guy who is bright enough and reasonable enough to avoid situations that may bring you to harm, but you are still young, and it is possible that you are getting yourself into a bad situation here. Twenty-three years is a hell of an age difference for this kind of relationship when you are only 17, and I just want to make sure there aren't subtle power imbalances.... " [i don't exactly know the nature of your concerns, so of course I can't put them in your mouth for you.]

 

Do you think your son will open up to you if you try this approach? If so, you will have to be prepared for him to say, "Mom, you've raised me to be mature, responsible, and independent, so you have to understand that I am about 10 years more mature than the stupid, immature girls my age that use the word "like" for every other word they say. I'm very mature for my age, she is a little less mature for her age-- we meet in the middle. I appreciate your concern, but don't worry."

 

Can you put your finger on what it is that worries you? I would be concerned too, but more than anything else, my reason would be that it just sounds skeevy. It just seems that there is something wrong with it. And truthfully, I don't know if this is a good enough reason. But there is a possibility of subtle power imbalances with such a huge age gap, and that is a good reason to worry.

 

I would like to commend you, though, for how you have raised this boy. I often think about how I would like to raise my kids when I have them, about how I wish I had been raised. Your method is basically how I have decided I would like to raise kids, and I have rarely seen or heard of anyone else doing it this way. So thank you for your example, Greyroots.

[tiki]

Tell him that the day will come when he can enjoy an older woman, but for now, he should take advantage of being able to 'woo' the younger women!

 

I can't believe a 40 year old woman would have anything in common with a 17 year old!!