Is no contact the only way?

[Unguardiant]

Hi - I really appreciate that this space exists. Struggling with conflicting feelings in a situation involving moral wrong-doing can lead to an intense feeling of isolation and shame. Properly placed shame, but ruminating on the same thoughts by oneself is rarely helpful. I appreciate any non-judgemental support that can be offered in this forum. I am new to these forums so I don't have all the lingo and abbreviations down yet.

 

I have found myself involved with a man (age 32) who has a girlfriend (I will call him MM even though he is certainly not married). They have been dating for a little over a year. I (age 24) have been with my boyfriend for two years. . MM and I have only kissed at this point, and we have been 'seeing' each other for about a month.

 

I am conscious of the rabbit hole that I am leading myself down by getting involved with this type of situation, and I want to stop. Yet I am incredibly, magnetically, electrically drawn to MM. Other people have caught my eye over the course of the time that I've been with my current partner, but not in this way. My feelings for MM are strong and intensifying every day. I am seriously considering breaking up with my current partner, but the thought of doing so breaks my heart (even writing that sentence made me tear up).

 

I have two specific questions:

 

1) If I chose to let the MM go, is NC the only way to effectively do it? In your experience, is that really the only choice if I am serious about ending this before it gets worse?

 

2) Is there any way to know whether the intensity of my feelings for MM are situational and not genuine? That is, are they there because of nature of having an affair? Lets say we both break up with our partners - what are the chances that our feelings towards one another will be completely different if we were single? What have other people experienced?

 

Pre-emptive disclaimer: I expect to receive comments related to the fact that I am young and there is 8 years between myself and MM. Yes, I am young. While that impacts my experience, it doesn't make my feelings any less valid or my relationships less important. I operate in an adult world and my friends are mostly between the ages of 29 and 35, so the age difference is a consideration but not pivotal.

 

THANK YOU for reading and for any thoughts!

[Rainbowlove]

I operate in an adult world

 

Good thing, because you are about to learn some really hard adult lessons.

 

Tread carefully, but do read on.

 

I am in the belief that NC is the only proper way to move on from someone and an end an affair scenario.

 

Kissing someone else is cheating. I'm sure your BF would say the same, so don't minimize it by saying we "only" kissed.

 

There is no way to know if your feelings for this OM will be the same if you both choose to end your other relationships. You have to choose at some point him or him.

 

Welcome to the adult real world of choosing who to be with.

 

Good luck.

[Unguardiant]

You're right. I am cheating on my boyfriend. Thanks for calling me on that, I didn't realize I was minimizing but I definitely was - trying to justify it to myself and make myself feel less guilty. That's not cool - I need to feel the weight of my actions. Thanks for your reply.

[FusionCutter]

You're right. I am cheating on my boyfriend. Thanks for calling me on that, I didn't realize I was minimizing but I definitely was - trying to justify it to myself and make myself feel less guilty. That's not cool - I need to feel the weight of my actions. Thanks for your reply.

 

You probably feel torn up about this. How do you stop feeling this way? You end the cheating and re-evaluate your relationship. You cannot see your relationship clearly as long as you are wearing your cheating glasses.

 

End the cheating via NC. Then you will gain perspective.

[Unguardiant]

An adult world is driven by integrity, not self-serving deception. Thank you for making me realize that I have a lot of soul searching and self-reflection to do before I can consider myself a member of such a world.

[Quiet Storm]

People in long term relationships will be attracted to other people. It's how you handle those feelings that determines your character. Maybe your boyfriend doesn't electrify you anymore, but does he deserve to be cheated on? Why don't you value your relationship with him enough to respect it and protect it? And if your relationship with him has run its course, set him free to find someone that's genuinely into him and doesn't lie to him.

 

Keeping in contact with someone that you have such an intense attraction to is not cool if you plan to stay with your boyfriend. Don't feed the attraction, starve it.

[DKT3]

Yes, NC is the only way to go. Why? Because to this point its a fact that you can't control yourself and you are slowly breaking down walls that WILL land you in MM bed. Your really in the beginning stages of what many others in your position say "they aren't looking for" yet every line crossed is a step closer to what you want, even if your not honest with yourself now, SEX.

 

Purely from the math of affairs with two committed AP's this relationship has almost NO chance of transitioning into a "REAL" relationship. First and foremost the odds are really low that MM is as emotionally vested as you are. Sure his words may say so, but honestly, would it work for you if he said "hey I'm just looking to sleep with you, I'm not leaving my girlfriend, I don't really care about you, nor do I care what happens in your life or relationship after I get what I want a few time". How serious would you have taken him with that? So he lies his a$$ off convinces you that your his soulmate, that you have this azaming connection.

 

Lastly, the fact that its an affair adds an extra element of excitement that in no way you can re-create with your boyfriend. Its that extra little push that gets most unfaithful women over the edge. Exit the partners and that element is gone. Now your his girlfriend and he is off looking for his next "soulmate" as are you. These things tend to go full circle, very rarely do they end in happily ever after, no matter what a few here will tell you.

 

I think the question you need to ask is "if the thought of breaking up with my boyfriend hurts so much, then why the need for this guys attention" in answering that you will answer a lot.

[Unguardiant]

Thanks for the insight everyone. I really deeply appreciate it. Keep it coming if you want, but I got the answer I needed.

 

I texted the OM and told him its over. We will meet tonight to tie things up, but I am committed to NC from that point forward. He is on board with ending things, saying that "I know it is for the best too".

 

It's my birthday tomorrow (I lied, I'm not actually 24 yet). I want to give myself the gift of living a life of integrity - or at least getting closer to it. I will assess how to tell my bf about this and how to take accountability. If breaking up is a price of learning this lesson, I'll take the pain in stride.

 

Thanks again. This forum conversation was really important for me.

[Rainbowlove]

We will meet tonight to tie things up, but I am committed to NC from that point forward. He is on board with ending things, saying that "I know it is for the best too".

 

NC doesn't start tomorrow. It starts now.

 

And knowing he is on another board will make it harder for you to go NC. Checking on him there and seeing what he's saying is contact still.

 

Good luck.

[evanescentworld]

...And knowing he is on another board will make it harder for you to go NC. Checking on him there and seeing what he's saying is contact still....

No, she didn't say he's on ANOTHER board... she said that he's in agreement with the planned NC.... read it again....

 

..... He is on board with ending things, saying that "I know it is for the best too"......

[Unguardiant]

I appreciate your comment and understand what you are saying, but I need to end things in-person. And by 'on board' I meant 'in agreement'... not on another message board.

[Rainbowlove]

Excellent. All the best to you.

 

And kudos for telling your BF. That's the right thing to do.

[veryhappy]

Given that he agreed so eagerly to losing you, I do suggest NC as a way to not fall back into the A. He doesn't want you more than for fun, he's probably moving to make the gf his wife and sacred mother of his children.

 

 

You are young, and because of that being in affairs is more dangerous to you - you just don't have the mental endurance of more experience to manage it, and you can get trapped in it and lose the best fertility years you have.

 

 

It may be that you don't want to stay with your bf long term. If it doesn't work, you have the time to look for the right person. Don't waste your energy with people who are unavailable.

 

 

Your little lies...maybe have some therapy sessions and see what that's about. Honestly nobody would have cared if you had said "almost 24" vs. "24".

[evanescentworld]

....It's my birthday tomorrow (I lied, I'm not actually 24 yet).

 

Yes you are. You are actually about to complete your 24th year. Tomorrow will mark the end of your 24th year and the beginning of your 25th year.

 

After all, you were one year old at the END of your first year, not at the beginning of it, weren't you?

[Unguardiant]

Yep, you are right. White lies are lies. I said 24 for simplicity's sake, but I should have been more specific. I called to make an appointment with a counsellor this morning for everything anyway, I will add this to the list of things I want to discuss

[Unguardiant]

Yes you are. You are actually about to complete your 24th year. Tomorrow will mark the end of your 24th year and the beginning of your 25th year.

 

After all, you were one year old at the END of your first year, not at the beginning of it, weren't you?

 

Haha thanks - some redemption here at least!!!

[Friskyone4u]

If you do some reading you will find that almost all the experts on infidelity say that the first and non negotiable step is total NO CONTACT. There is no easy way around that.

And meeting in person is not a great idea. If there is this animal attraction you may find yourself in the sack again.

[hello234]

Hey OP.. How can u like this guy? He instantly said OK when u said NC.. doesnt that show u that he doesnt like you as much as you do?? This is gonna be a major heartbreak for you if you continue.. NC is best.. but when you see him, the low life is gonna try to suck you back in.. No matter the extent of "Sweet talk" or hugs or kisses he tries to lay on u (which all is empty with no real love, mind you), do NOT get sucked back in.. stick with your decision.

[evanescentworld]

Hey OP.. How can u like this guy? He instantly said OK when u said NC.. doesnt that show u that he doesnt like you as much as you do?? This is gonna be a major heartbreak for you if you continue.. NC is best.. but when you see him, the low life is gonna try to suck you back in.. No matter the extent of "Sweet talk" or hugs or kisses he tries to lay on u (which all is empty with no real love, mind you), do NOT get sucked back in.. stick with your decision.

 

 

OMG!! Talk about Pot, kettle and Black! The text-speak is bad enough, but giving advice now, when you never take it yourself??

You're kidding, aren't you??

[jellybean89]

Excellent. All the best to you.

 

And kudos for telling your BF. That's the right thing to do.

 

Are you reading the OP posts? She didn't tell her BF of her kissing another man.

 

Unguard.....you are only meeting with him for one last kiss, hug or whatever. There is no need to meet up in person to break up. As you get older and get more life experience, you will learn this. I know you think you are worldly, but you aren't yet. Maturity isn't about the age of your friends, it's about learning and growing through experiences. Experiencing life.

 

You have cheated on your bf. Being with someone doesn't mean you can't look at others, but it does mean honoring your commitment to someone and being loyal, not lying by omission or betraying someone. I can guarantee you wouldn't like it if it is done to you.

 

All relationships take both people engaging and working on the relationships. Relationships ebb and flow...you may have butterflies today but irritation tomorrow. That's life. It's not always roses and glitter.

[Rainbowlove]

I will assess how to tell my bf about this and how to take accountability. If breaking up is a price of learning this lesson, I'll take the pain in stride.

 

I'm reading. She said she is going to tell him.

[Unguardiant]

I do not think I am special or all-knowing, and you also know nothing about other things I have experienced in life or how I handle other parts of my life. This is an experience I have not yet had, hence me coming to people with more life experience (who I assume to be on this forum) for advice. I am looking to others for guidance because I didn't know what to do.

 

I am no longer meeting him tonight, based on replies here. It's done. I now deal with the rest of the ****. I will tell my boyfriend and we will decide together whether we maintain our relationship. If we break up, it is my fault and I take 100% blame for hurting him.

 

You're right, what I did was incredibly childish and immature. I have a lot to learn. I appreciate your desire to humble me and please know that it has worked.

[FusionCutter]

I do not think I am special or all-knowing, and you also know nothing about other things I have experienced in life or how I handle other parts of my life. This is an experience I have not yet had, hence me coming to people with more life experience (who I assume to be on this forum) for advice. I am looking to others for guidance because I didn't know what to do.

 

I am no longer meeting him tonight, based on replies here. It's done. I now deal with the rest of the ****. I will tell my boyfriend and we will decide together whether we maintain our relationship. If we break up, it is my fault and I take 100% blame for hurting him.

 

You're right, what I did was incredibly childish and immature. I have a lot to learn. I appreciate your desire to humble me and please know that it has worked.

 

You're doing the right thing. Good luck on your journey and keep us posted.

[MissBee]

Hi - I really appreciate that this space exists. Struggling with conflicting feelings in a situation involving moral wrong-doing can lead to an intense feeling of isolation and shame. Properly placed shame, but ruminating on the same thoughts by oneself is rarely helpful. I appreciate any non-judgemental support that can be offered in this forum. I am new to these forums so I don't have all the lingo and abbreviations down yet.

 

I have found myself involved with a man (age 32) who has a girlfriend (I will call him MM even though he is certainly not married). They have been dating for a little over a year. I (age 24) have been with my boyfriend for two years. . MM and I have only kissed at this point, and we have been 'seeing' each other for about a month.

 

I am conscious of the rabbit hole that I am leading myself down by getting involved with this type of situation, and I want to stop. Yet I am incredibly, magnetically, electrically drawn to MM. Other people have caught my eye over the course of the time that I've been with my current partner, but not in this way. My feelings for MM are strong and intensifying every day. I am seriously considering breaking up with my current partner, but the thought of doing so breaks my heart (even writing that sentence made me tear up).

 

I have two specific questions:

 

1) If I chose to let the MM go, is NC the only way to effectively do it? In your experience, is that really the only choice if I am serious about ending this before it gets worse?

 

2) Is there any way to know whether the intensity of my feelings for MM are situational and not genuine? That is, are they there because of nature of having an affair? Lets say we both break up with our partners - what are the chances that our feelings towards one another will be completely different if we were single? What have other people experienced?

 

Pre-emptive disclaimer: I expect to receive comments related to the fact that I am young and there is 8 years between myself and MM. Yes, I am young. While that impacts my experience, it doesn't make my feelings any less valid or my relationships less important. I operate in an adult world and my friends are mostly between the ages of 29 and 35, so the age difference is a consideration but not pivotal.

 

THANK YOU for reading and for any thoughts!

 

Neither of you are married, so IMO, you're not at all tied down to your partners in the same way a married person might feel they are because they have kids, have a home together, years together etc. He's only been with this woman a year and you your bf for 2 years. If you are dissatisfied with your relationships so EARLY on...then it is best you two find new people. I sort of get if you're married for years how for some it becomes routine so they are more likely to pursue new exciting feelings with someone else...but if you're in a relationship of 2 years and are already cheating or dissatisfied enough to do so, then think seriously about why that is and what to do next.

 

Everyone wants it all. You want to be able to see this man, not have NC, know for sure if you're going to feel the same if you leave, not breakup with your bf etc...but all those things aren't compatible with each other. Most people, and I'm no exception, when they're in a bind want a win win situation where they can get everything they want with no negative consequences....but it doesn't work like that. Choices must be made.

 

Just like you lost feelings for your bf (or if you didn't lose feelings but are still cheating for whatever reason) you could possibly end up in a similar situation with this new guy. There is no way for anyone to tell you for sure how you guys will feel and what will happen. I think the intense attraction might make you feel like it is something different and special and that you will always feel this way, and maybe in a minority of cases that could be true, but for the most part, an affair love can fizzle out and die like any other one once it's open and day to day. Just like any other relationship might start hot and heavy then wane.

 

Those who don't want NC are the ones who usually need to do it, because the fact that NC seems so dreadful usually means you're so attached to this person and can't let go so if you don't do NC and try to say you're just "friends" you will only be fooling yourself. BTDT. I tried to "be friends" with my exAP(he also wasn't married but had a longterm gf whom he had been with for years and they had a child together so he was even more involved with her than your guy), that didn't work. It always fell right back into the same pattern. The feelings didn't disappear simply by saying we're friends now. Only NC helped me to really move forward and sever those intense feelings, as keeping in contact only fed the feelings.

 

Bottomline: you're young and unmarried and he's relatively young and unmarried. You both need to weigh what the benefits are of being with who you're with and figure out why you're cheating on them. No one should leave to be with someone else...leave because you're done with your relationship. Don't simply use your bf for convenience or whatever it is if you won't commit. You can't have it all. One choice will preclude others so just make the choice you can live with.

Edited December 4, 2014 by MissBee

[hello234]

OMG!! Talk about Pot, kettle and Black! The text-speak is bad enough, but giving advice now, when you never take it yourself??

You're kidding, aren't you??

 

 

Ummm EXcuse YoU!! I didn't really give much importance to punctuation etc when I am trying to type my heartfelt thoughts.. but yes I should take my advise but in my case my MM is insistent and not leaving..ANYWAY! back to op....