Sleep with someone new to level the playing field?

[BrotherAaron]

I started dating my ex when I was 16 until just 3 weeks ago for a grand total of 3 1/2 years. I'm now 20 years old, and my ex is pretty much the only girl I've ever been with.

 

She left me because she made out with some other dude, somewhat a friend of mine, and decided she wanted to explore her feelings for him.

 

I see them together a lot. They both live shouting distance from myself. The worst part? Seeing her go into his room... wondering what they're doing.

 

I've adjusted to the emotional tresspass. It's the physical that I'm hung up on. It still feels like she's cheating on me, even though I know we're over. Want her back or not, I still don't want this other guy to have her. It's not about her being with somebody new, it's about her being stolen from me by a guy I trusted. (as for that, I've learned my lesson. The signs were clear. I'd just never been taken like that before. It won't happen again.)

 

Meanwhile, there's a very attractive woman pursuing me. I'm sure I could have her, but I'm not sure if that's what I want. I was just thinking that maybe being with someone new would help mitigate my hurt feelings about seeing her with someone new.

 

Hell, maybe she'd even happen to see me and the (very attractive) new girl together (although I'm not going to go out of my way to make it happen, I can't say that I'd mind).

 

Will sleeping with this girl make me feel better, or just make me feel worse? I'm sick of worrying about what it is exactly that this guy is doing to my girlfriend (I know, she's not my girlfriend anymore). Maybe having someone of my own could make me stop caring so much.

 

Or maybe it will feel like sleeping on cold cement because there's some guy in my bed.

[beatjunkies]

I dont think that you should use this other girl to make you feel better or make your ex jealous in order to get back together.. thats not fair for the girl pursuing you !! but whatever though.. I would just be happy about being single I guess... If you make any decisions, dont make it based on how your ex will react.. think of it as being single and hooking up with some new chick... but i wouldnt bring her in the mix though in order to get yer ex back...

 

its up to you though..

 

peace

[bkdaniels]

Years ago as a young student in college, I didn't have hardly too much time on my hand to get a job. Facing mid-terms, only worse was yet to come. The bills had to be paid and I still needed money for food clothes and the like. One of my deasest personal posessions was my $1500 gray truck with mag rims. It in fact was the most valuable posessions I have ever owned at the time. Forced with the need to gather an additional income, I ended up making the toughest decisions in my life: I had to get rid of my truck.

 

After selling the $1500 gray truck with mag rims, it was so strange that every time I looked around, I saw a gray truck simular. Every time I saw a gray truck as mine, I thought about that truck and when I had the opportunity to approach the owner, I would happly say, I used to have a gray truck just like that.

 

The point that I am tring to make is: when you have to give up something dear and valuable to you, nothing will take away the memories. You may even see items just like it, but none will be the exact same one. Even when I did spot the truck and the owner I sold it to, I would just pat the truck for old times sake.

 

I am not suggesting that you pat your ex as I did that truck or approach her owner. I believe that after you have done all that you could do and it's still not enough at least you can express your feelings and not be bothered by the loss.

 

Best wishes,

[WithOrWithoutYou]

Your ex is done with you, and you know very well what is going on when she goes into his room.

 

Go out with the new girl, but do it for yourself, not to get back at your ex, or so that she will see you together. Finding someone new is the most important step to starting to get over the ex. It sounds like you are physically attracted to the new girl, and she to you, so why not see where it could go? Like the other poster said though, be sincere about it. Don't just use her to get your ex. The new girl deserves better than that, and so do you.

[reservoirdog1]

My own experience...

 

I was married to my ex-wife for 7 years before I learned she was a serial cheat. I wanted to reconcile but she didn't want to. I moved out. First night in my new place, I slept with another woman. Neither the other woman nor I was looking for anything serious.

 

It didn't take away the deep pain. But, it was definitely a shot in the arm, and a bit of a f*ck-you to the ex. In the middle of a fight about 10 days after I moved out, I told her that I'd already slept with somebody else. Told her that to hurt her, and it worked.

 

I don't know if any of that was a good idea or not. But I don't regret either sleeping with the other woman, or telling the ex that I'd done so. It wasn't a cure-all by any means but it certainly helped me in the immediate term.

 

Just my $0.02.

[flitzanu]

hey man, i can relate with the girl leaving you for the friend story. i agree with the others though, don't pick up the new chick to spite the ex. trust me, i want to do the same thing...now, if you spite her inadvertantly, then revel in it, don't pretend like you need to be better and avoid her. don't be afraid to let her see you with the new girl, but don't flaunt it either.

 

jealousy is a trusted ally my friend.

[utterlyheartbroken]

I know what it's like to be cheated on. I'm the poster child of being cheated on and obviously marrying someone I felt was special and thought I was special to them in return still doesn't matter because the curse still shows me that I am not ever ment to be happy. Even if your not together anymore. You feel that way you still are because that person made you feel as though they were really into the relationship when obviously they weren't. Those kind of people know how to manipulate real well but I'm sure you don't have to have me tell you that. Any ways everyone in here is right you really shouldn't use anyone else to make yourself feel better and to get back at your ex it's not worth it. I have slutted myself out since I can remember and it isn't going to make you feel any better. In fact it will make you feel a whole lot worse. Ask yourself this, how would the person you would be with now feel if they found out that you were doing the samething to them that your ex had done to you? And even if that person was willing to let you slut them out it still isn't right. So if your willing and ready to move on make sure that you are moving on for the right reasons and not the wrong. Give yourself the benefit of the doubt because your worth it and for someone to not see or make you feel that way means that they are the ones that are messed up and need phyco help. My husband right now is sleeping with some woman and he just recently told me. I have had a lot of thoughts and feelings going through me right now to many for me to even count. I know that the main feeling I have right now for him is extreme hate and rage against him for doing this to me and to what we've worked both so hard for. I keep asking myself what it is that I did wrong but I then realize that I didn't do anything wrong. He is the one that has decided to leave me to go screw some other woman and all because I quit giving it up to him. Before I got pregnant and during. I am so angry with him I can't stand to look at him anymore the same. Even though I always knew that he had mental problems to begin with. He still has the same choices that you and I have. He chose to cheat on me. He chose to betray what we worked so hard to get too. I still am depressed and wish I could just sex it all away. I have also thought (and am still thinking) of having sec with someone else. Not to get back at him (though at the beginning that is what I had originally planned in the first place to do once I found out) but because I am tired of him telling me that I am the one that quit giving it up first when it was him. I thought I had a partner and instead ended up finding out that I had a monster instead. I slutted myself out like I said a long time ago I am not going to do it again. He is now in the spot that I use to be in. I can't try to help him understand it when he's not willing too because he's not worth it and because it would be a waste of my time. He is going to have to learn this the hard way. The same hard way I had to learn. I feel sorry for him there but that is the only sorrow I feel at all. My point in all this is that I know that it seems extremely tempting to get back at her but in return all you'd get back is punk'd. Slutting yourself out just makes you feel more like a loser and a monster. And that is exactly what you would be in the end. You'd be what your ex is. A slut. Is that what you want to be? A robot. Someone with alsolutely no feelings what-so-ever? I don't think that is the kind of person you want to become. You sound like a good person who is very genune in everything that you do. You sound like someone that gives your all and when someone punk's you out in the end you feel just like the rest of us feel hurt. Betrayed. Stund. You bleed just like the rest of us. Crying is normal even though our society doesn't think so. Anger is normal but taking that violance that you feel and using it towards yourself or others isn't good or normal. It's wrong and hurts others. Punching a punching bag or box helps. Screaming into a pillow helps as loud and long as your body will let you. Repeating the words, "I hate you" out loud until the feeling subsides helped me too. All those things I just mentioned really helped me. I of course am in a different situation than you are in but there are similarities there. And the feelings are the same. We were betrayed and lied too and that hurts. If you would like to talk more with me my e-mail address is out in the open here. Write me back if you'd like. Keep your head up. You have an advantage I don't have right now and that is you can go and find someone else. Stay and be as as you can be. Hope to hear from you soon. Bye.

 

Elizabeth

[7on]

Yeah... I still have problems around this girl that I slept with and it turned out she was just using me (though I'd like to point out there was no sex, just hot hot making out). I guess we're "friends" but whenever she brings up flirting with guys over breaks or mentioning other guys in general - I have to leave the room. Even though we were never together - I felt a physical bond between me and her. And it hurts that I can't have that.

 

It did enough damage that I went into counseling for 4 weeks. Realized I was pursuing a relationship because I missed her. Missed her body next to mine, missed waking up and having someone lay beside me holding my hand...

 

But what can you do eh?

[RecordProducer]

But BKDANIELS, it's YOU who dumped the truck, it didn't dump you for the new owner!

[BrotherAaron]

I have no intent to use this girl.

 

I've been having a great time hanging out with her. We've kissed and we've cuddled, but I'm not pursuing sex. I like her. I don't even think about my ex when I spend time with this new girl. I'm lucky to have met this girl, even if she fell into my life at a bad time. If she ends up wanting to be my girlfriend, then I think I'm ready for that. I wasn't expecting a new relationship, but I really do like her.

 

My ex told me today that she slept with this guy (and at the same time told me she misses me and wishes she could have me back). I didn't feel inclined to take her back, I knew she was going to say she wanted me back. I honestly didn't think she had slept with him though. She always said she wanted to wait for marriage, and she felt guilty enough for sleeping with me. I have some misgivings about the fact that she obviously regrets it, and she was drunk, and he was sober. But she initiated it, and it's really her battle at this point.

 

Oh well. I'm done with her... completely. I just wasn't ready to hear that she slept with him.

 

I'm not interested in trying to have any kind of a relationship with my ex, but I'm not sure that I should be bothered as much as I am that she slept with this guy. I was already to the point that I could think about my ex without even getting sad. I just can't think about my ex having sex with this guy... even if she's telling the truth, and it was only once.

 

I'm going to continue spending time with my new girl. I think I'm ready. I hope I'm not wrong.

[reservoirdog1]

but I'm not sure that I should be bothered as much as I am that she slept with this guy.

I'm not surprised you're bothered by this. You two only broke up three weeks ago, after being together for over three years. Sorry to say, but it will probably bother you, to some degree, for several months. Even if you're with somebody else, it could still bug you. But, over time, it gets less and less until it stops completely.

 

The best way to describe it is "residual territoriality". You're still not totally used to the idea of not being with her. Give yourself time, let yourself heal, and as long as the new girl in your life knows what you're getting over and still wants to be with you knowing that, then let her be part of your healing process.