Broke no contact after two months (Updated, still coping)

[Jet Lag]

After feeling really sad last night, I decided this morning to send a message...

 

Just, I really enjoyed our friendship over the years, you had the ability to make me feel really good.

 

I received no response...I must admit, I was surprised. I figured he would respond in some way.

 

Oh well.

 

Surprisingly, I don't feel too bad (ATM).

[Chin Up]

ohh I'm sorry Jet. ...

 

I remember being pretty surprised when I didn't get a response either.

 

A few days went by and then I was hurt over it. Ignoring me? really?? why???

Seems so cruel and senseless.

 

Breakups are so bizarre.

People do things that have you questioning how well you really knew them.

 

It still hurts me that he didn't answer. I feel shunned. But, I can see the positives in it. It was the slap in the face that I needed. No good could have come from him replying, and there's nothing he could have said to make things easier. I highly doubt he ignored me for "cruel to be kind" reasons. He didn't answer cuz he doesn't care. Ouch, but it shoved me in the right direction, which is AWAY from him.

 

Now I'm working on reciprocating those feelings of indifference.

 

No more sending texts, ...right?

Edited December 4, 2014 by Chin Up

[DenverDude]

Aww I am sorry for you both. I definitely know how it feels.

 

A few days ago I get an email from her that basically said "hope you are eddie (our cat) are doing well. Could you please remove me from your ski pass" (her name was linked to my account)

 

I instantly removed her from the pass and got a simple "Thanks!" back...

 

Last night, I broke down and emailed her back talking about our once shared cat, Eddie. (since she did reference him in her initial email) I mentioned that I could tell he missed her and that it seemed like he was gaining weight lol.

 

Well, all day today I was thinking she would email back, but guess what? Nothing. It really sucks. You get all excited because the one person that you really want to hear from the most, was really just reaching out for nothing.. breadcrumbs so to speak.. she could have easily removed her from my pass with one simple phone call. Now here I am, anxiety at an all time high, and she could care less.

 

I've dated some really special people, but J was something else. She really was the apple of my eye. I just don't understand how easy it can be for the dumper.

[Jet Lag]

ohh I'm sorry Jet. ...

 

I remember being pretty surprised when I didn't get a response either.

 

A few days went by and then I was hurt over it. Ignoring me? really?? why???

Seems so cruel and senseless.

 

Breakups are so bizarre.

People do things that have you questioning how well you really knew them.

 

It still hurts me that he didn't answer. I feel shunned. But, I can see the positives in it. It was the slap in the face that I needed. No good could have come from him replying, and there's nothing he could have said to make things easier. I highly doubt he ignored me for "cruel to be kind" reasons. He didn't answer cuz he doesn't care. Ouch, but it shoved me in the right direction, which is AWAY from him.

 

Now I'm working on reciprocating those feelings of indifference.

 

No more sending texts, ...right?

 

I guess it shows how things change. In my mind, he is still my best friend, even though we are no longer in contact. I'm thinking I am still in denial.

 

I certainly don't consider myself the dumper, he said he needed to see other people so I said I was out and needed to go no contact.

 

He told me he understood but at some stage said he wouldn't feel secure in a relationship with me because I leave when things get hard (WTF?)

 

I did think he would reply though. It was him whose feelings had moved on, who no longer felt the love for me needed in a relationship. Not like it would hurt him to be in contact (though it probably would hurt me and this is probably the best outcome).

[Jet Lag]

Aww I am sorry for you both. I definitely know how it feels.

 

A few days ago I get an email from her that basically said "hope you are eddie (our cat) are doing well. Could you please remove me from your ski pass" (her name was linked to my account)

 

I instantly removed her from the pass and got a simple "Thanks!" back...

 

Last night, I broke down and emailed her back talking about our once shared cat, Eddie. (since she did reference him in her initial email) I mentioned that I could tell he missed her and that it seemed like he was gaining weight lol.

 

Well, all day today I was thinking she would email back, but guess what? Nothing. It really sucks. You get all excited because the one person that you really want to hear from the most, was really just reaching out for nothing.. breadcrumbs so to speak.. she could have easily removed her from my pass with one simple phone call. Now here I am, anxiety at an all time high, and she could care less.

 

I've dated some really special people, but J was something else. She really was the apple of my eye. I just don't understand how easy it can be for the dumper.

 

It is weird and it sucks. I'm thinking mine probably has a new serious girl friend so I convince myself he still does have feelings for me and that is why he doesn't return my contact...

 

Or the fact, that I didn't respond to his "Hey, happy birthday. x"

 

I so wanted to respond but figured if I did and received no more response it would wreck me.

[Jet Lag]

I can't seem to get away from him this week. This is the third day in a row his kids' mother has left the kids here.

 

I am not complaining. I love the boys. That was one of the reasons I was so sad when we ended as I thought I could be really positive for the boys.

 

But I saw the ex at the basketball stadium yesterday. Wasn't expecting him to be there as I didn't see his car and the boys were with their Mum.

 

My 15yo said when we were walking in that direction he kept turning and smiling. I didn't even look there.

 

I think that is what made me sad. Did he think I was going to sit with him and did it make him happy?

 

Oh, I wish!

 

Still love him more than I have loved anyone. Still see him as the most special person in the world.

 

Still don't understand...still not moving on.

 

Blah.

[Chin Up]

You are still in denial. You're not moving on because you don't want to.

When you keep romanticizing a person and their words/actions, it keeps you stuck. You have to make the decision to get over him.

 

You can see things for how they are, or how you want them to be. Seeing things how you want them to be..that's what keeps you trapped in denial.

 

He was looking back and smiling. That could mean anything, it could even mean he was happy seeing you upset. As long as you choose to see a persons actions in a way that verifies your desire to mean what you want, you're not seeing things as they are.

 

He IS the dumper. He didn't fully drop the axe, but he made it pretty clear what's going on . C'mon jet, he said he wanted to see (screw) other people. Is that what someone in love wants to do? He isn't confused or needing time. Stop thinking about his words, and look at his actions.

 

Has he done anything to show you that he misses you or wants you back? Nope. Not even a mouse fart of effort. It's hard to accept it, but he's gone and he's not looking back. He's an as*hole. Not because he wanted out, but because of all the reasons you stated in your "I was used" thread. Despite your feelings, deep down you know this guy is wrong for you. It didn't turn out. You were invested, he wasn't. He wanted out, you didn't. Its a tug-o-war, but most of it is going on within yourself.

 

Keep telling yourself. "He's gone. It's over. He's not coming back. I deserve better because I'm an amazing person and DO deserve better. I deserve to be loved. It will be hard but I will overcome this and come out a better and stronger person for it."

 

I think you should start to consider not having his kids in your life anymore. I know that's hard since you care for them, but you need to really put all your energy back on you. You're not a bad person for it, and both him and his ex will understand.

 

You gotta cut the ties, girl. Sorry if any of that made no sense. Had 2 big glasses on wine earlier haha.

[Jet Lag]

You are still in denial. You're not moving on because you don't want to.

When you keep romanticizing a person and their words/actions, it keeps you stuck. You have to make the decision to get over him.

 

You can see things for how they are, or how you want them to be. Seeing things how you want them to be..that's what keeps you trapped in denial.

 

He IS the dumper. He didn't fully drop the axe, but he made it pretty clear what's going on . C'mon jet, he said he wanted to see (screw) other people. Is that what someone in love wants to do? He isn't confused or needing time. Stop thinking about his words, and look at his actions.

 

Has he done anything to show you that he misses you or wants you back? Nope. Not even a mouse fart of effort. It's hard to accept it, but he's gone and he's not looking back. He's an as*hole. Not because he wanted out, but because of all the reasons you stated in your "I was used" thread. Despite your feelings, deep down you know this guy is wrong for you. It didn't turn out. You were invested, he wasn't. He wanted out, you didn't. Its a tug-o-war, but most of it is going on within yourself.

 

Keep telling yourself. "He's gone. It's over. He's not coming back. I deserve better because I'm an amazing person and DO deserve better. I deserve to be loved. It will be hard but I will overcome this and come out a better and stronger person for it."

 

I think you should start to consider not having his kids in your life anymore. I know that's hard since you care for them, but you need to really put all your energy back on you. You're not a bad person for it, and both him and his ex will understand.

 

You gotta cut the ties, girl. Sorry if any of that made no sense. Had 2 big glasses on wine earlier haha.

 

What you say is so so true! I am in denial because it still doesn't make sense to me that we are not together.

 

The kids, I couldn't exclude them. I have them here now. I can hear them playing with my kids...they are my kids best friends. I long ago vowed never to exclude kids from my kids lives because of my issues after a friend did that to one of my elder kids.

 

Anyway, I have contact now...

 

"Apparently you have my kids tonight. WTF?"

 

That after ignoring my message today...and after ignoring me at the basketball stadium.

 

Charming.

[Jet Lag]

I responded with a ? and an, "Are you angry with me?"

 

And...it was ignored.

 

What the hell? Why did he message me about the kids? What did he expect me to say?

[Chin Up]

And this is why I was hoping he just wouldn't answer you lol. If he hadn't, you would have been sad but facing it. Now you're all confused over what it means.

 

What did he expect me to say?

 

He didn't expect you to say anything. I don't think he sent that as a means of opening communication, otherwise he would have pounced at the chance when you sent him that nice flowery text. I think he was just expressing displeasure that you have his kids. Charming indeed.

[Jet Lag]

My exes son just explained to me that his Dad had said he and I wanted different things from the relationship, that he sees me like a sister.

 

Um...er...he was ****ing me for 3 and a half years...and physical in other ways for 6 months prior to that.

 

WTF?

 

OMG...broken again!

[Chin Up]

..........

 

 

O.M.G.

 

That's brutal!!! It's one thing to end things, but to devalue the person and minimize the relationship like that? That's horrible!

 

I hope you're finally starting to see what an a-hole this guy is and get to the anger stage. Talking about you like you were just "some chick". TSK!

[Jet Lag]

..........

 

 

O.M.G.

 

That's brutal!!! It's one thing to end things, but to devalue the person and minimize the relationship like that? That's horrible!

 

I hope you're finally starting to see what an a-hole this guy is and get to the anger stage. Talking about you like you were just "some chick". TSK!

 

Still pretty much sadness rather than anger unfortunately. Desperate sadness.

 

Maybe I need to deliberately think bad things about him. I guess I don't want to see him other than how I do but for my healing it is probably necessary.

 

Wish you had private message privileges Chin Up. Figure a daily dose of your reality would be great for me.

[evanescentworld]

I hate to be Captain Obvious here, but if you hadn't been foolish enough to wreck No Contact, this thread wouldn't even exist, and you wouldn't be going through the mill...

 

NC has rules, and it has rules for a reason.

 

Oh sure, loads of people say "Well, rules are there to be broken" but then again, so is your heart. So while that may ring true for some rules, these ones definitely need keeping...

 

Kinda silly, breaking rules, isn't it?

Now you're nursing all kinds of pain.

[Chin Up]

I think some people need to feel that cold hard slap of what breaking NC means.

Some need a few more slaps that others haha.

 

What makes it even more difficult is when they're being nice when you do have contact. Feels like you're just catching up or having a little chitchat. I think it's when they turn around and tell you something lousy, or decide to start ignoring you out of the blue, that's when the real "fun" begins.

 

In my case, when i got ignored, it ended up hurting like a mofo and I felt so embarrassed by it. Lesson learned! Won't be doing that again lol, and I'd look like a desperate loser if I sent anything after that. Happy to report that it doesn't bother me that I sent it now.

 

Now I feel like.."Ignoring me? lol ok, FU2. Have a good one."

 

Wish you had private message privileges Chin Up

 

Yeah what's the deal with that? How long does it take before I can pm?

[Jet Lag]

I guess everyone is going to veto this idea but background I was with my ex for 3 1/2 to 4 years depending upon what you consider the start of a relationship in a hidden relationship.

 

This is a relationship where I was told I was his soul mate. Where he explained to me his orgasms were so intensive with me became of the feelings.

 

When he came back from overseas he would try to catch up with me as soon as he arrived and told me he always missed me when he wasn't with me.

 

Now it is my understanding he is telling people who have realised our friendship ended that I fell in love with him and he doesn't see me the same way, like I'm a silly little girl with a crush on him.

 

He was the love of my life and I'm still protecting his reputation.

 

I won't to send him an email saying. ..

 

"For someone who worries so much how they are perceived, I would have considered it reasonable that when portraying what happened between us you could have been more fair to me.

 

I don't understand that you did that to me. I thought you were my best friend, that you had my back but you just threw me under the bus."

 

What do you think?

[Light Breeze]

I'll say no.. I can understand the hurt of what he did.. but, in my opinion by sending that email you would be hurting yourself more and would give him the idea that he has still the power to hurt you or that you care. I know its hard but I'm betting he wouldn't reply to that or if he does it would just turn into an argument. Both scenarios would set you back..

[Jet Lag]

I'll say no.. I can understand the hurt of what he did.. but, in my opinion by sending that email you would be hurting yourself more and would give him the idea that he has still the power to hurt you or that you care. I know its hard but I'm betting he wouldn't reply to that or if he does it would just turn into an argument. Both scenarios would set you back..

 

Scary thing is, even an argument at the moment feels like it would be somewhat positive..because it would show he still has some feelings rather than the coldness I am currently getting.

 

I know, I know...not what I should be striving for.

 

This is so so hard.

[Light Breeze]

I can totally understand how you feel. I am too, raw with pain of being told that I wasn't loved anymore. Like you, She became ice cold very fast. And like you, even though I know this was one is over still wants to be told that I am loved. However, like me, probably it won't happen. So I guess all we could really do is try to heal and to be able to do that, we should go No Contact. It's hard, I totally know, but it must be done. I hope you keep on being strong and stay the course. Good luck sister.

[blackcat777]

In the long run, it is absolutely better that you are free of someone like this, although I know that bit of information does nothing to help the pain you're feeling now.

 

Write it all out in a letter, every detail, everything you want to say... and then burn it.

 

It took me about three months to realize my ex never loved me and said whatever he thought he had to say to get what he wanted from me. Soulmate was one of those words. It's terrible.

 

Ultimately, for your own good, you can derive a lot of strength from exercising NC. Keep it for your dignity. You're worth more than an argument with someone who would throw you under the bus.

 

I'm sorry you're experiencing this.

[Arieswoman]

Jet Lag,

I am sorry you are hurting over this, and no, it isn't fair.

 

Don't contact him and feed his bloated ego. Maintain a dignified silence and try and move forward.

 

It will get better in time.

 

Good luck. x

[ballycastle]

Jet Lag,

I am sorry you are hurting over this, and no, it isn't fair.

 

Don't contact him and feed his bloated ego. Maintain a dignified silence and try and move forward.

 

It will get better in time.

 

Good luck. x

 

 

Arieswoman - how long??

 

 

People assume it gets better????? I don't quite understand how you would know this...if we did we wouldn't have got with those who broke us as we would have predicted the outcome.

[evanescentworld]

.....People assume it gets better?????

It's not an assumption...

 

I don't quite understand how you would know this...if we did we wouldn't have got with those who broke us as we would have predicted the outcome.

Your healing and moving on isn't up to others, it's up to you.

If you insist on clinging to past behaviours, words, actions and experiences, then moving on is going to be a whole lot harder for you, isn't it?

Your progress is up to you.

If you take 'forever' then that's your responsibility, nobody else's....

[ballycastle]

It's not an assumption...

 

 

Your healing and moving on isn't up to others, it's up to you.

If you insist on clinging to past behaviours, words, actions and experiences, then moving on is going to be a whole lot harder for you, isn't it?

Your progress is up to you.

If you take 'forever' then that's your responsibility, nobody else's....

 

Well then yes, it might take forever. I sense a slight condescending tone with your reply.

 

 

People hurt, I am hurt. I am not clinging onto past behaviours, words and experiences I am reeling from them. I am human. But I do wonder when people say it WILL get better like they know it WILL. All I am asking is 'How do you know?' that was all.

 

 

I have had a bellyful of heartache the last few years. I am tired, weary and heartbroken. I thought these boards were meant to be one of understanding and support NOT blame and judgement.

[evanescentworld]

No condescension intended (the written medium* can be 'cold' without the benefit of 'body language' expression and empathy....)

 

But sadly, it also hurts perhaps, because it's true.

I KNOW people 'hurt'. I've 'hurt' myself, but I am old enough and experienced enough - and please forgive me if I sound 'Holier-than-thou', I promise it's not my intention - but my study and following of my specific chosen calling has done much to help me re-evaluate the things in life which one should adhere to, and those best left by the wayside, and not with bitterness, regret or resentment, either....

 

I am in no position to either blame or judge anyone or anything.

That's certainly NOT what I was doing.

Where am I incorrect in my statement? I don't believe I am. (If it came across harshly, the above reason* is cause....)

 

But a person's actions are those which affect the person first and foremost - and if one perpetuates a feeling of sadness and despair, then sometimes, it's all a person knows.

It's a question of being determined to change the mind-set - often from Victim to Victor.

When a person decides they are weary of the former, then the latter has room to move in....

 

Edited to add: I should have pointed out in my original post that the term 'you' was intended generically, not specifically....

Edited December 7, 2014 by evanescentworld
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