Broke no contact after two months (Updated, still coping)

[Chin Up]

Keep telling yourself you don't care what the outcome is if you send it. You know otherwise lol. You didn't like it the last time he ignored you. You DEFINITELY won't like it when you let him know he hit a nerve and then emotionally vomit on all over him. He doesn't care what you have to say. The more you contact him, the more he feels good about the b/u. Every text you send is another nail in the coffin. Don't let him mop the floor with your pride and dignity. Ignore his ass!

[Jet Lag]

My ex was in my driveway when I got home. Nothing exciting, not begging me back just picking up his son.

 

I said to him, "Are you still not friends with me?"

 

His reply, "Not "not friends."

 

His body language certainly didn't agree so I said, "Whatever" and walked off.

 

I know perfectly well I am not in a state to be friends with him but I miss him so much.

 

Sometimes I wonder if I could just be friends and not have a relationship.

 

I seriously miss him so so much...and it has been months.

 

I want to email him or ring him badly at the moment.

[Trimmer]

Could you give a brief summary for context? Did he dump you? Were you married? How long were you together, and what was the situation around the breakup? Why is his son still with you to be picked up? Stuff like that...

[Jet Lag]

Could you give a brief summary for context? Did he dump you? Were you married? How long were you together, and what was the situation around the breakup? Why is his son still with you to be picked up? Stuff like that...

 

He was my best friend and I was his confidante about his relationship where he was treated very disrespectfully.

 

He would visit four time a week and at some stage it became physical, about 4 and a half years ago. I was the "other woman."

 

He told me all the things that I felt...that we were soul mates...that things in the relationship were so intense because of the intensity of the feelings...

 

That the intimacy with me was more than he had ever had...the mental closeness.

 

I figured we would end up together forever.

 

The other woman left, moved in with another guy.

 

He told me he needed to see other people for his self esteem (He had often said how good I was for his self esteem).

 

I said I needed no contact with him for a while.

 

He is now really really cold to me.

 

I just want to be with him. I have never loved anyone as I loved him...so unconditionally, saw only the good in him.

 

He said I deserve better. That he wasn't as good as I believed him to be.

 

He also said he would never feel safe that I wouldn't leave when things went bad because a few times throughout our relationship I told him things couldn't continue because it was wrong for all of us...yet I never lasted more than a couple of weeks.

 

I still regularly mind his son for their Mum. Unfortunately, it seems a lot of times they are due to go back to him after I have had them so we need some sort of contact. He never asks me to mind them and, in fact, the kids say he doesn't let them come here when they are with him.

[Itspointless]

Arieswoman - how long??

 

 

People assume it gets better????? I don't quite understand how you would know this...if we did we wouldn't have got with those who broke us as we would have predicted the outcome.

Because some people here have been through the process before and have recovered. Believe it or not, this disorganized state also is part of living. We never know how long it takes, we just know it will be better at some moment in time. How long differs per person, sometimes it takes months other times it takes years. It takes as long as it takes.

[Jet Lag]

I am lying here crying, missing him so much, wanting to be with him and his family for Christmas so much...a present for him unwrapped in my drawer and I got to thinking. ..

 

In four years, he only once gave me a present and then one of little thought...a massage and a bottle of wine (I don't drink wine). That present came as I had withdrawn from the relationship.

 

Oh, one other, a duty free bottle of spirits...but even then he had looked amongst his purchases for my drink and couldn't find it so gave me another.

 

He said one year he had arranged to have the morning of my birthday off but something came up.

 

Each birthday and Christmas for him I put a lot of thought into his gifts.

 

Why did I let myself be satisfied with so little...and why do I still love him and want to be with him so much?

 

He is up the country with his family and, I can't stop thinking if he is there with a new girlfriend.

 

I am unsure if this is getting any easier.

 

Help!

[Essex]

Ok so this may or may not help.

I'm the guy. Well not the actual guy.

 

I'm with my family. My heart is breaking because I'm not with my girlfriend.

We broke up 4 weeks ago. Mainly because she deserves a better life. Ok I was generous.

Just because you're not in contact it doesn't mean the love has gone or was never there.

Some things just have to happen.

Cherish the past and look to the future.

Big hugs.

 

By the way I'm in a mess so I know how you are feeling.

[Jet Lag]

Ok so this may or may not help.

I'm the guy. Well not the actual guy.

 

I'm with my family. My heart is breaking because I'm not with my girlfriend.

We broke up 4 weeks ago. Mainly because she deserves a better life. Ok I was generous.

Just because you're not in contact it doesn't mean the love has gone or was never there.

Some things just have to happen.

Cherish the past and look to the future.

Big hugs.

 

By the way I'm in a mess so I know how you are feeling.

 

Thanks Essex. Sorry that you are feeling bad.

 

That does help.

 

What do you mean, she deserves a better life?

Edited December 25, 2014 by Jet Lag

[Essex]

im glad it helped.

I'm in an unhappy marriage which I stayed in because I adore my children and sacrifice everything for their happiness. I'm also over 20 years older than her.

She has everything ahead of her that I have already had.

In the last two years I've got her off cocaine, antidepressants, helped her start a business and financially supported her.

She is also 4 stone lighter and looks amazing.

 

Her life will now be awesome.

 

If you love someone let them go, especially if they ask for it.

[Jet Lag]

im glad it helped.

I'm in an unhappy marriage which I stayed in because I adore my children and sacrifice everything for their happiness. I'm also over 20 years older than her.

She has everything ahead of her that I have already had.

In the last two years I've got her off cocaine, antidepressants, helped her start a business and financially supported her.

She is also 4 stone lighter and looks amazing.

 

Her life will now be awesome.

 

If you love someone let them go, especially if they ask for it.

 

Trying so hard to let him go...and I pretty much have, in that I am not contacting him...but I'm struggling to let go of him from my mind, from my future dreams.

[Essex]

as I reply to your posts she is still texting me. We are both breaking NC.

All the advice says stop.

I'm trying to be nice though.

 

The thing is, I'm getting my drug now, but I know the withdrawal tmw will be grim. I will be in acute agony. I won't be able to think or function.

There really is no going back.

 

Please please don't open your wound like I have mine. If it helps, project your current pain to me.

[Jet Lag]

as I reply to your posts she is still texting me. We are both breaking NC.

All the advice says stop.

I'm trying to be nice though.

 

The thing is, I'm getting my drug now, but I know the withdrawal tmw will be grim. I will be in acute agony. I won't be able to think or function.

There really is no going back.

 

Please please don't open your wound like I have mine. If it helps, project your current pain to me.

 

It is just so hard. If iz like an addiction.

 

My ex hss become really cold.

 

Whether it is because he thinks that is thd "right" thing...or whether it is because he hss moved on, who knows.

 

He is very unlikely to stay single for any length of time.

[Jet Lag]

How could I have been blindsided? How could I have not seen? I had all the inside information but I thought I was different. I thought I was special.

 

My ex was my very close friend before he became more.

 

I was with him as his kids' Mum, long after I believed they were broken up, would send him texts, copious amounts of texts and he read some to me. I remember saying, "She still thinks you are in a relationship." I get it now.

 

Then when he started a sexual relationship with one of his other best friends which we only found out about because she told someone. I remember speaking with her. She thought she was in a relationship. That was not how he portrayed it.

 

I remember when he started dating his acknowledged "girlfriend" and stopped sleeping with his friend. He told me how he slept in his friend's lounge room and she cried in her bedroom all night. She was blindsided. She thought they were in a relationship.

 

How could I have been blindsided the same way. How could I have thought we were in a relationship for years and not realised he wasn't. How did I not read the warning signs.

 

Why did I ignore his previous behaviour? Why did I think it was different with me? Why did I think I was special? So many warning signs.

 

And why, now, when I can see this do I still love him so much? Why can't I let it go? Why do I still cry for him months after the fact when he acknowledged he was dating people before we "broke up"?

 

Why I am still so sad?

[Jewels7]

You can't beat yourself up for not paying attention to the warning signs. We have all been there. You have just learned your lesson and know the next time around. It's still a shock to your system. As for the loving him still... I understand completely. My ex did some pretty bad things and 8 months later I still love him and I still cry sometimes. I wish I had something to say to help for that but I'm in the same boat. Just wanted to say you aren't alone.

[Jet Lag]

You can't beat yourself up for not paying attention to the warning signs. We have all been there. You have just learned your lesson and know the next time around. It's still a shock to your system. As for the loving him still... I understand completely. My ex did some pretty bad things and 8 months later I still love him and I still cry sometimes. I wish I had something to say to help for that but I'm in the same boat. Just wanted to say you aren't alone.

 

Thanks Jewels. Somehow the words of support help..though they make me cry again.

 

I loved/love that man so much. It just scares me now that I think back that he really did appear to just be over the girls when he ended previous relationships. He never seemed to miss them. Just found someone else and moved on.

 

It is the realisation that he is probably the same with me (and all contact would point that way).

 

It was so so so special to me. Things he said made me feel it was the same with him.

 

Blah.

[Jewels7]

Write out a list of everything he did to you that was bad. Read it over and over and over. I still have my list from right after I left my ex (left him because I was scared of him even though I was still in love). 8 months later and I just added extra on to it. I still read it and it helps so much.

 

Also remember this.... If you want to know someone's future behavior, just look at their past. My ex said awful awful things to his ex and about his ex. Some stuff that scared me even. I thought I would be the exception to the rule. I wasn't of course just like everyone told me. I also found out my ex did a lot of similar things to his ex wife that he did to me (and I always believed him when he said she was crazy). The next girl will go through what we are going through. Of course you don't wish this on anyone, but know that the next girl is not getting a prize. You're getting your hurt out of the way now so you can move on and find someone who truly loves you. The next girls that date our exes have no clue about these so called "men"

[Chin Up]

I tried to PM you but it said your inbox settings don't allow you to receive PMs?

 

This is good. I remember when I had my "gosh, my ex bf was kind of a pr*ck.." epiphany haha. Still feels like crap though, cuz you do still care about them so that hurts, but now it also hurts because you're realizing you were in love with an a-hole and it wasn't as lovey-dovey as you thought. I mean, the only present he ever bought you was booze ffs. BOOZE! And not even booze you like! I hope you're reading this and laughing at how stupid that is!

 

 

...BOOZE! Same with my ex. xmas he gave me some booze he had laying around his house. ..."wow. thanks, jerk." rofl. I don't even count that as a gift.

 

It will cycle until you get to the point where you just think he's an a-hole and laugh that you lost so many tears, weight and sleep over him. One thing I look back on that I can see hindered my ability to get over him, was that I didn't WANT to get over him. I worried I'd get over him and he'd come back and I wouldn't want him anymore..and at the time, that scared and upset me because I did want him back.

 

I got tired of it. Feeling like crap on every level. So I made a made a decision to get over him and I feel great! I don't give a fat rats a*s anymore. You have to hit that point where you get fed up of how you're feeling and annoyed with all of it and choose to get over him. It doesn't happen over night, but it sure does speed things along.

 

Make that list. I had one too and it grew every day. When I got nostalgic or missing him I'd read it and it would smack some sense into me.

 

*Results may vary

[Trimmer]

I tried to PM you but it said your inbox settings don't allow you to receive PMs?

Your recipient should go into "My Profile/CP", then "Settings & Options | Edit Options", then "Messaging and Notification | Private Messaging | Enable Private Messaging."

 

Private messaging is not turned on by default when you join LS. You have to wait for a few months and have something like 50-100 posts before it becomes available, and then you have to go manually turn it on for yourself, as described above.

[Chin Up]

That's why it's weird, we've been pming eachother for a bit. I was actually trying to reply to a pm she had sent earlier, but it said her pm features were now set to not receiving them. Not sure if she accidentally clicked something to do that, or if her inbox is full (idk if theres a limit?). No biggie, I replied here.

[IfiKnewThen]

bottom line. i think you were with a narcissist. and if so.. once you REALLY get that... everything about them and how much you love them will make sense. but not take the pain away. ( but you realize why this is such a frustrating situation and even why u love and want them so much...its like you have to overcome...what they will never seem to overcome. their madness and cluelessness)

 

we think we are special but we are their narcissistic supply to fill their love, their needs, their time, their ego. it's all about them! im not even being sarcastic when i say this. yeah they can love you and love hard and emotionally. wow thats sexy isnt it? but in the end..its all about them.

 

they have no empathy. they only look like they do in they beginning. but the truth comes out when youre with them over time. hes

probably masculine....charismatic.

 

please do yourself a favor and seriously read up on this possibility. they are a challenge...we think we are special. they did treat us that way...maybe came back b4 to us after fights. but then they manage to punish u somehow. and we become addicted. no doubt..because we really have been fighting for them from day one. its a habit they know how to create, it seems. anyway its just my take on things. just some sites...

 

and i dont know about you..but i fell into the role...of being more passive...etc. im still working on my problem. but i think i recognize this stuff below from dating someone like this once.. how about you?

Edited January 7, 2015 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
removed external links

[Trimmer]

That's why it's weird, we've been pming eachother for a bit. I was actually trying to reply to a pm she had sent earlier, but it said her pm features were now set to not receiving them. Not sure if she accidentally clicked something to do that, or if her inbox is full (idk if theres a limit?). No biggie, I replied here.

Yeah, there is a limit... Also, I think it's different between subscribers and just "free" members (another advantage of being a supporting member...) It says, right at the top of the main PM page, something like:

 

Inbox contains XX messages.

You have YY messages stored, of a total ZZ allowed.

 

Maybe some housecleaning is in order...

[IfiKnewThen]

ps. please check out your own links on narcissist and see if u identify that behavior with his.

[Jet Lag]

I think it is the first time I've thought thst...

 

I am in so much pain.

 

How am I sliding backwards? I haven't had contact or anything. It has been months.

 

That wasn't meant to sound suicidal. I don't exactly know how it is meant to sound just how I feel at the moment.

[Lemonsandpears]

I know how you feel. I feel like i'm at an all time low. I don't even have anyone to really talk to about it, dont have many friends and my family are sick of hearing about it. All I want is to talk to him. keep having delusions that we're still together and it scares me sometimes - i can't figure out what's reality anymore.

[RDawg]

You have to give it time. Lots of time. Go through the pain, there is no other way. Sorry. But when you get to the other side, and you will because we all do, it is flippin glorious. Trust me.