Ladyjane14 i would appreciate your time and your thoughts

[Poppy]

I hope you dont mind my searching you out. I tried to send you a private message but i couldn't!! Mine is a very complicated story with quite a few twists and turns and i've read some of your replies and you seem so wise i would greatly appreciate your thoughts on my own current situation. If you have the time and can help someone you won't ever meet but who is reaching out for some help then i would be so pleased to hear back from you. With many thank yous for reading this. Love from Poppy

[whichwayisup]

Poppy, I just went and read your previous posts...I think you need to post more to get PM enabled. I'm not sure how many posts one has to do to have access to PM's.

 

I'm sorry for all that you've been through. I hope you are doing better and that the therapy has helped you.

 

I suffer from panic and anxiety attacks - Been doing CBT (Cognitive Behaviour Therapy) for a year or so now. Has helped me alot. I can sympathize all that you have felt during those awful times as I know what PA does to the mind, body and soul.

 

I only wish I had come forward to more family and friends when I first realized I had a problem...Now most know, but back then afew years ago - I could have used as much support as possible...I guess I felt like they wouldn't care or would treat me differently. There is SO much stigma attached to depression, panic and anxiety disorders! It's crazy because SO MANY people are suffering from it and so scared to talk of it!!

 

You are strong, and everything you've been through has made you even stronger!

[Poppy]

That was so nice of you to reply to my message to Ladyjane. I see that youve read my previous posts, so you know what ive been going through and thank you for saying i'm strong. My strength eludes me some days, as i struggle to keep going and find hope through it all.

 

Yes you are so so right about the stigma which is attached to any kind of mental illness. I've suffered with depression to a certain degree (brought on by memories of my past sexual abuse) and the panic attacks i get through my ocd are enough to destroy all your confidence in yourself in one fell swoop. I've read a book entitled 'Feel the Frear and Do It Anyway' by Susanne Jeffers which has helped me a lot, as well as attending a 10 week Assertiveness Course.

 

I havn't read your posts but whatever has brought you here, then i hope you are finding help through the people who visit here and are good enough to answer your posts. I will get a better idea about you when i finish my reply to you (a little back to front i know but i wanted to get my reply written).

 

Thank you again for coming over and wishing me well. I can only tell you, that somehow i keep going. I have to, for the sake of my family who all love me and were so afraid for me when i suffered my nervous breakdown. The ocd therapy is hard, sooooooooo soooooooo hard but then living with it was hard too and i know which one i would rather be living with - and that is surviving it and not being controlled by it. Living without my husband in my life is the toughie, thats the one that really hurts...........

 

I wish you luck in all you do. Take care from Poppy

[Ladyjane14]

Not sure that I can add much to the terrific advice that you had on your previous thread.

I think Devildog had wonderful insight on how your husband might have felt very inadaquate over the years, while watching you face so many obstacles that he really couldn't help you overcome. He must have felt quite helpless. And he'll be feeling hesitant to put himself back in that position, and understandably so.

 

I agree also that the best thing you can do now is to continue to work through your issues in counseling. Make sure, however, that your counselors are reputable. The one who told you that it would be okay to look up your old boyfriend did you a huge disservice...at least in my opinion.

 

Continue to make yourself an attractive alternative to OW. Your mission, of course, is to put her out of business. Currently, your husband is probably having some of his emotional needs filled by you, and some of them filled by her. So, you'll want to fill in as many of your husband's EN's as you can.

 

Most wives wouldn't need to compete with an OW, and really shouldn't. But for all intents and purposes, you and your husband may as well already be divorced. You're already living separate lives.

 

Also, you have ZERO guarantee of getting him back. Think carefully Poppy. You are already in a very vulnerable period in your healing process. Are you healthy enough to handle the rejection and bullsh*t of competing with an OW?

[moimeme]

The one who told you that it would be okay to look up your old boyfriend did you a huge disservice...at least in my opinion

 

Again, it never was the counsellor who suggested this. It was her husband. And she did it, thinking that he actually meant it.

 

Poppy, you did serious damage to your husband's love for you. It is not a good idea to think he'll get over it easily, if at all. Sometimes we only know what we should know because we've made horrible mistakes and this is a case of that, IMHO. You need to focus on the future and understand that the genie likely cannot be put back into the bottle and therefore you have to learn how to manage on your own.

[Poppy]

Thank you Ladyjane for your reply. I was hoping for some insight into my situation and i quite agree that the only thing i can do at the moment is to concentrate on getting myself better and making myself the attractive alternative to the o/w.

 

I realise how much i hurt my husband two years ago when i left him but his memory is very selective through his anger at the situation we are all currently in. He forgets that i first asked him to go and stay with his mother because i was in such a state and trying not to show him the amount of my depression. My self esteem was very low indeed at the time and i was scared of his rejection. He refused to go and stay with his mother and we then spoke of renting, converting our house and lots of various ways of giving me some space while i sorted my head out. My husband has always been the most terrificly supporting man and i tried very hard not to let my past into the present. We had the most wonderful marriage and he loved me deeply.

 

We were very much in each others lives when i first moved out. Sleeping in each others homes and cooking for each other, going out together and always together for family functions, dinners etc. The only difference to our married life was that i wasnt always in our marital home. My husband never let me know how much it all hurt him and i was still searching for answers to why i couldnt go back home. My ocd wasn't diagnosed until i had my nervous breakdown which was when he left me last August. Since then it has been very much almost like we are divorced. Yet he tells me he is in no rush to divorce me because he will never marry again and yet he could get a divorce at any time for several reasons. We still see our grandchildren together, take them out on Saturday afternoons and keep in contact and we also share all birthday presents, cards to both his and my family. All our expenses are shared, he keeps my car on the road for me and he still delivers me my mail as a lot of bank stuff and suchlike still go to the marital home. It was never my intention to leave permanently and so i never did get around to changing these details.

 

We had a chat the other night and i told him i wanted some clarification on our situation and he was angry with me and said 'oh so you want a decision right now do you' he is always saying i cant just snap my fingers! He also told me that he knew with me the night he met me that he wanted to be with me for the rest of his life but with the o/w and then he didn't say anything, just shrugged. He knows i know he makes a quick decision and doesnt dither. He told my daughter he wears the trousers in his relationship with the o/w and that he only saw her about 3 days a week and if it had to be just 2 and she didn't like it then he would rather be on his own!! I've been resisting being his friend, although this is what he has said to everyone that he wants to be friends with me for now but at the week-end i told him that i would rather be his friend than to not have him in my life and he said 'exactly, that's what i want and who knows in the future" There are always so many facets to every story and miss one out and it could make a totally different tale. I am making the most of my life without him, trying to become the person i was before 2 years ago, the person he loved so much and i am trying to show him that i am coming back from the depths of despair.

 

Thank you very much for making your comments and if you feel you can add any more then please feel free. What drew me to your name was your comment on the saying 'i love you but i'm not in love with you' which is what my husband said to me. I know he thinks he's entitled to be with the o/w but that he also feels guilty about it by his comment that he feels he's living two lives. Also he said the relationship is different because both families are against them. She is 17 years younger and her parents are not happy because they want her to have children and my husband cant do that for her, he also doesnt want to get married again and he is still married and doing nothing about changing it.

 

Sorry i can rabbit on when i get going. Thanks again for coming over. Take care from Poppy.

[Ladyjane14]

Originally posted by Poppy

I've been resisting being his friend, although this is what he has said to everyone that he wants to be friends with me for now but at the week-end i told him that i would rather be his friend than to not have him in my life and he said 'exactly, that's what i want and who knows in the future"

 

I know alot of people would not agree with going the friendship route, and usually I'm one of them. But I just can't see what it could hurt in your particular situation though. He's seems to be skittish, and you're still somewhat vulnerable after your breakdown.

 

It would seem that opportunities to have positive interactions with him would likely be a good thing. Friendship could give you both an opportunity to move slowly. Maybe even have some pleasant time together without the pressure of making big decisions on the future.

 

Your situation is a complicated one, and it'll require alot of patience on your part to resolve all the issues. The good news is that severe depression, anxiety, and OCD are all responsive to treatment in most cases.

 

But you DO need to be working closely with a qualified therapist. Advice boards are great, but they are no substitute for the specific guidance that you need to overcome these obstacles.

 

[Poppy]

Once again, thank you Ladyjane for your thoughts. Yes mine is a complicated situation and a lot of hurt done to each other. I can honestly tell you that our marriage was absolutely brilliant before the 2 years ago mark which was why my husband was totally in shock when i started to withdraw into myself, eventually telling him i needed some space. I only now see the amount of rejection he suffered and it is what i'm suffering now. He has told our daughter, with any luck this time next xmas things will be back to how they used to be, meaning me and him working together again i presume. He's also said nothing's changed between him and the o/w so the relationship hasnt moved on. They still live in their own homes and only see each other when convenient to both.

 

He also told our daughter things have to go slow between him and me. I know he has some odd views on certain things and one of his opinions is that once one has had an affair things can't get back the same, which to a certain degree i believe also. He told me to go with my man friend if i felt right about it, which although devasted me, i can see from his point of view both a) we'll do as he's always said we must do, deal with the situation as it is now, him in another relationship and me to do the same and b) this would aleviate his feeling that he is in an affair and more that we are both in a break. He has always said with some couples, there would be no way back but with us it's different and we are one of the couples who could and things would slot back into place. It's how i feel too. He never wants to give me hope to my face but he does say more positive things to our daughter about he just needs to sort his head out.

 

If we love deeply and utterly as he did me and i for him then i feel that love can be very hurt, sometimes enough to want to bury it for fear of it hurting you again and this is the stage my husband is in at the moment. Yet his love is still there because hes in no hurry to disengage from me and very insistent that we can still be friends. If we were to break off as friends then it would be so much harder to find a way back because bitterness would definately get in the way. Thank you for listening to my ramblings, i does help to think and write those feelings and be listened to. I am still in counselling and ocd therapy and putting my all into fighting the ocd. I am finding out so much about myself and can see all the mistakes i made when my knowledge about myself was limited. I was so full of resentment and anger, my little black cauldron of negative feelings was boiling over and i reacted by running away. My breakdown has been the best thing that could ever have happened for me as a person because through it, i am finally finding peace with my past and learning to love me for the person that i am. I realise i have to take responsibility for myself and myself alone and that without a love of yourself, then you can't imagine anyone else loving you either. This would ring true in my case and explain why i could never own up to all the negative things about me to my husband for fear of his rejecting me. However, you can only keep all that inside you for so long before it all begins to spill over and erupt!!!

 

Thanks for your time Ladyjane and i wish you all the best. Take care from Poppy