Trying to prevent a funeral after suicide

[Kaiten]

I plan to commit suicide after writing a note and I was wondering, because I really want to stress this, can I write a will that says that I do not want to have a funeral?

 

The reason is because the last thing I want is for people to be at my funeral weeping over me when they hardly appeared to give a damn before. I'd much rather they went on as if it didn't happen.

[MissBee]

Please speak to someone in real life about this.

 

If you care enough about whether or not you'll have a funeral, I suggest you don't bother to kill yourself as you will have zero control about whether or not your family will choose to do this. They may or may not.

 

Call the suicide hotline, they can help you more than we can: 1-800-273-8255

[whichwayisup]

I know you feel alone and think nobody cares, but you're not alone. You reached out here and that's something. Please call that number Miss Bee posted above, and also do talk to someone you know.

[Kaiten]

I will not be talked out of it this time. I want to keep my word to myself that I'd go through with it.

 

But surely there must be some sort of way to write a will?

[d0nnivain]

Please do not kill yourself. Get counseling. Get help. Talk to somebody. If you are worried that somebody will have a funeral for you, there are people who love you & will be devastated that you are gone.

 

I lost a dear friend to suicide & I can't begin to tell you how deeply that effected his friends & family. Saddest part was had he realized that, he never would have killed himself.

 

On another note, when my parents died of natural causes, I drew tremendous comfort from the rituals associated with a funeral. Honestly in all candor, I want to shake you. It's bad enough that you want to check out & cause that much hurt & pain to your friends & family but to then deny them the small comfort of a funeral, is simply the height of selfishness.

 

That said, wills are documents that have legal effect after the funeral; in most states you have to wait 30 days to even probate one. So if you put your selfish wishes about funeral arrangements in a will, 30+ days after your funeral they will know you didn't want one & you sought to hurt them even more. Directives regarding your preferences need to be in a separate document. Check your particular state or country's requirements but usually that directive must be holographic or notarized to be valid.

 

However, you will be dead. The people who love you will be devastated & there won't be anybody to enforce your wishes. Besides testamentary documents are only valid when the drafter (you) is of sound mind. The fact that you are already contemplating taking your own life is proof of your lack of capacity because you are too depressed to think straight. Therefore, there is basis for ignoring your final wishes.

 

Rather than go through all of that, stick around. Get better. Live life. A long, satisfying life is the best revenge for whatever is ailing you. No matter how bad it seems right now it CAN get better.

 

PLEASE do not kill yourself.

[MissBee]

I will not be talked out of it this time. I want to keep my word to myself that I'd go through with it.

 

But surely there must be some sort of way to write a will?

 

Why does it matter? If you're dead you won't know a thing...if you want to know what happens then stay alive but if you're dead you can't find out.

 

None of us can tell you that. Ask a lawyer or call the suicide hotline and ask their opinion.

[d0nnivain]

I read through some of your other posts. You were in the military. They have free programs for veterans to help you overcome whatever is driving you to have suicidal thoughts. You are only 23. You have your whole life ahead of you! Take advantage of the support system you have.

[The Poster]

Please don't give up on yourself. I don't know your pain or what you're going through, but it can get better if you'd just have a little faith.

 

Please get help. If you need someone to talk to, you can talk to me. I will help any way that I can. You can get through this.

[whichwayisup]

I will not be talked out of it this time. I want to keep my word to myself that I'd go through with it.

 

But surely there must be some sort of way to write a will?

 

May I ask why? Please talk to us.

 

 

There are other options. You feel alone and feel excluded, feel like no one in your life cares but if they knew how you were feeling right now, I'd bet my life on it that they'd come running, to help support you. To get you to counseling.

[Divasu]

People will be devastated if you do. How has coping become so hard that you want to end your precious life? You want the pain to stop, yes. Your life is valuable and so are those around you.

 

The way you're feeling can change, see? Try to hold off for anther day, confide in someone you trust, or, even a stranger in real life. All you have to do is reach out your hand.

[Rejected Rosebud]

Everybody here really seriously cares and wants you to take care of yourself so you won't want to harm yourself, and I'm sure there are people in your real life that feel like this as well. Please!

[eye of the storm]

Kaiten, please don't.

 

What you are going thru is temporary. I don't care what it is, it is temporary. It will end and you will realize how glad you are that you held on.

 

Remember how sucky boot camp was. "embrace the suck" they said. It was temporary. You graduated. You did something most people can't or won't do.

 

I like to say I would never do that. I have said it. But the scars I carry tell another story. Now when I feel trapped like I have no options and can't take it any more, I pull up my sleeve and look at them, i run my hand up and down them. And I am reminded that I am still here and as bad as it was then, I am so grateful I missed. I have had so much a better life since then. I am stronger, more compassionate, more able to understand other people's pain. And I can say from experience, it gets better. Way better. Unimaginably better.

 

please cal the hotline. PM me. call somebody. Military onesource, a chaplin, the VA. Hell go up to the gate and tell the gate guard.

 

It doesn't make you weak. Going thru the fires of hell burns away the excess and leaves the best behind if you choose it to.

[SycamoreCircle]

You're not here because you're going to kill yourself. And you're not here because you care whether or not a funeral happens. You're here because you are experiencing problems and you need to talk about them. So, let's talk about them.

[scatterd]

Many people get depressed and feel like killing their self's but doing it is another thing. You obviously feel there is no other way out which is sad. All as I have to say is wait and find someone to talk to. This is a final solution to a temporary problem. I care and other care and we do not know you . I lost my niece not to long ago and never had that chance to talk to her I guess she forgot how much I cared,it kills me. My husband divorcing me and my daughter is doing bad. I feel horrible but I will not commit suicide. It could take a few years to feel better but I know its time. It hurts when you family and friends leave by taken their own life. Keep writing here people will listen and call that hot line. Times are hard but I promise if you wait you will change your mind. Big Hugs and many more at that

[William]

Due to a few reports, here's a public response from moderation:

 

First, thank you to the members who have engaged here in a compassionate and respectful way. It is appreciated.

 

Second, I moved this thread to Coping and it is currently just under the pinned thread regarding suicide prevention resources which the thread starter can avail themselves of if they so choose.

 

Lastly, to clarify any ambiguity on the matter from a site administration standpoint, here's a lengthly discussion thread on such postings:

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/general/loveshack-org-questions-comments/270664-threats-suicide-2014-update

[SoThatHappened]

Suicide is the biggest pansy-way-out there is. You're basically saying, "OK, world, you won. I'm gonna take my ball and go home and I don't care who I devastate on my way out."

 

This world sucks, man. But not enough to let it beat you and harm/hurt others in the process of quitting.

 

Why are you wanting to or acting like you're giving up anyway?

[Kaiten]

I must admit that it is remarkable to see the caring and heartfelt concern that even strangers can have for one another. You guys are great people.

 

However, I have made a promise to myself to go through with it. I really believe it is the best thing to do. The only reason I haven't yet, is because I found out late last night that if I did, then my military life insurance would go to my beneficiaries.

 

I refuse to let them have it. I'd rather see it go to McDonald's than anyone I know.

 

Once I get my paperwork changed, I can go through it with peace. But I don't think you guys understand quite where I am coming from. I think this (what's happened to me) is humorous, so I will share a bit of my story.

 

 

To say I came from humble beginnings would be an understatement. My mother hated me actually. As a child, I spent many winter nights sleeping on the floor of a storage room with rats.

A broken home is a hard secret to keep, and it usually seeps into other areas of your life. Before I was 18, I had been arrested 4 or 5 times (in and out of school).

 

I dropped out of grade school. The highest grade I completed was 7th.

After obtaining my high school equivalency, I enrolled in community college, but I screwed up there too. But I didn't like it anyway.

 

I drifted through life wondering what to do with mine. I received much discouragement from people. They said a real man "would just go to college, sit still, and graduate, and get a career". And that adulthood was all about "Doing things you didn't want to do."

 

I refused to accept that. I quit my dead end job (as a correctional officer, if you can believe the irony) with no notice and tried to find another way.

 

I struggled with depression for 2 years because I could feel everyone's disapproval of my actions. Besides that, they constantly told me how wrong I was. Of all my friends, I was the only one (with the exception of one other) who chose to forgo college. And it doesn't bother me at all.

 

Fast forward to today (yesterday). I just gave a presentation of my software company before a group of serious entrepreneurs and partners (about 30-40 people). My company was something I built out of thin air. After I presented, everyone came up to me and said I was great and that they loved it (I made a show out of it). I loved seeing the people laugh and smile as I was up there. A bunch of suits gave me all their business cards; so many that I had to reorganize my wallet.

 

So I went from complete and total loser, to founder and CEO of my company. And I just turned 23 earlier this year. I was the first one out of ALL my friends, degree or no, to build something out of thin air.

 

And that's when I discovered something: No one cared.

 

I went back and talked with the same people that discouraged me (our relationship is a lot better now), and while they could spend hours and hours discouraging me from the path, now that I PROVED I was unstoppable you know what he said when I told him the news?

 

He gave me a fist dap. That's it.

 

I told a good friend of mine. Without evening looking away from his laptop screen he said, "That's cool. I'm really glad for you."

 

I also shared the news with a girl, who I was close friends with, and we were supposed to talk after church about it all. That night, she didn't even say anything to me. And she left with all the other people our age to go out to eat - which is was church people do EVERY night. It was like she didn't care at all.

 

No one cared at all.

 

I had "spiritual parents" who didn't care. My biological mother, woudln't care much, but she would ask me for money probably. The rest of my friends I decided not to tell, because one of my good friends thought I was rubbing it in his face.

 

And so I realized that I struggled on, and wound up isolating myself. I feel like a 12 year old boy whose birthday was forgotten. In all honesty, I just wanted someone to say, "Man, I'm proud of you."

And as I just typed that I realized that my mother only said that to me once in my life that I can remember: when I was shipped off to basic training (which I only joined because she kicked me out the day I turned 18).

 

It seems so unfair. That some people can graduate high school; something that millions do effortlessly every year, and get all the praise in the world, and I could turn my entire life around and the people closest to me just dap me on the fist or think I'm rubbing it in their face.

 

That to me, is the saddest existence. I've learned that I can put in a lot of effort, and probably achieve anything I want to, but in the end, it doesn't matter because no one gives a damm.

 

All of my goals, which have kept me alive this year, seem so worthless now. And that is why I no longer want to live.

[The Poster]

I care. Your story inspires me. I'm 28 and absolutely lost and have spent the last 4 years of my life in living hell. I struggle badly with anxiety and it has kept me from finding success and true happiness. Four years of pain, heartbreak, deaths of loved ones, self-destruction, debt and hopelessness. There are times when I feel like dying would be so much easier than this, but I don't want to give up. I want to see it through and see how much better it can get. When I read your story, it gives me HOPE that I can find what I'm looking for with some faith and some trust.

 

Look at everything you've accomplished. You've come from nothing and built something great. You should be proud of YOURSELF for succeeding against all those odds. Now is simply not the time for you to just give in. You should look at this as the BEGINNING of life, not the end of it. People will care, even strangers. People will be proud of you. Strangers will be inspired by your story, like it inspired me.

 

You don't know me at all, but I know what it's like to be close to the edge. I sincerely offer you my hand and my heart if you want someone to talk to. I won't turn you away. I promise. Just don't give up now. You've come so far.

 

Please reach out to me if you want to.

[acrosstheuniverse]

If you write in your suicide note that you explicitly do NOT want a funeral, there's a chance that loved ones may respect that and choose to either not have one, or to have an extremely low-key one with only immediate family and as little expense as possible.

 

I'm not going to try and talk you out of it, because I believe in an individual's right to choose to end their life or not, and personally I think it can be one of the hardest and most terrible decisions to make, I don't see it as a 'pansy' or 'weak' or 'selfish' way out at all. I'm a big believer in self-determination up to, and including matters of life or death. You gotta do what you gotta do, and I know from personal experience (many years volunteering at a suicide line, having friends lose their parents to suicide, and other experiences I can't go into on here) that sometimes life gets too much to bear and you just want out. Many people don't even particularly WANT to be dead. They just need not to be alive and feel the pain anymore.

 

One thing I always wonder in situations like these is do you want to die forever, or do you want to die to escape the pain you're in right now?

 

If you still want to go ahead, it can't hurt to talk it over with somebody impartial before you go, for example in the UK we have a charity called the Samaritans who provide support to anyone experiencing feelings of despair or suicide... they help people all around the globe via e-mail too, you can find their contact details online. It might not be for you but it can't hurt to try, and they're not a charity that'll try and talk you out of ending it, just explore your options with you and support you whatever decision you choose to make in the end.

 

Unfortunately the constant 'please don't do it' from other people usually only serves to make the suicidal person even more determined to do it, as they find themselves arguing against it and coming up with more and more reasons to end it all, some people even feel backed into a corner and like they have no choice but to go through with it because it's too scary to try and come back and make life 'normal' again. This board isn't really the place to talk this through to be honest, you're only going to get people making you feel bad for even considering it and personally I believe if you want to do it, you'll go right ahead and do it however hard people try to convince you otherwise.

 

We can't influence a damn thing either way, so I hope that nobody responding is getting too upset or worried about all of this, it's nobody's choice but yours. But I do feel that to even come here, and ask this, it's a sign that you at least are still open to talking things over with somebody, you could have found this information another way without a public post on a forum like this so I feel that there's a small part of you that is still seeking help, someone to listen, or someone to recognise that you're going through hell and need some support. I wish this was the place to give it to you but I do strongly encourage you to speak to some specialists, especially the ones I mentioned earlier who will support you in whatever you choose to do.

 

I hope that things work out well for you and you make the right decision, whatever that may be for you.

 

Please note whatever I've said here is completely in a personal context and absolutely in no way related to any professional role or agency. I'm just a human being speaking from a personal perspective.

[TiredConfusedHurtSad]

Suicide is the biggest pansy-way-out there is. You're basically saying, "OK, world, you won. I'm gonna take my ball and go home and I don't care who I devastate on my way out."

 

It's ironic, but it's precisely this attitude of personalizing impersonal developments in life that leads many to consider suicide. If one could just not feel so under attack all the time! If one could only just not take apparent setbacks personally!

 

This world sucks, man. But not enough to let it beat you and harm/hurt others in the process of quitting.

 

Why are you wanting to or acting like you're giving up anyway?

 

The question one constantly faces as human beings is "why?" Why bother?

 

We self-medicate and numb ourselves to prevent the question from arising, but the question is a necessary consequence of squarely facing reality. (And no, achieving goals [in a spirit of acquisition, adding to the small fragile Self/Ego and building it up -- gaining pleasure, IOW] is just more self-medication, however much valued by society.)

[TiredConfusedHurtSad]

And that is why I no longer want to live.

 

Statistically, folks who proclaim suicide don't really mean to kill themselves and are actually asking for help coping with the pain.

 

Perhaps a way out of that pain for you is to investigate why you still actually want to live.

 

My mother killed herself. She just went and did it one day, out of the blue -- and out of the house, away from anyone: she just waded into the ocean waters. What a will!

 

My ex-girlfriend's mother, on the other hand, is a hysteric and a nut-job: she was all her life threatening to kill herself but is still around to this day, threatening to with all the attendant tears and melodramatic proclamations.

[lonewalker]

Hey man. You are only 23.

I am sure they cared. Just probably didnt show it to you the way you want them to.

 

You see, many people wishes to live but couldnt. Those that are having incurable diseases.

 

Rather than waiting for people to care the way you want them to, why not try showing love and care and concern to others?

 

There are so much more in this world waiting for you to discover

 

Look at how much these total strangers in this forum cared.

 

There are still so much the world has to offer. The worse is to die realising actually the people around you cared and that the depression is the one who makes you think otherwise.

[d0nnivain]

Kaitin

 

OK fine your life sucked because your family is the pitts.

 

Don't kill yourself. You have already accomplished so much. Just think of all you can do if you stick around.

 

You want to punish your family? Fine. That's your choice. Rather than kill yourself & deprive them of insurance money & a funeral, live a glorious life. Make more money. Laud it over their heads. Let them be jealous & when they want stuff say no.

 

I'm serious: Living Well is the BEST Revenge! Do that instead.

 

You are only 23. Take some time to fall in love. Have kids of your own & love them to pieces. Nurture good employees. Build your own support system & don't worry about those people who failed you in the past. They are irrelevant. You are meaningful.

[Jackson37]

Hey Man, hope you are reading all of these replies. I usually lurk but just signed in to give you my take. Depression is a disease and it leads people to suicide sometimes. Get some help and I promise you can get out of it with an active effort, counseling and medication. I was where you were when I was 19 and I feel you when you say you need to stay true to your goals because that's exactly what I was telling myself.

 

You may be at the darkest moment of your life but I want you to know that by conquering this depression and suicidal thoughts you will have the courage to conquer anything. This will be your greatest obstacle in life and once it is conquered you will be amazed at what you can achieve since every other problem seems so minuscule in comparison.

 

I dropped out of high school, my parents divorced, my first gf back then broke up with me, lots of bad stuff happening at once. But I picked myself up with the support of people on online forums since I had no one else in real life. I am now on the road to medical school. I have a 6 pack and good muscular build. I meditate daily. I produce music and play guitar. Everything is achievable once you have conquered this.

 

Do these things for yourself!! You don't need people's approval man

 

I just wanted to share my story with you and hope it resonates a positive vibe. I'm trying to give back since it was an online community that helped me. Please message me if you want to talk or hear more about my story.

Edited December 4, 2014 by Jackson37

[stillafool]

Statistically, folks who proclaim suicide don't really mean to kill themselves and are actually asking for help coping with the pain.

 

Perhaps a way out of that pain for you is to investigate why you still actually want to live.

 

My mother killed herself. She just went and did it one day, out of the blue -- and out of the house, away from anyone: she just waded into the ocean waters. What a will!

 

My ex-girlfriend's mother, on the other hand, is a hysteric and a nut-job: she was all her life threatening to kill herself but is still around to this day, threatening to with all the attendant tears and melodramatic proclamations.

 

Interesting you mention this as my brother commited suicide. He went above and beyond to make sure no one knew that he had a plan to end his life. It is rare that someone who is planning to end their life tells anyone about their plan. I think when they do they are reaching out for help.