Trying to prevent a funeral after suicide

[Kaiten]

I also agree that when a person is serious about suicide (or any goal, for that matter) they with go out and do it (or at least try) before ever telling anyone.

 

For me, it seriously bothers me that people who I hardly ever talked to might be making all this melodrama at some funeral someone has for me. I also would hate for half a million dollars to go to a clergyman (my beneficiary) because churches, for the most part, put in overtime to ensure things I do not stand for. Things such as fear of the unknown, conformity, groupthink, over-cautiousness, and deferring major life decisions to people who merely claim to be wise. That is something I cannot let happen - or else other people like me that they run into would think they have nothing to offer the world, like I was once convinced.

 

I knew I would be accused of bluffing. And it is irrelevant to me. But, what I can do for you guys, is right before I do it, I will link you to my profile on facebook. You will have my name and where I am from. And you will know that I followed through. This is a promise that I made to myself. It's just time. I haven't told anyone in real life yet. There is a reason I asked the original question on a forum where I could remain pretty anonymous.

[Kaiten]

I agree that living well is damn good revenge. However, I already am aware of my ability. I know that I can prove people wrong when they say I can't do what I set out to do. What hurts me the most is that it seems I will go on forever just doing great things and no one will care.

 

It's petty, I know.

[lil hoodlum]

Kaiten

 

 

I understand how you feel about like no one in your life cares about you. I also struggle with depression and on occasion have thought about suicide because as others have mentioned, not really wanting to die but to end pain or torment that you are feeling.

 

Thank you for sharing your story.

 

You really are an inspiration and your story can inspire so many more people and give them hope for their own lives, many of whom like you, faced a difficult and painful childhood. But through your own determination and will overcame so many obstacles and now you have achieved success the likes that most people will never experience.

 

I wish that you would re-consider about taking your own life. Why not take some of your success and use it to help others like yourself who have had a difficult childhood/life. There are so many people that you can help. Your help would have a positive impact on so many lives. Your help would be a Godsend for those you are desperately looking for some help for their own lives.

 

I am really sorry that your "friends" acted as if they could really not care about your success. I really don't understand people sometimes. But I know you care and because you do care you are in a position or will soon be in a position to have a direct and positive impact on others lives should you decide to.

[The Poster]

I don't think you really want to die. I think you just want people to seriously care about you and the success you worked so hard for.

 

Do you really think people don't give a damn about you? Sometimes people may not show it, but that doesn't mean they don't care.

 

You are so young and you have so much to offer. You'll meet people who will love to have you in their life.

 

I'm at least happy that you'll have time to seriously think this through. Sleep on it. Really think about it. I promise that you can talk to me about it if you'd like. You have a friend who cares right here.

[Quiet Storm]

My family was dysfunctional. I met my husband and his family is normal and loves me. We made our own family that I love more than anything.

 

Your family you grow up in is only your first family. You are 23, there is much joy ahead but you must be patient. If you stay alive you will come to see that your family's approval is not necessary and that they do what they do because of their own flaws and issues (it has nothing to do with you).

 

Just because you made a promise to yourself doesn't mean you can't change your mind and make a more informed choice.

 

Your life is a long novel and you are on chapter 3. There are chapters ahead filled with joy, adventures, love, experiences. Yes, there will be some heartache and stress mixed in, but the good times will come again. You will learn, mature and evolve. What feels overwhelming now may seem trivial ten years down the line, or you may view it as something that made you stronger and resilient.

 

This is only temporary.

[JDPT]

How would you feel if this excruciating pain you feel deep inside died but not you?

How much more promising could life be?

Be strong and never give up and believe with all your strength that this too shall pass.

Do yourself a favor a just allow yourself to love and live life. It's a choice and it doesn't have to be this way.

Sending love your way and may Gd project you always.

[d0nnivain]

I agree that living well is damn good revenge. However, I already am aware of my ability. I know that I can prove people wrong when they say I can't do what I set out to do. What hurts me the most is that it seems I will go on forever just doing great things and no one will care.

 

It's petty, I know.

 

 

 

It's not petty. It's painful. I'll take that FB link to be your biggest cheerleader as you continue to live & achieve but not to watch your death.

 

 

On some levels I have been where you are. Throughout my teens I often had suicidal thoughts because I was convinced my parents hated me. It wasn't nearly as bad as what you survived, but I'm not as tough as you are. Still it was more then I thought I could handle but I handled it.

 

 

In my late 20s, all that negativity came back & I made a serious attempt. My then BF saved my life. I hated him for that for a while.

 

 

In 2006 an EX who I still cared about as a person killed himself. It still breaks my heart. His son will never be right about what happened & his family copes by raising $$ for Walk Out of the Darkness, a suicide prevention / understanding / survivor support group.

 

 

Since my EX died, even in my darkest moments, I have never taken meaningful steps to hurt myself. I couldn't do that to the survivors.

 

 

Yet, the last three years of my life have been truly dark. My therapist & most other people are in awe of what I have survived in the short term. Again, it's nothing like the physical stuff you endured but at this point I have lost almost 40 people to death in the last 3 years, not counting my parents & my dog. The last one was Saturday; DH & I had been out with him the week before he died in his sleep. I started counting at around 16 deaths & stopped counting at 32. As dark & awful as the last 3 years have been, I'm starting to see light at the end of the tunnel. If you asked me in the midst of my angst I never could have imagined it would ever get better. But it did.

 

 

PM me . . . SERIOUSLY. Let's talk for real.

 

 

I'll help you come up with positive ways to be "petty" . . . let's make a multi-year plan for you to "ruin" your rotten family. You have to live to do that.

[JDPT]

I'll like to offer you help as well. PM me we are all here for you, we aren't just pretending to care, we actually DO care. You will be amazed at how much we all have in common. Give this a try.

[whichwayisup]

I must admit that it is remarkable to see the caring and heartfelt concern that even strangers can have for one another. You guys are great people.

 

However, I have made a promise to myself to go through with it. I really believe it is the best thing to do. The only reason I haven't yet, is because I found out late last night that if I did, then my military life insurance would go to my beneficiaries.

 

I refuse to let them have it. I'd rather see it go to McDonald's than anyone I know.

 

Once I get my paperwork changed, I can go through it with peace. But I don't think you guys understand quite where I am coming from. I think this (what's happened to me) is humorous, so I will share a bit of my story.

 

 

To say I came from humble beginnings would be an understatement. My mother hated me actually. As a child, I spent many winter nights sleeping on the floor of a storage room with rats.

A broken home is a hard secret to keep, and it usually seeps into other areas of your life. Before I was 18, I had been arrested 4 or 5 times (in and out of school).

 

I dropped out of grade school. The highest grade I completed was 7th.

After obtaining my high school equivalency, I enrolled in community college, but I screwed up there too. But I didn't like it anyway.

 

I drifted through life wondering what to do with mine. I received much discouragement from people. They said a real man "would just go to college, sit still, and graduate, and get a career". And that adulthood was all about "Doing things you didn't want to do."

 

I refused to accept that. I quit my dead end job (as a correctional officer, if you can believe the irony) with no notice and tried to find another way.

 

I struggled with depression for 2 years because I could feel everyone's disapproval of my actions. Besides that, they constantly told me how wrong I was. Of all my friends, I was the only one (with the exception of one other) who chose to forgo college. And it doesn't bother me at all.

 

Fast forward to today (yesterday). I just gave a presentation of my software company before a group of serious entrepreneurs and partners (about 30-40 people). My company was something I built out of thin air. After I presented, everyone came up to me and said I was great and that they loved it (I made a show out of it). I loved seeing the people laugh and smile as I was up there. A bunch of suits gave me all their business cards; so many that I had to reorganize my wallet.

 

So I went from complete and total loser, to founder and CEO of my company. And I just turned 23 earlier this year. I was the first one out of ALL my friends, degree or no, to build something out of thin air.

 

And that's when I discovered something: No one cared.

 

I went back and talked with the same people that discouraged me (our relationship is a lot better now), and while they could spend hours and hours discouraging me from the path, now that I PROVED I was unstoppable you know what he said when I told him the news?

 

He gave me a fist dap. That's it.

 

I told a good friend of mine. Without evening looking away from his laptop screen he said, "That's cool. I'm really glad for you."

 

I also shared the news with a girl, who I was close friends with, and we were supposed to talk after church about it all. That night, she didn't even say anything to me. And she left with all the other people our age to go out to eat - which is was church people do EVERY night. It was like she didn't care at all.

 

No one cared at all.

 

I had "spiritual parents" who didn't care. My biological mother, woudln't care much, but she would ask me for money probably. The rest of my friends I decided not to tell, because one of my good friends thought I was rubbing it in his face.

 

And so I realized that I struggled on, and wound up isolating myself. I feel like a 12 year old boy whose birthday was forgotten. In all honesty, I just wanted someone to say, "Man, I'm proud of you."

And as I just typed that I realized that my mother only said that to me once in my life that I can remember: when I was shipped off to basic training (which I only joined because she kicked me out the day I turned 18).

 

It seems so unfair. That some people can graduate high school; something that millions do effortlessly every year, and get all the praise in the world, and I could turn my entire life around and the people closest to me just dap me on the fist or think I'm rubbing it in their face.

 

That to me, is the saddest existence. I've learned that I can put in a lot of effort, and probably achieve anything I want to, but in the end, it doesn't matter because no one gives a damm.

 

All of my goals, which have kept me alive this year, seem so worthless now. And that is why I no longer want to live.

 

You've done more than so many and that's something you need to be proud of. I don't know you, but I am so impressed. If you lived in my City, I'd take you to dinner and get to know you better. Anybody who doesn't care, doesn't need to be in your life. It's their loss!

 

You're respected by your co workers, you built that company from scratch. You can make new friends, forget those who you feel aren't being attentive to you.

 

You're so young and have so much living to do!

 

Your past hurts are painful to read and I hope with counseling you can push through it and not let your childhood, your mom, family etc., ruin your life.

 

Don't give up!! BREAK that promise to yourself and make a new one. Work through your depression, do counseling, get on meds, whatever it takes to feel better so you can be happy.

 

Giving you cyber hugs and I hope that you change your mind.

[lil hoodlum]

I have been reading some of your other threads that you have started. Seems like this is something you have been considering for awhile.

 

And it may be true that some of your "friends" are not really good friends to you.

 

 

It seems like a shame that you have success at your fingertips. I think you have every right and deserve to at least enjoy some of this success. Live your life for you and not for your so called "friends".

 

 

Take some of this sucess and change your life far better than it's humble beginnings. Take a nice extended vacation away from your present environment. Do the things that you would really love to do. Your sucess would enable you to do this. Just focus on yourself and do what would bring you some happiness and joy into your life.

[SycamoreCircle]

The whole time I was reading your story of accomplishments and overcoming the odds I was thinking to myself, "wow, he has such a low level of formal education and he writes this well!" Seriously, it seems like a vast percentage of the population can't form sentence.

 

What does this prove? People often look at the things we don't want or expect them to look at. So while the person next to me is thinking this guy made half a mil starting his own software company, I'm thinking this guy can form a sentence!

 

We can't control what people value but we can keep our feelers out for people whose values more closely resemble our own. And we can also try to recognize those values in the most unlikely places.

[dreamingoftigers]

I agree that living well is damn good revenge. However, I already am aware of my ability. I know that I can prove people wrong when they say I can't do what I set out to do. What hurts me the most is that it seems I will go on forever just doing great things and no one will care.

It's petty, I know.

 

Here it is, right at the root.

 

I hear you. Loud and clear. I have no judgment toward you or your pain.

 

I grew up wanting to have the good parts of me and the good efforts I made noticed. They weren't. They still aren't.

 

The people that brought me into this world will never see the light in me.

They will make a big deal of others and hold them up as "examples" or whatever, for a time at least. And yet, emotionally at least, they would serve me scraps.

 

It is challenging to fill that void. And very lonely.

 

However, my life did shift. It had to, or I would have passed away as well. It wasn't from lack of trying.

 

The truth was, someone finally listened to me. And gave me hope that someone would actually care one day, and actually listen, and want to hear what I had to say, someone would share in my goals and accomplishments. And I would not be begging for their approval or responsible for their actions or mood swings.

 

Your mother was broken. On some fundamental, screwed-up level she was broken and when a broken person holds power over a child in their formative years in hurts that child to the core.

 

It can take a long time to recover from. You may not even realize how shattering it is because you are in the thick of it. I was there as well. I don't envy you friend. I am glad to have come through it but you could not pay me to experience it again.

 

Trouble is, when you are shattered and hurting, sometimes you attract a subset of people who are in love with the "shattered and hurting" you. Then when you pull yourself up and become successful, you think that they will love it. Truth be known, that same subset pulls back because they "need to be needed" and when they aren't "needed" they feel rejected. They move on to the next cause or person that "need" them.

 

They didn't see that you needed them more than ever. Needed their encouragement and approval. Or it is possible that it didn't register to them just how important this was for you.

 

Another fun side-effect of having a neglectful parent is that we have trouble articulating our feelings. Perhaps your joy and pain is not as evident to your friends. Perhaps they have no clue as to how to respond to your night because they have no idea how you feel about it. When we are in pain, there is this sort of "instinct" that tells us that everyone around us must know what kind of pain we are in. But often it is not the case.

 

It seems that you are having trouble saying to yourself and them, "this made me feel sad and lonely. I felt abandoned on my great day." And then let yourself know that it is totally a-okay to feel sad, lonely, angry, neglected and even bitter. It is totally okay to feel whatever you want about this. No one can take that away from you.

 

Further troubling is that with a neglectful mother, it is so hard to find how to take care of yourself while you are having these emotions because they are SO overwhelming. No one took care of you emotionally, so you haven't learned it yet.

 

Instead, this mother who brought you into this world and hated you, and abandoned you, showed you that you weren't worth sticking around for no matter what you did.

 

So now, how do you treat yourself? When you need something from you, you say, "No, self, I don't want you, I throw you away. I abandon you. You aren't worth sticking around for. You will never be good enough."

 

We can ALL agree that you didn't deserve to be treated like that as a kid. NOT ONE IOTA> and everyone on this forum will agree that being rejected and neglected as a kid was NOT YOUR FAULT and was NOT BECAUSE SOMETHING WAS WRONG WITH YOU. Everyone on this forum. And I can't think of anything else everyone on this forum would agree on. Someone would even claim that they "didn't have to breathe oxygen like everyone else." That's how difficult some of these people are.

 

You didn't deserve it then, and you don't deserve to be sacrificial fodder to your mother's perception of you now. If you were raised by a healthy mother and had the same day, you would simply think, "Stupid friends, screw that, there are better friends out there." Or "Hey, I wonder if I came across wrong or something. Or maybe they didn't get what the deal was." Something other that this.

 

The feelings aren't "wrong" the wanting to not have to go through feeling all of the resent/anger/pain isn't wrong. The wanting to matter isn't wrong. The wanting acceptance isn't wrong. BUT the idea that everyone should be all accepting/loving/acknowledging or your life and actions must have meant "nothing" is very rigid. It is a very rigid take on the world and life. It also means that you did these things in order to gain acceptance and not for your own benefit. Not for yourself.

 

It sounds like you need to make a big big leap here: you need to do something nice for yourself. Just to make yourself feel appreciated. Not "indulge yourself." By that I mean don't go on a drinking bender "for yourself, to relax" but do something healthy, and heartfelt, FOR YOURSELF. And it is SO HARD to do it for the first time. So very hard. But less hard than making a promise and keeping to it to end your own life.

 

You know what my first "for myself because I want to be nice to myself" action/thing was? I bought myself a nice scented Dove fresh deodorant. I am not kidding. I always used the cheap Dollar Store stuff and my husband would get on my case about needing Selsun Blue shampoo at $11 dollars a bottle too. Well screw that. I use Selsun Blue and the girly deodorant. And I like it. And it was tough to give myself permission to do that.

 

Don't get me wrong, I am a spender, but it was always on unhealthy crap. Stuff that numbs the pain. Not stuff that helps me care for me.

 

I might sound crazy. Who knows? Perhaps I walked off the deep end somewhere in the Hygiene Aisle years ago, but I feel a lot better when I know that the bad days do pass and when I take care of myself, they good becomes more abundant.

 

Money doesn't fill the void. I used to make it hand over fist. It seems like it should fill the void. Neither does career sucess. Seems like it should too. Marriage and kids don't fill it either. But relationships do help when they are good. And kids are lots of fun. Lots.

 

But it's those tiny, tiny things that actually steer the ship. Those small things that don't get noticed. It's realizing how things make you feel and giving yourself permisssion to feel them and express them. It's listening to others without telling yourself that you must change their bad feelings into good ones for them. It's realizing that today was disappointing, so you are going to have a shower, relax, and head to bed early. Knowing that tomorrow is not just another chance to fail, but that it is also a great chance to find something better.

 

And really, you have some $, you could just buy a van and go be a bum. Worked for me for a few years. Lots of freedom in that. I work in Real Estate now. Oh the irony.

 

The overall point is: Life is short enough as it is. Either way you get the dirt nap. Maybe tomorrow, maybe next week maybe in 70 years. It's coming. No need to rush it. No need to decide your life based on one evening of dumb friends. Feel your feelings but don't let them control you buddy. They are information that you need to do something to take care of yourself. They aren't the enemy and the more you try to shut them down with the promise of killing yourself off, the more you are just avoiding it all. And avoidance isn't going to stop your family's funeral or getting your benefits and all of that. Avoidance breeds stronger and stronger feelings that seem more and more to control you. Either way, you have a finite number of days on this planet and you lose nothing by trying to make them a little more pleasant for yourself.

 

By the way, I care because I know it sounds so damn preachy and so damn "easier said than done." I care about what happens to you. I hope you share more on your journey, whatever you decide in conclusion to all of this.

 

If you can't take care of yourself at first or can't think of how right away, that's okay too. I can't remember how long it took to even come up with the girly deodorant to get for myself. I just remember it took awhile. And I am an eight-time scholarship winner! Never felt so slow in my life!

[dreamingoftigers]

I agree that living well is damn good revenge. However, I already am aware of my ability. I know that I can prove people wrong when they say I can't do what I set out to do. What hurts me the most is that it seems I will go on forever just doing great things and no one will care.

 

It's petty, I know.

 

I just noticed: You see where you get to acknowledge how you feel in the underlined,

 

What follows it?

 

You belittle the feeling. No wonder these feelings are so strong now. You keep telling yourself that they are small and the part of you that wants you to listen to yourself is practically shouting.

 

It sounds like you feel hopeless, is that right?

[Ronni_W]

Hey Kaiten.

I'm sorry that you're going through this crisis...I guess it's as much about 'identity' as 'faith' as 'purpose', perhaps? Or maybe those are as if one and the same? In any case, feel free to PM me if that feels like a good idea.

 

What hurts me the most is that it seems I will go on forever just doing great things and no one will care.

That's just NOT true, Kaiten.

The people who will benefit from your unique gifts and talents; the people who will be inspired by you; the people whose lives will be uplifted, improved, made better by the great things that you do and will continue to do...all these people WILL care, and they will care a great deal.

 

The selfish people; the ones with the fallen consciousness - who cannot stand to be in your Light because of their own darkness; the ones who are jealous of your gifts and talents, and will be envious of your every success...only these people will pretend to not care; will give the outer appearance that they do not care. But, in reality, they will be caring a great deal, too...only from a negative, selfish, jealous, dark place.

 

You get to choose which group's opinions and actions matter to you, and which group you are going to serve...the ones who will appreciate you, and are waiting for your Light, or the ones who cannot because they are currently in darkness?

 

If those people at your recent presentation did not care...then why did they bother to give you their business cards? Why did they bother to take the time to express their enthusiasm and respect for you? You've made the choice to entirely discount these people's opinions and positive reactions...yet to give very high value to the opinions of the selfish, negative people who happen to be in your life at this time. Why so?

 

...churches, for the most part, put in overtime to ensure things I do not stand for. Things such as fear of the unknown, conformity, groupthink, over-cautiousness, and deferring major life decisions to people who merely claim to be wise. That is something I cannot let happen - or else other people like me that they run into would think they have nothing to offer the world, like I was once convinced.

At the same time, what YOU are considering will ALSO ensure those same things...that you're saying you do not stand for. You would not even be deferring a major life decision to people who claim to be wise, but to people who you know to be unwise, selfish, negative.

You have made yourself subject to the opinions, actions, words, will and whims of these people...who clearly are not, in their present state of consciousness, worthy of the respect, devotion, loyalty that you are according them.

 

This is a promise that I made to myself.

This "promise that you've made" to yourself goes against what you say you stand for, Kaiten.

For that reason alone, I would ask you to consider that this is a "promise" not for you but against you, and therefore needs consider being broken. You are the only one who has the power, right and authority to stop making yourself subject of things on the outside and external 'dark forces' and, instead, to make more divinely-inspired, inner-driven, empowering decisions for yourself, about yourself and about the kind of life that you are going to live and the person who you will be, who you were born to be.

 

If you follow through, it will not teach anybody anything; it will only mean that the people you are meant to reach and inspire and help will miss out on all of that...will miss out on all of YOU (because you held-up selfish, negative people as being more important than your own purpose for Life itself).

 

Hugs, Kaiten. As I said at the top...feel free to PM me anytime.

[Kaiten]

DreamingofTigers, you were so spot on with a lot of what you said.

 

Having been brought up the way I was, I can't remember where, but somewhere along the timeline of my life I know that I somehow learned this:

 

That other people were better than I was. Or rather, I was less than everyone else.

 

This thought consumed me as a child and directed a lot of my decisions as well as caused me to defer decision-making to any person who claimed to be wise.

 

It wasn't until about 2 years ago, that I caught someone in a powerful position in a lie. I never confronted them about it, but that was when the illusion shattered. I suddenly saw everyone around me as imperfect individuals just like me. It was the single most liberating experience in my life (I say that in hindsight, because I was hella pissed when it first happened).

 

I do mean that when I say I was liberated. I began to make decisions with my own heart and wisdom. I valued all of my experiences in life differently and I became a noticeably more confident individual.

 

Some people loved me for this. And by some I was vilified, strangely enough.

 

Indeed some people do grow used to a "shattered and hurting" you. Because of things my friends have said, I have been reluctant to even tell them when things go well in my life or when I reach a goal.

[Kaiten]

I must say that I am deeply moved by everyone's efforts to reach out. It makes me want to do the same for others. It is not every day (where I live, at least) that people take this kind of time to speak life into even their loved ones.

 

I can't say I have changed my mind, though I do want to take a vacation from my present environment, and check out for a few days. Maybe just that would change my mind.

[The Poster]

I must say that I am deeply moved by everyone's efforts to reach out. It makes me want to do the same for others. It is not every day (where I live, at least) that people take this kind of time to speak life into even their loved ones.

 

I can't say I have changed my mind, though I do want to take a vacation from my present environment, and check out for a few days. Maybe just that would change my mind.

 

I think that's a fabulous idea. Get away for a little while and clear your head.

 

I'm rooting for you, man. You're an inspirational story. Thin about all the good you can do for people in bad places in the future. It will be rewarding to see it all through.

[whichwayisup]

I must say that I am deeply moved by everyone's efforts to reach out. It makes me want to do the same for others. It is not every day (where I live, at least) that people take this kind of time to speak life into even their loved ones.

 

I can't say I have changed my mind, though I do want to take a vacation from my present environment, and check out for a few days. Maybe just that would change my mind.

 

This makes me so happy to read. God, you're so intelligent and driven. You have so much to offer, you have insight and have a good heart. I hope you see this in yourself. We all do. And I mean that sincerely and genuinely.

 

[IfiKnewThen]

im so sad today...so of course i came on loveshack

 

to ppl i can def . relate to who have heartbreak/ache..etc.

 

i dont know u but ((hugs))......please dont die.

 

i know life suxs and is soo damn hard at times. and hard everyday for some. and its a damn struggle. i mean STRUGGLE. but all i keep thinking of is something my beloved mom who passed in 2006...told me years ago when i was your age...

and i was depressed and fed up with life as a whole.

 

she said....in 100 years from now...none of us are going to be here. (really most likely none) probably even most 2 year olds.

 

its inevitable we are going to die, unless we are taken up in the rapture...promised in the bible. so she said people might as well live and see how their life REALLY FULLY PANS OUT. so many things in life can turn on a dime..............even for the better. one thought can change the dynamics of many many things. one day you will have NO choice to die or not. -0- so in a sense, you have nothing to lose with living.

 

you can be hurt...or depressed or lonely or sad.. yes...but if you live it out...you can POSSIBLY find joy. give joy be loved. you have NO idea. kaiten............

 

its easy to say to someone..live ...live...when they dont feel someones pain everyday. but YOU are your ONLY vehicle...to making a real difference for yourself and doing it one day at a time. no one can get into ur body and control you. you have to decide to take control and just do it. and play the whole thing out and do things that make u feel better about ur self and life somehow. now i didnt read everyone's responses here. im tired and drained and sad today.. ; ) BUTTTT

 

if youre on anti-depressants or some medicines...they might NOT be working for u or be a good cocktail. everything thinks med are the answers to everything today and they actually mess a lot of people up...and make things worse. why do u think they have these LONG commercials and warning about prescription meds saying...it can make u more depressed...make u want to kill yourself. give u bad thoughts...swing from the ceiling etc. all medications are NOT for all people and honestly can make people worse. there is no quick fix with meds. ...and lots can have very bad side effects. some are lasting. you might need to clean ur body out if your taking anything. so many doctors are reckless quacks too, who make things worse .

 

also, you are not ur parents...or step mom. it says when i was a babe i thought like a babe in the bible ...and "now im a man". meaning you dont have to think like your past. or the people in it.

 

ok thats enuff from me today.............just free yourself in other ways.... not of your life...but give way and possibility to quality of life..that YOU freaking deserve. just like anyone else does. do u believe in a higher power at all. either way...try praying and ask for strength and possibilities. but it also says faith without works is dead. you have to work on things and then God willing get a blessing a long the way.

 

anyway HUGS HUGSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS

 

embrace something good in this day....even if its a damn good sandwich. and smile because u got to eat it. retrick the brain and the chemicals in your body to learn to appreciate even the smallest of things till it becomes cumulative.

 

also they say a joy shared is a joy doubled and a burden shared is a burden cut in half. i pray all of your burdens are cut in half with all of us here...in your sharing your story. and we share in your joys too as much as we humanly can from afar. even if we all dont know each other here. i think most have empathy. and know some form of deep pain and suffering. so we can be happy for even ur small joys.

 

like yourself and find a way to be happy with yourself and the things u do. u are unique. there will NEVERRRRRRRRR be another u again. find what u were meant to do, and its not all about money. its NOT about money at all. to be happy and well adjusted helps. to be decent and humble.....is everything.

 

everything......................................

 

jesus said the greatest of all commandments is to love one another. and not to be anxious about tomorrow...today has enuff anxiety of its own.

 

hang in there .......... HUGS again

Edited December 6, 2014 by IfiKnewThen

[Divasu]

I must say that I am deeply moved by everyone's efforts to reach out. It makes me want to do the same for others. It is not every day (where I live, at least) that people take this kind of time to speak life into even their loved ones.

 

I can't say I have changed my mind, though I do want to take a vacation from my present environment, and check out for a few days. Maybe just that would change my mind.

 

Bless you Kaiten. It takes great courage to reach out like you've done. A vacation sounds good, sometimes getting out of your environment and the daily grind, is good for the soul.

 

It can seem at times, others don't care. But that's on them, when their unable to understand, that is their struggle. It's not your fault.

 

I hope you will take care of yourself and come to know how your thoughts and feelings matter, and your well being matters, despite what anyone else may or may not say.

 

(Hugs)

[ballycastle]

 

Your mother was broken. On some fundamental, screwed-up level she was broken and when a broken person holds power over a child in their formative years in hurts that child to the core.

 

It can take a long time to recover from. You may not even realize how shattering it is because you are in the thick of it. I was there as well. I don't envy you friend. I am glad to have come through it but you could not pay me to experience it again.

 

Another fun side-effect of having a neglectful parent is that we have trouble articulating our feelings. Perhaps your joy and pain is not as evident to your friends. Perhaps they have no clue as to how to respond to your night because they have no idea how you feel about it. When we are in pain, there is this sort of "instinct" that tells us that everyone around us must know what kind of pain we are in. But often it is not the case.

 

It seems that you are having trouble saying to yourself and them, "this made me feel sad and lonely. I felt abandoned on my great day." And then let yourself know that it is totally a-okay to feel sad, lonely, angry, neglected and even bitter. It is totally okay to feel whatever you want about this. No one can take that away from you.

 

Further troubling is that with a neglectful mother, it is so hard to find how to take care of yourself while you are having these emotions because they are SO overwhelming. No one took care of you emotionally, so you haven't learned it yet.

 

So now, how do you treat yourself? When you need something from you, you say, "No, self, I don't want you, I throw you away. I abandon you. You aren't worth sticking around for. You will never be good enough."

 

You didn't deserve it then, and you don't deserve to be sacrificial fodder to your mother's perception of you now. If you were raised by a healthy mother and had the same day, you would simply think, "Stupid friends, screw that, there are better friends out there." Or "Hey, I wonder if I came across wrong or something. Or maybe they didn't get what the deal was." Something other that this.

 

The feelings aren't "wrong" the wanting to not have to go through feeling all of the resent/anger/pain isn't wrong. The wanting to matter isn't wrong. The wanting acceptance isn't wrong. BUT the idea that everyone should be all accepting/loving/acknowledging or your life and actions must have meant "nothing" is very rigid. It is a very rigid take on the world and life. It also means that you did these things in order to gain acceptance and not for your own benefit. Not for yourself.

 

It sounds like you need to make a big big leap here: you need to do something nice for yourself. Just to make yourself feel appreciated. Not "indulge yourself."

 

 

But it's those tiny, tiny things that actually steer the ship. Those small things that don't get noticed. It's realizing how things make you feel and giving yourself permisssion to feel them and express them. It's listening to others without telling yourself that you must change their bad feelings into good ones for them. It's realizing that today was disappointing, so you are going to have a shower, relax, and head to bed early. Knowing that tomorrow is not just another chance to fail, but that it is also a great chance to find something better.

 

No need to decide your life based on one evening of dumb friends. Feel your feelings but don't let them control you buddy. They are information that you need to do something to take care of yourself. They aren't the enemy and the more you try to shut them down with the promise of killing yourself off, the more you are just avoiding it all. And avoidance isn't going to stop your family's funeral or getting your benefits and all of that. Avoidance breeds stronger and stronger feelings that seem more and more to control you. Either way, you have a finite number of days on this planet and you lose nothing by trying to make them a little more pleasant for yourself.

 

 

DreaminofTigers,

 

your post touched me in a really profound way. I think it's because you said about children of neglectful parents are unable to articulate their thoughts and feelings. You're right, and I think this is why so many of us feel so much pain, because our parents were never there to support us.

 

I for one am a child who was too abandoned and it's like an open wound exposed to the elements every time it is ripped open.

 

I too have had suicidal thoughts and idealisations all my life and it's just wanting so desperately to GET AWAY FROM MYSELF. And true, I have been surrounded by 'friends' who just DON'T get what I am saying. Hence why I have graduated to these sites.

 

And you're right. It's the little things. To the OP, take time away I agree. Those who make me feel worse I now avoid. And as you wrote, I realise ('the law of attraction') I was surrounding myself, partners included, who just mapped the squalid, wretched part of myself that I had protruded, lain down routes for due to my up bringing.

 

It is really really hard to break those chains. But we must to go forward.

 

I am no way out at the other end. Coming on here and seeing others that 'feel' like me is really helpful and I hope it is for the OP. It opens up discussions that those around us in reality don't feel/understand/want to discuss.

 

I love Janelle Monae. She is a philosopher, artist and visionary. Her music/voice has inspired me in dark and light days. She says, 'Even if it makes you feel uncomfortable, I will love who I am.' and more importantly...'To be VICTORIOUS, you must find glory in the little things....like mustard seeds.'

 

What are you little things in your darkest hour? Mine have been music. Always there 24/7

 

Lets love who we are. We have neglected ourselves for too long. Those who have 'wronged'/'hurt' us in some way seem to be ones who find it incredibly easy to 'love themselves'. I realise I have always just wanted to GIVE to people to fill that void inside me, but now the tables have turned. I am GIVING to myself, I am the one who is going to love me and be selfish and not try to make anyone love/accept/like me. It's now all about ME.

 

Hope this makes sense. It's Sat morning where I am from and wanted to get this all down before starting my day. With me. I don't have anything in particular planned as I have spent months feeling sick with viruses/hormone issues but I hope soon you will start to feel better. If not, just come back and post on here.

[TiredConfusedHurtSad]

Interesting you mention this as my brother commited suicide. He went above and beyond to make sure no one knew that he had a plan to end his life. It is rare that someone who is planning to end their life tells anyone about their plan. I think when they do they are reaching out for help.

 

Indeed, folks should know that most people who talk about suicide is usually asking for help, so the challenge is to ascertain what kind of help would do and then to actually provide it.

 

I'm choosing to "challenge" the OP in the hope that he squarely faces what's really eating at him about life.

[eye of the storm]

Kaiten, I sent you another PM, it doesn't look like it went thru. If you didn't get it. Let me know.

 

Im thinking of you and wishing the best thoughts.

 

BTW, I think the vacation idea is amazing. Go somewhere warm and green. Then come back and describe it in technicolor detail for us. (esp for me all I see is brown and its cold)

[Kaiten]

Are you challenging me to see if I am bluffing and will go through with it?

[JDPT]

Hope you are doing well friend.