Trying to prevent a funeral after suicide

[eye of the storm]

Kaiten, nobody is challenging you or daring you. Some people will always say the wrong thing. It sounds right in their head but it comes out different.

 

I cannot count the amount of comments people said to me that devastated me while I was going thru my roughest patches. Looking back, I can see that some were honestly thing to help in their own way. Some were just asses

 

I lost a lot of "friends" during that phase. But the ones I kept and the ones I made were true and actual friends.

 

I had people that I thought were just friendly acquaintances step up and show just how good a friend they were, and people that I thought were my best friends, either ghosted on me or actively tried to hurt me when I was down.

 

I have one friend in the beginning look at me and say, I have no clue what I should do or say, Then she said, there is a sale on your favorite soda at safeway, I picked up a half rack for you. She told me years later she felt like an ass because that was the only thing she could think of, but it showed me she cared. Others...people I loved, people I thought loved me, told me to shake it off and stop moping, that I was being dramatic and trying to get attention.

 

That is the thing, you cannot worry about what others think or say. You have to only focus on you right now. You are what is important. You are the one that cannot let go. Ignore the crap floating in the air. Only focus on what is solid and steady. Each step you take moves you further into a better future. Each breath you take is one that allows your body to heal.

 

You can get thru this. It is temporary. And it will allow you to see who is your true friends and who you need to leave behind. When you leave the fake friends behind it opens you to allow new true friends in.

[NopeNah]

I'm by NO means for this AT ALL!...but...why a note? Just go..NOT killing yourself! BUT...If you dont think these people care for you, or whatever..why not just distance yourself? Sell your company,take your money,or whatever. AND go? I know if I didn't want a funeral... I wouldn't do a note..I'd just vanish. No note. No explanation..nothing. curious..Why a note?

[NopeNah]

Again...by NO means a 'saying you won't do it'! I've had a few family members/friends(my teen daughter attempted) that took that way out.. I'm just asking....and.. I don't think there's ever a reason too.. If you're really just not happy...change your scene.

[mario_C]

I'd like to second going on a vacation. A long one. Enjoy yourself, treat yourself. Leave the fake friends and corporate ********* scum behind and go forth. Hell, you want to die and you have money - do everything you want in life. That's what I'd do (and I've thought about my own suicidal impulses and how I would act on them, so I understand).

Go to those kinds of places Tony Bourdain keeps talking about on TV - Serengeti safari, South America beaches, Pacific islands, San Sebastian. Maybe being in those places and doing all those things will remind you that life is great and dead people are missing out on lots of good stuff. That's what keeps me going.

[IfiKnewThen]

why focus on one comment and make it omni important. its not. (i didnt read all the comments) BUT i know there were lots of supportive ppl here ..who actually do give a damn. look towards them.

 

who cares what others think. dont ever make them that powerful.

 

doing something destructive to yourself will prove absolutely nothing. it will hurt u and hurt others who care.

 

NO ONE is worth that sacrifice. period. save yourself my friend.

[Ronni_W]

I'm choosing to "challenge" the OP in the hope that he squarely faces what's really eating at him about life.

 

Are you challenging me to see if I am bluffing and will go through with it?

Kaiten, no, the "challenge" was clearly spelled out, and it is NOT EVEN REMOTELY connected to what you (mistakenly) thought.

 

This "challenge" is in the way that therapists use it: for you to look within yourself and unravel all the beliefs, perceptions, thoughts, feelings and expectations that you have but that Life Itself seems to be negating at the moment.

 

The problem is that it is difficult to do because one has to step outside of one's own 'mental boxes' to undertake such a self-examination...but one cannot see outside of those boxes when one is so immersed in, and overpowered by, them.

 

It's not that there is anything wrong or faulty or defective with YOU (or me), but there's plenty that is just not accurate in our view of our self, other people and the world in general.

 

I could quote you a number of examples from Jesus' life...but this is not the Spirituality sub-forum, and I have no idea if or not you're interested in hearing about that, anyway. If you want to discuss along these lines, PM me.

 

Regardless, hold tight to your own highest vision of yourself, and trust and be loyal and devote yourself ONLY to that. Serve the people who want to help you uphold your highest version of yourself...and tell ALL OTHERS, "get thee behind me!"

 

Sending much Love and Light to you.

[Kaiten]

You all are really generous and caring people. Your compassion moves me beyond what I can express here. I am confident that if it were anyone other than me, you would have changed their mind. But I cant.

 

Unfortunately, in order to make a come back, there must be something to come back to. That is somethig I dont have. Ive never had it. I was a fool.

 

Tonight, assuming I get my hands on what I need, I will share my facebook page so you can see the end (if you want to). I will also be sharing a suicide note.

 

Thanks again everyone!

[whichwayisup]

My wish - Hope you get to the ER and talk to someone. Admit yourself for assessment, get help so you can feel better. So you can see that there are people in your life who do care, even if they aren't showing it the way they should be. Sometimes people get so wrapped up in their own stuff they neglect those around them. Could this be the case at times with some friends?

 

Tonight, assuming I get my hands on what I need, I will share my facebook page so you can see the end (if you want to). I will also be sharing a suicide note.

 

Don't. If you must, PM people but don't post your facebook link on here publicly.

 

Kaiten, I beg you to reconsider. We all don't want you to do this to yourself. I know you're hurting and suffering, imagine NOT feeling like that and still living life - Here. You can get to know and meet new people, make friends with others that have the same value system as you do. Cut out those who aren't caring..

 

I honestly don't know what else to say except I really hope you don't go through with it and something in you 'wakes' up and makes you wanna fight hard so you can have a happier life. You've just accomplished so much, you're so articulate and well spoken, that's a gift! And it's something to be celebrated, not taken away and buried.

[JDPT]

I beg of you man don't do it. Call someone go to the ER, give yourself the opportunity to have an opportunity.

[aMguilts]

You all are really generous and caring people. Your compassion moves me beyond what I can express here. I am confident that if it were anyone other than me, you would have changed their mind. But I cant.

 

Unfortunately, in order to make a come back, there must be something to come back to. That is somethig I dont have. Ive never had it. I was a fool.

 

Tonight, assuming I get my hands on what I need, I will share my facebook page so you can see the end (if you want to). I will also be sharing a suicide note.

 

Thanks again everyone!

 

so what you need????

you wanna do it

you been talking it for about for 4 days now

oh and you want to share it on faceache¡?!?

book

 

 

you know what?

your hurting.

me too

really hurting

eyes red.i cant much more

but i wont give up

aM

[aMguilts]

nor should you

you know what

i just lost my dad 89 he was

been through a f king lot

so tell me what you need???

 

aM

Edited December 9, 2014 by aMguilts

[eye of the storm]

Kaiten, you can change your mind. You are choosing not to.

 

You are letting all the negative people in your life win. Please don't.

 

You have so much going for you. You are smart, focused, and driven. You have accomplished so much is such a short time. You came from a horrific childhood and didn't let it stop you. You fought and you won.

 

Think of all the kids out there today and in the future who could use someone like you. Someone who could say, I have been there, but I didn't stay there and I didn't let it beat me or define me. Let me show you the way out.

 

Think of all the lives you could change for the better.

 

Because there are kids out there in the same shape you were in who are thinking it doesn't get any better, this is who I am and who I will be forever.

 

You have so much to hang on for. You just can't see that because you are in the middle of the battle. Depression is telling you that this is it. This is all there is. Depressions wants you to kill yourself. Depression lies. Are you seriously going to let an enemy with only one weapon beat you? After all you have done in your life already?!

 

Suicide is the easy answer, it is the weak answer. You are not weak and you haven't taken the easy way ever. You take the right way. Don't stop doing that now. Call a hotline, call an ER, 911, your OIC, anyone call anyone.

 

DO NOT DO THIS

 

(and stop ignoring my PMs)

[JDPT]

I sent a PM a few days ago. All you have to do is reply man. We are here for you, you don't have to go through this pain, there is help out there.

[The Poster]

Kaiten, please don't do this. PM me. Let's talk about it. You don't need to do this right now.

[Kaiten]

So, I was about to end it today. Really, I was. I had it planned out and everything. In fact, you people here were the only ones who knew.

 

I am also a coach for various girl's athletics (gymnastics, tumbling, and cheer). And today, I had to fill in for another coach who was out.

 

There is a little 6 yr old girl who I hadn't seen in about 4 months that reminded me of myself. Right as I was posting that I was going to end it tonight, she had crept in the gym and gave me a hug.

She asked me about where I'd been and introduced me to the new girls who had enrolled. I don't know how it works, but she made me feel so loved. This was a 6 yr old girl.

 

I don't know how, but that really took me out of my head being around her. It wasn't much longer afterward that a travelling social worker/college professor who I happened to have met at a TEDx event contacted me again.

 

He really helped me get to the root causes of my issues and severe suicidal thoughts. Let me sum up how I've been feeling today, which triggered my self-destructive thoughts again. I hope this might help.

 

Since talking here on LS with some of you guys, I've felt a desire to try at it again. But today, when I looked at my startup, I realized how hard this work really was. The main thing that had been driving me before was that I wanted to make people proud of me. That was no longer an option.

 

It was like the lack of approval from others swept in like a mighty wind and extinguished the flame of passion that used to burn in me to where I'd cry from joy sometimes (literally weep, I was that happy). Without my accomplishments, life would stay the same. I had lost what I was fighting for.

 

But then I remembered several Les Brown talks I had heard; how he talks about what happens when you sign up for your dreams, how the unthinkable can happen. He talks about the time his girlfriend dumped him over the phone as people were shouting in the arena "WE WANT THE MOTIVATOR! WE WANT THE MOTIVATOR!"

 

I couldn't help but think about the beginning of when I set out to accomplish this goal. I told myself that this would be the most difficult thing I had ever done in my life. I said "Kaiten, what if this endeavor beats you to your knees?" I smiled at the thought of it back then. And I wondered how. How could I have lost so much fight? I used to be so very willing to fight to the bitter end.

 

But now my spirit was empty. I felt like a walking shell now. Hollow.

 

The suicidal thoughts were still loud in my head at this time. As I was preparing to go home and steal my roommates gun, I had a monologue within:

 

"How is it that I just can't fight anymore? What happened to me?"

"I lost the will to fight. This is it."

"I was fighting for the affirmation of the people I love. I can't have that. What else is there, really, if people you love don't care?"

"It's alright to end it then. You're strong, but some of us just don't have anything to fight for."

 

And then, somehow, I thought this:

 

"But what if the strongest people in the world ... are the people who have no reason to fight? Anyone can fight when they have a reason. But what if the most resilient world-changers ... (I was envisioning Nelson Mandela in prison as I thought this) ... are people who fight on even when they cannot see what there is to fight for? Does it not make sense that the very strongest are those who can stoke up the flame and fight just so they can find a reason to fight?"

 

I'm sorry for scaring anyone. The guy I talked to has counselled many people personally and professionally. So I trust him ( I usually hate the shrink types ). I want to get help to overcome my struggles in my mind and spirit. I plan on meeting with him again this weekend.

 

Thanks, everyone. And I apologize again.

[whichwayisup]

You've made my night and I can go to sleep peacefully knowing that tomorrow you'll be posting again.

 

God bless that little 6 year old girl for giving you a hug and making a difference in your life, and also the travelling social worker/college professor who spoke to you. The littlest things can change one's life and now you see a bit of light at the end of the tunnel.

 

You are strong and will get through this...do baby steps. The right people are there to help you and I believe the desire is there inside of you to live. Just took all of us and some face to face people in your life to make you see it.

[Kaiten]

Also a thanks to everyone who PMed me and posted here. I read all of it. I will respond to PMs as I can, and the posts that I read here did move me quite a bit.

[SoleMate]

Kaiten, there's no hurry. You can defer this decision. You will always have this choice in the future. How about you take a breather and come back to this next week?

[eye of the storm]

Kaiten, I'm thrilled to the tips of my toes that you are turning that laser tuned focus of yours into healing.

 

You affect the lives of more people than you know. Don't give up on them and don't give up on yourself.

 

And don't disappear. We are wanting to hear lots about your journey.

[NopeNah]

Glad you didn't do anything to harm yourself! I will say,though, I just read through your past postings and am still curious why...this now?

[lonewalker]

It actually takes more courage to live.

 

I bet tons of you browsing forum of coping, break ups and losing someone due to accidents and illness perhaps are going through some of the worst times. Some may have even wished they never lived. Yet they still have the courage to go on in life no matter how painful it was or how meaningless it seems. And to those people whose wound is still raw in your hearts yet puts in time and kind words to help OP cope with his depression is really amazing.

 

This alone tell us that life is worth liviNg for.

 

You guys really rocks. And deserved utmost respect from me.

[mario_C]

I was worried this was going to turn into a "Downloading Nancy" situation (a true incident that became a small movie that you should all watch). Glad it didn't.

 

Please report back to us about how therapy treats you. Take to heart my suggestion about a vacation. And enjoy your work with your company and the coaching thing - being focused on your goals is so key to having meaning in your life, or it has been for me. Best of luck, OP.

 

PS I saw Les Brown eons ago in person (yeah, I'm old). Not crazy about his message, but he said it quite well.

[Jackson37]

I'm glad to hear man online communities can be very helpful

[TiredConfusedHurtSad]

Are you challenging me to see if I am bluffing and will go through with it?

 

And as already noted, I'm "challenging" you in the hope that you squarely face what's really eating you up about life.

 

People not "caring" about your "accomplishments" is a reason to abandon an internet forum, maybe, but not one to abandon life itself, generally.

 

If you really do go ahead and commit suicide because someone's calling your bluff on it, then, as I'm already suggesting, you have issues deeper than simply being "unloved." (Hint: you don't love yourself, and seek it from others.)

 

Now please don't take any of this the wrong way: you're getting lotsa pats on the back here...just thought I should chime in along with "acrosstheuniverse" with a different perspective. Not better or worse, just different.

[TiredConfusedHurtSad]

Kaiten, no, the "challenge" was clearly spelled out, and it is NOT EVEN REMOTELY connected to what you (mistakenly) thought.

 

This "challenge" is in the way that therapists use it: for you to look within yourself and unravel all the beliefs, perceptions, thoughts, feelings and expectations that you have but that Life Itself seems to be negating at the moment.

 

The problem is that it is difficult to do because one has to step outside of one's own 'mental boxes' to undertake such a self-examination...but one cannot see outside of those boxes when one is so immersed in, and overpowered by, them.

 

It's not that there is anything wrong or faulty or defective with YOU (or me), but there's plenty that is just not accurate in our view of our self, other people and the world in general.

 

Thank you, Ronni. I figured Kaiten had enough "pats on the back," as I call supportive non-judgmental "no-don't-do-it-please!" type responses, so I thought I'd mention a different tack -- both for his benefit and those of others.

 

In overcoming my own hurts, I had to take a hard and long look at myself and realize the abiding truth of my pain: egotism. The feeling of entitlement that I somehow deserve better what I think I'm getting. Most of my pain (and, I suspect, many others') is due to, as the Buddhists say, believing we are the center of the universe and then finding out every moment that we're not. (This is a bit like when Jesus says "whosoever loses his life for my sake shall find it" -- that is, living a life of ego-less service -- or when, in the Book of Job, God refuses to answer Job's accusations.)

 

There's a difference between pleasure and happiness, between love and desire, and there's peace between hope and fear...that's what I've learned -- my pain is a phantom pain, like how amputees can still report itching or even painful sensations emanating from the lost limb (which curious phenomenon is cured by holding up a mirror to the existing limb, thus creating a mirror image of the lost limb, and scratching or otherwise attending to the existing limb, only looking at the mirror image, which to our unconscious minds is the lost limb itself and thus the itch is satisfied) -- it's all rather like an illusion, this pain...it exists only because I'm reifying it, making it real, a bit like an actor making himself cry for the camera (this camera being our own consciousness, our own ego and egotism ["see how unjustly I suffer, o cruel world!"])....

 

It's everyone's task in life to overcome our own individual egotism. There is the natural pain of true loss, for example, and then there is the added pain of feeling cheated by life, which is something our egotism provides....

Edited December 11, 2014 by TiredConfusedHurtSad
Addenda.