How do you trust another human being after being abused?

[Detectingfreak]

So as many of you know I was abused emotionally for 2 years and I didn't even know it until I went to a counselor. I went to a counselor for three months, and got out of the relationship with my ex. How do you trust someone again after being abused? I vowed to only view woman as co workers and nothing more. I don't trust them as friends and cannot trust them as lovers ever again.

 

I really like my freedom right now but maybe one day I may want to be in a relationship but mentally I don't think I could handle it.

[GemmaUK]

I find the best thing is to remember that it was one person who did that to you.

 

 

Everyone is an individual, male or female. No one is the same as the next person.

 

 

A good thing to do also is just make sure that you listen to your instincts - even over the tiniest of things, keep a record even if things happen that make you feel uncomfortable.

Plus also look into why you put up with it - what the actual reasons were - and even whether you did put up with it or fought against it along the way (this can exacerbate an abusers abuse because they try another tactic to manipulate).

 

 

Above all take time to heal. There's nothing to say you 'should' date.

 

 

It's a bit of a shock when you find out later what was happening - I realised what had happened to me about 6 months after ending it with him and then took a further 6 months researching behaviour patterns in abusers and in those who like me, felt that the signals I was seeing were so insignificant on a separate basis but once they were all put together showed me exactly what type of man I was dealing with.

 

 

Good luck, take your time.

The worst is over.

[StalwartMind]

Very sensible things said by GemmaUK.

 

Trust is the hardest thing to build, but the most important person you should be able to trust is yourself. When rebuilding your own self-esteem, trust or whatever, which has been abused or damaged by others, it's important that you learn to protect yourself.

 

While it's impossible to fully guard yourself from all the terrible traits humans can have, you can at the very least become sufficient in deflecting attacks that can hurt you deeply. A good core to have is to to expect nothing of others, but also eliminate factors in your life that you feel are a threat to your well being. Negative people, or people whom do not reciprocate should have a low priority.

 

To me it's simple, if I in any way or shape am of a negative influence or harmful to anyone's well being, for whatever reason, it doesn't matter if I agree with it or not, then they should not be in my company. People can have all sorts of reasons as to why they feel the way they do, some that may even seem bizarre to most common folk, but the truth is it's really good to be mindful of others, even if it is of no benefit to you.

 

I'm quite sure a lot will not think that way, because many are extremely selfish, which they have every right to be as it's their choice. In your healing process it's good to just take things slow, and come to whatever conclusions about others as you see fit.

 

All the best to you.

[KatZee]

It's not about trusting someone else. It's about trusting YOURSELF.

 

Now that you know what to look for and what emotional abuse is, you will very quickly pinpoint it and pick up red flags from future women.

 

Know what you want, know what you need, know what you will expect from a partner, know what you will accept, know what you will not tolerate.

 

Once you know these things, you can literally trust anyone.

 

Trust that they will show you exactly who they are. Just pay attention.

Edited December 6, 2014 by KatZee

[Danda]

Just flip-flop the scenario for some perspective when you need to. It helps me out some.

 

For example I am a woman and my father abused me in really horrific ways, and also abused my mother and younger brother.

 

My first love committed suicide.

 

My second love was emotionally abusive and cheated on me.

 

I've really had a bad string of luck with guys, to be honest.

 

It would be hard for me to genuinely trust you deep down, OP, if we knew each other in real life, but I'd try. I'd give you that starting chance and let it slowly go from there. Because I know that the only thing you have in common with previous men in my life is a Y chromosome and that's it.

 

Trusting after abuse and other types of loss is very hard. It's also not a choice to trust completely. We can't just turn it on like a light switch.

 

But we can give it a chance and let those who nurture it slowly do so, while not ignoring red flags from those who don't.

[Detectingfreak]

Danda thanks for your reply. Its going to take me years to trust anyone else again besides family and friends. I am the type of person who really likes to be in a safe environment and never likes going out of the safe environment for fear of something bad happening to me, being arrested, or anything like that.

[Leegh]

Have faith in life. In addition, since you have already experienced a bad situation, you can get out earlier next time if things don't go well.

[amaysngrace]

Go slow. Don't rush into anything too quickly and make sure the person deserves you by treating you with respect and honesty before allowing yourself to get too attached.

 

Listen to your gut instinct too. If it feels off then it probably is. Go slow so you don't miss anything you should be paying attention to.

[Detectingfreak]

Thanks for the responses! I don't think I can trust anyone anymore

[bathtub-row]

The part you're missing is that you have an advantage over most people because you now know the signs. Don't you look back on the past relationship and think that if only you had paid attention to this thing, or that? I can spot an angry, abusive person from ten miles away now. And, the truth is, if they somehow managed to fool me for a long period of time (which is highly unlikely), I would bolt the second they revealed themselves. You would, too. You have a keen radar now.

 

It's a good idea to take a breather in order to make sense of things and to find your emotional balance, but there will come a time when you're ready to start again, and you should. Don't let the abuser control you for the rest of your life, even after she's gone. Just learn from it and you'll be fine.

[venusishername]

It's not about trusting someone else. It's about trusting YOURSELF.

 

Now that you know what to look for and what emotional abuse is, you will very quickly pinpoint it and pick up red flags from future women.

 

Know what you want, know what you need, know what you will expect from a partner, know what you will accept, know what you will not tolerate.

 

Once you know these things, you can literally trust anyone.

 

Trust that they will show you exactly who they are. Just pay attention.

 

 

The most beneficial piece of advice my counselor gave me when I asked her the same question you are is that it's easier to trust others once you learn to trust yourself.

Another one of my favorites is that trust can't be given out like candy, it takes time to be earned.

It's a big mental shift to make, it does take time and effort. You'll get there.