My girlfriend made out with a guy 6 days before we became boyfriend girlfriend

[sg473]

Basically my current girlfriend made out with a guy 6 days before we became an official couple, we became an official couple on august 15th, she made out with the guy august 9th....now i know a lot of you are going to say things like "well u two weren't dating yet so u can't be mad" i get that but she was already telling me things like this:

august 4th "no need to thank me...just the thought of u makes me happy, especially when i know i get to be in your arms again today"

august 5th: "deal, nothing better than us, you're really something else"

"im looking up hotels for us now" (she was planning future vacations"

"i already have love for you"

also on august 5th i surprised her with flowers and she tells me all about how she was telling her dad and neighbors

*keep in mind that at this point, she's met my entire family, spent the weekends at my house, met my friends..etc, so it's not like we were simply 'seeing' each other

august 7th: "you're the best, thanks again for everything"

"i can't wait to cook breakfast for you everyday"

Now this is where it really hurts, this is why i'm so upset, read on, she sent me this on august 7th(2 days before the makeout)

"we are pretty amazing..we make a great team..so our heart to heart last night when was babbling on hit home huh? i may not show it but i'm definitely a little scared falling this fast and hard for you, not going to lie...i'm cautious that things will blow up in my face but i cant not give things my all when it comes to you..you have a hold on me and i really care about u a lot...your heart is safe with me " followed by

"we need to trust eachother and give eachother our all, while taking care of the other's heart..i can't fight it. i've honestly never felt like this before. i've had my fair share of relationshipsbut this is different. you are so special to me already.. and yes i am addicted to you...i miss u already and we spent all night/morning together..all i want is to be safe in your arms..you make me so happy, i really cant put into words the feeling i get when i'm around u. nothing compares. thank you for being such a great supporter and motivator, you really do make me want to be the best version of myself."

 

so clearly u can see why i'm upset even though we weren't "dating" , when somebody sends u things like that and tells u those things in person, its hard not to be hurt by what she did...so the major texts were two days before the deed, then august 9th was a saturday, she slept over my house friday night and woke up with me saturday, leaves to a wakeoff on her friends boat, shes texting me and then there was a 3 hour gap , she got drunk and yeah....

now i didnt find out about this till now(december 2nd) ,the reason i did was because i decided to go on her facebook and noticed that she was in some pictures from that day but she untagged herself so they wouldnt show up , but i managed to find them, they were fairly suspicious pictures, her sitting on a guys lap and drinking a lot, i called her out on it and she first tells me that she may have flirted around since she was drunk but that she didnt kiss anybody or anything, so i kept pushing because her story sounded fishy and she admitted to kissing a guy...

 

so what do i do? i know we weren't dating and i told her i wouldn't care or be mad, but that was before i read those texts, whenever i read them i get so hurt and want to start crying, how can a person tell u those things and then go ahead and do what she did...heartless.....idk what to do. advice?

[Trep]

Generally in these cases you will only get the bare minimum of what happened. I wouldn't be suprised if she did more than just make out with this guy.

 

Although she didn't "technically" do anything wrong, it's still a pretty questionable act to perform after saying all those things. All I can think is "actions speak louder than words".

 

Really it depends on whether you believe you can get over this and trust her afterwards. If you don't think you can it's best to just move on.

[Million.to.1]

How old are you guys?

 

... I just think that if you are both young, then maybe it was a young foolish drunkin mistake on her part. Maybe talk to her about it and tell her why it upsets you. She may be able to explain why or where her head was at in a way you can forgive you if approach it without anger.

 

good people do make bad calls when they are young and inexperienced and alcohol is involved....I know i did.

[Chemist]

How old are you guys?

 

... I just think that if you are both young, then maybe it was a young foolish drunkin mistake on her part. Maybe talk to her about it and tell her why it upsets you. She may be able to explain why or where her head was at in a way you can forgive you if approach it without anger.

 

good people do make bad calls when they are young and inexperienced and alcohol is involved....I know i did.

 

Also dude, you weren't exclusive yet. I mean, when I was dating this girl for six months, I keep trying to make it exclusive, and she was hesitant. All I can assume was she was seeing other people too, so I didn't hold back.

 

Also when I am pursuing a girl, I am usually pursing 3 or 4 and will make out with all of them given the opportunity.

 

In der Liebe und im Krieg ist alles Erlaubt.

All is fair in love and war.

[RandyG]

That´s is really bad for anyone to find out, but as long as you are with her you will remember that and the fact she did not tell you is not a positive sign.

 

So you have to decide if you wanna go on with the relationship and be unhappy and mistrust her all the time she goes out on a party with friends or you wanna start afresh, I mean there are a lot of women you know with time you may forget. Most important you must be happy.

[mammasita]

I'm on the opposite end of the spectrum. I agree with you OP.....if you are telling someone words like that, then that should mean your heart is behind them 100% regardless of whether you had the title yet or not.

 

IMHO, It sounds like she is a major player and will say anything just to say it.

[Molly Hooper]

I can see both sides of it. Yes, technically she didn't do anything wrong in the sense of boyfriend/girlfriend law, as you weren't "technically" official. But I can definitely see how it may be hurtful. The whole "Define The Relationship" conversation - where titles are actually established - doesn't happen the day you meet someone. It happens after you have already started building some sort of relationship together. I don't shake hands with a guy and then call him my boyfriend. We spend time together, share things with one another, etc.

 

So even though you weren't "official" at that time, you are allowed to still be put off or hurt by the fact that you guys were in a place where texts/thoughts/feelings like what you said above were exchanged, but then she is physical (in any capacity) with another guy.

 

Because actions speak louder than words.

 

Ultimately, I don't see it as a deal breaker, but I don't think your feelings should be considered irrelevant.

[mammasita]

I can see both sides of it. Yes, technically she didn't do anything wrong in the sense of boyfriend/girlfriend law, as you weren't "technically" official. But I can definitely see how it may be hurtful. The whole "Define The Relationship" conversation - where titles are actually established - doesn't happen the day you meet someone. It happens after you have already started building some sort of relationship together. I don't shake hands with a guy and then call him my boyfriend. We spend time together, share things with one another, etc.

 

So even though you weren't "official" at that time, you are allowed to still be put off or hurt by the fact that you guys were in a place where texts/thoughts/feelings like what you said above were exchanged, but then she is physical (in any capacity) with another guy.

 

Because actions speak louder than words.

 

Ultimately, I don't see it as a deal breaker, but I don't think your feelings should be considered irrelevant.

 

I think she technically did do everything wrong. She should have kept her silly little mouth shut and let the cards fall where they may instead of whispering sweet nothings in OP's ear.

 

In which case her actions before they became official would be totally irrelevant and nothing would be wrong now.

 

Total deal breaker in my book. The way things are now, I'd think she was a liar and full of *****.

 

Not to pick a fight with you, just politely disagreeing

[Molly Hooper]

I think she technically did do everything wrong. She should have kept her silly little mouth shut and let the cards fall where they may instead of whispering sweet nothings in OP's ear.

 

In which case her actions before they became official would be totally irrelevant and nothing would be wrong now.

 

Total deal breaker in my book. The way things are now, I'd think she was a liar and full of *****.

 

Not to pick a fight with you, just politely disagreeing

 

If you read what I said, I said she didn't do anything wrong in the sense of an actual infidelity. But I then explained basically what you said. The only difference is that it is a deal breaker to you, and a conversation to me .

[lolablue17]

I don't believe in definitions like "technically". Relationships are never technical. it's all about human feelings.

 

You expect that if someone cares for you, she'll be very sensitive to your heart beat. That's how you create trust, by learning to depend on each other.

 

What she did is totally inexcusable in my eyes. She may want you, and attracted to you, But she's also very selfish. She wouldn't kiss that guy if she did care about you, not because of boundaries, or technical definitions of your status, but because she knew it would hurt you and still did it.

 

And of course as expected with selfish people, she didn't confess, but lied to you, and than "trickle truthed" to you and tried to minimize reality just to protect herself. How low!

 

And finally!! - Hey girl... You met a new exciting guy, you start develope feelings for him, these are magical moments, these are the loveliest days in which you should be concentrated only about your new guy... But during that you go and make out with a guy at a party?!!

 

If you can't be honest and focused on those magic moments, when else can you?

 

I don't accept the excuse of her being young. I was honest also when i was very young. I can even say that in years, i've learned that you shouldn't be honest ALL THE TIME in ANY SITUATION. But this knowledge was built slowly as the years went by... So when i was young i was much more innocent and honest.

[d0nnivain]

Whether we're upset by it doesn't matter. You are upset by it & can't get past it. Therefore, you have to end the relationship. If you don't want to end the relationship, find a way to deal with it. There is no continuing to date her & continuing to punish her. That's not fair to anybody.

[Molly Hooper]

I don't believe in definitions like "technically". Relationships are never technical. it's all about human feelings.

 

You expect that if someone cares for you, she'll be very sensitive to your heart beat. That's how you create trust, by learning to depend on each other.

 

What she did is totally inexcusable in my eyes. She may want you, and attracted to you, But she's also very selfish. She wouldn't kiss that guy if she did care about you, not because of boundaries, or technical definitions of your status, but because she knew it would hurt you and still did it.

 

^^^^ This.

[sg473]

my god this sucks. see i dont know if i can get over it, i want to and i want to makeup and try to continue things but i don't know if i can get over it or if it will haunt me, theres no way to tell but through time, but the question is, do i use that time to try to get over it and continue or use that time to break up and focus on me and mybe find someone new...? i don't know

She literally cried for hours, not even cried, but sobbed, told me how sorry she is, and how i mean the world to her and that she would never do that now that we're dating, and she said she wouldn't go out(like to parties or social events especially with alcohol) without me...she seemed genuine, but than again theres no guarantee....so do i give her the chance to prove herself or just cut my losses? i said some really hurtful things to be honest but i feel that they apply, for example i said, 'what makes u different from your mom? you're a lying cheating drunk"

yes it may be hurtful but hey its the truth and seems to me shes following inher footsteps, and i dont know if i want to attempt to be her savior who prevents her from becoming that or just let her go and let some other guy deal with it

[lolablue17]

i dont know if i want to attempt to be her savior who prevents her from becoming that or just let her go and let some other guy deal with it

 

You know, she had the chance to come clean immediately after it happened, but HER INSTINCTS GUIDED HER OTHERWISE. her instincts figured that if she just covers it up and lies, she'll get away with it. On the other hand if she confesses, she'll have a hard time with you. She chose the easy way.

 

Now she finds out that the easy way is not so easy as she thought, and probably the other way could be much worthwhile. So she regrets she didn't chose the most profitable way for her.

 

She may have learned a lesson and next time she'll make better choices FOR HERSELF. Either way, you're out of the equation. She will always do what she'll think is best for her. If something happens and she'll think that to lie is best for her, she'll lie with no hesitation.

 

I must be carefull and say I don't know her and maybe I'm wrong. Consider that when you read me. I'm only trying to give you some tips and a different view. Not more than that.

[sg473]

*she also basically told me all this in person but being that i was so angry at the moment it didn't phase me, but this is what she just sent me*

 

I'm sorry. i hope you find it in that big heart of yours to not forgive me completely..but allow me to prove it to u. i can't handle drinking and won't go out. not just out of respect but because i dont want to. i mean it. u dont have to do anything besides give me time to prove it to you.. i know you're hurt. i want to be that woman in your life who loves you and wants to be with u. please just let me prove this to u. i love u so much. i dont wana lose my baby. i've changed .. i really have and this has been a learning experience for me and i've grown so much during our time together. im not just saying this. i want to focus on my career and you. i dont ever wanna go out. not for my friends bday, not for my bday. i wanna cuddle up with u for my birthday and celebrate us. you deserve to be happy and loved.. i will provide you with all the love and be honest with you. you have stolen my heart and i know i need to prove everything..everyday..i'll prove my love and gain your trust day by day..as long as it takes babe. i love you more than anything. i wont give up on us. i will continue to fight for your love and trust every single day. i really do love u with all of my heart..i know you're tired and hurt but keep holding onto us..dont give up on me now baby..our lives together have just begun. we will find a way to work..i know we are both crazy about eachother..when you think about giving up, remember how far we've come and the love we have for eachother.

[Raena]

How long were you two hanging out together getting to know each other before you became "official"?

 

I get that it hurts that she said those things to you and then went and kissed another guy... but here's another side of that story...

 

It could be that she wasn't sure what YOUR intentions were at that point. Was it clear to HER that YOU weren't dating other people? Or that she shouldn't be dating other people either?

 

If I'm hanging with some guy and I really like him, I'm going to tell him that. More than likely, I won't be dating or kissing other people at the same time because I'm just funny about stuff like that... but if I really like a guy and I'm not sure what his feelings are at the time because he hasn't made it clear to me... I might think he's dating others or that I'm really still single so therefore I can do whatever I want to do.

 

The fact that she's so upset about your response says that she really likes YOU and wants to be with YOU... not the other dude she was kissing. Heck... kissing him could have made her realize exactly how much she really likes YOU.

 

Take it whatever way you want, you've only been dating for 4 months and you are talking about splitting up with her because she kissed someone when you two weren't officially a couple.

 

What concerns me most is your comments to her about all this... calling her a lying cheating drunk like her mother? Damn dude, that's cold. She didn't cheat... sure she didn't tell you about it because she didn't HAVE to and yes she was drunk. I'd be more concerned about the drinking than anything... but if I were her... I'd be wondering why some guy who says he loves me is dogging me out and saying the meanest things possible to me. That's not a good sign for the future.

[lolablue17]

Nobody can decide but you

 

I understand now that she can't handle drinking. It's easier to fix things if you identify them and this is the case. If she wants to stop drinking for herself, not for you, it's a good sign.

 

But then again, who knows if and when she changes her mind... If you take her back, I advice you to take things slow with her. Protect yourself and take time until you're not hurt so much. Let's see if she can handle a situation while she isn't sure if you're in or out.

 

BUT!!! If and when you're in - don't be with the other foot heading outside. Don't keep dealing with this episode and look forward. Good luck with your decision! I wish you well.

[road]

Breaks down to some people can handle multiple dating. Some can't. You are in the some can't. So dump her.

 

 

What we say will not make you able to or not accept what happened. You think you can then try to keep her.

 

 

Do what you want.

[JS84]

To be honest you both sound immature. What are your ages?

[sg473]

i'm 20 and shes almost 25,

look i get the whole "we weren't officially dating so its not cheating" trust me i really do get that, i really do. But i didnt realize she was sending me texts like that before she kissed him. If she never sent me texts like that i wouldnt be upset and i wasn't when she told me. but when i went backk to our old messages and saw she was sending me thinks like that about how 'i already have love for u' , 'we need to start building trust in eachother, u mean so much to me, ur a great supporter and motivator" , "ur heart is safe with me"

reading those texts i broke down, u just dont send somebody texts like that and then kiss someone, if she never sent those i wouldnt be upset

 

and i know i said some 'hurtful' things but u know what , they're also pretty true, sometimes people need to hear the cold heart truth to realize they're going down the wrong path, i mean she always tells me about she can never be like her mom and follow in her footsteps, her mom was a drunk that cheated on her dad, and they got divorced,

u would think that after all that, my girlfriend would do everything in her power preventing herself from going down the same path, but when u go out and drink on a regular basis and get blackout drunk and kiss other guys, thats not exactly steering away from her moms course

 

now with everything she sent me sounds really reassuring and comforting and seems to provide hope, her saying she wont go out and drink and how much she loves me and cares about me and would never do something stupid now that we're dating....but then again those are only words just like the words she sent me before she kissed a guy, so do i try to give her some trust and take her word or would i be a fool to believe her?

 

i really want to makeup and get through this with her, that's the optimal situation, i truly believe she loves me like crazy and is absolutely obsessed with me and i dont know if i will ever find someone who is that crazy about me and if i can ever be this crazy about someone , i want to take her word, and try to get through this situation...but i also know that i have some trust issues which are fair warranted, so i dont know how easily i can get over this, and if the situation will just replay in my head in the future and haunt me.

 

by the way, i appreciate everyones input

[sg473]

@ raena,

its funny, my girlfriend almost said the same exact things word for word, about how she didnt know what my intentions were and what if i was seeing other people. But than why would she send me texts like that if she didnt know what my intentions were? i mean come on, i think its her way of trying to justify what she did, at that point she met my whole family, my best friends, she stayed over on weekends, i met her family, whenever i wasn't working i was with her, i deleted girls out of my phone in front of her, we were planning future vacations, we were talking about our future, so come on....if those things don't show what my intentions were, i don't know what does?

[Danda]

I found this part of her texting to you to be interesting:

 

"i may not show it but i'm definitely a little scared falling this fast and hard for you, not going to lie...i'm cautious that things will blow up in my face"

 

So she was scared of how quickly and hard she was falling for you, confessed it all to you (what were your responses? curious), then got drunk and kissed another guy. Then the two of you got together and she tried to hide the photos.

 

I also can't help but piece it together that she confessed all of this heavy stuff to you, including the fact that she was scared, and yet you two didn't get together until a bit later. So did you not move to make it official with her when she confessed all of that stuff to you?

 

And then she gets drunk and makes out with somebody.

 

I guess I just find it easy to play Devil's Advocate for her, given all of these clues.

 

However, where I think she is definitely in the wrong is how she panicked and lied when you found the photos. If I were in your shoes, that's the part that would have me concerned. But you're mostly just upset about the texts?

[sg473]

We met mid july, spent a lot of time since then, those texts were august 7th, the kiss was august 9th, we became an official couple august 15th.

 

i replied to the "im cautious falling this fast..." part with this, obviously also on august 7th

: " im definitely cautious and also scared that im falling this fast and hard, but u know what, im trusting u not to let me down, and i trust myself not to let u down, it may be hard and fast but im not gonna fight it, everything is going great so far and its all falling into place , we're quite something so far and i plan on keeping it that way, i care about u a lot too and i know your heart is safe with me, you're the only one on my mind and teh only one i want and need"

wow i didnt realize i wrote that, that just made so upset and angry "im trusting u not to let me down" wow.

[Danda]

We met mid july, spent a lot of time since then, those texts were august 7th, the kiss was august 9th, we became an official couple august 15th.

 

i replied to the "im cautious falling this fast..." part with this, obviously also on august 7th

: " im definitely cautious and also scared that im falling this fast and hard, but u know what, im trusting u not to let me down, and i trust myself not to let u down, it may be hard and fast but im not gonna fight it, everything is going great so far and its all falling into place , we're quite something so far and i plan on keeping it that way, i care about u a lot too and i know your heart is safe with me, you're the only one on my mind and teh only one i want and need"

wow i didnt realize i wrote that, that just made so upset and angry "im trusting u not to let me down" wow.

 

Alrighty thank you for answering my question. My devil's advocate line of thought was that maybe she thought you didn't feel as strongly as she did, and she was already scared, so she freaked out, got drunk and made out with someone else.

 

But now seeing your half of the conversation I can better understand your feelings. If it were me in your shoes I would have basically considered us official at that point due to the conversation, even if we hadn't spelled it right out like, "We are monogamous now," signed and dated.

 

So, yeah that was my best defense attorney move, got nothing else.

[Molly Hooper]

If it were me in your shoes I would have basically considered us official at that point due to the conversation, even if we hadn't spelled it right out like, "We are monogamous now," signed and dated.

 

I think so too. Not all conversations even go "are we now currently boyfriend and girlfriend?" I think I would have considered that fairly official.

My boyfriend and I were swimming and he basically said "I'm not seeing anyone else and I don't want to" and that was that. If he then kissed another girl the next day and said we weren't technically official - I don't think anyone would blame me for feeling a little betrayed and misled.