My girlfriend made out with a guy 6 days before we became boyfriend girlfriend

[lolablue17]

They were officially together, they weren't officially together - Who cares? This is no court room and official statements worth nothing. There are no lawyers, and nobody should have claims, or arguments.

 

If someone kisses a guy while sending these texts to another guy, It says a lot about the value of her words (no value).

 

I think she understands that and she chose the "i was drunk" route. Now the OP should decide if it's only a strategy, or if it's real and solid.

 

OP - Anyway it's a gamble... just decide - You can't know more than you already know. Go with your guts...

[sg473]

i'm 20 and shes almost 25,

look i get the whole "we weren't officially dating so its not cheating" trust me i really do get that, i really do. But i didnt realize she was sending me texts like that before she kissed him. If she never sent me texts like that i wouldnt be upset and i wasn't when she told me. but when i went backk to our old messages and saw she was sending me thinks like that about how 'i already have love for u' , 'we need to start building trust in eachother, u mean so much to me, ur a great supporter and motivator" , "ur heart is safe with me"

reading those texts i broke down, u just dont send somebody texts like that and then kiss someone, if she never sent those i wouldnt be upset

 

and i know i said some 'hurtful' things but u know what , they're also pretty true, sometimes people need to hear the cold heart truth to realize they're going down the wrong path, i mean she always tells me about she can never be like her mom and follow in her footsteps, her mom was a drunk that cheated on her dad, and they got divorced,

u would think that after all that, my girlfriend would do everything in her power preventing herself from going down the same path, but when u go out and drink on a regular basis and get blackout drunk and kiss other guys, thats not exactly steering away from her moms course

 

now with everything she sent me sounds really reassuring and comforting and seems to provide hope, her saying she wont go out and drink and how much she loves me and cares about me and would never do something stupid now that we're dating....but then again those are only words just like the words she sent me before she kissed a guy, so do i try to give her some trust and take her word or would i be a fool to believe her?

 

i really want to makeup and get through this with her, that's the optimal situation, i truly believe she loves me like crazy and is absolutely obsessed with me and i dont know if i will ever find someone who is that crazy about me and if i can ever be this crazy about someone , i want to take her word, and try to get through this situation...but i also know that i have some trust issues which are fair warranted, so i dont know how easily i can get over this, and if the situation will just replay in my head in the future and haunt me.

 

by the way, i appreciate everyones input

 

i agree with the whole 'i would of deemed it official at that point" statement

but now i can only go from there, what should i do? should i take her back? she seems extremely sincere, yesterday she called up my friend asking for advice and i was there(i obviously kept quiet) and she started crying talking to him.

so should i give her another chance or what? is it forgiveable or is too much of a betrayal? atleast she seems to be making the right steps to move forward and prevent this from happening againby cutting out drnking and going out, but is that enough?

[sg473]

u have great replies.

i told her exactly that "ur words have no value"

But thats the thing, i dont know if its just her strategy or if she really means it and it is solid....i dont know

 

i sent her this:

"Look I just need some think to think, I don't know what to do, optimally yeah I wana forgive u and makeup and continue us, but I know that I'm just going to replay this situation in my head in the future and its going to haunt me when I'm not with u, I wouldn't have been upset if u kissed a guy when we weren't dating, but I didn't realize u were sending me texts like those, every time I read them or think about them I feel sick to my stomach , especially the part about building trust and how my heart is safe with u, when I read those I break down , that plus all the other lies I've been told and all the other times u went out and stressed me out and didn't text back for hours, its just all been too stressing on me, I need to figure out myself if I can deal with it and try to get over ur false words of hope and love, or if its always going to haunt me and honestly, with my trust issues I know its going to haunt me and stress me, all those words u told me in the texts sound amazing and full of hope but so did all the other words u told me, so I don't know what to believe , I need someone who loves me and is honest to me, u love me but ur dishonest, there's only so much a person can take , and when I read or think about those texts u sent me 2 days before u did that, I just feel like out entire foundation was built off ur lies , I'm supposed to be happy in a relationship but all I do is stress, and u give me many things to stress, everything else can be overcome in a relationship but when things are hidden or lied about it makes ur tolerance much lower and eventually u just give up and I'm there , I don't considser u telling me about the kiss as honest because 1) u hid it and denied it for months 2) I gave u chance to come clean and even specifically asked u "what if something happened on the boat , u were drunk then"

3) the texts u sent me before the incident were the major lies I'm referring to , they break my heart to read and they make me absolutely sick to my stomach , I just feel like those texts and what u did is just a foresight to our future, its gonna be a process that repeats and repeats itself , ur gonna drink and hide things from me and lie , now sure u can maybe cut out the drinking and going out , but ur nature to lie is preset, you've said it yourself, and I get that but I also won't be around to deal with that, I don't deserve that , I do love you but there's only so much lying bull**** a person can handle, like I said , I need a little time to think if I can somehow find it in my heart to even give u an ounce of trust to continue and if I can get over this situation and not replay it in my head , and I don't know if I can do that , like I said , love is not enough, there's a lot more to a couple than love , and for me , being honest and truthful is key and obviously not doing something that needs to be hidden or lied about, don't do something g u wouldn't do in front of your partner , such a firm believer in treat others how u want to be treated especially ur partner , I've always been that way, ur 24 and saying ur only starting to be like that because of me but idk if its so easy to just change like that, and I don't know if I believe when u tell me u did, I feel like ur telling me just to keep me and tell me what I want to hear, and you've done a lot of that, telling me what I want to hear, but ur actions.....I don't know what to tell u, you've drained my heart out and I'm looking for a drop of love left to give to u and keep us going, but I don't know if I'll find it

[PaintedTales]

Okay, here's my two cents...

I haven't read all the replies on here...but I'll let you know my opinion. I apologise if anyone else has said something similar.

 

I can understand how this would hurt you. Definitely. But I have been in her position.

 

My boyfriend and I have been together two years,we started dating for about three weeks before making it official.

At first, it was a very casual sort of thing..I knew I had deep feelings for him,but hasn't long come out of a disasterous relationship a few months prior.

At the time we got close, he was casually seeing another girl, I need to emphasise casually.

During my relationship before him...I was with a guy who didn't appreciate me, took me for granted, was insanely argumentative and basically put me through a lot of knocks to my confidence (name calling, criticism of my appearance, personality...he was very possessive and was even jealous of my female friends...and lashed out at me physically when drunk...another story completely, but from all of this you can probably imagine I was a little bit cautious of getting involved with someone else so soon after.) all that was running through my mind was how scared I was that my now bf didn't feel the same...when things started to get more intimate with us.

We were hanging out a lot, flirting, I wanted to be with him so badly but because I thought he was dating this other girl, I kept it casual, masking my feeling with a playful exterior. As we grew close, so did my feelings grow stronger.

At the time I was getting some attention from another guy...

He was chasing me a lot and seemed very keen...

We were only texting before he came home from the army...and he wanted to meet me. (He used to date a girl I know a long time ago when we were about 17! I'm 29 now) my heart wasn't really in it due to my feelings for my now boyfriend, but I decided to meet him.

 

You know why? I was scared stiff of how I was feeling about my now boyfriend that I wanted to make sure if it all fell through I had a back up plan as a distraction.This is incredibly wrong I know. The closer it got to Christmas, the worse I felt about it and called off meeting with this guy. (To which he got very annoyed at me and accused me of leading him on...he had a point, but given we hadn't met in person yet and had only had casual conversation it was a bit much...)

 

Some women are sometimes known to protect their feelings, I don't know what your girlfriends reasoning was...but mine was because I had been through a rubbish relationship and poured too much into it to get nothing back, I didn't want to lay all my cards down on the table just yet before I knew how my now boyfriend really felt!

In the past I had come on too strong to guys I genuinely liked and they had ended up going for another girl.

This was my way of keeping my options open and protecting my feelings to make myself feel desired in case he DID decide to get more serious with another girl instead of me.

 

It's very complex, by now my feelings for him were so strong, which is why I called it off meeting up with this other guy.

 

Anyway, Christmas Eve came...and I met with my friend at a bar when I finished work. Lo and behold army guy was in that bar! He recognised me and spoke to me, bought me a drink, and before I knew it I was quite under the influence of alcohol and decided to stay out with him after my friend had gone home.

 

Wrong decision completely...my conscience was telling me don't do this, this is a bad idea...but another part of me was thinking "you are still technically single...until he gives you any indication he wants you and only you you're just going to end up hurt!" So I threw caution to the wind and ended up kissing this guy.

Immediately felt guilty. And I couldn't understand why.

In my mind my loyalties were all with my now boyfriend, but like I said...it was also a first for me when it comes to how I felt about him.

I had never felt a connection with anyone like this, never been this attracted to anyone, never wanted to be with anyone so badly...and this scared the hell out of me.

I'd hand a few relationships in the past...some lasted longer than others. But not once did I feel anything which was even a speck on how I feel for this guy. And that, when you've never experienced it, and you're unsure how the other person feels, is frightening. As I'm sure you know.

 

I soon left and got a taxi home,and on 28th December my boyfriend and I made it official.

He casually mentioned this other girl text him over Christmas and said he didn't reply...

To which I thought oh god...and asked him why?

He said "well, I kinda thought we were together now..."

And we had "the conversation" and made it official.

He told me he'd made the decision to end it with this other girl, even if it was casual and had barely began, a few weeks before...as he hadn't told me at the time...I assumed one day he might get closer to her.

He assumed that since we were getting close, we were dating...and going to become something. He said he was also unsure if I was seeing anyone else but decided to take the risk and deal with it without dating anyone else if I ever told him it wasn't like that.

 

Guess who's more secure in his own skin to admit defeat if he does end up getting hurt??

 

Anyway, I know this situation is different to yours...but if I ever found out this meaningless kiss hurt my boyfriend I'd be devastated. I can see in a way why your girlfriend is so upset.

You can either trust that she would never cheat on you now you are official and draw a line under it. You can't change the past, but you can change how the past affects you.

 

Try to see it this way (if you want the relationship to work) she is sorry, and maybe she didn't mention it for the reasons she said. You can choose not to believe her...or you can choose to believe her.

You will never know if you could have gotten over this and had an amazing relationship with her though if you don't give it a go with her...

 

It's no use her promising not to go out, not to drink, that isn't fair. The point of a good relationship is you have to be able to trust somebody not to be influenced by drink or anything else to be disloyal to you. That's not the point. Let her prove to you that you can trust her, but don't keep her on a tight leash as she's suggested. Nobody can live like that, and being independent is an important part of a relationship.

 

:-) I hope this works out for you.

[giblesp]

She shouldn't be saying those things to you, and then making out with other men. That suggests that she's immature, and will probably be trouble further down the line.

 

Most importantly, is that how YOU want a relationship to start? A girl sleeping in the same bed as you, going off and making out with a stranger, and then coming back to tell you how much she loves you? What sort of love is that?

 

Sorry to be so direct, but she doesn't sound like relationship material.

[mysteryscape]

"technically" you weren't "dating." You weren't "official" until such and such a date so you can't complain about what happened a few days earlier. blah blah blah. All this is just rationalizing that you're girlfriend cheated on you. All the legalese is just making excuses for unethical behavior. If it was my girlfriend, I would have dumped her soon as I found out.

[mysteryscape]

is if she was drunk and didn't know what she was doing or was just too drunk to care. If that is the case, if she begs you to take her back, you might consider it.

[PogoStick]

Why are you focused on what happened 4 months ago, and as you said, before you were committed? Why did you decide to go digging for problems in the past?

 

I'm not willing to read through those long posts, incase it was already said, but how has the relationship been for the last 4 months? That seems far more relevant than the day on the boat.