My husband is no longer attracted to me.

[scaredofloosinghim]

Hi all. I am new to this forum and am glad that I have found it.

 

My husband and I have been married for almost 20 years. When we met, I was still in highschool and weighed about 98 pounds! Over the years, I have put on weight and am now about 30 pounds over weight. I know that I need to loose the weight, and I have been trying. But, it is not coming off easily. I have an addiction to food, and hate to excericise. But, I have honestly been trying.

 

My problem right now is that my husband no longer finds me attractive. He says that he still loves me, but wants me to loose weight because that is the only way he will be attracted to me again.

 

On one hand, I know that I need to loose weight. But, on the other hand, it makes me furious to know that the only way for him to find me attractive again is for me to be thin!! I can't help but wonder if I am sabatoging my weightloss effort myself because of my mixed up emotions.

 

We honestly have a wonderful marriage except for this one problem. I am so afraid of loosing him!! I know that he looks at other "thin" women and wishes that I looked like they do. I also have a hard time being in the same room as other thin women, because I feel like he is comparing me to them.

 

It hurts so bad to know that he finds me so ugly. (you can't see the tears running down my face right now, but they are).

 

Can someone please offer some advice for me? I do not know how to handle this situation. Everytime I try and talk to him about it, he shuts down.

 

Thank you,

 

RLC

[moimeme]

Lose (please with one o) weight for yourself, for your kids, and for your health. It's easy to make the other guy the villain; in this case your husband, and then excuse yourself for not doing the work. It is work and humans are lazy but you need to do it for your own sake. So make the determination you will do it for you.

 

It feels great to have a body that moves well - the pleasure of that feeling is worth all the work. Try it and you'll see what I mean.

[whichwayisup]

I think he needs to be more understanding of how you are reacting to him telling you he's not attracted to you anymore. That is a very strong statment to make. It is unfair and definately puts alot of pressure on you.

 

You say you have a great marriage yet he won't listen or discuss this with you? That is a red flag somehow.

 

I think you should ask him how YOU should react - Reverse the situation...What if he goes bald? Gains alot of weight? All of a sudden has to wear cokebottle glasses all the time! Ask him HOW he would feel if you now said you weren't attracted to him.

 

His actions speak louder than words. Does he tell you he loves you? Do you both cuddle and hold hands? Are you friendly and joke around alot with affection? Do you both enjoy your time together?

 

I do think you need to do this for you. He has made you feel inadquate about yourself and that is not good. Build up your selfconfidence and grab a friend who can go with you to walk, do yoga or jog!

 

Feel better soon.

[Paulie]

its seriously this simple...go on a diet (written by a personal trainer) and exercise. You will lose weight, and then problem solved-period.

[quankanne]

a 30-pound weight gain is a lot, but I wonder if you -- even as a small-framed woman -- are able to carry it well, and it's the thought of "30 pounds" that makes you think these things about yourself, rather than the reality of "hey, I got me some CURVES, woo-HOOO!!!"

 

by all means, get on an exercise-healthy eating regimen, but realize that it's not a sin if you don't look like a freakin' wormy pin-up model out of Playboy, which is totally unrealistic. Frankly, the collective media needs to be slapped upside the head for making such women the standard, because in reality, no one looks like that -- even the models themselves! They've got tons of makeup slapped on them, their bulges or other imperfections are airbrushed out, they invest in fake boobs to look "better," and it's misleading, because in and of themselves they probably are just as lovely ....

 

but enough of the ranting. You are going to have to find something that makes you feel good about yourself, something that will help rebuild your self-esteem, whether it's learning something new or getting another hobby. You also need to look around to find some form of exercise you think is fun, which makes it much, much easier to stick with the regimen. My personal favorites were belly-dancin and the water fitness class I'm currently enrolled in. The women in those classes were doing it for themselves -- for weightloss, yes, but mostly because they're different or fun compared to other forms of exercise they've tried.

 

remember, sexy is in the mind, not just what fills out your birthday suit.

[boursin_cheese]

Hi RLC,

 

Try to believe your husband when he expresses his love for you. He's separating his love for you from a stated physical attraction to you. I'm wondering how this came up in conversation? Was lack of attraction given as a reason for deterioration in physical affection and/or sexual intimacy? Or was it in response to a "Do you think I'm too fat?" or "Do you find that thin woman over there attractive" sort of question? Either way, it's likely that your weight isn't exactly the issue. It is an easily identifiable (and reasonably justifiable) problem for him to target though.

 

If your health isn't severely compromised by the extra lbs, more discussion with hubby doesn't have to be your priority right now. You said he shuts down. He probably doesn't want to discuss it further because it's uncomfortable for him. He may not even know what to say. Certainly, he doesn't want to cause you more pain than you've already felt. Try letting it drop for a couple of months. Stop talking about it, let go of your hurt, frustration and anger about his statement as much as possible. Act on it instead!

 

New activities to feel good and replenish some self esteem should be your first step. An exercise-related activity isn't necessary for that but it's got a built-in bonus. What about an activity that feeds your soul AND helps you get physically fit? I'm thinking something like the Leukemia & Lymphoma Society's Team In Training. The cause is a great one. The support for the athlete (that's you) is unmatched; available locally, nationally -- even online -- all to help you succeed. You'll be exercising, meeting people and tackling an amazing physical feat all while getting deserved admiration from everyone you know for your efforts. You'll also have something new to talk about (and maybe do?) with your husband. Take a look at their website: http://www.teamintraining.org/hm_tnt.

 

Please remember it's not about how much you weigh or how perfect you might look. It's not about conforming to anybody's ideal of a perfect woman. Hey, I'm model-thin, sort of beautiful, successful in career and I strive to be a better human all of the time. And you know what? My honey doesn't find me physically attractive either. He loves me. He's never cheated on me (or me on him). Our love isn't translating into that spark for him and it's taken a huge toll. Sure, the reasons are different for everyone. What I'm saying is don't keep beating yourself up trying to lose 30 lbs. to get your husband to start thinking you're attractive. See if there is improvement for the two of you after losing say -- 10lbs and focus on getting yourself happy with -- YOU!

 

b.c.

[liswil]

Lose weight for youself and then dump him.

[Haunani]

I'm simply amazed at this man's audacity. The more he brings up the subject, the more you will eat, it's called sabatoge....nobody can make you lose weight but YOU. It needs to come from inside, your own will and motivation. He's looking at this only to make himself feel good. I'm sure many men would love to have their women hanging on their arms feeling like a million dollars, but in reality, we come in all different shapes and sizes, and beauty comes from inside.

 

Begin slow and take baby steps. Don't look at the whole 30 lbs that you have to lose - it's exhausting, take it slow - small goals 5 lbs. Incorporate some walking and maybe have him join you in outdoors activities, you will both feel good about it in the long run.

 

He's skirting some other issue(s). What if you were gorgeously thin, but had no hair? Would he still love and support you, or insist you wear a wig? It's a tough situation to be in., but he promised to love you for better or worst, and the more he makes you feel bad about yourself, the worst it will be. But instead of sulking and getting mad, get mad and do something for you. Journal your food and see where the issues lie, and get on some diet and workout program that works for you. When you get your health and diet in order, you will feel better about yourself, and that's all that counts. Then go out, and do a nice shopping spree for your new bod with his money.

 

Good luck.

[liswil]

Originally posted by scaredofloosinghim

I have an addiction to food, and hate to excericise. But, I have honestly been trying.

 

What's causing you to be addicted to it? What feelings are you stuffing away?

 

 

We honestly have a wonderful marriage except for this one problem.

 

The two cannot co-exist. You cannot have a spouse who tells you that they don't find you attractive and have a wonderful marriage.

 

I am so afraid of loosing him!!

 

Why? What would you lose? What would you gain?

 

It hurts so bad to know that he finds me so ugly. (you can't see the tears running down my face right now, but they are).

 

But it's a wonderful marriage, right? You're letting him have way too much power over how you feel. That's the biggest issue here.

 

Can someone please offer some advice for me? I do not know how to handle this situation. Everytime I try and talk to him about it, he shuts down.

 

Say he wasn't in the picture. Do YOU want to lose weight? You can do anything you set your mind to. We all can. You just have to realize it.

[JustLilOleMe]

I've been in your shoes. They are not comfy peds at that!

 

First things first, How do YOU feel about the way you look? If you like it - which I'm guessing you don't from the tone of your post - then let it be. Seriously.

 

If you do not like the way you look, Change it. Jump start it with a hairstyle you've been dying to try. Maybe a new color? cut? Something young and wilder than you'd normally try? Then buy one good pair of jeans in the size you are RIGHT NOW and a good shirt to match. Buy some cute shoes and the accessories for it. There - now you feel cute for a day, right?

 

Now, when you get some time to yourself, turn on the TV, and do 10 sit ups. That's it for today. Next day do 2 more. Take a flight of stairs instead of an elevator. Try to walk 10 minutes a day. Whatever you do - it doesn't have to be a big comitted excercise routine. Just try to move 10 minutes more each day and work up to 30 in the course of 6-8 weeks.

 

Will this drop your 30 lbs? I don't know. That depends on your body and eating. It did help me lose quite a bit. But what it will do is make you feel proud of you for carving that time out to try to make yourself feel better, and it will improve your circulation, which will help you with your stress.

 

Finally, run, don't walk, to a counselor's office and talk about all of this. Best of luck to you.

[skinut2234]

I'll add my 2 cents as a husband in this very same situation. I love my wife of 8 years but she has also let herself go- (about 50+ lbs)- I'm sorry- call me shallow- I am less attracted now than I've ever been- Callit what you want- but physical attraction is important to me- whether you find that wrong or not.

It's not just that- With weight gain comes- laziness, overall not caring of how one looks etc.. My wife will stay in her PJ's all day and not take a shower.... loafing around- Then if I am not "joe romance" - I look like the bad guy. I'm getting tired of it- I've sat down and discussed it over and over again but nothing works. To me- it is a sign of something bigger (no pun intended)- depression- whatever. Bottom line is this- People who are together for long periods of time get BORED- it's human nature. Then when one lets oneself go and the attraction is gone- it's natural- Each person in a relationship (male OR female) has each a responsibility to themselves as a person AND to their mate. I take it upon myself to keep in shape and watch the weight since I want my spouse to continue to be attracted to me. When this subject comes up- a lot of the husbands are made out to be the bad guys- What about how we feel?? Physical attraction IS important to us- Any guy who doesn't admit that is a liar- I'm sorry- I've seen it over and over.

Get yourself into a work out plan and do it. It's all in the mind- Which is more important- You relationship with food, or with him?? You can do it.

[invincible summer]

Weight lifting is an excellent way to look better faster. Anyone can do it, You tone up and your metabolism speeds up and burns faster ALL day (not just when exercising).Do it every other day. Then add some cardio every other day make it 20mins but make sure you sweat some. Keep diary of food you eat- add more protein (you'll need it to keep lifting) and stay away from sugar! Theres no easy way to lose weight but it does take consistancy and a plan. You can do it - its just do you want it or not? If you don't you may have to find someone who doesn't care as well. It sounds harsh but it sounds like he has a problem with your weight.Unless it is just an excuse- then you do have other issues to address. Losing weight is probably easier than changing someones attitude. Also remember it'll take time-just keep moving forward. I lost 40 lbs -took 2 years and I am so so happy I made the decision. I feel so much better and its nice to feel attractive (not saying you're not -but you'll feel even more so). Good luck.

[invincible summer]

Wait a minute-If I understand you correctly you are 128 lbs. How tall are you? That seems pretty average weight (unless you're super short). So you may only need to tone up which isn't hard to do at all.

[invincible summer]

Wait a minute-If I understand you correctly you are 128 lbs. How tall are you? That seems pretty average weight (unless you're super short). So you may only need to tone up which isn't hard to do at all.

[I Luv the Chariot OH]

What does him not finding you attractive imply, on his part? That he might get bored of you and cheat/separate? I think you should talk it over. And in the meantime, I'd suggest not to lose the weight just to spite him.

[anonymous]

I'm replying to you coming from the male perspective ... I would have posted a thread "I'm no longer physically attracted to my wife"

 

It hurts deeply to look at someone you loved as a friend and a mate, want to spend your whole life with, yet realize that you will no longer be making love without artificial stimulation from Viagra or nothing at all. My wife has gained 60 lbs since we met 14 years ago ... she has had a ton of health issues but she is finally starting to see some light at the end. The problem is that I'm worn out just as much as she is.

 

Bottom line: Sometimes life just sucks!

 

My advice to you is, as everyone else says, lose the weight for yourself first- make it a priority in your life. But do it regardless. If he's not arround after you've lost weight and kept it off, at least you will have a boost of confidence and self esteem to carry you though to whatever life may have in store for you. Seek professional help for your food addiction ...

 

The damage that weight gain does to a relationship is emense (no pun intended)

 

- my wifes weight gain makes the man animal inside me think that I'm just not worth the effort for her anymore.

- I avoid going places where there are a lot of attractive women, because I just don't like comparing her to them.

- I'm not sure that your husband can ever have a positive image of your body, no matter how much weight you lose at this point. It's sad, but the feeling of being "betrayed" if you will, by the weight gain is possibly harder to overcome than to forgive a cheating spouse.

 

Lose the weight, but your relationship may never be what it was when you weighed 98 lbs. You have to realize that he has now been phsycologically damaged by all this as well. He is a person, just like you - not an unchanging rock.

[boursin_cheese]

Hey, that was a pretty great post.

 

It's off-topic but, as another woman who was and still is quite thin, attractive, smart, humble but unwanted sexually nonetheless, I'm thinking you should register and give us more of that Man's perspective. You wrote so well, so kindly and candidly...

 

b.c., the user-friendly cheese

[charityjunebug]

It is not shallow if a husband no longer finds his wife attractive for gaining too much weight. You can't compare it to a man going bald. That happens naturally. A natural amount of weight gain is perhaps 1 lb per year after age 35. This is due to a natural process of the body's metabolism.

 

Gaining 20-30 lbs in the first five years of marriage happens way too often. Yes, I know we're busy, food tastes great, etc. But it requires discipline! This, furthermore is a HEALTH ISSUE! I find overweight people just as unattractive as I do smokers. There is a reason why we do not find weight gain attractive. We want a healthy mate to share long and productive lives with!

 

By the way, I am not a chauvenistic (sp.) male. I am a female who has had minor weight issues in the past. I have a hard time keeping my weight stable and I love chocholate and ice cream just as much as anyone. I just keep it in check, that's all.

 

Your husband has the right to be honest with you about how he feels. Many husbands don't even take it as far as yours did and would go out and cheat instead. I know you are hurting, but take this as constructive criticism. It does seem that he loves you.

 

You also deserve to have his support. If he isn't supportive, he's not good for you! Find a good professional and BE PATIENT! You didn't gain all the weight in a short time. It won't come off super fast either. Expect 30-40 lbs a year. Good luck!!!

[liswil]

So what if he has an accident and ends up in a wheelchair for life. That's not natural. Is that an "ok" reason or not for losing interest in the person. Just wondering....

[anonymous]

"So what if he has an accident and ends up in a wheelchair for life.So what if he has an accident and ends up in a wheelchair for life."

 

That depends on your many things, but ultimately, if you made a vow - "for better or for worse, in sickness and in health" - you made a promised to take care of your loved one until death. You are indeed his family now. Although I don't think anyone would blame you for cheating. You might not forgive yourself for abandoning him during a time of need.

 

This is probably as tough a situation as it gets - and a true test of ones moral fiber.

 

Afterall, ones spouse should be ones best friend.

[liswil]

I personally am not attracted to overweight people. In fact, the guys I like are usually on the thin side. However, if you start saying "well, I like you but only if you this and this and this", then that really makes for a bad partnership.

 

Instead it should be: " I'm concerned about your health and I'd like to help you improve it. What can I do to help?"

 

I'll bet if the poster got THAT kind of comment from her husband it would make a world of difference. The fact that she doesn't ----well, I can understand why she feels resentful.

[WithOrWithoutYou]

Originally posted by liswil

Lose weight for youself and then dump him.

 

Ok, it's NOT that simple - at all - but I must admit that when I read what liswil said I couldn't resist the visceral urge to grin and nod.

 

Love is not about physical appearance, especially when you love someone enough to spend the rest of your life with them. That may be what it is about in the beginning, or even what may bring people together (although I prefer friendship), but the idea of marriage is that it is a life partnership. You do have a weight problem, and I can understand your husband wanting to gently remind you that losing weight might be a good idea (for your health as much or more than his libido), but to just come out and bluntly say "you are fat and therefore I am no longer sexually attracted to you" (or however he exactly put it), is just plain cold. And once you make a statment like that (which is pretty thoughtless in and of itself), to shut down and be completely unwilling to talk about it is just horrible.

 

My advice would be to lose weight for yourself, and your health, but keep in mind this trait your H has, and perhaps get some conseling to deal with the way he treats you, thin or not.

[liswil]

Yes, when I posted that I knew it wasn't that simple. But I still think it's true based on how her husband has acted towards her. He doesn't sound caring---he sounds selfish.

 

I'm a woman who was heavy as a preteen and teen (back in the days when most pre-teen and teen girls were tiny). I lost weight and since then have maintained a thin and very toned body because I work on it. So, I've been on both sides of the fence. I've also seen how people treat you on both sides of the fence and that's why I think her husband is an ass. And I'll bet he doesn't have a great body anyway.

 

I currently tend to meet guys who like thin women (which is one of the reasons they're attracted to me) and I've found many of them to be extremely superficial. Enough that I don't think if I gained 2 lbs. they'd still like me. That's not a good feeling and those guys scare me away. I also hear how those guys talk about a person they met (online ) who turned out to be heavier than they thought. I'm talking maybe a little chunky. That's all they seemed to care about even though on phone calls before that they really liked her.

 

I knew a woman who met a guy through the newspaper personals. She had told him she was a little overweight and they talked for a month on the phone. They had great conversations and talked for hours. He first saw what she looked like when they finally met at a bar and he practically ignored her.

 

I know some other women who are heavy and met guys through the personals and the guys have told them (at the first meeting) that they'll have to lose weight if they'll date them.

 

That's why I think that hearing that looks don't matter and it's what's on the inside is a bunch of crap---because they won't bother to get to know you if they don't like the outside.

 

But then......who'd really want those guys anyway........

[RecordProducer]

He CAN"T start loving fat women, but you CAN lose weight. Most guys like slim girls. Don't you want to be sexy again? Fat is really ugly. I need to lose 10 lbs myself and I am trying hard. But I know I will succeed sooner or later, because I want to look like those girls from the magazines again. I want to wear mini skirts and small tops in the summer. I hate seeing myself with extra lbs. My BF also likes it thin. Walking is a very good exercise. Dancing too.

Starvation is the only way to lose weight Five small meals are okay as long as you count an apple as a meal, 200 g of fish as #2, a plate of fresh salad as #3, a glass of milk as #4, etc.

[RecordProducer]

LISWIL, with all respect, I don't think we heard anything constructive from you in this thread.

By the way, if guys want to date thin women we can either be thin or not date them. The only option left for those with extra weight is to find some of the very few guys who don't care about looks or like fat women.