My husband is no longer attracted to me.

[zoonbaby]

Originally posted by invincible summer

Wait a minute-If I understand you correctly you are 128 lbs. How tall are you? That seems pretty average weight (unless you're super short). So you may only need to tone up which isn't hard to do at all.

 

I thought the same thing, but then I reread it that she was 30 pounds OVERweight, not over 98 pounds or whatever she was in high school. Still, 30 pounds is not that bad and should be easy to lose in about a year (I shouldn't really talk, I've got about the same amount to lose, but I've done it before and know it's all in the head)...

 

I agree with everyone who said that you should get in shape for yourself, and not what he thinks of you. Because if you don't feel good about yourself, that's not attractive. I'm in the same boat, woman, but I think if you get into a positive frame of mind, you should be able to tone up and feel great. 30 pounds is NOT the end of the world.

[zoonbaby]

Originally posted by anonymous

 

- I'm not sure that your husband can ever have a positive image of your body, no matter how much weight you lose at this point. It's sad, but the feeling of being "betrayed" if you will, by the weight gain is possibly harder to overcome than to forgive a cheating spouse.

 

Lose the weight, but your relationship may never be what it was when you weighed 98 lbs. You have to realize that he has now been phsycologically damaged by all this as well. He is a person, just like you - not an unchanging rock.

I'm sorry, but I'm offended by this. And I know it's just how he feels, so it can't be wrong, but I feel like it is. A woman's weight is not about "betraying" her SO. It's about her relationship with her body and herself. Sometimes issues get in the way of staying in shape. No woman gains wait on purpose to spite her husband. It makes her feel horrible and unattractive, and for a man to liken it to cheating on him is just ridiculous.

 

ETA: Also, I think if she worked hard to lose the weight, get toned up, look good, he would be PROUD of her and have a more positive image of her body, knowing that she put a lot of effort into it and cared about herself. Hardly anyone is just NATURALLY thin their whole life, and I think it means more when you have to work at it because it says more about your work ethic. He should be thrilled that she has the self-worth and discipline it takes to shape up, because that energy will translate to other areas of her life, as well. I'm sorry, but all of these fat-phobic comments are really making me sick to my stomach.

[Cecelius]

A person doesn't have to be fat-phobic to simply not be attracted to someone any longer. All long term relationships take their toll on attraction: first, looking at the same person every day, they tend to blend in, second, all people start to drop some of the extra-care habits they had when dating.

 

The point the poster made above about "betrayal" may be a little dramatic, but the message is clear: for whatever reason, I am not inclined to lose weight, either because I am too comfortable, too lazy, you don't rank well enough, I have eating issues that outweight my affection for you, whatever -- in the end, I require you to love and be hot for me no matter what...

 

Also, people tend to assume that they SHOULD be able to let it all go, or else their marriage is shallow... That's a presumptuous attitude.

 

If you had a nice old house that you lived in for a long time, if it has shabby paint, it has shabby paint and doesn't look as good as it could.

[zoonbaby]

I'm cringing as I look at my last post - not because of my viewpoints, but because hours of proofreading high schoolers' papers have made me dumb. Wait=weight. Good God.

 

OK, I like your analogy about the house. But the thing is, your body is your business, and there is a lot more going on with a person when they gain weight than what they are feeling for their SO. It has to do with self-esteem, lifestyle, happiness, etc. We have all been saying that you should lose weight for yourself (which I believe to be true), and NOT the other person. If the other person loves you unconditionally, they won't let your weight get in the way of that. They might not necessarily be as attracted to that person... I understand that. But if you're not an a**h***, you won't try to make someone feel even worse about themselves by piling your issues on top of their own. A good guy would be supportive and try to help the other person be happy and feel good about themself, not take the weight gain as some betrayal that "she doesn't love me enough to stay in shape."

 

Again, just my opinion.

[VLM123]

I am going through the same exact thing. After months of wondering why my husband and I only had sex once or twice every few months, he finally admitted to me that it was my weight gain that turned him off. He would dodge my questions and make false promises to me that we'd have sex more often, but that would never happen.

 

I was overweight when we met, but I weighed significantly less then when we first met than now. He is also battling with his weight, but I am still attracted to him. He says he still loves me, too, and is still attracted to other qualities in me, and we are still affectionate with one another (kissing, holding hands, etc.), but he is not down for the sexual aspect of our marriage right now. I feel hurt by this, and pressured to lose enough weight so I can be attractive enough to him so we can have sex again; however, I need to focus on losing this weight for ME, not for HIM.

 

We are going to get counseling to deal with our feelings. We are just taking it one day at a time, and we are doing A LOT of talking with each other right now.