I broke NC...but went NC yesterday...long (having a breakdown) (Updated)

[nikki76]

I went NC a few weeks ago with the "AP" that I met online and met only twice. It was a nice conversation and I felt good about it. The "A" was only 3 months.

It didnt last long. I didnt block him. I just figured I didnt have to many emotions invested, it wasnt a big deal. I wasnt even attracted to HIM and the sex wasnt good at all.

 

I made the mistake of logging into the message app we used amd i saw he texted me and i caved. He was in town yesterday and originally didnt want to meet up and told him

I couldn't get a sitter. But then Tuesday rolls around and I wanted to see him so bad.

I tried getting a siitter but she wasnt available. I got hurt that he didnt make any effort to change any of his business plans around to sneak in a quick lunch or something.

 

I had an anxiety attack. I felt so hurt and rejected. I was acting hysterical. So many feelings of jealously. Kept thinking, what if hes meeting up with someone else while hes here since I couldn't. Thats ridiculous, I know. After all, he actually kinda groses me out.

 

In the middle of my meltdown last night, I called my therapist and she helped me through the madness. I wrote a simple "its not you, its me, I'm sorry"

Of course, I hadn't heard from him all day...when I sent this, he read it.

I had blocked him right away.

I cant get over feeling bad. It was totally unexpected. We dont have any other ways of communication besides that app, that I blocked him from.

I feel like I owe him an apology. I know that I'm done with him though.

I keep thinking of how I would feel if it were the other way around. Hes a decent guy, besides being a cheat. I dont think he's ever done anything to intentionally hurt me. I just got too emotionally involved.

 

I'm so tempted to unblock and apologize. I hate that its so easy to unblock. I wish there was a way to permanently delete.

Has anyone else that has gone NC out of the blue, felt bad for ExAP?

 

I know, I'm going on a rampage right now and I cant understand why, over something/one that I dont even know his last name.

[nikki76]

I realized yesterday, what its like to be fed someone's crumbs. I always hear that on here.

Yesterday, when he got to town and he only text me twice.....made me realize how unimportant I am in his life. Im the crazy stupid one that would put my husband aside or family aside to find time to text this guy.

[anika99]

I'm not sure why the drama over a guy you're not even attracted to, a guy who actually grosses you out. Sounds like you have a huge problem with rejection. He didn't really reject you but it seems like you want him to chase you and shower you with attention even though you really don't want him. Probably you should explore that with your therapist.

[DKT3]

Nikki, I really hope you can get it together before you get caught.

 

I think both of your affairs are simply about attention. Its seems to me that you fall right in the middle of that whole bored housewife thing. I've said it before two things will get you headed in the right direction 1) confession, not trying to be mean, but I don't think your strong enough to do that. With the fear of rejection you have I just don't see it. 2) GET A JOB. So what if you spend have your pay on daycare. You have to find a way to crave out some healthy time outside of your kids. You need some adult interaction. That would lessen your need for attention that you only seem to get in unhealthy manners.

 

I really fear you'll be caught soon, your getting wreckless. What happens if you had got a sitter and your husband just happened to come home early? What happens if you are asleep and he needs to use your phone were you've forgotten to close something? Your running two affairs, and getting wreckless, not to mention one is with hubby's friend (which is as wreckless as affairs get)

 

Good Luck, I fear you will soon need it.

[nikki76]

Nikki, I really hope you can get it together before you get caught.

 

I think both of your affairs are simply about attention. Its seems to me that you fall right in the middle of that whole bored housewife thing. I've said it before two things will get you headed in the right direction 1) confession, not trying to be mean, but I don't think your strong enough to do that. With the fear of rejection you have I just don't see it. 2) GET A JOB. So what if you spend have your pay on daycare. You have to find a way to crave out some healthy time outside of your kids. You need some adult interaction. That would lessen your need for attention that you only seem to get in unhealthy manners.

 

I really fear you'll be caught soon, your getting wreckless. What happens if you had got a sitter and your husband just happened to come home early? What happens if you are asleep and he needs to use your phone were you've forgotten to close something? Your running two affairs, and getting wreckless, not to mention one is with hubby's friend (which is as wreckless as affairs get)

 

Good Luck, I fear you will soon need it.

 

Thank you for your honesty. I do feel like its attentt that I need. And my therapist and I talk about that all the time. She said its like im acting like a child, not satisfied and always looking for the next best thing. I see that. I just need to figure out how to stop!

 

I have left this forum open on a few occasions on the computer. Thank god , I was the one to find it, not him.

I now get that confession would be the best thing. But youre right, I cant bring myself to do it. I'm afraid I'll loose everything, rightfully so.

[Rainbowlove]

I'm just coming into this discussion, but could this behavior be clinical?

 

Is it more than boredom? It seems very impulsive and self-destructive.

 

I don't know how old your little one is, but please get it together before it's too late.

 

If your professional counselor is not helping, find another one to dig deeper.

 

Good luck. Think first before reacting.

Edited December 4, 2014 by Rainbowlove

[AlwaysGrowing]

Feeling rejected by someone who is only using you for sex, when the consequences for you are that you will lose your whole life as you know it, and he knows this as well, and you want to apologize to him...is f'ed up thought processes.

 

You hit on feeling rejected. You might want to dig deeper there. Where does this stem from? How often do normal things make you feel rejected? In what healthy ways can you give to yourself, so rejection does not dominate your thought processes.

 

If you can locate where this unreasonable rejection feeling comes from, you can remove it or redirect it to healthier ways to deal with it.

 

None of the questions I asked, I expect responses to. Just a little help in showing where your energies need to be focused on right now.

 

Asking the superficial questions "does anyone else feel like this", does not address the issue. You will get responses that say this is normal ( normal does not mean healthy), the natural inclination for most is to tell themselves that it is out of their control, everyone does it, then carry on as usual. You need to be challenging your thought processes....not have people agree with them.

Edited December 4, 2014 by AlwaysGrowing

[DKT3]

I'm just coming into this discussion, but could this behavior be clinical?

 

Is it more than boredom? It seems very impulsive and self-destructive.

 

I don't know how old your little one is, but please get it together before it's too late.

 

If your professional counselor is not helping, find another one to dig deeper.

 

Good luck. Think first before reacting.

 

I don't know Nikki outside of what she is posting, however based on that this is purely boredom and seeking attention. She goes about her daily tasks then OM 1 starts to do work around the house, pays her a few compliments, takes her side against her husband (his good friend) then the next thing they are flirty. She then gets a rush that she has had in her daily routine. Like drugs she starts to look for the bigger high so this pushes her towards a sexual relationship. OM 1 starts to withdraw, enter OM 2 who add even greater risk in turn a greater high, more of a rush.

 

OM 2 was in town, that was like putting a crack pipe on the table in front of a crackhead, then not giving them the crack to smoke. It drove her crazy, and she doesn't even care or really like OM 2. BUT she loves that attention and the rush she gets.

 

 

Nikki I'm pulling for you, you can do this. You have to do this because you are in no position to be a single mother right now and its your kids who will pay the price for your choices.

[nikki76]

I don't know Nikki outside of what she is posting, however based on that this is purely boredom and seeking attention. She goes about her daily tasks then OM 1 starts to do work around the house, pays her a few compliments, takes her side against her husband (his good friend) then the next thing they are flirty. She then gets a rush that she has had in her daily routine. Like drugs she starts to look for the bigger high so this pushes her towards a sexual relationship. OM 1 starts to withdraw, enter OM 2 who add even greater risk in turn a greater high, more of a rush.

 

OM 2 was in town, that was like putting a crack pipe on the table in front of a crackhead, then not giving them the crack to smoke. It drove her crazy, and she doesn't even care or really like OM 2. BUT she loves that attention and the rush she gets.

 

 

Nikki I'm pulling for you, you can do this. You have to do this because you are in no position to be a single mother right now and its your kids who will pay the price for your choices.

 

Thats exactly what my therapist said when I called her last night during my breakdown. I couldn't understand why and how this was bothering so much to actually cause anxiety.

 

I cant even imagine what addicts of other sorts go through to get sober because

this, for me, is the hardest thing ive ever had to deal with. I know I need to

stop, or I will face the absolute disaster. I'm just having a really hard time

fighting this addiction.

[Rainbowlove]

I don't know Nikki outside of what she is posting, however based on that this is purely boredom and seeking attention. She goes about her daily tasks then OM 1 starts to do work around the house, pays her a few compliments, takes her side against her husband (his good friend) then the next thing they are flirty. She then gets a rush that she has had in her daily routine. Like drugs she starts to look for the bigger high so this pushes her towards a sexual relationship. OM 1 starts to withdraw, enter OM 2 who add even greater risk in turn a greater high, more of a rush.

 

OM 2 was in town, that was like putting a crack pipe on the table in front of a crackhead, then not giving them the crack to smoke. It drove her crazy, and she doesn't even care or really like OM 2. BUT she loves that attention and the rush she gets.

 

Perhaps you are correct. Perhaps her behavior is related to a mental health disorder.

 

In either case, she does need to get help ASAP to correct the slippery slope she's headed down.

[violet1]

Thats exactly what my therapist said when I called her last night during my breakdown. I couldn't understand why and how this was bothering so much to actually cause anxiety.

 

I cant even imagine what addicts of other sorts go through to get sober because

this, for me, is the hardest thing ive ever had to deal with. I know I need to

stop, or I will face the absolute disaster. I'm just having a really hard time

fighting this addiction.

I understand this completely. I was very addicted to the attention that I received from my XMM. I even broke NC after I got caught and then I felt so horrible. I would always feel bad after I met up with my XMM for sex, but yet I couldn't stop. It sucks when you feel like you have no control. I also wasn't that attracted physically to him either.

 

 

My D Day and marriage counseling help me quite a bit to pull out of the fog. I also suffer from anxiety attacks. My A turned me into a complete nervous wreck. I couldn't function. It was like I was there physically but that was it. I finally went and saw my medical doctor because I was still suffering from anxiety long after I finally went complete NC. She prescribed me a medication that's helped me a lot. My anxiety attacks are less frequent and I'm much more mellow now. Are you on any type of medication for depression or anxiety?

 

 

As hard as it is you just have to keep trying to remain NC by dealing with the cravings. Take it day by day. Keep busy, change your routine if you have to. In time it gets easier. It's just like quitting smoking. At first you feel anxious and nutty, but it gets better each day as long as you don't cave into the craving. Otherwise you have to start the process over again. If you do that's okay, just don't stop trying.

[jellybean89]

I actually think the best thing would be for her H to find out. Nikki doesn't get how utterly irresponsible and immature her behavior is. She doesn't get how she is putting her children's welfare in jeopardy. She doesn't get it. And the only way I believe she will see what her actions have caused is by discovery. I believe if she got a job, it would be like a kid in a candy store. She needs intensive therapy and major consequences for her behavior. To have an utter breakdown over some dude she doesn't even like is scary.

[whichwayisup]

I realized yesterday, what its like to be fed someone's crumbs. I always hear that on here.

Yesterday, when he got to town and he only text me twice.....made me realize how unimportant I am in his life. Im the crazy stupid one that would put my husband aside or family aside to find time to text this guy.

 

Time to stop doing that. You have a husband and children at home who love you. Make them your first priority from now on. Forget MM, don't unblock him. And, stop feeling like you need to apologize to him! He's a grown man, not a baby.

[gettingstronger]

You should double down on the therapy for sure- I am hoping you re-read what you write and understand how over the edge you are and how much you are risking-

 

My best guess is yes, he met up with someone else- didn't you meet on a site for cheating- if that is the case I would imagine you are not the first or the last-he may be one of those men that needs "company" in every town he visits-

[nikki76]

You should double down on therapy for sure- I am hoping you re-read what you write and understand how over the edge you are and how much you are risking-

 

My best guess is yes, he met up with someone else- didn't you meet on a site for cheating- if that is the case I would imagine you are not the first or the last-he may be one of those men that needs "company" in every town he visits-

 

Yes. I did re-read and see how over the edge I was/am. I see it, im just trying to figure out

why im acting like this.

 

I'm assuming you are right, he probably did meet up with someone else. That makes it easier for me to realize that going NC was definitely the way to go. Not to mention all the other dangers that come with it.

[torn87]

I don't understand why people think having the affair come it is a way to help people. Sometimes knowing something is dangerous painful or stupid isn't enough to make you stop doing it, especially when there is an inherent problem driving you be it mental illness or unresolved issues. The best thing for her is to understand her need for attention and changing her pattern of thoughts. It sounds like she's already on her way to doing that so its not even like she needed an explosive reason to give her the extra push to go to therapy. Having the affair come to light either unexpectedly or on purpose will just throw more problems on top of what she's already dealing with and burying the problems she needs to really focus on. When's she's more stable she can discuss if and when the affair should be confessed, as much as it pisses some people off sometimes the BS finding out isn't always the best thing for them regardless of how unfair people think it is. It really is a case by case thing and right now I think her H finding out or being told about the affair would be the worst thing for nikki.

 

Nikki I think your doing great its very difficult to move on but just know the more energy time and thoughts you put into all you quick fixes just make you worse in the long run. Instead of thinking about the need to apologize think about what he should apologize to you for or better yet why you got involved with him in the first place. I think k always growing hit the nail on the head with challenging your process of thoughts. When you have the irrational feeling of rejection or to apologize or to contact someone else outside your marriage stop before you do anything and ask yourself what advice you would give a friend and how do you think they should feel about the situation. I find I give a lot of great advice but never listen to my own and I constantly make excuses for peoples behavior but am quick and judgmental with myself. This "take myself out of the box" method has helped me a lot. Good luck to you I hope you find the indivdual help you need and find happiness.

[DKT3]

I don't understand why people think having the affair come it is a way to help people. Sometimes knowing something is dangerous painful or stupid isn't enough to make you stop doing it, especially when there is an inherent problem driving you be it mental illness or unresolved issues. The best thing for her is to understand her need for attention and changing her pattern of thoughts. It sounds like she's already on her way to doing that so its not even like she needed an explosive reason to give her the extra push to go to therapy. Having the affair come to light either unexpectedly or on purpose will just throw more problems on top of what she's already dealing with and burying the problems she needs to really focus on. When's she's more stable she can discuss if and when the affair should be confessed, as much as it pisses some people off sometimes the BS finding out isn't always the best thing for them regardless of how unfair people think it is. It really is a case by case thing and right now I think her H finding out or being told about the affair would be the worst thing for nikki.

 

Nikki I think your doing great its very difficult to move on but just know the more energy time and thoughts you put into all you quick fixes just make you worse in the long run. Instead of thinking about the need to apologize think about what he should apologize to you for or better yet why you got involved with him in the first place. I think k always growing hit the nail on the head with challenging your process of thoughts. When you have the irrational feeling of rejection or to apologize or to contact someone else outside your marriage stop before you do anything and ask yourself what advice you would give a friend and how do you think they should feel about the situation. I find I give a lot of great advice but never listen to my own and I constantly make excuses for peoples behavior but am quick and judgmental with myself. This "take myself out of the box" method has helped me a lot. Good luck to you I hope you find the indivdual help you need and find happiness.

 

Not my intent to offend, but this is spoken like a true cheater.

 

Finding out your spouse is cheating isn't what caused the problem, cheating is what caused the problem. Having the BS find out makes it REAL and pulls most WS's right out of the FANTASY land were affairs thrive.

 

Its always best when the BS finds out. 1) everyone deserves to know who they are sleeping with. 2) everyone deserves to know what kind of relationship they are involved in 3) cheaters made their decision to cheat, the BS should be able to decide if its something they can or want to live with

[nikki76]

I met now xAP on an online dating site for married people. We met twice. Chatted almost everyday.

I deleted my account after we were chatting for a bit.

I went NC with him on Wednesday, (see my post below).

 

Well, for the heck of it....I rejoined with a different name and picture to see if I can find him and check if hes even active. Well..not even 5 minutes of having my account,

I get a message from him on the site, saying "lets chat and get to know each other"!!!

The kicker is...my profile pic is one that I had sent him but I cut my face off.

 

And he was active 4 days ago, which happens to be when he was in town here.

 

God, I feel so sick to my stomach. I am so angry with myself. not sad, AT ALL, anymore. I am SO glad I did this. I feel like a dirty whore now. Please excuse my language. What a wake up call!!

 

I want to message him back and say something to let him know its me.

I know, he doesnt owe me any kind of explanation. We are both cheats. But he always

told me if we were chatting with anyone else, we would tell each other.

 

There is no way in hell will I fall for his lines again. And to think I

wanted to apologize to him because I felt bad for going NC out of the blue.

[whichwayisup]

Use that anger to move past this and forget him.

[FusionCutter]

I met now xAP on an online dating site for married people. We met twice. Chatted almost everyday.

I deleted my account after we were chatting for a bit.

I went NC with him on Wednesday, (see my post below).

 

Well, for the heck of it....I rejoined with a different name and picture to see if I can find him and check if hes even active. Well..not even 5 minutes of having my account,

I get a message from him on the site, saying "lets chat and get to know each other"!!!

The kicker is...my profile pic is one that I had sent him but I cut my face off.

 

And he was active 4 days ago, which happens to be when he was in town here.

 

God, I feel so sick to my stomach. I am so angry with myself. not sad, AT ALL, anymore. I am SO glad I did this. I feel like a dirty whore now. Please excuse my language. What a wake up call!!

 

I want to message him back and say something to let him know its me.

I know, he doesnt owe me any kind of explanation. We are both cheats. But he always

told me if we were chatting with anyone else, we would tell each other.

 

There is no way in hell will I fall for his lines again. And to think I

wanted to apologize to him because I felt bad for going NC out of the blue.

 

I don't care about him, but why are you back on there?

[Poppy47]

Umm, Pot calling Kettle black perhaps?

[DKT3]

All this drama over a guy that you think is gross.

 

Nikki, I sorry but I don't think your going to get any "wake up calls" until your husband is throwing you out. Your so wrapped up in this, and you don't really want to stop. You just continue down this path. There will be a third AP, its just all so sad and your kids will pay the price.

 

I wish you luck, I just don't see much chance for any.

[Arieswoman]

nikki76,

Now let me get this right. You joined a site for cheats and made contact with a cheat and then cheated with him?

And now you are outraged because he isn't 'playing fair'?

 

*Newsflash* - de-derrrrrr !!

Cheats cheat and lie, it goes with the territory. If he had any scruples or sense of fair play he wouldn't be cheating.

 

There's a lesson to be learned here.

[FusionCutter]

Honestly, you feel "played" by this guy, some fling you met of a cheating website.... how do you think your husband will feel when he finds out you've been playing with his life and his marriage and knows the truth of what you are doing?

 

Can you empathize with him? How come you are behaving so incredibly selfishly?

[Ruffian1]

He has been with you twice. He is looking for new thrill.

 

 

Just consider the source . . .