I'm devastated and feeling unbelievable pain (Updated)

[Chin Up]

My impression is she's giving you space because she knows you're going to be thinking/feeling like you currently are. You're definitely not ready for any contact with her.

 

I wouldn't get my hopes up for reconciliation. I suspect she wonders how you are and would like to catch up on a platonic level, but knows you're going to be hurt and pissed off for a while, so she's waiting for a time she thinks would be more appropriate.

[HurtGator]

My impression is she's giving you space because she knows you're going to be thinking/feeling like you currently are. You're definitely not ready for any contact with her.

 

I wouldn't get my hopes up for reconciliation. I suspect she wonders how you are and would like to catch up on a platonic level, but knows you're going to be hurt and pissed off for a while, so she's waiting for a time she thinks would be more appropriate.

 

To be honest with you, I really hope we reconcile. It makes no sense to me that for two years she's completely into me and taking the relationship to very high levels to then just decide to drop me.

[xUnknown]

It seems like she was trying to make it look like to others that SHE was the one that made the call.

 

As the post above, it was her way of maintaining her dignity.

[Dobie]

That's funny. It makes it sound like she still believes she has some control and power over you.

 

Its exactly what my control freak x said when I challenged her why she had not reached out to me or my family to see how I was .

[HurtGator]

It seems like she was trying to make it look like to others that SHE was the one that made the call.

 

As the post above, it was her way of maintaining her dignity.

 

She did make the call. She broke up with me. Is that what you mean? What call are you referring to?

[Chin Up]

I get it, I do..I hoped the same thing for a while and still have no idea what prompted him end things, ..but as soon as I finally gave up hope, things got a LOT easier.

 

A month ago, if had received the same information as you..I would have been doing the same thing. "What does it mean!!?!?!?!!"

 

Truth is, it might not mean anything. Dumpers say all kinds of things without thinking about it. Like a chump, I broke NC and asked my ex if we could be friends (lol yeah-yeah, i know) and he seemed pretty stoked on the idea. He even thanked me for texting him! I was feeling pretty good..I had a foot in the door. YES! *fist pump*

 

Yeah, it was BS lol. I sent him a text a few weeks later and he ignored it. Some friend .

 

Tell your friends to stop informing you on what she's doing or saying. I know you're beyond curious as to what she's up to, but as you're learning...it doesn't make you feel better keeping tabs, it just confuses the hell out of you and makes you feel worse for knowing.

[HurtGator]

I get it, I do..I hoped the same thing for a while and still have no idea what prompted him end things, ..but as soon as I finally gave up hope, things got a LOT easier.

 

A month ago, if had received the same information as you..I would have been doing the same thing. "What does it mean!!?!?!?!!"

 

Truth is, it might not mean anything. Dumpers say all kinds of things without thinking about it. Like a chump, I broke NC and asked my ex if we could be friends (lol yeah-yeah, i know) and he seemed pretty stoked on the idea. He even thanked me for texting him! I was feeling pretty good..I had a foot in the door. YES! *fist pump*

 

Yeah, it was BS lol. I sent him a text a few weeks later and he ignored it. Some friend .

 

Tell your friends to stop informing you on what she's doing or saying. I know you're beyond curious as to what she's up to, but as you're learning...it doesn't make you feel better keeping tabs, it just confuses the hell out of you and makes you feel worse for knowing.

 

I understand what you mean. I'm not saying that my situation is unique in anyway from anyone else. However I feel so freaking conned during the entire two years of the relationship. She led me to believe that she was 100% committed into me and the relationship and that we were going to spend the rest of our lives together. Like I was saying in another thread, she was the one that wanted to get our families involved with each other... Because why not? Its practically a done and its just formality at this point. We were always taking about where to buy a house, how any kids to have, where to get married, etc. We were even sharing this info with our families. Then all of a sudden she started acting weird for three days then breaks up with me. Tells me i did nothing wrong and that her feelings changed. It really hurts to have invested so much into someone to just have then change their mind like that.

Edited December 11, 2014 by HurtGator

[Jimmyjackson]

I understand what you mean. I'm not saying that my situation is unique in anyway from anyone else. However I feel so freaking conned during the entire two years of the relationship. She led me to believe that she was 100% committed into me and the relationship and that we were going to spend the rest of our lives together. Like I was saying in another thread, she was the one that wanted to get our families involved with each other... Because why not? Its practically a done and its just formality at this point. We were always taking about where to buy a house, how any kids to have, where to get married, etc. We were even sharing this info with our families. Then all of a sudden she started acting weird for three days then breaks up with me. Tells me i did nothing wrong and that her feelings changed. It really hurts to have invested so much into someone to just have then change their mind like that.

 

Yeah it happens I'm afraid, I was like you asking all the questions and stuff at the start...sometimes I still do. Thing is you will only get half truths anyway so it's pointless and the only closure you'll get is by time healing you. She's done what my ex did, broke up with you and not kept in touch, a lot of dumpers keep in touch to feed their ego and keep you on the hook but she's actually leaving you be to move on which is good of her I guess.

 

I was pissed when my ex said her feelings changed but at the end of the day their feelings aren't chosen, they can't really help who they fall in and out of love with. Sure, you might contribute to her losing her feelings, you might not but one thing is certain it would've happened anyway.

 

Will she come back? who knows. Nobody on here can say she won't and they can't say she will either as nobody can predict the future. Your best bet is to move on, even though you don't want to (do you really have a choice?) IF, and that's a big if, anything was to happen in the future, it would be when you are both healed and moved on.

 

I know you're hurting and stuff but 3 months from now you'll think like me, you'll realise there's nothing you can do and accept it for what it is.

[HurtGator]

So I've posted a few threads on here explaining my situation. Today was the first day where I started thinking about how my relationship ended. For the first five weeks or so, I was miserable and completely broken. Even this morning I was very down, still questioning what the hell happened. I was "the perfect boyfriend" and did everything to try to make her happy but when she broke up with me, she told me that it had nothing to do with my actions and it was her feelings that changed. For weeks, I was trying to rationalize what the heck happened for her feelings to suddenly go from marriage, family, babies, house, "you are amazing!", "I am so lucky!", NON STOP FOR TWO YEARS, to all of a sudden be like "meeehh... I don't want you anymore." It really comes down to one thing: waning of the honeymoon phase. So near the end of our relationship, I'm very sure that she started becoming interested in someone else while our relationship was getting too familiar to her. This caused her to jump ship so that she can ride the new wave of honeymoon happiness.

 

This evening, I started to think: Is this the type of person I really want for long term? What happened to the appreciation, love, companionship, endearment, reliability, stability, etc.. that one would come to expect when the dust settles? She has non of those qualities. She is an idealistic person trying to live the Disney World life and as soon as this ride was coming to an end, she jumped on the next ride. I am so lucky she got off the ride now rather than later when the stakes were even higher -- I would have been royally screwed then!

 

She is emotionally unstable. Who in their right mind would throw away a relationship where her boyfriend was always taking care of her and always doing what is in the best interest of her and their relationship? Let's not forget that our families were pretty well invested into each other. Throughout the relationship, she saw in me a man that had a very stable career, fun, loving, polite, passionate, honest, intelligent, etc... but she thought it was best to ignore those qualities, that she vehemently professed to me and the world, because the butterfly feelings are gone. Is she nuts? While she thinks she made the right choice now to chase the next fling, she is definitely losing out here in the long term. One day she will come to this realization and try to get me back.

 

My head has pretty much cleared up! Now that I look back, I realize now I was dated a "child"... but what I need is a woman!

[Chatmonkey]

You are exactly right. This all comes down to maturity. Also, in my opinion, people often get confused with the 'butterfly' and new and exciting feeling they are experiencing for 'Love'

 

Glad you have got your head screwed on straight

[HurtGator]

You are exactly right. This all comes down to maturity. Also, in my opinion, people often get confused with the 'butterfly' and new and exciting feeling they are experiencing for 'Love'

 

Glad you have got your head screwed on straight

 

Thanks. I'm trying the best I can.

[HurtGator]

Yeah it happens I'm afraid, I was like you asking all the questions and stuff at the start...sometimes I still do. Thing is you will only get half truths anyway so it's pointless and the only closure you'll get is by time healing you. She's done what my ex did, broke up with you and not kept in touch, a lot of dumpers keep in touch to feed their ego and keep you on the hook but she's actually leaving you be to move on which is good of her I guess.

 

I was pissed when my ex said her feelings changed but at the end of the day their feelings aren't chosen, they can't really help who they fall in and out of love with. Sure, you might contribute to her losing her feelings, you might not but one thing is certain it would've happened anyway.

 

Will she come back? who knows. Nobody on here can say she won't and they can't say she will either as nobody can predict the future. Your best bet is to move on, even though you don't want to (do you really have a choice?) IF, and that's a big if, anything was to happen in the future, it would be when you are both healed and moved on.

 

I know you're hurting and stuff but 3 months from now you'll think like me, you'll realise there's nothing you can do and accept it for what it is.

 

She was driving plans with me acting like she was completely in love with me. But like I said before, she found someone else that is now giving her the new puppy love feelings. But I think love is a choice not a feeling.

[Jimmyjackson]

She was driving plans with me acting like she was completely in love with me. But like I said before, she found someone else that is now giving her the new puppy love feelings. But I think love is a choice not a feeling.

 

It's not a choice. You don't see someone and say "im going to chose to fall in love with that person"

 

If she has found someone new it's not love anyway, it's just infatuation as it's new and exciting.

[HurtGator]

It's not a choice. You don't see someone and say "im going to chose to fall in love with that person"

 

If she has found someone new it's not love anyway, it's just infatuation as it's new and exciting.

 

Love isn't just about feelings... because those feelings come and go throughout the relationship. Just like you said, when you meet someone new, its exciting and new and lustful... but that's not love. Love is when you decide to stick it out for the long run with someone through all the good and bad. If love was just about feelings, everyone would be broken up.

[Dave77]

Glad to see you are moving on

Another girl will appreciate what you are ready to do

 

You're not alone in that situation. After 1/2 years, when the "honeymoon period" is over, as you said, so many girls (or guys) just leave.

 

They don't feel the infatuation excitement anymore, they want to live that again. So as soon as they start to feel that for somebody else, they leave.

 

Is she going to regret ? Maybe, when in a few months she really understands that infatuation never lasts, and all the sacrifices you made.

Or maybe not, maybe she will find a nice guy, and she won't ever regret.

 

But you don't give a **** about that. She left, now you live for yourself, and you'll find somebody else.

 

Cheers man, you've been in serious pain, time to live again now !

Edited December 13, 2014 by Dave77

[Itspointless]

She is emotionally unstable. Who in their right mind would throw away a relationship where her boyfriend was always taking care of her and always doing what is in the best interest of her and their relationship? Let's not forget that our families were pretty well invested into each other. Throughout the relationship, she saw in me a man that had a very stable career, fun, loving, polite, passionate, honest, intelligent, etc... but she thought it was best to ignore those qualities, that she vehemently professed to me and the world, because the butterfly feelings are gone. Is she nuts? While she thinks she made the right choice now to chase the next fling, she is definitely losing out here in the long term. One day she will come to this realization and try to get me back.

Hey man, let me say that I am sorry for that she has hurt you. Your anger is healthy as it helps you. Still I have to reply to this, Having a change of mind does not make somebody emotionally unstable. To be fair I havent read all pages of this thread so I can have missed thing that would imply that.

She was driving plans with me acting like she was completely in love with me. But like I said before, she found someone else that is now giving her the new puppy love feelings. But I think love is a choice not a feeling.

No, love is a feeling as well as the concious choise to make an effort for another person and being there when that person needs it. You can feel love for different people, think for example of friends or family. The love for your partner is combined with feeling attrackted physicallly to that special other person. These things have to be mutual to call it a relation and calling it love.

Edited December 13, 2014 by Itspointless

[HurtGator]

Glad to see you are moving on

Another girl will appreciate what you are ready to do

 

You're not alone in that situation. After 1/2 years, when the "honeymoon period" is over, as you said, so many girls (or guys) just leave.

 

They don't feel the infatuation excitement anymore, they want to live that again. So as soon as they start to feel that for somebody else, they leave.

 

Is she going to regret ? Maybe, when in a few months she really understands that infatuation never lasts, and all the sacrifices you made.

Or maybe not, maybe she will find a nice guy, and she won't ever regret.

 

But you don't give a **** about that. She left, now you live for yourself, and you'll find somebody else.

 

Cheers man, you've been in serious pain, time to live again now !

 

Only time will tell I guess! But for sure she's already busy with the new guy.

[HurtGator]

Hey man, let me say that I am sorry for that she has hurt you. Your anger is healthy as it helps you. Still I have to reply to this, Having a change of mind does not make somebody emotionally unstable. To be fair I havent read all pages of this thread so I can have missed thing that would imply that.

 

No, love is a feeling as well as the concious choise to make an effort for another person and being there when that person needs it. You can feel love for different people, think for example of friends or family. The love for your partner is combined with feeling attrackted physicallly to that special other person. These things have to be mutual to call it a relation and calling it love.

 

I understand what you mean but live has to much more than physical attraction. Maybe what you're saying above if true to fall in love with someone initially. However, after that I think you choose it to stay in love or not because feelings and looks always change.

[Itspointless]

I understand what you mean but live has to much more than physical attraction. Maybe what you're saying above if true to fall in love with someone initially. However, after that I think you choose it to stay in love or not because feelings and looks always change.

I agree with you that love is much more than only physical attraction. But if it were only a logical decision, than love would be no more than just a mutual agreement for mutual benefits and that doesn't sound true to me either. I personally believe that the love partners experience consists of multiple elements/dimensions.

 

As for your ex and people I have known, they sometimes confuse the rush for the feeling of true love. A good relation in my view also consists of mutual work to make it work and being capable to critically view yourself.

[Fearful]

OP, Sorry for your pain. I am happy you made the right decision, I hope you will stick to it. Any way, I think you should be happy that your girl friend shows her real character two years into your courtship not 20years after marriage with children. She is emotionally Immature and selfish. Please don't waste your time debating on love theory with people who read only part of a part of your post. Focus on your healing process. Good luck.

[HurtGator]

I agree with you that love is much more than only physical attraction. But if it were only a logical decision, than love would be no more than just a mutual agreement for mutual benefits and that doesn't sound true to me either. I personally believe that the love partners experience consists of multiple elements/dimensions.

 

As for your ex and people I have known, they sometimes confuse the rush for the feeling of true love. A good relation in my view also consists of mutual work to make it work and being capable to critically view yourself.

 

That's right. And my exgf thinks that just because the rush is gone it means that the love is gone too.

[HurtGator]

It's still difficult for me to cope with this break up. For two years, I put in so much effort, time, energy, money, etc into it. The thing is, I wasn't chasing her, she lead me to believe the relationship was real and that encouraged me to continue putting in more into the relationship. I mean why shouldn't I? She was telling me all the things she should be telling me for someone who was serious, loyal, committed to a future marriage together, etc. We were constantly doing new things together, sharing new hobbies, always creating new memories. She was everything I ever wanted to a significant other! I was always excited to see her. I always tried to resolve fights or arguments between us as quickly as possible so that we can go back to being us and enjoying each others companies. But at the end of the day, she just pushed the eject button, just because her feelings changed, making all of this meaningless. I am having major trust issues right now. There were no warning signs or red flags she was like this. I can't afford to put in this much effort into someone else to have the same thing happen again to me.

[Itspointless]

It's still difficult for me to cope with this break up. For two years, I put in so much effort, time, energy, money, etc into it. The thing is, I wasn't chasing her, she lead me to believe the relationship was real and that encouraged me to continue putting in more into the relationship. I mean why shouldn't I? She was telling me all the things she should be telling me for someone who was serious, loyal, committed to a future marriage together, etc. We were constantly doing new things together, sharing new hobbies, always creating new memories. She was everything I ever wanted to a significant other! I was always excited to see her. I always tried to resolve fights or arguments between us as quickly as possible so that we can go back to being us and enjoying each others companies. But at the end of the day, she just pushed the eject button, just because her feelings changed, making all of this meaningless. I am having major trust issues right now. There were no warning signs or red flags she was like this. I can't afford to put in this much effort into someone else to have the same thing happen again to me.

I guess that is the risk we have to take if we want to find love again. It is hard, very hard If we do not manage we will become avoidant with others and we will hurt them.

[HurtGator]

My story is here:

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/breaks-breaking-up/504705-i-m-devastated-feeling-unbelievable-pain-updated

 

I can't seem to move on at all. The strong feelings of betrayal with knowing that there is a strong chance that she left me for someone else is just too much for me to handle. And to top it off we work at the same place. How can someone just drop someone else like that? I can't keep feeling like this.

[Kaya]

It's still very fresh for you - give it some time.

 

Betrayal is an awful feeling, but it will dissipate. You won't feel like this forever. Unfortunately people drop people all the time, it's happening to thousands right now as I type this..

 

Sometimes we find ourselves in positions that we just don't want to be in, that we have no control over, the only thing we can do is to accept our circumstances and pull our focus back towards ourselves. We can't argue with what is.

 

Take it one day at a time - be patient and gentle with yourself. You'll be okay!