My fiancée having doubts and changing her mind constantly

[raycody]

I got engaged to my fiancée in October of this year but she is having doubts already. She started off changing her mind about marrying me constantly. One week she didn't know if she wanted to get married to me and then another week she said she did want to marry me. Now, she wants to wait four years to get married but says she still isn't sure if she'll marry me but wants to wait four years to make up her mind. Right now, we're in a long-distance relationship and live across the country from each other. We originally wanted to get married in two years before she changed her mind. She's also hard to communicate with and gets mad and dodges any question or issue that comes up in our relationship and sometimes tries to break up for questioning anything. Despite these issues I still love her and want this to work but I fear she doesn't feel the same as I do about her. I worry about four years being too long to wait when she isn't sure she'll marry me and the fact that we have communication issues. Does anyone have any advice or experience with a situation like this? It's very confusing and hard to figure out.

[oldshirt]

If you are teenagers then I am on her side and you should wait. And you should also be prepared for the day she makes up her mind for good and the answer is no.

 

If you are full grown, educated adults with self supporting careers, then you should just take this as a no and move on. I suspect the real reason she wants 4 years is because she's so timid and spineless she thinks it will take her four years to come up with the strength to break up with you.

 

Here's the serious bottom line though, marriage is very hard work and very serious. You can only make it work if both people are completely on board and completely committed to it 100%.

 

She is obviously not on board and not committed to making it happen.

 

There is an old saying that says, "even if you chose not to decide, you still have made a choice." (Actually that was in a Rush song, but it was based off of old and very wise wisdom) What that means is her indecision is actually a choice and that choice is no.

 

When women get engaged to men they sincerely want to marry they become obsessed and completely focused on the wedding and you get them to talk about anything else.

 

This gal is putting it off until she can come up with backbone to break it off for good.

 

 

She is also likely holding out for a better offer from someone else but is keeping you holding on to hope as her back up.

[raycody]

If you are teenagers then I am on her side and you should wait. And you should also be prepared for the day she makes up her mind for good and the answer is no.

 

If you are full grown, educated adults with self supporting careers, then you should just take this as a no and move on. I suspect the real reason she wants 4 years is because she's so timid and spineless she thinks it will take her four years to come up with the strength to break up with you.

 

Here's the serious bottom line though, marriage is very hard work and very serious. You can only make it work if both people are completely on board and completely committed to it 100%.

 

She is obviously not on board and not committed to making it happen.

 

There is an old saying that says, "even if you chose not to decide, you still have made a choice." (Actually that was in a Rush song, but it was based off of old and very wise wisdom) What that means is her indecision is actually a choice and that choice is no.

 

When women get engaged to men they sincerely want to marry they become obsessed and completely focused on the wedding and you get them to talk about anything else.

 

This gal is putting it off until she can come up with backbone to break it off for good.

 

 

She is also likely holding out for a better offer from someone else but is keeping you holding on to hope as her back up.

 

Yeah, we're both in our mid-20s. I agree with your points. I've suspected that to be the case that she is holding out for someone else but is staying in the meantime until she finds someone else so she keeps pushing the wedding further and further out.

[beach]

Since she is hesitant then wait.

 

No need to rush if she isn't all in.

[oldshirt]

Yeah, we're both in our mid-20s. I agree with your points. I've suspected that to be the case that she is holding out for someone else but is staying in the meantime until she finds someone else so she keeps pushing the wedding further and further out.

 

Yep, I'm afraid she simply isn't the one.

 

She should have tactfully declined the proposal but lots of women get so wrapped up in getting a ring and showing it off to their friends and are in love with the thought of being engaged but are not really in love with the man.

 

It would've stung to have had a rejected proposal but it would've saved all this time and turmoil and would've save the money if you've paid any deposits on the wedding or bought anything for the wedding.

[oldshirt]

Some posters are going to come on here and advise you to give her an ultimatum that she either agree to the marriage by a certain date or call off the engagement.

 

I don't think that is a good idea. I think there is too much risk in her going along with it and marrying you out of pressure and duress and then having things go down the crapper after you have taken on legal and financial obligations and possibly even children.

 

I think you already have your answer here and should just gracefully exit stage-left. Come up with an exit strategy where you each can go on about your business with honor and no drama.

 

You haven't mentioned if she has a ring or not. In some jurisdictions the ring is considered property of the pending marriage. In many instances the ring is considered the mans pledge to marry or "deposit" if you will, and if he is the one to break the engagement she is allowed to keep it. If she were to break the engagement she is often required to return it.

 

This case is a little gray in that regards however for she has not been striving towards the marriage in good faith and has in fact been thwarting marriage plans and dates.

 

Some jurisdictions have actual criteria on what constitutes an actual engagement and many of those include actual plans and dates set. As she has refused to accept wedding dates and has thwarted repeated attempts to do so, a case can be made that you have not actually been engaged at all and you may have legal cause to have the ring returned.

[oldshirt]

My recommendation is to not call off the engagement per se but rather to ask for the return of the ring and put all marriage discussions on hold until she makes up her mind because as it stands right now you are not really as engaged as engagement is planning on and striving towards marriage and that state does not exist right now.

 

Once you have the ring back in your possession, let nature take it's course and let the relationship play out to its natural conclusion.

[whichwayisup]

I got engaged to my fiancée in October of this year but she is having doubts already. She started off changing her mind about marrying me constantly. One week she didn't know if she wanted to get married to me and then another week she said she did want to marry me. Now, she wants to wait four years to get married but says she still isn't sure if she'll marry me but wants to wait four years to make up her mind. Right now, we're in a long-distance relationship and live across the country from each other. We originally wanted to get married in two years before she changed her mind. She's also hard to communicate with and gets mad and dodges any question or issue that comes up in our relationship and sometimes tries to break up for questioning anything. Despite these issues I still love her and want this to work but I fear she doesn't feel the same as I do about her. I worry about four years being too long to wait when she isn't sure she'll marry me and the fact that we have communication issues. Does anyone have any advice or experience with a situation like this? It's very confusing and hard to figure out.

 

Maybe you two should go get some pre marital counseling and talk this out with a professional.

 

Either she really isn't ready for a serious life commitment, or ready to be a wife to you, and is still immature, wants to "live life" before settling down or she point blank doesn't want to marry you but is too afraid to end it.

 

Once you do counseling together, then talk and see how she feels.

 

Better to know now than for you to waste 4 years waiting for someone who isn't ready or isn't sure she wants to marry you. It would really f'ing suck if you waited and then she takes off with someone else down the road.

 

Put it all on hold, tell her to not wear the ring (if she is wearing it) and put it away somewhere safe.

Edited December 5, 2014 by whichwayisup