emotionally frozen or just not attracted to many men?

[genuinelyloverly7]

I know that this could be viewed as another manifestation of the endlessly debated question of how do we know if someone is right for us, but bear with me please.

 

Considering my past issues with being in a self protective cycle of emotionally frozen withdrawal from others, I worry that I cannot feel 'attached' to someone any more. I can cry and laugh in response to the sad or redeeming pics and videos on FB/Pinterest, and I can get very angry for the abuse I see others experiencing around me, but for myself and my own issues, I am just empty. It's like I am exhausted, or don't care. But that feeling of non-connectedness with my daily life is scary- I feel so isolated from my reason for being! This isn't directly tied to my romantic relationships or lack thereof, but that is a part of it.

 

I have dated a few men in the recent past, who I thought were attractive and nice, but not … WOW, if you know what I mean. I am not talking about physically, really. But trying to date beyond our attraction is tricky. Your betting that the attraction will grow, and your using the other persons emotions as your bank roll. This applies to both physical and emotional attraction.

 

I AM talking about the spark, the rush, of meeting a new possibility, a potential for romance. I have not felt that for anyone I have met in over 6 months now. And when I do it all seems so… pointless, sometimes, because I live in a place with very few men who hold the same beliefs and ideals I do, apparently. So even when I do see someone I am physically/initially attracted to, I know the likelihood of him having the same beliefs/lifestyle I do is remote. As a 35 year old Goddess-worshipping eco-warrior in Texas, dating isn't easy! But can it really be just that? Do I need to travel to Austin/San Francisco/urban mecca's to date? Do I need to look for people with less in common and try to find ways to compromise with them? (To clarify I do travel to the nearest large city to socialize, and even there it's tough going…)

 

Thanks for any input, support, tips, or lambasts with good intentions.

[carhill]

Personally, I wouldn't nail the coffin shut at six months. I'm going on five years since my D and still don't believe anything is forever. Forever is a bunch of todays strung together. Today is here and tomorrow is unknown.

 

If you want to go to Austin or San Antonio to date, do that. Heck, I saw a lot of potential dates at one simple open air market in New Braunfels. My bet is it'll work out.

[genuinelyloverly7]

thanks Carhill.

[Thegreatestthing]

Dating online makes it incredibly easy to find like minded people,just set your interests,though I've found as a spiritual person quite a lot of guys are put off by it,so yes it's hard.

 

As for being unable to connect. That happens to everyone,love always takes courage when you meet someone you are crazy about you will defrost a bit ,

Because the thought of losing them will conquer the fear,I have to say I'm pretty protective myself,you just have to surrender to it or hope that they are very very patient.

 

I know that this could be viewed as another manifestation of the endlessly debated question of how do we know if someone is right for us, but bear with me please.

 

Considering my past issues with being in a self protective cycle of emotionally frozen withdrawal from others, I worry that I cannot feel 'attached' to someone any more. I can cry and laugh in response to the sad or redeeming pics and videos on FB/Pinterest, and I can get very angry for the abuse I see others experiencing around me, but for myself and my own issues, I am just empty. It's like I am exhausted, or don't care. But that feeling of non-connectedness with my daily life is scary- I feel so isolated from my reason for being! This isn't directly tied to my romantic relationships or lack thereof, but that is a part of it.

 

I have dated a few men in the recent past, who I thought were attractive and nice, but not … WOW, if you know what I mean. I am not talking about physically, really. But trying to date beyond our attraction is tricky. Your betting that the attraction will grow, and your using the other persons emotions as your bank roll. This applies to both physical and emotional attraction.

 

I AM talking about the spark, the rush, of meeting a new possibility, a potential for romance. I have not felt that for anyone I have met in over 6 months now. And when I do it all seems so… pointless, sometimes, because I live in a place with very few men who hold the same beliefs and ideals I do, apparently. So even when I do see someone I am physically/initially attracted to, I know the likelihood of him having the same beliefs/lifestyle I do is remote. As a 35 year old Goddess-worshipping eco-warrior in Texas, dating isn't easy! But can it really be just that? Do I need to travel to Austin/San Francisco/urban mecca's to date? Do I need to look for people with less in common and try to find ways to compromise with them? (To clarify I do travel to the nearest large city to socialize, and even there it's tough going…)

 

Thanks for any input, support, tips, or lambasts with good intentions.

[StalwartMind]

I believe it's entirely possible to become fatigued with anything in life, including your desire to remotely care about personal emotions and issues. There can be many reasons as to why this you find yourself in this personal state but it's not the first time I've heard someone with a lack to care about oneself or others. I'm sure some would see this as negative state to be in, but it's unfair to judge without really knowing what could possibly of triggered it.

 

In regards with having to lower/compromise your standards in order to find someone whom is right for you, that really depends on you. We all have different expectations and requirement when it comes to friends, family, relationships etc. The longer your checklist is of an ideal partner, naturally the harder it's going to be to find someone suitable. Having patience is as they say a virtue, but even patience can be found on many different levels. One person is willing to put in tremendous amount of effort whereas another just expect everything to be flawless from the start.

 

I feel a lot of people are obsessing over values that easily can set them up for disappointment. Many will disregard a partner purely based on look, despite they are compatible in every other way. Others will disregard a partner over personal bias, social status, job, wealth, pet, hobby, car, etc. Now that's fine that some are like that, whatever you want is what you should pursue. However it does not leave much open room if you have a very specific type of person in mind.

 

I could not dream of limiting myself like that when it comes to finding friends or a partner/life-mate. I'm also of the opinion that anyone with a healthy mindset and open mind has the potential to be something really meaningful to you. I get it's vital to some people that there are instant sparks and chemistry when you first meet, however like others know too, sometimes those things grow over time. If you can see potential in someone and you have established they have really sound core values, then there is literally nothing stopping you from making that the best friendship/relationship in the world. I often wonder what people whom have a very limited view on life and things do, when they've either accomplished their goals or get stuck. Do you just sit and blame others or the world, because that seems extremely illogical and to some degree childish.

 

The most exciting things in my life have always happened because the people I've been involved with have been open to ideas and shared similar views. There is nothing stopping anyone from constantly improving their relationship with a partner they've been with for years. I think creative and open minded people in general just benefit from the idea that anything is possible. The more you get stuck in things having to be in X and Y way, the less you are welcoming pleasant surprises.

 

Now I'll stop myself before going on a complete rambling spree but really, the only limit is yourself. Sometimes all it takes, is someone else input on a situation to get you moving in the right direction. There is nothing wrong with feeling how you do, not saying you thought so, but things are only as complex as we make them to be. Who knows what waits around the corner for you, that might completely turn your life upside/down in a very positive and influential way. I very much commend you for being aware of what you are feeling, even if it's perhaps not the state you desire to be in. If you want or believe things can change, then you are damn right, they most certainly can.

[me85]

I'm emotionally frozen. I also live somewhere where there's nothing going on and there's not a singles scene.

[genuinelyloverly7]

@thegreatestthing-yes, online dating makes it easier. I just got off that merry-go-round a while ago, because I just end up feeling like I have to reject a bunch of men that way. You know the ones, who are dense/persistent, or the ones who just want companionship so they reach out to anyone who seems nice.

 

Yeah, I did feel a little tingle for the gentleman who was so nice, so I was reassured by that- I just also felt like he had some things he needed to work on, as did I. I actually related in certain moments to the phrase (which I never understood until then) 'I love you but I'm not in love with you'. I love that guy as a friend and lover. But not as a life-partner. And while it felt good to feel that, It just deepened my feeling of never being in love again… I'm sure part of this semi-existential crisis is coming from the fact that I recently turned 35...

 

 

@StawartMind- I went through almost 14 years of abuse thinking that I was 'being flexible' so I will admit I don't really feel like I have a good grip on how to balance the flexibility of compromise with the standing up for ones personal viewpoint and beliefs. I have historically just given in. But that pattern is gone. It was from the moment I left my ex. Only I don't have everything I need to replace it with something more healthy just yet. I am working on building that, though. All in good time.

 

me85- thanks for the moral support. We are not alone!

 

Thanks to you all.

Edited December 5, 2014 by genuinelyloverly7
added a thanks.

[FitChick]

There are plenty of Californians who have moved to Texas, many to Austin. Look there. I know how you feel, though, because I had a brief look at Texas men when I first joined Match and was very disappointed. Nothing in common. I have more in common with British guys. Also, Texas just doesn't appeal to me as a place to live -- although they have a very nice airport in Dallas-Ft. Worth if you get stuck there.