Guy won't stop making advances to my girlfriend [Update: Resolved and now engaged]

[No Limit]

Sounds like emotional affair. Guess after 7 years she wants to try other men. Sorry OP.

[sonny357]

And I am not paranoid. I think alot and analyze everything, but I am not paranoid.

 

Never had any red flags in 7 years. This stuff is new. And my gut feeling tells me this is not right.

[Raena]

Last night, I woke up to go peeing. It was past midnight and she was still in the living room on her computer.

 

I made absolutely no noise at all and could see that she was browsing through his facebook pictures - shirtless pics, selfies, name it. I watched her for a few seconds and then I threw something near our bedroom door. She quickly switched windows and opened a random page. I went to the bathroom and went back to bed.

 

This is quite a red flag.

 

And she doesn't want to get married. She said she don't get the point of being married. I wanted to marry her but she told me not to ask her. I respect her choice.

 

There are two red flags here. One is that she is now hiding her activities regarding this man and two is that she doesn't want to marry you.

 

Not just that she doesn't want to get married, but doesn't see the point. I know not every girl is secretly desiring to get married, but if you have a child together and another on the way, you'd think that would make her at least consider it. Perhaps there is another reason she doesn't want to get married?

 

As for her browsing his pics/profile late at night while you are lying in bed in the other room... and then hiding it real quick when she thinks you might be coming? Yes, that's not just a red flag, that a damn banner flapping in your face.

[NateGrey]

Yep OP you need to nip this in the butt, this is an emotional affair, you basically have to tell her he has to go. One thing I did not mention in the other thread was about her response to you saying you would kick his ass. Her responding saying "you would not be able to, he is so strong" says a lot.

 

I do not condone violence, but I can't help but wonder why this girl chose to express this in a way that brings this guy up while putting you down. Basically saying "yeah this guy is stronger then you are". What kind of GF says that? That is weird to me, that her response is just to put him on a pedestal "oh no he is so strong". Why not just say something like "no risking going to jail is not worth it" or "act like an adult, be the better man". Why did she have to point out he was stronger then you? I don't know, I just took issue with that.

 

You might think all that seems trivial, but if you're looking for evidence of an emotional affair sometimes even the little things can tell you a lot.

[sonny357]

MAJOR UPDATE

 

I would not leave someone just for the beginning of an internet emotional affair, I would try to work it out. But now, I think it's getting at another level. I just can't trust what might happen.

 

She is at work right now.

 

I heard a phone notification sound coming from the bedroom. My phone's in my pocket. Found it. It's coming from a drawer. What a surprise, this is her phone.

 

Yes, I snooped like a mother****er.

 

Well, she just received a facebook event invitation from the guy! Dinner for two on Tuesday. Nice restaurant. Only two guests, him and my girl. And the text "Here's a reminder in case you forgot babe can't wait to see you after all this time xxxxxx"

 

I check out the calendar she uses to write down her planned work shifts. Surprise, there's an alleged work shift scheduled on Tuesday evening.

 

I remember her saying that she will work the evening shift on Tuesday. At first I thought this was weird because she never works during the evening. It raised a flag last week when she told me that. Also there is no location written down. She works in different buildings so she always write down the location and building name. But none in the case.

 

I am currently boiling as ****. I feel so ****ing sick in the stomach right now. This is the worst thing I ever imagined. How are you supposed to trust people when they do stupid **** like this???

[Molly Hooper]

This is grossly disrespectful to you.

It is not unreasonable for you to ask her to stop. Look at who you're turning into. You have to sneak around and make sounds in your own house just to see if she is being honest or not.

 

It isn't healthy.

 

If she can't stop - if she can't put you and your relationship before this emotional affair, then you may as well end it. Otherwise, you're going to turn into a crazy person.

 

*Edit* - I wrote this before your last post

[Molly Hooper]

Well, she just received a facebook event invitation from the guy! Dinner for two on Tuesday. Nice restaurant. Only two guests, him and my girl. And the text "Here's a reminder in case you forgot babe can't wait to see you after all this time xxxxxx"

 

I am currently boiling as ****. I feel so ****ing sick in the stomach right now. This is the worst thing I ever imagined. How are you supposed to trust people when they do stupid **** like this???

 

You need to confront her about this now.

or alternatively confront her after she actually goes so that she can't talk her way out of it - but ultimately, what do you want? Is this a nail in the coffin? Or would you still like to resolve things with her? Your next move is probably partially dependent on that.

[somedude81]

sonny357, what do you want from her?

 

Seven years together, living together, have one kid with another on the way. To her it's like she has all the benefits of marriage, and none of the restrictions.

[JS84]

Dude you need to shut this **** down NOW.

[lolablue17]

My dramatic personality would lead me (If i was in your situation) to show up in that restaurant and wait for them. Why? because the conversation after that will be at better terms for me instead of confronting her before and hear a lot of crap that "it's nothing, i didn't mean to go", or " i was going to tell you as soon as possible".

 

The trauma of seeing you there can bring her back to course, while confronting her might just cause her to hide it better.

[NJ123]

My God man. Why do all these threads always end up so ****ing depressing. I swear this forum is poison for the mind. It seems every time I hope for a happy outcome, it ALWAYS turns out with the worst possible outcome. Why?!

[NJ123]

My dramatic personality would lead me (If i was in your situation) to show up in that restaurant and wait for them. Why? because the conversation after that will be at better terms for me instead of confronting her before and hear a lot of crap that "it's nothing, i didn't mean to go", or " i was going to tell you as soon as possible".

 

The trauma of seeing you there can bring her back to course, while confronting her might just cause her to hide it better.

 

Yeah, this. He should show up at the same restaurant & confront her there. Or let her make sure she sees him with certainty without him even saying anything to her. I'd love to know what her reaction would be if she just sees him sitting nearby in the same place she's at with this other guy. It's a shame though that this is what she's doing. It seriously seems like no one can stay faithful anymore. It's just so sick.

Edited December 6, 2014 by NJ123

[SincereOnlineGuy]

Yeah, this. He should show up at the same restaurant & confront her there.

 

 

 

Didn't we used to see this in an old comic book???

 

 

An ad for Charles Atlas, was it??

[Friskyone4u]

Shut it down asap. But concentrate on your girlfriend. She is the problem. She could have shut this down anytime she wants to . He just wants to get laid.

You wrath and anger and action should be directed to her

[NJ123]

Shut it down asap. But concentrate on your girlfriend. She is the problem. She could have shut this down anytime she wants to . He just wants to get laid.

You wrath and anger and action should be directed to her

 

Well, if she's going to cheat she's going to find a way to no matter what. Even if he tries to stop her, she'll just do it behind his back anyway. Their relationship is already screwed since at this very moment she's going to go to this restaurant to meet this other guy. If it was me I'd show up there & sit in clear view of her to make her feel so awkward. I wouldn't even approach her. I'd just love to see her reaction & what she'd do. Most likely she'll turn it around on the OP & blame him for everything.

[whichwayisup]

She's using him as an ego boost. But, in the process is doing something disrespectful to you.

 

She asked me "Are you self-confident?" I said yes. Then she told me "I am living with you, not him".

 

She needs to delete him.

 

Ask her how she would feel if a girl from your past added you on fb and started sending sexy messages with xoxox and sweet notes attached, and openly flirting with you. My guess is, she would get upset and feel hurt/jealous.

[whichwayisup]

MAJOR UPDATE

 

I would not leave someone just for the beginning of an internet emotional affair, I would try to work it out. But now, I think it's getting at another level. I just can't trust what might happen.

 

She is at work right now.

 

I heard a phone notification sound coming from the bedroom. My phone's in my pocket. Found it. It's coming from a drawer. What a surprise, this is her phone.

 

Yes, I snooped like a mother****er.

 

Well, she just received a facebook event invitation from the guy! Dinner for two on Tuesday. Nice restaurant. Only two guests, him and my girl. And the text "Here's a reminder in case you forgot babe can't wait to see you after all this time xxxxxx"

 

I check out the calendar she uses to write down her planned work shifts. Surprise, there's an alleged work shift scheduled on Tuesday evening.

 

I remember her saying that she will work the evening shift on Tuesday. At first I thought this was weird because she never works during the evening. It raised a flag last week when she told me that. Also there is no location written down. She works in different buildings so she always write down the location and building name. But none in the case.

 

I am currently boiling as ****. I feel so ****ing sick in the stomach right now. This is the worst thing I ever imagined. How are you supposed to trust people when they do stupid **** like this???

 

Time to confront her and put everything on the table. What she is doing is WRONG and she's hiding stuff and lying to you.

 

Sadly I hate to say it but you said she's pregnant ... Are you sure it's yours?

[whichwayisup]

Shut it down asap. But concentrate on your girlfriend. She is the problem. She could have shut this down anytime she wants to . He just wants to get laid.

You wrath and anger and action should be directed to her

 

I agree with this. Chances are, she's greatly exaggerated your relationship to him to make it look like you're the one treating her poorly, saying negative things and even possibly re writing your history together...To manipulate this guy and also to justify in her own mind on what she's doing.

 

Yeah he's a pig and is in it for himself. Don't focus on him, it's her who is hurting you, it's her who is not acting like the woman you fell in love with.

[Clay]

Well its clear she is planning on physically cheating on you. I agree with the others you have to put a stop to this now or your relationship is over with. I would read up on 180 and start doing that. I hate to say it but it might be time to consider ending this relationship if she wont stop seeing the OM.

 

 

Sorry you are going through it but at least you are dealing with it.

Most people don't find out until long after it is happens.

 

 

Clay

[PogoStick]

Not only that, she can bang him without fear of getting pregnant

[No Limit]

Be aware OP that a confrontation won't stop her from seeing him, only make her more careful about how she does it in the future. This affair-urge got started, and I promise you she won't forget about it until she gets to experience what she's fantasising about all this time.

 

If I were you I'd tell her you know, and leave her, even if it's just a "break" from the relationship. Also, see what other girls are out there as well.

 

Sounds like highschool-jealousy-tactic to you? Well analyzed, because that is probably the only method that MIGHT work on her - she could also do a turn for the worst and become the type of single mother that screws everything male in sight.

Which also isn't good - STDs are very dangerous for babies, even those in developement - but you can't prevent her from acting this way.

 

By the way, get paternity tests. Don't sign any birth certificate without that test.

[Chemist]

I am a fan of meeting them both at the restaurant. Liars gonna lie, and if you catch them red handed, no way to get out of it. It is the best way to confront...

 

Sorry about this mess man. It is possible she wants to put the shut down carefully, in person, and maybe test if they can be just friends, but unlikely. In either case, if she is looking to cheat or not, she is lying to you and breaking trust. Grounds to can. Single mom with kids aren't so good at finding legitimate boy friends. Usually dudes who just want to bang... her life, her choice to **** it all up. You move on, find something better.

[TobyBoy]

I'm the type that would like to know how far a person is willing to go to cheat and lie.

Does your girlfriend drive her own car? Come Tuesday, disable her car so it don't run and offer to drive her to work. Tell her you will pick her up when she's done.

 

If she doesn't drive, tell her before she leaves "to work" that you might stop by her work and take her some dinner since she's working late.

 

Or let her go on her date. You show up at the restaurant with all her ***** in hefty bags and put them in her car. From the parking lot send her a text saying "don't bother coming home, hope you and douchbag have a happy life together."

[SycamoreCircle]

OP, I am so sorry. This is one of the most real-time degenerative threads I've ever read. It reminds me a little of my experience.

 

I don't agree with showing up at the restaurant.

 

Clearly your gf doesn't care if you know what she's up to. She has made no attempts to conceal the affair. She seems to enjoy provoking you. The guy appears to enjoy provoking you. When you show up at the restaurant and they're dewily gazing at each other, you will be adequately provoked. In fact, I might posit that the more you meddle in this, the stronger their bond becomes.

 

This reeks of Narcissism. People who can't/won't consider other people's feelings. People who live in a fantastical haze, self-serving and emotionally regressed.

 

She is going to do what she is going to do. Unless you chain her to a radiator this is going to play out as she wills. If you chain her to a radiator, she'll accuse you of emotional blackmail. I've no doubt she's already blackening you, at least in her f-ed up inner monologue.

 

I'm sorry I can't give you preventive advice. You might consider taking steps to document the affair. For the sake of custody of your kids. But you're not married. I don't know the ins and outs of that sort of thing.

 

I don't believe ultimatums are going to work in this situation.

 

Brace yourself and prepare for the worst.

 

Sorry...

[elaine567]

MAJOR UPDATE

 

I would not leave someone just for the beginning of an internet emotional affair, I would try to work it out. But now, I think it's getting at another level. I just can't trust what might happen.

 

She is at work right now.

 

I heard a phone notification sound coming from the bedroom. My phone's in my pocket. Found it. It's coming from a drawer. What a surprise, this is her phone.

 

Yes, I snooped like a mother****er.

 

Well, she just received a facebook event invitation from the guy! Dinner for two on Tuesday. Nice restaurant. Only two guests, him and my girl. And the text "Here's a reminder in case you forgot babe can't wait to see you after all this time xxxxxx"

 

I check out the calendar she uses to write down her planned work shifts. Surprise, there's an alleged work shift scheduled on Tuesday evening.

 

I remember her saying that she will work the evening shift on Tuesday. At first I thought this was weird because she never works during the evening. It raised a flag last week when she told me that. Also there is no location written down. She works in different buildings so she always write down the location and building name. But none in the case.

 

I am currently boiling as ****. I feel so ****ing sick in the stomach right now. This is the worst thing I ever imagined. How are you supposed to trust people when they do stupid **** like this???

 

You need to be clever here and not go ruining real evidence by messing it up.

She may not even go, she may have been asked to work an evening shift. She may have no intention of going, he is just assuming she said yes, as that seems to be his style.

If they went about in the same crowd, maybe she is just curious to catch up. Seems a dreadful way to end a marriage and ruin your kids lives if there is genuinely nothing in it on her part.

 

If you can afford it, a PI would be helpful here.