Guy won't stop making advances to my girlfriend [Update: Resolved and now engaged]

[Danda]

I'm very introverted.

 

We get bored and lonely, too.

 

She has no friends and pretty much never goes out to do fun stuff for herself? Just work and a stay at home mother 24/7?

 

Yikes.

 

My guess is that she is not actually interested in this guy. He sounds ****ing crazy and creepy, to be honest. It's probably just the excitement of new social interaction and flirting and so on.

 

How often do you take her out on dates and stuff, just show her a good romantic time?

 

Anyway there are two possibilities here:

 

1. She's secretly planning to meet him. That will suck hardcore because if it's the case, she should have spoken up about this to you, voiced her needs and given you a chance to help improve things. That will just suck all around and I'll have no advice for you at that point, way beyond my ability to advise.

 

2. Mr Creepy Crazy Meathead Man is well, creepy and crazy and saying delusional ****. He told her that she would like something sexual from him, even though she said no. It wouldn't surprise me if he is telling her that she's going to have a date with him. *twilight zone music*

 

I know it'll be hard but you should play it cool and keep quiet, and then actually check her work place on Tuesday. Normally I wouldn't condone such stalkerish behavior, but she is disrespecting you. I do consider this situation her fault 100%. So I personally give one free pass for a stalkerish adventure.

 

THEN you will know how best to approach. If you approach now she can deny it with a mountain of plausible deniability if she did intend to meet him. You will probably go crazy by the end of the conversation.

 

If she IS at work then you know the conversation needs to be about how she needs to respect your feelings (and protect her safety, good lord) and stop this whole thing. You can do it calmly but assertively and call her out on not respecting you and your feelings and her to explain why she's being that way, and take it from there.

 

If she is NOT at work I hope other people here can help you out.

[sonny357]

I want to thank you all for your replies and opinion on this problem. It helps me analyzing this whole situation.

 

I'm still giving her benefit of the doubt so here's what I'm planning to do :

 

Monday, I'll ask her which building she's working at. Sometimes, she says "I don,t know yet, just call me on my phone instead). But I'll ask her again.

 

Tuesday, I'll call her at work (I know the numbers for the different buildings) and ask for her. If she's not there, I'll call her phone to see if she's really at work. I'll ask her which building shes at. If it sounds like bull****, I'll drive there to see if her car is in the parking lot.

 

If I can't find it, I'll drive by the restaurant and try to find her car (and his, because I've seen pics of it on facebook). I'll snap a few pictures in case...

 

I might even wait till they get out and see what happen. Her alleged work shift is 5 to 2 in the morning. Quite an unusual shift.

 

I'll see for myself on tuesday and act like nothing is going on.

 

Thank you

[TobyBoy]

I want to thank you all for your replies and opinion on this problem. It helps me analyzing this whole situation.

 

I'm still giving her benefit of the doubt so here's what I'm planning to do :

 

Monday, I'll ask her which building she's working at. Sometimes, she says "I don,t know yet, just call me on my phone instead). But I'll ask her again.

 

Tuesday, I'll call her at work (I know the numbers for the different buildings) and ask for her. If she's not there, I'll call her phone to see if she's really at work. I'll ask her which building shes at. If it sounds like bull****, I'll drive there to see if her car is in the parking lot.

 

If I can't find it, I'll drive by the restaurant and try to find her car (and his, because I've seen pics of it on facebook). I'll snap a few pictures in case...

 

I might even wait till they get out and see what happen. Her alleged work shift is 5 to 2 in the morning. Quite an unusual shift.

 

I'll see for myself on tuesday and act like nothing is going on.

 

Thank you

Problem with this is that you know that this is a bull***** shift. She might go to her work place and park there then get picked up for her date.

I would just track her movements. Have a friend tail her when she leaves the house and to keep you informed. Or just track her phone.

[TobyBoy]

Forgot to add. Odds are that their plans will change last minute. After she leaves, she will not answer her phone nor will she return texts. She'll probably will turn her phone off. That's why you need to have someone follow her, or you'll never get the truth.

Oh, and expect an argument before the big date. This is how cheaters work. And that's what will use as her excuse for not calling nor texting.

[lolablue17]

Forgot to add. Odds are that their plans will change last minute. After she leaves, she will not answer her phone nor will she return texts. She'll probably will turn her phone off. That's why you need to have someone follow her, or you'll never get the truth.

Oh, and expect an argument before the big date. This is how cheaters work. And that's what will use as her excuse for not calling nor texting.

 

I agree!

 

1. You need to follow her movement, she might get picked or take a Taxi. And don't ask her too much about which building, because she'll get alerted and think "why is he asking, maybe he suspects". just let her do what she's doing and have her being followed.

 

2. Why not interrupting in the beginning of the date? The shock will be at maximum, rather than showing up in the end at the parking after they're finished, which you just looked pathetic... "They had fun and the poor miserable jealous hubby is suffering outside in the dark".

 

Be a winner. interrupt in the beginning, embarrass them, and destroy their evening before it began.

[Molly Hooper]

And don't ask her too much about which building, because she'll get alerted and think "why is he asking, maybe he suspects". just let her do what she's doing and have her being followed.

 

Why not interrupting in the beginning of the date? The shock will be at maximum, rather than showing up in the end at the parking after they're finished, which you just looked pathetic... "They had fun and the poor miserable jealous hubby is suffering outside in the dark".

 

Be a winner. interrupt in the beginning, embarrass them, and destroy their evening before it began.

 

Agreed to all of this.

 

You're getting tripped up in the smaller lie by continuing to ask which building - and it will definitely tip her off. She's already lying to you. You don't need to try to keep catching her in the lie of which building. Focus on the whole another-guy-is-going-on-a-date-with-your-girlfriend part.

[lolablue17]

Agreed to all of this.

 

You're getting tripped up in the smaller lie by continuing to ask which building - and it will definitely tip her off. She's already lying to you. You don't need to try to keep catching her in the lie of which building. Focus on the whole another-guy-is-going-on-a-date-with-your-girlfriend part.

 

Agree!

 

Now OP...

 

You know, and she knows that if she's been honest and told you she wants to meet him, and asked you if it's OK with you, or if you're concerned... If she has taken the right way, you might have supported her meeting him, and no secrecy was needed.

 

But she chose deception. She might tell you, it's all your fault, that she didn't cheat or mean to cheat, just to catch up with this friend, but you with your unreasonable jealousy and your obsession about it made her not telling you.

 

Be prepared for that. A married woman who is going to dinner with a male friend and lying to her husband telling him she's at work - is a 100% cheater!! it doesn't matter if it's sex or not. it's a violation of trust and violation of all what marriage is about.

Edited December 6, 2014 by lolablue17

[Man Mountain Makino]

I want to thank you all for your replies and opinion on this problem. It helps me analyzing this whole situation.

 

I'm still giving her benefit of the doubt so here's what I'm planning to do :

 

Monday, I'll ask her which building she's working at. Sometimes, she says "I don,t know yet, just call me on my phone instead). But I'll ask her again.

 

Tuesday, I'll call her at work (I know the numbers for the different buildings) and ask for her. If she's not there, I'll call her phone to see if she's really at work. I'll ask her which building shes at. If it sounds like bull****, I'll drive there to see if her car is in the parking lot.

What are you trying to prove? Don't ask about the building on Monday. You know she's likely lying to you, this just tips her off that you're on to her.

 

On Tuesday, get a friend to tail her. You know the location and the time of their date, so even if she goes to her office and parks, stick with it and see if she takes a cab or gets picked up. My guess is that she will go directly to the date location before date time.

 

All you need to know for sure is if she sees him for their date. Once you know, the only material thing left is if they have sex - have your friend stick around to see if she leaves with him.

 

Or best, hire a PI to tail her at the date time and see what she does. Probably the best plan. Not cheat, but the best way to know for sure.

 

Once you know they consummated their relationship, play it cool. The next day, just tell her you know everything and she's been very disrespectful to you. She's not your wife, and you can't separate her from her baby, so either you leave, or you throw both preggers galpal and baby out. The former is probably better.

 

Don't believe a syllable she says during this drama. It's a lie, or an exaggeration to calm you down.

 

Don't confront muscleboy - if she wants him to make love to her, fine - she's his problem from then on. I have a strict "You bang her, you bought her" policy.

[Marshal]

Whatever your plan is it needs to stop whatever it is they're planning. Waiting for her to slip up may backfire on you, she may be unfaithful, return home and they'll be nothing you can do to prove she's been unfaithful, bringing up the evidence you've gathered then will not carry any weight because she'll obviously play it out as an innocent get together and you'll be the jealous, insecure boyfriend and you won't be able to prove anything. If she's not at work from the time leading to 2am which is most likely, she's definitely planning more than dinner at a restaurant.

 

Remember they're still communicating even after the evidence you've found so plans and venues can change, what I have said is this post is just trying to help you better YOUR plan.

 

I would just confront her with the proof I have found and say to her "You'll tell me I'm being jealous and insecure, but why is this secret get together exactly on the day of your unusual work shift, don't you think it's inappropriate to be having a secret meeting with a another man, let alone one I've told you I'm uncomfortable with?." In these situations you have to accept that things are most likely what you expect they are and you have to see if she'll choose this guy over you, it may not be what you want, but if she chooses to still ignore your feelings and disrespect you then you have to face the bigger problem, Why doesn't she care what you feel if she loves you?

[Keke1]

What are you all telling this guy to do? This is crazy. Involve someone else in his business? This whole thing can go terribly wrong. Guns, fight, jail or missed time from work. Worst is death. Don't confront this guy. Your girlfriend is the problem. You can't stand what's going on. You've already told her you aren't and she basically said so what lol deal with it. Leave man. Please leave now and make provisions about the kids.

 

1 question to OP if you wanted to get married and she didn't. Why continue and get her pregnant? You both obviously were/are on two separate wavelengths.

 

The relationship is changed forever. Just leave. Peace of mind is way better than what you are going through. Don't continue down this path when you don't even have to.

[elaine567]

I think there are too many avenues here that they could go down that this night could take place and really you end up little further forward than you are now. The friend may miss them at the restaurant, our wife may take a convoluted journey to the meet up point, you could confront them at the restaurant and lover boy punches you outside, they might just be catching up as old friends...

 

I would hire a PI, he/she will know what to do to give the best result here, I would leave it to the professionals.

[NateGrey]

Just confront her now, you already know what she is planning. Why let her go through with it?

[Chi townD]

On the day if their little "date". I would have all of her bags packed and by the door. If she asks you what the hell you're doing? Just say, "I know you don't have to work tonight and I know that you're going out on a date with this other dude. You have reservations at such and such restaurant at 7 o'clock. Now, you have a choice, you can stay here and we can see what we can do to work through this or you can walk out that door. But, if you walk out, you walk out for good. You're not coming back."

 

 

If she walks out, do let her think you're bluffing. Throw her stuff out on the porch and change the locks.

[Chi townD]

Question though? If she states that she's working the evening shift, what are the shift hours?

[Emerald_11]

I agree with Nate- the comment about him being strong is a big red flag!!

 

 

OP --It sounds like your wife may be feeling very bored and lonely. You say she doesn't have a lot of friends and that is totally normal for someone who has a small child and another one on the way. Being a stay at home mom is fulfilling in the way that the mom gets to spend very special time together with her children but it is very socially isolating also. A lot of women get really depressed while being stay at home moms. --I know because I was a stay at home mom for about 6 years and I ran a small daycare in our home. Sometimes after long hours with children adult company/conversation is very nice!

 

 

There must be something she feels like she is missing out on in this relationship with you. Do the two of you go out on dates often? When is the last time you surprised her with anything?

After 7 years together with her have you been letting yourself go? --you said you could stand to lose a few pounds.

Sounds like a case of the 7 year itch to me.....

 

 

Also when women are pregnant they have lots of feelings and hormones that could cloud a persons judgment & decision making skills.

 

 

OP- maybe you need to get a babysitter some night very soon (before her date night) and surprise her with a nice night with YOU -go someplace nice and talk to her. REALLY talk to her!- try to make sure she leaves her phone in the car or something so she cant communicate with anyone else & you have her full attention. Don't accuse her of anything or ruin your night. Maybe talk about the future you would like to share with her and tell her what she means to you. List off everything you love about her. See if she will tell you similar things. Also try to encourage her to tell you about anything that is bothering her and assure her that whatever it is you want to make everything right.

 

 

Is there any reason why the two of you never got married this whole time?

 

 

 

 

 

 

I do think that if she goes to work her odd shift you should definitely have someone follow & watch her! --But that gets really touchy doing that & you would want to hire a PI just to make sure it is handled properly..If she goes to the restaurant with him you going there confronting them probably wont end well.

 

 

I agree with the post above by Marshall. If she seems like she is still going to go through with the date just confront her telling her what you know. Tell her she has to make a choice...either be with you or be free to date who ever she wants -but tell her she can't have it both ways.

GOOD LUCK!!

[Friskyone4u]

Can't believe I am reading advice to sit back and let them go on date. And I suppose that thought process would say now that the affair has been officially

A PA and that he can prove it is will help him save his relatonship. This is not a court of law and he has all the proof he needs to know she is already emotionally cheating on him and is probably planning to have sex with OM. And just sitting back or following them is the answer. I don't think so. Supposing he follows her and that go to a motel to have sex. I guess he just sits out there and waits .

My friend, you should sit your wife down before she leaves the house on "date night" and tell her you know exactly where she is going and that if she walk out the door and is not where she is supposed to be that she will have made the decision to end their relationship. He does not need to divulge anything on how he knows.

If you let this happen without making any attempt to give her a chance to not do it, you will regret it.

[Chi townD]

If he tells her that he knows now, all he'll get is a bunch of excuses. She'll tell him that she had no intention of meeting with him anyway and she really DOES have to work or some viable story. Then, she'll contact the OM and let him know that they got caught and they'll set up some other way to see each other. She'll take it underground.

[Keke1]

If he tells her that he knows now, all he'll get is a bunch of excuses. She'll tell him that she had no intention of meeting with him anyway and she really DOES have to work or some viable story. Then, she'll contact the OM and let him know that they got caught and they'll set up some other way to see each other. She'll take it underground.

 

So why not just leave? The disrespect alone should be enough

[elaine567]

So why not just leave? The disrespect alone should be enough

 

He leaves his pregnant wife and his little daughter over "disrespect"???

[Chemist]

He leaves his pregnant wife and his little daughter over "disrespect"???

 

She made the decision not him. She leaves her babies daddy while pregnant with his child to have a dinner for two whom he had already expressed his disapproval of.

[Friskyone4u]

So because she is pregnant it is OK to have sex or any kind of affair with another man? What does being pregnant have a Damm thing to do with this. ???

So yes he leaves his pregnant wife if she insists on carrying on with other men.

Sorry, being pregnant does not give you a free hall pass.

And as far as taking it further underground, she can do the same thing even if he catches her with OM in bed with her, so why would he benenfit for letting that happen.

Unless OP is in state where proven infidelity can have impact on any settlements, there is absolutely no reason to wait for the lovebirds to consumate their relationship.

[elaine567]

She made the decision not him. She leaves her babies daddy while pregnant with his child to have a dinner for two whom he had already expressed his disapproval of.

 

 

She hasn't actually done anything yet.

The douchebag who doesn't seem to take no for an answer posted the event on his FB.

Has anyone considered he knew she was doing a late shift and posted the event to cause trouble in her marriage?

 

But yeah, just throw the little kid out.

[Danda]

Can't believe I am reading advice to sit back and let them go on date. And I suppose that thought process would say now that the affair has been officially

A PA and that he can prove it is will help him save his relatonship. This is not a court of law and he has all the proof he needs to know she is already emotionally cheating on him and is probably planning to have sex with OM. And just sitting back or following them is the answer. I don't think so. Supposing he follows her and that go to a motel to have sex. I guess he just sits out there and waits .

My friend, you should sit your wife down before she leaves the house on "date night" and tell her you know exactly where she is going and that if she walk out the door and is not where she is supposed to be that she will have made the decision to end their relationship. He does not need to divulge anything on how he knows.

If you let this happen without making any attempt to give her a chance to not do it, you will regret it.

 

The reason I think it's important to actually catch a cheater red-handed (if you can) is because it's usually not as easy as saying, "You make me feel disrespected, so therefore be nicer to me or I am leaving," and the other person goes, "Oh. You are right. I am sorry," and stops doing whatever.

 

For one, no matter how much someone has hurt/disrespected you, for many people it's still very hard to walk away from a bad relationship, especially if they have invested a lot of time and emotion in it. They can huff and puff and have crazy as **** fights yet stay together or keep getting back together.

 

And two, most cheaters are people who have very low integrity, who fight dirty, who don't respect their partners, who lie and manipulate, etc. Some people are like that without ever cheating, but most cheaters are like that. Which means that when a confrontation breaks out, the cheater is likely to go into master bull**** mode:

 

- lying

- gaslighting

- guilt tripping

- projection

- distortion

- red herrings

- mountains of plausible deniability

- circular arguing / word salad galore

- etc etc etc

 

When you're already hurting and riled up, and the person you're confronting is a master bull**** debater, you're going to be in a mental/emotional ****storm within 3 blinks of an eye.

 

I'd rather have them go in as prepared and grounded as possible, than based on just gut feelings.

 

It's not that their feelings don't matter more than anything else (they do), or that a gut feeling is worthless (it's not). It's more out of concern for what the cheated-on party might be about to go through.

[elaine567]

Most BSs tend to believe their partner, because

a) they do not really want to give up the life they have and

b) they do to want to think their beloved partner would do anything to hurt them

c) they do not want to believe they have been such a fool

 

So unless there is real hard evidence, many will CHOOSE to believe their partner as it is too difficult not to.

When up against a partner in as Danda says "bullsh*t" mode, many just roll over, to keep the peace and to stay married.

[Danda]

I know she's able to say no, but I know her and she cannot be rude to someone.

 

Telling a person who is being inappropriate with you to stop isn't being rude, not at all. The other person is being rude. The fact that he makes this excuse for her shows that he has a thought process of not holding her responsible.

 

 

I talked to her about these conversations. At first she was surprised I went through her facebook messages. Surprinsingly enough she was not mad.

 

People with a game plan for manipulation, and who feel confident that they can dominate your emotions, will be extremely calm when they are about to engage in emotional warfare.

 

I wanted her to stop talking to him. I told her that yes, I am jealous that she is according more attention to him than to me and I am not comfortable with the fact that they chat everyday, when I am at work or when I am sleeping.

Because she goes to bed much later than me.

 

She asked me "Are you self-confident?" I said yes. Then she told me "I am living with you, not him".

 

Here she turned the tables and deflected. The conversation was about him feeling uncomfortable. Rather than validating and respecting his feelings, she made his feelings out to be 'wrong' and then furthermore insinuated that something must be 'wrong' with him for him to be feeling the way he did. She showed no concern for his feelings but rather turned it into a power struggle and a game of emotional manipulation.

 

I told her that he is flirting with her. I asked her why she doesn't tell him to stop?

She told me "I don't care, that's his problem. This will never happen. I just find it funny"

 

This is interesting because previously in the very same post, he excused her behavior in that she is just too 'nice' and not "rude" enough to make the guy go away, implying that she would if only she could. This is very blatant denial when her very own words prove that this is a game to her.

 

I told her "Well I'll kick his ass if he doesn't stop!" And she told me "You would not be able, he is so strong" I asked her "why do you know he is strong?" She was like "uhh... I don't know, I don't remember, but he is strong"

 

Many people might react to this by wondering if her knowing he is strong is proof that she has seen/felt it firsthand. But what I notice most is that she clearly was trying to make OP feel insecure and provoked. Again, no concern whatsoever for his feelings, but instead she is still in emotional warfare mode, and seems to be getting a kick out of it at the same time.

 

I've always had fears about infidelity and stuff like that.

 

And she probably knows this. She probably knows most of his weaknesses.

 

However, she didn't stop talking to him. She won't engage conversation anymore, but the guy still reach to her everyday. She replies one or two days later. But she still send him "bye bye xxx" and I don't like it, because she never added "xxx" to other persons she talked to.

 

She didn't stop talking to him because she doesn't care about OP's feelings. Obviously. And even this small paragraph contains a contradiction. "She won't engage in conversation anymore." Then goes on to explain the details of how she still does.

 

 

Chances are this woman is bored and lonely and is trying to have some fun, and chances are OP loves her. But none of that excuses her behavior.

 

While cheating is wrong and getting cheating on sucks, I am more concerned about the red flags of emotional abuse and manipulation all up in this situation. It indicates to me that she might have NPD or ASPD tendencies going on. The complete disregard for his feelings and the way she manages to both provoke his feelings and then shame/mock his feelings at the same time.

 

That he doesn't recognize it or stand up to it is also a red flag that he has been conditioned to doubt himself, either in childhood or otherwise, and is thus a prime target for emotional abusers in the first place.

 

This is why I would rather him go into a confrontation with as much proof/knowledge as possible, because there is a very high chance that in spite of everything, the argument will still end with him apologizing for his own feelings.