Guy won't stop making advances to my girlfriend [Update: Resolved and now engaged]

[martaldn]

I'm still alive. Haven't vanished

 

Yes, sad stuff indeed. But what can I do except leaving? Staying and slowly detach myself from the relationship.

 

Yesterday she was called last minute to do the evening shift. I know for a fact she was at work because she called me and it was her job number.

 

Problem is, her shift ended at midnight. Drive home is maybe half an hour.

 

She came home at almost 4 in the morning. I asked her Where you've been? Her answer :

 

I was talking with a coworker.

 

I said really? You stayed at work and talked for 4 hours straight to a coworker? She said YES. I don't owe you any explanation.

 

So full of ****

 

so you think she met him?

what are you going to do now?

[Chi townD]

I'm still alive. Haven't vanished

 

Yes, sad stuff indeed. But what can I do except leaving? Staying and slowly detach myself from the relationship.

 

Yesterday she was called last minute to do the evening shift. I know for a fact she was at work because she called me and it was her job number.

 

Problem is, her shift ended at midnight. Drive home is maybe half an hour.

 

She came home at almost 4 in the morning. I asked her Where you've been? Her answer :

 

I was talking with a coworker.

 

I said really? You stayed at work and talked for 4 hours straight to a coworker? She said YES. I don't owe you any explanation.

 

So full of ****

 

 

 

 

Yeah, that's why I asked about the hours of the evening shift. If the evening shift is like 6PM-2AM, well...you know that she has reservations somewhere. She's not going to go out for dinner and then just come home when she should be working. So, what is she going to do to fill those hours?

 

 

Dude, I speculate this dude came into town last night and couldn't wait till today to see her. He went and saw her after her shift. Dude, if you don't confront her tonight, she will spend the night with him. She'll give you another BS story in the morning. But, what she doesn't know, is that you know better. Hell, if you know the name of this douchebag, call around and find out where he's staying at. Then, blow her mind with what you know. "I know you're supposed to go out to dinner tonight with him and not going to work. I know he's staying at the double tree. I know he got in town last night." She'll get mad and blame you for spying on her. But, what's worse? Finding out the truth or cheating?

Edited December 9, 2014 by Chi townD

[Standard-Fare]

OK, after reading the latest development (that she stayed out til 4 AM), yeah I now agree that you need to take action, OP.

 

I still don't think you should barge in on their "date," because that's only going to fuel high drama, and it's not going to change the dynamics that are happening here. But I do think you should find a way to verify that she's not at work tonight like she claims.

 

After that, you'll have all the evidence you need. And you have to sit her down for a confrontation. She can no longer cast you in this role of "irrational jealous nag" when something is very clearly amiss here. If she wants to pursue a relationship with this guy, then she has to finally come clean about that with you and accept the real consequences of that.

[italianjob]

I'm still alive. Haven't vanished

 

Yes, sad stuff indeed. But what can I do except leaving? Staying and slowly detach myself from the relationship.

 

Yesterday she was called last minute to do the evening shift. I know for a fact she was at work because she called me and it was her job number.

 

Problem is, her shift ended at midnight. Drive home is maybe half an hour.

 

She came home at almost 4 in the morning. I asked her Where you've been? Her answer :

 

I was talking with a coworker.

 

I said really? You stayed at work and talked for 4 hours straight to a coworker? She said YES. I don't owe you any explanation.

 

So full of ****

 

 

She doesn't owe you any explanation? Really? Well, if you let her treat you like s*it, she will.

You tell her you want to make an Agreement on custody, then either leave or make her leave (depending on the arrangements existing on your house), and tell her you won't recognize the newborn child until a DNA test is done.

Then she'll know you mean business. There's no other way to make her respect you.

[italianjob]

OK, after reading the latest development (that she stayed out til 4 AM), yeah I now agree that you need to take action, OP.

 

I still don't think you should barge in on their "date," because that's only going to fuel high drama, and it's not going to change the dynamics that are happening here. But I do think you should find a way to verify that she's not at work tonight like she claims.

 

After that, you'll have all the evidence you need. And you have to sit her down for a confrontation. She can no longer cast you in this role of "irrational jealous nag" when something is very clearly amiss here. If she wants to pursue a relationship with this guy, then she has to finally come clean about that with you and accept the real consequences of that.

 

 

Really, This has ZERO importance, I don't understand why you keep bringing this up. As long as the OP doesn't beat up anyone and doesn't do anything illegal, he can do what he damn pleases about her "date". She is not respecting him in the least, who cares if he ruins her romantic night with her new lover?

[Standard-Fare]

Really, This has ZERO importance, I don't understand why you keep bringing this up. As long as the OP doesn't beat up anyone and doesn't do anything illegal, he can do what he damn pleases about her "date". She is not respecting him in the least, who cares if he ruins her romantic night with her new lover?

 

Yeah, agree, it's totally up to the OP and where his instincts guide him.

 

But as someone else in this thread said about the idea of barging in: "My dramatic personality would lead me (If i was in your situation) to show up in that restaurant and wait for them."

 

This route is bound to produce more drama. And this is already a situation where the OP is being accused (unfairly) of being irrational and hot-headed. It might help him in the end to keep his cool and be the bigger man. It gives him more leverage and dignity in future negotiations.

 

Also, as I said, showing up on the date isn't going to change anything about this affair (emotional or physical) that's already unfolding.

[elaine567]

Really, This has ZERO importance, I don't understand why you keep bringing this up. As long as the OP doesn't beat up anyone and doesn't do anything illegal, he can do what he damn pleases about her "date". She is not respecting him in the least, who cares if he ruins her romantic night with her new lover?

 

 

The potential lover is a body builder/athlete, the OP is not by his own admission, he could get hurt here.

That is why it is best he not barge into the "date".

[italianjob]

Yeah, agree, it's totally up to the OP and where his instincts guide him.

 

But as someone else in this thread said about the idea of barging in: "My dramatic personality would lead me (If i was in your situation) to show up in that restaurant and wait for them."

 

This route is bound to produce more drama. And this is already a situation where the OP is being accused (unfairly) of being irrational and hot-headed. It might help him in the end to keep his cool and be the bigger man. It gives him more leverage and dignity in future negotiations.

 

Also, as I said, showing up on the date isn't going to change anything about this affair (emotional or physical) that's already unfolding.

 

 

The fact itself that they're out to dinner in secret makes the accusations obviously unfair, so there's no sense in that. There's also no way this is going to help in future negotiations.

[italianjob]

The potential lover is a body builder/athlete, the OP is not by his own admission, he could get hurt here.

That is why it is best he not barge into the "date".

 

 

That's a better reason...

But if the OP doesn't do anything stupid it's the AP that risks getting arrested.

[elaine567]

That's a better reason...

But if the OP doesn't do anything stupid it's the AP that risks getting arrested.

 

Yes, but it may not stop him getting hurt, inside or outside of the restaurant.

A PI would have been a much better idea, here.

Not emotionally involved, has experience of all the tricks that could be pulled, and provides good evidence that may be needed later.

[elaine567]

The OP is a business owner, I am sure the money spent on a PI would be money well spent.

[Standard-Fare]

That's a better reason...

But if the OP doesn't do anything stupid it's the AP that risks getting arrested.

 

Well, one aspect that's being ignored is that the OP found out about the details of this date by violating his GF's privacy and snooping through her phone. We could argue about whether that was justified or not. But it's pretty likely that once the GF puts two and two together on that it's only going to make her angrier and make this situation even more dramatic.

 

This is already a situation where emotions are running high. Why add more flames? That's just my personal opinion though.

[Keke1]

Really, This has ZERO importance, I don't understand why you keep bringing this up. As long as the OP doesn't beat up anyone and doesn't do anything illegal, he can do what he damn pleases about her "date". She is not respecting him in the least, who cares if he ruins her romantic night with her new lover?

 

OP do not listen to these kinds of statements. Everyone says stuff they really don't mean when emotions get high. You want this guy to go to this restaurant to see a guy who he has been despising for awhile? Way to much can happen. His emotions are already in shambles plus the problem isn't with dude. It's his girlfriend or whatever she is because i wouldn't be calling her my gf any longer.

You lost respect OP your relationship is changed forever. Time to bounce

[Chi townD]

I wouldn't bother going to their "date". You can SAY that there won't be any problems and you're in complete control. But, as soon as you get there, there's no telling how you're going to react seeing your girl sitting, laughing and making eyes at another man; possibly holding hands across the table.

 

 

Then that "control" can go out the window. If he makes a scene at the restaurant, his girl can turn it around on him and get a RO out on him. She'll have more than enough witnesses to state that he started to make a scene and she doesn't feel safe with him around. Next thing you know, he's kicked out of his house and the OM can stop wasting his money on hotel rooms.

 

 

I still say, confront before she leaves (call her work and confirm she doesn't have a shift tonight). Tell her if she walks out that door, don't bother coming back. If she leaves, throw her stuff out on the porch and change the locks. Contact a lawyer about your rights as a father.

[italianjob]

Yes, but it may not stop him getting hurt, inside or outside of the restaurant.

A PI would have been a much better idea, here.

Not emotionally involved, has experience of all the tricks that could be pulled, and provides good evidence that may be needed later.

 

Yeah, a PI might be better, but if it was me I would consider being there with a friend to play "witness"

[italianjob]

OP do not listen to these kinds of statements. Everyone says stuff they really don't mean when emotions get high. You want this guy to go to this restaurant to see a guy who he has been despising for awhile? Way to much can happen. His emotions are already in shambles plus the problem isn't with dude. It's his girlfriend or whatever she is because i wouldn't be calling her my gf any longer.

You lost respect OP your relationship is changed forever. Time to bounce

 

OP doesn't sound like someone who loses control easily.If he thinks he can't handle it then I agree it's better if he doesn't show up, but not because his GF might get angry like someone was suggesting.

[shadow_stang]

Well, one aspect that's being ignored is that the OP found out about the details of this date by violating his GF's privacy and snooping through her phone. We could argue about whether that was justified or not. But it's pretty likely that once the GF puts two and two together on that it's only going to make her angrier and make this situation even more dramatic.

 

This is already a situation where emotions are running high. Why add more flames? That's just my personal opinion though.

 

It is wrong to snoop through someone's phone. But that's not even an issue anymore after finding out that she's apparently meeting this guy tonight, probably lied about her work schedule, and stayed out until 4am or so (possibly chatting with that guy). I'm not trying to say that phone snoopers are automatically justified based on if they find traces of infidelity from a phone, but at this point, it doesn't mean anything. The lady could have this new dude on top of her tonight, so no reason to bring up phone privacy anymore, in my opinion. I agree that flames shouldn't be added, but based on the information I've read here, she's way more in the wrong than he is, relationship wise.

 

 

Sorry for sounding like it's already a done deal, but I know how most people are. I really hope things get positive, but based on the OP's information, the situation is only heading down one path. Just a matter of time. But I've been wrong before.

[Clay]

She is already cheating. Why even give her another second. Pack her backs and tell her to take a hike. I would not even give her another second of my time she is not even worth it.

 

Life is so much better when you just boot these people out of your lives. Who cares who the other guy is. She is the one with the problem.

[elaine567]

She is already cheating.

 

Have you been reading another thread?

There is no conclusive evidence - yet.

 

Hold your fire.

[Try]

Yesterday she was called last minute to do the evening shift. I know for a fact she was at work because she called me and it was her job number.

 

Problem is, her shift ended at midnight. Drive home is maybe half an hour.

 

She came home at almost 4 in the morning. I asked her Where you've been? Her answer :

 

I was talking with a coworker.

 

I said really? You stayed at work and talked for 4 hours straight to a coworker? She said YES. I don't owe you any explanation.

Tonight is the dinner date with the other man. She may drop by the office to call you from work before seeing him, just like she did last night. Do not be fooled.

 

So what are you going to do about last night and her in your face response?What are you going to do about tonight's date and her in your face response when you confront her?

[TobyBoy]

I think I wrote a few pages back that she would start an argument so to have an excuse not to call or text you during her date. She went to great lengths to hopefully start one!!! What are your plans for tonight Sonny?

[aliveagain]

I think that by letting her go on her date you are tempting fate. You can't control any plan changes they make once their in the car together because her affair probably already went physical when she came home at 4 in the morning. They may choose to go strait to a hotel rather than the restaurant now that they have broken the physical boundary. Even if sex didn't happen that night, something physical did happen after her shift. There is more bang for the buck when you weigh spending $150.00 on a meal in a fancy restaurant and $150.00 for a room and take out? If they have gone physical they will probably go somewhere more private. They won't be where you expect them to be.The first thing she will ask you if you confront her with O/M on their date is, "what kind man lets his pregnant spouse go on a date that he knows about without trying to stop her?" What kind of man would risk her being alone with O/M just to catch her? How will you answer, how will those actions prove you love her? I think it will just reinforce that she is right about looking elsewhere, she will use this against you to justify her actions.

 

My suggestion would be to let O/M spend money on his reservation(hotel or restaurant), let him sit there waiting for her but stop her as she's getting ready for her date. Can you arrange to leave your child with a family member without letting her know in advance? That way you can confront without fear of your child being involved. Cary a VAR when you confront her(voice activated recorder). I like the idea of packing her bags and having them ready at the door as suggested earlier. In fact you may want to start packing her stuff as she's getting ready, let her ask you as to what your doing with her stuff, gives you a great opening for your confrontation. Please talk to a lawyer today, understand your rights, you need to protect your children. Have your list of conditions for reconciling ready, you are at your strongest at time of confrontation, she may not agree to your terms later.

[Try]

Have you been reading another thread?

There is no conclusive evidence - yet.

He has conclusive evidence that she is lying about needing to go to work tonight so that she can go on a secret dinner date with her other man. Her lying about work as she plans to cheat is cheating. He does not have to wait for it to happen to act on it as cheating. I do not know what he is waiting for. I do would not give a darn about her being upset with his snooping. Tell her that if she was not cheating he would not have needed to snoop, but her actions made it so obvious that he had a right to confirm.

[Fearful]

Op. Dont waste your life on a cheater. She spent four hours with the OM and told you in a clear term 'she owe you no explanation' for her actions. She has definately started living a single life style. In her own imagination she isn't committed to you in any way because she is not legally married to you. She sees marriage is the only bind of commitment and since she wasn't ready for one, she rejected your marriage proposal. She sees you as a partner in 'baby's factory' dealing in producing babies. Now that she fancy another man with whom she had an history which predated the yours. She is cheating on you and will eventually dump you. Don't waste your time trying to detach while carrying on with her as if nothing hapen. Cheaters have no empathy, loyalty or integrity. She will hurt you in away you never can imagine. Don't be a tool to your own destruction by keeping silent and doing nothing. Dump her now. She is hiding her affair from you but if you remain silent or dormant she will start throwing it on your face because silent and dormancy in a situation like this is a confirmation of 'back-bonelessness'. From another angle, how sure are you that you only knows what she want you to know? Why did she leave her phone at home? You got a tip on her planed date with the OM through her phone, chances are, she delibrately left the phone home for you to see. May God see you through this difficult moment OP. Wishing you the very best. It shall be well with you.

[Keke1]

OP doesn't sound like someone who loses control easily.If he thinks he can't handle it then I agree it's better if he doesn't show up, but not because his GF might get angry like someone was suggesting.

 

Im not sure he'd even know. This hasn't happened to him before. This is not the right advice for this situation. I may be extreme but you all know how some of these stories end up. Leave dude or pack her bags for her. The secret dinner meet alone would do it for me. Emotional affair has already begun from what he's described. No need for the rest of this unnecessary drama. It's bothering the hell out of this guy. He doesn't need this mess in his life. No one does