Guy won't stop making advances to my girlfriend [Update: Resolved and now engaged]

[elaine567]

I told her "Well I'll kick his ass if he doesn't stop!" And she told me "You would not be able, he is so strong" I asked her "why do you know he is strong?" She was like "uhh... I don't know, I don't remember, but he is strong"

 

 

Many people might react to this by wondering if her knowing he is strong is proof that she has seen/felt it firsthand. But what I notice most is that she clearly was trying to make OP feel insecure and provoked. Again, no concern whatsoever for his feelings, but instead she is still in emotional warfare mode, and seems to be getting a kick out of it at the same time.

I see it differently I think she did try to protect the OP.

I think she hesitated when asked "How do you know he is strong?" because she didn't want to rub the OP's nose in it by saying "Well, go and look at all his muscles, if you do not think he is strong?".

NO wife is going to think it was a good idea for her husband to go all macho against a much stronger opponent, as he would be pulverised.

[Danda]

I see it differently I think she did try to protect the OP.

I think she hesitated when asked "How do you know he is strong?" because she didn't want to rub the OP's nose in it by saying "Well, go and look at all his muscles, if you do not think he is strong?".

NO wife is going to think it was a good idea for her husband to go all macho against a much stronger opponent, as he would be pulverised.

 

I see where you are coming from, too. I just definitely see it differently.

 

But then different brains perceive differently, it's all good.

 

I tend to focus most on a person's emotions, then where those emotions are coming from, and then start processing it on a more intellectual level.

 

So what I notice is that he was feeling protective of the relationship and had a fight emotional response (out of fight/flight/freeze).

 

She could have responded to his emotion in a multitude of ways, and the one she chose was to (A) not validate or respect his emotion, and (B) compare him to the other guy, which is something he was already struggling with and it's pretty obvious, and © cast him as inferior to the other guy ("you would lose" / "he is stronger than you").

 

I'm not psychic so of course I don't know as a fact what was going through her mind and could be wrong. But with all of the other details combined, I think she is ****ing with his head and emotions.

[elaine567]

OK so what could she have said to the retort, "Well I'll kick his ass if he doesn't stop!", that would have stroked his ego? And why should she need to stroke his ego?

 

My guess is she is a bored and lonely housewife who has little stimulation outwith the home.

Introvert does not equal stupid and sometimes the SAHM can start building a bit of resentment, towards the partner who she probably sees as being "free as a bird". He gets to do what he wants, whilst she is chained to the kitchen sink and in a P/T job, she probably feels is beneath her.

Of course that perception may be skewed in that she with a bit of organisation may actually be "freer" than he is, but sometimes with the addition of a bit of inhibition and social anxiety on her part, it means she probably doesn't see it that way. Her resentment builds, not necessarily on the surface but deep within.

She will hanker after the days, she was free.

Enter Mr IloveYOUfromthepast, he stirs emotions, she downplays them, but she is secretly pleased, he is fun, she is having a good time, he flatters, she sucks it all in.

It is harmless fun, but it is also a wee bit of a stick to poke the OP with.

"I am not just the mother of your child and some P/T worker, I was a person who knew my own mind, who was an individual, who had fun with other guys, I used to be my own person."

 

The OPs defence of her, "Well I'll kick his ass if he doesn't stop!", I guess provoked two emotions, one, "Don't, you'll get hurt and I would't want to see that", and two, "Why are you defending me, I am a person too, I fight my own battles, butt out you weakling, who do you think you are? He'll massacre you."

[bubbaganoosh]

MAJOR UPDATE

 

I would not leave someone just for the beginning of an internet emotional affair, I would try to work it out. But now, I think it's getting at another level. I just can't trust what might happen.

 

She is at work right now.

 

I heard a phone notification sound coming from the bedroom. My phone's in my pocket. Found it. It's coming from a drawer. What a surprise, this is her phone.

 

Yes, I snooped like a mother****er.

 

Well, she just received a facebook event invitation from the guy! Dinner for two on Tuesday. Nice restaurant. Only two guests, him and my girl. And the text "Here's a reminder in case you forgot babe can't wait to see you after all this time xxxxxx"

 

I check out the calendar she uses to write down her planned work shifts. Surprise, there's an alleged work shift scheduled on Tuesday evening.

 

I remember her saying that she will work the evening shift on Tuesday. At first I thought this was weird because she never works during the evening. It raised a flag last week when she told me that. Also there is no location written down. She works in different buildings so she always write down the location and building name. But none in the case.

 

I am currently boiling as ****. I feel so ****ing sick in the stomach right now. This is the worst thing I ever imagined. How are you supposed to trust people when they do stupid **** like this???

 

If it's me I don't play games. I swing the hammer and swing it hard. You can either follow her that day and when she goes to meet up with this guy, catch he in the act and let her know that she doesn't have to worry about you asking her to get married and let her know that she can enjoy her evening out but before she calls it a night to pick her suitcases up that's on the curb outside your house and tell her not to come back.

 

Or you can let her know before she leaves for work that you know and if she goes out with the guy or has anymore contact with him then she's going to be homeless.

 

Then the balls in her court. I got a feeling that she thinks she has you over a barrel and you wont do anything and she can BS her way out of this. But either way you better do it in a way that she knows she's on a real slippery slope and is in real danger of having a life changing event in front of her and if she wants this to work out then she better wise up real quick and let this guy know that there will be no more contact but honestly I really believe that she feels that since your not married, she can do what she's planning and feel justified.

 

Bring the hammer down hard and do it quick.

[Keke1]

She hasn't actually done anything yet.

The douchebag who doesn't seem to take no for an answer posted the event on his FB.

Has anyone considered he knew she was doing a late shift and posted the event to cause trouble in her marriage?

 

But yeah, just throw the little kid out.

 

She's allowing this relationship to foster. She's not stopping it at all. Is that ok?

[elaine567]

She's allowing this relationship to foster. She's not stopping it at all. Is that ok?

 

No-one is saying it is OK, but this is a huge deal here, there is a lot at stake and a three year old could get very hurt.

It is not just a case of leaving, because the OP is peeved about her speaking to another man on FB.

[Keke1]

No-one is saying it is OK, but this is a huge deal here, there is a lot at stake and a three year old could get very hurt.

It is not just a case of leaving, because the OP is peeved about her speaking to another man on FB.

 

It's moved to a secret meeting for dinner. You think it stops there? Maybe but doubtful imo. He's expressed his self to her and she basically said tough tit. Now she's moving to another step. How many steps does he need before he walks. I suggested making provisions about the children before everything else. He's being disrespected and his mind is all screwed up.

[No Limit]

No offense but I find it hilarious how much effort is given to playing investigator when it's just so plain obvious. Too many trees, can't see the forest.

[Danda]

OK so what could she have said to the retort, "Well I'll kick his ass if he doesn't stop!", that would have stroked his ego? And why should she need to stroke his ego?

 

My guess is she is a bored and lonely housewife who has little stimulation outwith the home.

Introvert does not equal stupid and sometimes the SAHM can start building a bit of resentment, towards the partner who she probably sees as being "free as a bird". He gets to do what he wants, whilst she is chained to the kitchen sink and in a P/T job, she probably feels is beneath her.

Of course that perception may be skewed in that she with a bit of organisation may actually be "freer" than he is, but sometimes with the addition of a bit of inhibition and social anxiety on her part, it means she probably doesn't see it that way. Her resentment builds, not necessarily on the surface but deep within.

She will hanker after the days, she was free.

Enter Mr IloveYOUfromthepast, he stirs emotions, she downplays them, but she is secretly pleased, he is fun, she is having a good time, he flatters, she sucks it all in.

It is harmless fun, but it is also a wee bit of a stick to poke the OP with.

"I am not just the mother of your child and some P/T worker, I was a person who knew my own mind, who was an individual, who had fun with other guys, I used to be my own person."

 

The OPs defence of her, "Well I'll kick his ass if he doesn't stop!", I guess provoked two emotions, one, "Don't, you'll get hurt and I would't want to see that", and two, "Why are you defending me, I am a person too, I fight my own battles, butt out you weakling, who do you think you are? He'll massacre you."

 

I don't think she should have stroked his ego. What I am trying to say is that (to me) it's not a matter of the two guys actually fighting or not fighting, or whatever.

 

I am focusing on how she responds to his emotions overall, and that was one example of several.

 

If that exchange about the whole fighting thing were the only example of how she responds, standing all on its own, I would be a lot more likely to play devil's advocate for her and would very likely agree with your best guess as to what was going through her mind.

 

The problem for me in playing devil's advocate for her, is that all of the examples of how she responds to his emotion go the same way..

 

She doesn't validate, respect or show any concern for his feelings. It's that overall trend that makes me more cynical about her.

 

Part of it is also a matter of projection. My second boyfriend enjoyed making me jealous and playing emotional/mind games. I recognize the red flags of NPD in a relationship from 50 miles away lol. I am hyper-sensitive to it after having dated one for over three years. So I am also of the mindset to be on the look out for such things and am therefore more inclined to get defensive on behalf of the OP.

 

So it's good that you're playing defense attorney in this thread to counter-balance views like mine. Chances are the truth is somewhere in the middle.

[elaine567]

My second boyfriend enjoyed making me jealous and playing emotional/mind games. I recognize the red flags of NPD in a relationship from 50 miles away lol. I am hyper-sensitive to it after having dated one for over three years. So I am also of the mindset to be on the look out for such things and am therefore more inclined to get defensive on behalf of the OP.

My second boyfriend enjoyed making me jealous and playing emotional/mind games.

Is she really playing a mind game or just responding to the OP interfering in her life?

I think a diagnosis of NPD is hardly warranted by what we see here. I think that is far too big a leap.

[NateGrey]

sonny357, what do you want from her?

 

Seven years together, living together, have one kid with another on the way. To her it's like she has all the benefits of marriage, and none of the restrictions.

 

But marriage is not the only thing that should restrict you from cheating. Love and respect should. Otherwise by this logic any guy who is with a woman for a long time who doesn't ask her to marry him is just asking to be cheated on.

 

She hasn't actually done anything yet.

The douchebag who doesn't seem to take no for an answer posted the event on his FB.

Has anyone considered he knew she was doing a late shift and posted the event to cause trouble in her marriage?

 

But yeah, just throw the little kid out.

 

Well my only issue with what you just said is that this woman has had more the enough opportunities to set this other man in his place if she truly has no interest in him. She clearly either has not done this or has done it and he didn't listen. Which, if she clearly asked him to stop this behavior and he did not then why does she continue to associate with him, have him on her FB, etc.?

[elaine567]

Well my only issue with what you just said is that this woman has had more the enough opportunities to set this other man in his place if she truly has no interest in him. She clearly either has not done this or has done it and he didn't listen. Which, if she clearly asked him to stop this behavior and he did not then why does she continue to associate with him, have him on her FB, etc.?

Bored, sad, only thing that makes her feel alive in her dull day, he was a very good friend to her once, who knows?

We certainly don't.

[gaius]

As odd as it sounds I get the vibe she was just using him for attention before, and since you started showing you were threatened by it that's when she became genuinely interested. Not that there was any real right response you could have given in this situation. It's a bummer when someone you're with has to to use someone else for attention.

 

Just for future reference, when you start getting threatened or talk about another guy that puts him ahead of you on the totem pole in a woman's mind. It's not a great idea.

[Keke1]

Bored, sad, only thing that makes her feel alive in her dull day, he was a very good friend to her once, who knows?

We certainly don't.

 

All excuses to me. What we do certainly know is how it's making him feel. His feelings matter also. He's tried talking to her. What else should he do?

[No Limit]

What else should he do?

 

Dump her amicably and then sort out visitation and material stuff.

[NateGrey]

Bored, sad, only thing that makes her feel alive in her dull day, he was a very good friend to her once, who knows?

We certainly don't.

 

None of these reasons justify continuing to associate with a guy who has no respect for you.

[Chi townD]

Man, I hate it when OP's just disappear.

[shadow_stang]

Man, I hate it when OP's just disappear.

 

 

I think we have to wait for Tuesday night to happen first, isn't that when she's supposed to meet this other guy? OP probably has a lot on his mind anyway, and not many new details at this point, but I could be wrong.

[RemainUnchanged]

 

Her alleged work shift is 5 to 2 in the morning. Quite an unusual shift.

 

 

That's a long date.. I wonder what they have planned :/

 

 

this is truly an awful situation. I would suggest leaving, but then you have the children to factor in.

 

I don't see how this ends well, but I wish you all the best. We eagerly await your update.

[Standard-Fare]

I don't see how the OP stalking his GF and interrupting her date would help this situation one bit. It's going to make her feel like a tracked animal, and he's going to come across as crazed and jealous.

 

Sadly, people are going to do exactly what they want to do. If this woman truly wants to explore things with the meathead, and gives that priority to her current relationship, nothing is going to change that. These are forces beyond the OP's control. He can't lock her up in the house forever and smash up her computer and phone.

 

OP, don't do anything extreme or dramatic. If you need to confirm for yourself that she goes through with this date, by all means do that. But don't charge in there like a raging bull. Let her commit her sins and then later, as calmly as you can, tell her you know the truth and don't want to hear any more lies about it. Then ask her to make her decision.

[shadow_stang]

A lady I once worked with, said "If it's going to happen, it's going to happen." She wasn't talking about infidelity, but that's immediately what I thought of, and it made a lot of sense. I thought about that a few weeks ago, after going through something kinda-sorta similar to what the OP is going through, minus kids.

 

 

I just wish we could live on a planet where people are honest. If someone loses interest in their partner, or feels like another person might be tempting to them, just talk it out. Be honest, sit down, and say: "Look, I really care about you, but I've noticed some changes in myself lately, and here's what is going on with me..." and go from there. All the deception is wasted energy.

 

 

OP, for what it's worth, I'm really sorry, and am still hoping for a good outcome. Stay strong.

[italianjob]

I don't see how the OP stalking his GF and interrupting her date would help this situation one bit. It's going to make her feel like a tracked animal, and he's going to come across as crazed and jealous.

 

Sadly, people are going to do exactly what they want to do. If this woman truly wants to explore things with the meathead, and gives that priority to her current relationship, nothing is going to change that. These are forces beyond the OP's control. He can't lock her up in the house forever and smash up her computer and phone.

 

OP, don't do anything extreme or dramatic. If you need to confirm for yourself that she goes through with this date, by all means do that. But don't charge in there like a raging bull. Let her commit her sins and then later, as calmly as you can, tell her you know the truth and don't want to hear any more lies about it. Then ask her to make her decision.

 

Are you serious? If she wants to explore things with another man, she is entitled to it but must be honest and do it openly, even if it means to end the relationship with the OP.

 

 

Doing things behind his back show she's not respecting the OP, so he doesn't owe her any respect over her "exploration", and is entitled to do anything he wants about her "date" as long as he doesn't physically hurt anyone and doesn't do anything illegal.

 

 

Ask her to make a decision? He might want to, or he might make a decision for her and kick her to the curb as soon as he knows she's cheating...

Edited December 9, 2014 by italianjob

[Fearful]

Sorry OP. My main concern is about her current pregnancy, how sure are you that the pregnancy is your's? Your girl friend exchanged phone number with this guy and assured him she will be available when ever he is doing outing. How sure are you that this is their first meet-up and he has not started banging her. It seems like your relationship is all about satisfaction of her needs and want. You want marriage to her marriage is an aberration therefore you forgone your wanting of marriage. You want to spend a little more time with your friends but have to give that up so as to have more time with her. All these are not enough for her, she want another Man and I think she want you to be ok with it because she can't unfriend him even though you are not comfortable with their liason. She chooses her relationship with him over you. Worst she has gone secrate with him, planning a date night and lying to you about it. Get a PI to monitor all her activities for that day. Sit her down and present your evidence to her then break up with her as amicable as possible. Draw up seperation and custody programme, then have a DNA test on the second child. Never accept her begging or pleading. Worst she may not even beg or plead because she will always find reason to justify her action. However, no matter what, never abandon your kid(s), always be there for your kids. Good luck.

[todreaminblue]

i find it extremely sad its got to the point of his pregnant partner going on a date with another guy......i hope she changes her mind and doesnt go....deletes the guy off facebook and never talks to him again......best wishes op ......deb

[sonny357]

I'm still alive. Haven't vanished

 

Yes, sad stuff indeed. But what can I do except leaving? Staying and slowly detach myself from the relationship.

 

Yesterday she was called last minute to do the evening shift. I know for a fact she was at work because she called me and it was her job number.

 

Problem is, her shift ended at midnight. Drive home is maybe half an hour.

 

She came home at almost 4 in the morning. I asked her Where you've been? Her answer :

 

I was talking with a coworker.

 

I said really? You stayed at work and talked for 4 hours straight to a coworker? She said YES. I don't owe you any explanation.

 

So full of ****