checkoutat10 Posted December 4, 2014 Share Posted December 4, 2014 If you were contacted by your MM/MW's BS, and asked about the status of your relationship with their spouse, would you be truthful and honest? Would you even speak to the BS or would you be afraid/nervous? Would you defer to your MM/MW to answer those questions or for direction on how to answer them? When I was OW (twice), DDay occurred twice when the BS contacted me via phone. I was 100% truthful and honest about my relationship with their BS, and answered all the questions they had. I tried to put on a front of nonchalance, but inside I was terrified and horrified that I had participated in the affair to begin with. When I had DDay with my WH, I contacted to OW via text. I wrote something to the effect of "I'm not crazy, I have no intention of harassing you...I just need to know what your relationship with my H is" It took her 3 days to respond. My WH was in contact with her during that time. She finally texted back and said she apologized if her friendship with my H made her uncomfortable, but that they were ONLY friends, nothing more. I texted back "thank you" and that was it, no further contact from me. I don't know what to believe....as a former OW to two different MM, I felt is was the BS right to know everything she wanted to know. Is that a general feeling of OW? I apologize if this is the wrong forum. Link to post Share on other sites
Poppy47 Posted December 4, 2014 Share Posted December 4, 2014 If she asked, of course. Poppy Link to post Share on other sites
cif Posted December 4, 2014 Share Posted December 4, 2014 I ignored her the first time. Lied the second. The third time my husband contacted her (with the actual truth) and she told him what he was saying was "nonsense." Can't win. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author checkoutat10 Posted December 4, 2014 Author Share Posted December 4, 2014 I ignored her the first time. Lied the second. The third time my husband contacted her (with the actual truth) and she told him what he was saying was "nonsense." Can't win. Did you lie because you wanted to continue the affair or was it your MM's idea? I don't know the details of your A so I could understand if it was a friend or family member, but is the BS is a stranger, why not tell the truth? What do you have to lose (besides MM)? Link to post Share on other sites
bathtub-row Posted December 4, 2014 Share Posted December 4, 2014 That would be a tough one. My instincts would be to tell her the truth, but if it meant throwing xMM under the bus, I couldn't do that. He has protected me too many times in the past. Link to post Share on other sites
jellybean89 Posted December 4, 2014 Share Posted December 4, 2014 You said you were the OW twice, and also said you were ashamed terrified and horrified that you participated in the affair...are you saying you felt that way after the first affair, or after the second affair? I can't imagine any WH telling the "truth" to his wife after a dday. He lied thoughtout the affair, why would any BS believe him when he was busted? I never understand when an OW talks about telling the BS to ask their spouse since it is "his" marriage. The OW had no issue participating in the affair, inserting herself into the affair, yet now she claims it isn't her responsibility to be truthful? And this loyalty to a cheater, from an OW, wtf is that about? Is that so that the MM has an open door if he wants to resume the affair? What is so hard about being truthful? How does that saying go...if you can't do the time, don't do the crime? Even more evidence of a messed up society that we live in. Not caring about the hurt and deceit you (general you) cause to another person who did not a damn thing to you (except obviously be married to a cheater). 6 Link to post Share on other sites
Author checkoutat10 Posted December 4, 2014 Author Share Posted December 4, 2014 (edited) You said you were the OW twice, and also said you were ashamed terrified and horrified that you participated in the affair...are you saying you felt that way after the first affair, or after the second affair? In the first affair, I knew MM was married. In the second, I did not know he was married until DDay. So yes, ashamed, terrified, and horrified both times. ETA: During the 1st affair, MM moved in with me and had me convinced that he and his wife were separated. It was my first experience being an OW, but in my head, I was dating a single man (I know how screwed up that sounds). When I received that phone call from her, after he had left me and returned to her, it was horrible. I never felt so low in my life. Edited December 4, 2014 by checkoutat10 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author checkoutat10 Posted December 4, 2014 Author Share Posted December 4, 2014 Also, it bears noting.....my WH is my former MM. Shocker, I know. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
GirlStillStrong Posted December 4, 2014 Share Posted December 4, 2014 The truth will set you free. Anyone who would lie in this circumstance has a lot of growing up to do. Link to post Share on other sites
cif Posted December 5, 2014 Share Posted December 5, 2014 Did you lie because you wanted to continue the affair or was it your MM's idea? I don't know the details of your A so I could understand if it was a friend or family member, but is the BS is a stranger, why not tell the truth? What do you have to lose (besides MM)? I have no relation to the BS besides xMM and lied to get her off my back. Telling her the truth would just start problems, i felt, and her email was nasty. At that point i was no longer involved with MM. Basically he was a recycled BF. We dated for about a year. I didnt know he was dating anyone else (at the time she was his GF) and when i found out i went NC. It was a mess. Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted December 5, 2014 Share Posted December 5, 2014 Everyone wants to survive, everyone wants to protect oneself from threats. Any OW/OM being confronted by a BS is going to think "How can I protect myself best." Some APs may see the whole A, as something that needs protecting, some may see the WS as someone that needs protecting, so they will lie and send the BS down he wrong path. If the AP feels remorseful or guilty or feels they have let themselves down badly, or they are angry with the WS, then they may decide to tell the whole truth in order to regain some credibility and worth for themselves. The intention may be to come across as a decent human being despite the A. If the AP is feeling superior, justified or angry or even "in the right", then I doubt the BS will find anything out and if they do, it may not be the truth. As the AP is used to deceiving and hiding the truth. It may be difficult to ascertain into which group they fall. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Scarlet2 Posted December 5, 2014 Share Posted December 5, 2014 For me, I think it would depend on how it were discovered. If the betrayed spouse is just going by suspicion, I wouldn't admit anything because I believe ignorance is bliss and by revealing the truth when they had no concrete proof, it would deliberately cause a Dday which will indeed inflict pain on everybody and that's the last thing I would want to do. If the BS had proof, I would remain quiet because I believe you can not win either way. If the wayward spouse and myself both told the BS the truth, I feel the BS would still think we were lying or that we came up with some type of agreement to say the same thing. And if the wayward's story didn't match up with mine, I think the BS would still pick the WS's story over the other, regardless of which one of us is telling the truth. I think the BS would never be satisfied with the answers because you shouldn't ask the truth from deceivers because the only truth you'll get is what you believe to be the most believable and it could very well be a lie. Link to post Share on other sites
Versailles Posted December 5, 2014 Share Posted December 5, 2014 I think if the BS is just asking because of suspicions, don't say anything without consulting the MM/MW first. After all, whatever you say could impact at least 3 different lives.. However if everything is already in the open, then I see no reason why you shouldn't tell the BS the truth, it's the least you can give the BS. Link to post Share on other sites
AlwaysGrowing Posted December 5, 2014 Share Posted December 5, 2014 I find it interesting that people call their truth....THE TRUTH. Have any of you seen The Affair? It is a new show. The first few episodes showcase this very well. First half the WS truth, second half the OW truth. There are obvious differences. Both share THE TRUTH from two very different memories of how/what happened. Interestingly, they both portray the other one as the one who crosses lines/flirts, and they just succumbed to it. When one is an outside party and hears both sides, sees/reviews tangible evidence...they are in a better position to understand/determine "the truth" more accurately then those involved. Link to post Share on other sites
FusionCutter Posted December 5, 2014 Share Posted December 5, 2014 (edited) Not only would I be relieved, but I would tell him (I'm exOM) everything. It's time at least someone deserved some truth in the triangle. Perhaps he would want some sort of violent confrontation or something. But I would be ready for that I think. I'm not afraid to own up to what I did. It would also put me at ease because I could actually get some insight on how he felt about her, instead of MW's view, which I now believe to be crazy skewed. It would be a relief and a mature way to move on from an emotionally broken situation. Throughout the A I pressed the MW to tell the truth. She did not. It truly sucked being in the dark. That's no way to treat a human being. Then I came to realize the reason for not telling is that then there could not have been the existence of both men in her life. Edited December 5, 2014 by FusionCutter 1 Link to post Share on other sites
the_artist_1970 Posted December 5, 2014 Share Posted December 5, 2014 Everyone wants to survive, everyone wants to protect oneself from threats. Any OW/OM being confronted by a BS is going to think "How can I protect myself best." Some APs may see the whole A, as something that needs protecting, some may see the WS as someone that needs protecting, so they will lie and send the BS down he wrong path. If the AP feels remorseful or guilty or feels they have let themselves down badly, or they are angry with the WS, then they may decide to tell the whole truth in order to regain some credibility and worth for themselves. The intention may be to come across as a decent human being despite the A. If the AP is feeling superior, justified or angry or even "in the right", then I doubt the BS will find anything out and if they do, it may not be the truth. As the AP is used to deceiving and hiding the truth. It may be difficult to ascertain into which group they fall. So true. They usually have to lie to a lot of ppl about who they are "dating" so lying I'm sure comes natural for them. It doesn't bother some ppl. Link to post Share on other sites
FusionCutter Posted December 5, 2014 Share Posted December 5, 2014 So true. They usually have to lie to a lot of ppl about who they are "dating" so lying I'm sure comes natural for them. It doesn't bother some ppl. Well, I think there's a difference between sOM/OW and mOM/OW. They are two different breeds. Link to post Share on other sites
purplesorrow Posted December 5, 2014 Share Posted December 5, 2014 Well, I think there's a difference between sOM/OW and mOM/OW. They are two different breeds. How would you define the differences? Just curious. My wh's ow was single but they were both just decietful liars to me. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted December 5, 2014 Share Posted December 5, 2014 Well, I think there's a difference between sOM/OW and mOM/OW. They are two different breeds. In what way? Surely there is a degree of lying involved in both situations. Link to post Share on other sites
anika99 Posted December 5, 2014 Share Posted December 5, 2014 For me, I think it would depend on how it were discovered. If the betrayed spouse is just going by suspicion, I wouldn't admit anything because I believe ignorance is bliss and by revealing the truth when they had no concrete proof, it would deliberately cause a Dday which will indeed inflict pain on everybody and that's the last thing I would want to do. If the BS had proof, I would remain quiet because I believe you can not win either way. If the wayward spouse and myself both told the BS the truth, I feel the BS would still think we were lying or that we came up with some type of agreement to say the same thing. And if the wayward's story didn't match up with mine, I think the BS would still pick the WS's story over the other, regardless of which one of us is telling the truth. I think the BS would never be satisfied with the answers because you shouldn't ask the truth from deceivers because the only truth you'll get is what you believe to be the most believable and it could very well be a lie. A BS cannot have suspicion and be blissfully ignorant at the same time. If the BS is calling because they are suspicious then they are already feeling pain...and confusion and like they are crazy. That's why I think it so cruel and almost downright evil to continue to lie when the BS is obviously catching on. It just prolongs the pain and adds an extra layer of humiliation to the betrayal. That being said, I do agree that if the AP and WS stories don't match up the BS will likely want to believe their spouse over the AP, at least initially. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Realist3 Posted December 5, 2014 Share Posted December 5, 2014 If you were contacted by your MM/MW's BS, and asked about the status of your relationship with their spouse, would you be truthful and honest? NO!!!!!! If my MW's H is contacting me I know he isn't buying her snow job. I would never undermine her efforts just because her H had the balls to call me. In all reality I have been helping her lie to him for 5 years, why would a simple phone call or contact change that? Link to post Share on other sites
purplesorrow Posted December 5, 2014 Share Posted December 5, 2014 NO!!!!!! If my MW's H is contacting me I know he isn't buying her snow job. I would never undermine her efforts just because her H had the balls to call me. In all reality I have been helping her lie to him for 5 years, why would a simple phone call or contact change that? Maybe an opportunity to show a little empathy? A little compassion who is realizing their life is a sham? And for you it would probably free your soulmate. Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted December 5, 2014 Share Posted December 5, 2014 NO!!!!!! If my MW's H is contacting me I know he isn't buying her snow job. I would never undermine her efforts just because her H had the balls to call me. In all reality I have been helping her lie to him for 5 years, why would a simple phone call or contact change that? I can see why your profile name is Realist. You have a good point though. Link to post Share on other sites
Realist3 Posted December 5, 2014 Share Posted December 5, 2014 (edited) Maybe an opportunity to show a little empathy? A little compassion who is realizing their life is a sham? And for you it would probably free your soulmate. I have zero empathy for her husband, nor will I ever. If anything I have contempt for him. He made his bed. I have helped her more as a person than he ever could or did in their 20 years of marriage. He had his chance, and he effed up. If she wants to be free I would help her in any way I possibly could, but if he is coming to me I know what she wants. Edited December 5, 2014 by Realist3 Link to post Share on other sites
purplesorrow Posted December 5, 2014 Share Posted December 5, 2014 I have zero empathy for her husband, nor will I ever. If anything I have contempt for him. He made his bed. I have helped her more as a person than he ever could or did in their 20 years of marriage. He had his chance, and he effed up. If she wants to be free I would help her in any way I possibly could, but if he is coming to me I know what she wants. Why does she stay? Link to post Share on other sites
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