To OW/OM....if BS contacted you, would you tell the truth?

[Realist3]

Why does she stay?

 

Kids, family structure, social standing, daddy issues, and he was the one that saved her from a pathetic childhood/duty/morally conflicted.

[FusionCutter]

How would you define the differences? Just curious. My wh's ow was single but they were both just decietful liars to me.

 

How was she lying to you? She was only being insanely disrespectful to you. Your WH likely fed her a bunch of lies about you and your marriage. He built a wall between her and you. She has very little ability to see things from your point of view. Or she didn't care to try. All she knows is what she has with your WH. (unless you knew this OW personally)

[Realist3]

Kids, family structure, social standing, daddy issues, and he was the one that saved her from a pathetic childhood/duty/morally conflicted.

 

Doesn't want to be viewed as a homewrecker, either hers or mine, and it would be very public knowledge. The status quo works for the time being.

[purplesorrow]

How was she lying to you? She was only being insanely disrespectful to you. Your WH likely fed her a bunch of lies about you and your marriage. He built a wall between her and you. She has very little ability to see things from your point of view. Or she didn't care to try. All she knows is what she has with your WH. (unless you knew this OW personally)

 

Just lying in general about the relationship. Co-workers were suspicious and asked and they both lied. I don't think the poster that you replied to meant lying to the bs. But yes, she did lie to me. You don't have to get stabbed with a knife to know it will hurt.

But my question to you is what are the differences you wrote about?

[purplesorrow]

Doesn't want to be viewed as a homewrecker, either hers or mine, and it would be very public knowledge. The status quo works for the time being.

 

Oh, that pesky societal conforming stuff. Enough said.

[FusionCutter]

How would you define the differences? Just curious. My wh's ow was single but they were both just decietful liars to me.

 

There's double the betrayal and 4 people involved compared to 3. I think it's possibly a more complicated situation. There is more people involved and a higher level of complexity. Statistically I think if both people are married the chance of coming together is less than if one of the APs was single. Overall the odds are dismal.

 

From reading the boards here there is a lot of sOW here that are genuinely looking for someone. They get roped into the dark world of affairs and many end up standing alone when all the damage is done and crazy heartbroken. At least a mOW has someone to "fall back" on at the end of the day. They also know what it's like to cheat on a loved one, since they are doing it themselves. You read about many sOWs being loyal to their MMs. Which is crazy.

Edited December 5, 2014 by FusionCutter

[purplesorrow]

There's double the betrayal and 4 people involved compared to 3. I think it's possibly a more complicated situation. There is more people involved and a higher level of complexity. Statistically I think if both people are married the chance of coming together is less than if one of the APs was single. Overall the odds are dismal.

 

From reading the boards here there is a lot of sOW here that are genuinely looking for someone. They get roped into the dark world of affairs and many end up standing alone when all the damage is done and crazy heartbroken. At least a mOW has someone to "fall back" on at the end of the day. They also know what it's like to cheat on a loved one, since they are doing it themselves. You read about many sOWs being loyal to their MMs. Which is crazy.

 

If sow knew he was married, she wasn't roped into anything. She willingly signed up. But what does this have to do with the ap being a liar or not? That is what you were responding to. And, bs are not a fallback. Many WS earn a divorce. Mine did.

[FusionCutter]

If sow knew he was married, she wasn't roped into anything. She willingly signed up. But what does this have to do with the ap being a liar or not? That is what you were responding to. And, bs are not a fallback. Many WS earn a divorce. Mine did.

 

I wasn't clear when I said "roped" in, I was referring to those that the MM at first didn't let them know they were married. But you're right. They sign up willingly if they know going in. In a way some are "roped" bc the MM will tell the sOW they are leaving or unhappy or whatever. I think a large amount of the time, the MM has zero intention of leaving. However, the OW then has the "hope" the MM will leave and try to prove their love. You see this pattern repeat time and again. My therapist said this behavior is very common.

 

sOW aren't lying to any spouse since they are single. And mostly they only lie to themselves. I think a lot of sOW are very truthful to their MMS because the MMs shower them with words of affection. How do you demonstrate affection? Through truth and loyalty. You hear many stories of MMs telling their sOWs how crappy their wives are.

 

At the end of the day sOWs are sleeping alone at night after saying goodnight to their MMs.

Edited December 5, 2014 by FusionCutter

[purplesorrow]

I wasn't clear when I said "roped" in, I was referring to those that the MM at first didn't let them know they were married. But you're right. They sign up willingly if they know going in. In a way some are "roped" bc the MM will tell the sOW they are leaving or unhappy or whatever. I think a large amount of the time, the MM has zero intention of leaving. However, the OW then has the "hope" the MM will leave and try to prove their love. You see this pattern repeat time and again. My therapist said this behavior is very common.

 

sOW aren't lying to any spouse since they are single. And mostly they only lie to themselves. I think a lot of sOW are very truthful to their MMS because the MMs shower them with words of affection. How do you demonstrate affection? Through truth and loyalty. You hear many stories of MMs telling their sOWs how crappy their wives are.

 

At the end of the day sOWs are sleeping alone at night after saying goodnight to their MMs.

 

I would think lying to oneself is most harmful. If you're not honest with yourself and looking after your own best interest, who will.

[FusionCutter]

I would think lying to oneself is most harmful. If you're not honest with yourself and looking after your own best interest, who will.

 

No kidding. I think a lot of MMs also lie to themselves. (which is called denial or self delusion)

 

They truthfully do not think they are hurting anyone. They lack empathy. They don't think they're hurting their wives or their OW. As long as the secret is intact they will feel this way. I think they feel they are showing compassion by NOT telling their wives.

 

Do you think your exH felt this way about you? That he was "protecting you from the truth?"

[purplesorrow]

No kidding. I think a lot of MMs also lie to themselves. (which is called denial or self delusion)

 

They truthfully do not think they are hurting anyone. They lack empathy. They don't think they're hurting their wives or their OW. As long as the secret is intact they will feel this way. I think they feel they are showing compassion by NOT telling their wives.

 

Do you think your exH felt this way about you? That he was "protecting you from the truth?"

 

When I confonted, I already had a lot of evidence. Some I found and some from the pi. My WH said while in it, he operated on what I didn't know wouldn't hurt me. Once it came down to it, he didn't trickle truth, even told me stuff I never would have know. He has been in therapy for two years now and has made a lot of positive changes. I am very proud of him. He had said many times he was lying to everyone including himself. But yes, he did think he was somehow protecting me, funny how I didn't feel protected.

[truncated]

I don't get it. Why are so many saying thy wouldn't tell the truth because it would hurt the BS?

 

From what I can see, there are two things wrong with this.

 

first, it's the actions that hurt, not the words of truth.

 

Second, if you cared that much about he feelings of the bs, their family, kids, whatever, then why ar you sleeping with their ws? How can you possibly reconcile the two?

 

I you don't care, then say so. If you do care, end the A.

[Realist3]

I don't get it. Why are so many saying thy wouldn't tell the truth because it would hurt the BS?

 

From what I can see, there are two things wrong with this.

 

first, it's the actions that hurt, not the words of truth.

 

Second, if you cared that much about he feelings of the bs, their family, kids, whatever, then why ar you sleeping with their ws? How can you possibly reconcile the two?

 

I you don't care, then say so. If you do care, end the A.

 

 

 

Hmmm... A lack of understanding comes to mind.

[Realist3]

"I don't get it."

 

No truer words. You don't get it.

[MissBee]

If you were contacted by your MM/MW's BS, and asked about the status of your relationship with their spouse, would you be truthful and honest? Would you even speak to the BS or would you be afraid/nervous? Would you defer to your MM/MW to answer those questions or for direction on how to answer them?

 

When I was OW (twice), DDay occurred twice when the BS contacted me via phone. I was 100% truthful and honest about my relationship with their BS, and answered all the questions they had. I tried to put on a front of nonchalance, but inside I was terrified and horrified that I had participated in the affair to begin with.

 

When I had DDay with my WH, I contacted to OW via text. I wrote something to the effect of "I'm not crazy, I have no intention of harassing you...I just need to know what your relationship with my H is"

 

It took her 3 days to respond. My WH was in contact with her during that time. She finally texted back and said she apologized if her friendship with my H made her uncomfortable, but that they were ONLY friends, nothing more.

 

I texted back "thank you" and that was it, no further contact from me.

 

I don't know what to believe....as a former OW to two different MM, I felt is was the BS right to know everything she wanted to know. Is that a general feeling of OW?

 

I apologize if this is the wrong forum.

 

 

I don't know how exactly I would have responded if that had happened, but I wouldn't have denied it, lied or try to cover for him. That was something I refused to do. If he wanted to cheat, then fine, he'd have to be responsible for the telling of all lies and working out all the logistics.

 

If she had called I may have deferred her to him. If I got an email like the one you described I would have probably told him about it and then also told the truth about it or not respond.

 

I understand why most OW won't tell though. They want the relationship with MM to continue most times and often telling will prevent that as when they tell most MM will not say "Alright now it's out, I'm leaving for you" but will try to reconcile, go NC, go underground, be angry with the OW etc. So an OW who is in love will probably be more invested in preventing a dday...some to greater or lesser extents than others. For me, given the specifics of my former A, I don't think I would have had this huge impetus to lie and cover for him to keep things going but I did care about him and want him, so I would have just most likely deferred to him (which in and of itself is admission, as if a woman called about you having an affair with a man you neither know nor are in fact having an affair with, you'd most likely have no issues explaining that you don't know him or aren't sleeping with him versus saying "Ask him...").

 

If a dday occurred and the A ended and the BS wanted to compare notes I'd oblige willingly.

Edited December 5, 2014 by MissBee

[checkoutat10]

Kids, family structure, social standing, daddy issues, and he was the one that saved her from a pathetic childhood/duty/morally conflicted.

 

So not love then, you're absolutely certain? Because your MOW is a completely honest, open book?

 

My WH said while in it, he operated on what I didn't know wouldn't hurt me. Once it came down to it, he didn't trickle truth, even told me stuff I never would have know. He has been in therapy for two years now and has made a lot of positive changes. I am very proud of him. He had said many times he was lying to everyone including himself. But yes, he did think he was somehow protecting me, funny how I didn't feel protected.

 

Bolding mine.

 

My WH said the SAME exact things. That he didn't tell me because he didn't want to hurt me. I still have no idea how someone cannot see the failure in that logic. You are already hurting someone, but I can almost guarantee the pain is going to be 100x worse when that someone finds out about the lying. My WH swears up and down it was an EA only (and she does live out of state, however he spent a year working with her in Germany so um, I'm not stupid), and that he was only trying to protect me from being hurt by their friendship. Why he thinks I should believe him now is beyond me. That ship has sailed.

 

I have always been an honest person, never lied to my husband or anyone else. If you ask me, I'm going to tell you. I can't wrap my head around people who have no qualms lying to people.

 

As OW, I always felt that continuing to hide the A after being contacted by BS wouldn't benefit either one of us. The gig is already up, so to speak.

[cocorico]

In what way?

Surely there is a degree of lying involved in both situations.

 

Not always, no.

 

I didn't lie. And he merely delayed telling her until it made sense to do so.

[cocorico]

If you were contacted by your MM/MW's BS, and asked about the status of your relationship with their spouse, would you be truthful and honest? Would you even speak to the BS or would you be afraid/nervous? Would you defer to your MM/MW to answer those questions or for direction on how to answer them?

 

 

Any weird whackjob contacting me doesn't get dignified with a response, so why would she have been any different just because I knew her H? his R with her was between the two of them, nothing to do with me, just like my R with him was and is between the two of us, and nothing to do with her.

[whichwayisup]

Any weird whackjob contacting me doesn't get dignified with a response, so why would she have been any different just because I knew her H? his R with her was between the two of them, nothing to do with me, just like my R with him was and is between the two of us, and nothing to do with her.

 

I assume talking about your own situation and not implying that BS's are are weird wackjobs. This poster may not know your past history with your MM (current) husband, but the way you worded the above bolded doesn't read right and could be taken out of context.

[cocorico]

I assume talking about your own situation and not implying that BS's are are weird wackjobs. This poster may not know your past history with your MM (current) husband, but the way you worded the above bolded doesn't read right and could be taken out of context.

 

Sorry WWIU, it was a specific response referring to my specific previous context, indeed. I'd guess that the proportion of weird whackjobs among BSs is no different than among the general population. Thanks for clarifying.

[GypsumSatellite]

My MMs W knows his history. He's had another A during their M. She knows I exist and that we're not just friends but I know if she knew the extent of it... well.

 

I'm getting to the point that I no longer fear the loss of him. If his W got tired enough of his deflecting to ask me about my involvement with her H, I'd know she finally stopped believing him and wanted the truth. It wouldn't be meanspirited, just "Yes, I've been involved with him, yes he's said some things that are questionable that I think you should be aware of, yes I believe he'll continue to contact me even if he tells you he won't because he gets off on that."

[Dreamworld]

When she called me I told her the truth. Then she asked to see me in person to fully hear it out. I complied. We met in a hotel lobby. I went in prepared for a public humiliation. She was incredibly calm, which was actually scarier.

My MM had pulled a vanishing act by this time. So she needed answers.

The disclosure made me realize what I had been doing so I was truly remorseful and I felt she deserved to know. Don't know if that caused her more pain in the end, but I was the only one of his other other women on the side she didn't end up suing in her eventual divorce ( in my country adultery is punishable by law) so....yeah. Hope I helped answer your question.

[carhill]

To OW/OM....if BS contacted you, would you tell the truth?

 

Water long under the bridge, but yeah, sure, as long as the contact was peaceful and I perceived no threat to my life or safety. Back in the day I actually sent the BS our 'truth' so he could see for himself, in his wife's own handwriting. Little ambiguity there. Turned out, she shared many years later, I was apparently the only one who did such a thing; the other OM's simply moved on when the fun was over. Knowing men like I do, I tended to believe her. Their M lasted another six years after that truth ended up on their doorstep.

[still_an_Angel]

It would really depend on how she approaches me and what she wants to know. She will be asking for MY side of the story and I am under no obligation to divulge.

[goodyblue]

It would really depend on how she approaches me and what she wants to know. She will be asking for MY side of the story and I am under no obligation to divulge.

 

There was a confrontation both from her in person, and from her adult daughter with her mother screaming in the background over the telephone. Both were after he had left. In person my children were present and I ushered my children away and said nothing. On the phone I simply kept referring them back to him and answered no questions. His ex wife was his baby to rock and not my problem.