torn87 Posted December 4, 2014 Share Posted December 4, 2014 My AP broke our NC today I didn't respond and surprisingly have no urge to. He said he missed me that was all but I feel like I don't really miss him. Its hard some days I go back and forth so this could just be a fluctuation although I hope it is the norm and the days when I doubt my decisions are just the random fluxes. But for people who have ended their affairs do you still find yourself sexually attracted to or sexually missing the AP? I'm worried I'll bump into him years from now and it will still be there. I hope without seeing him or talking to him it mostly dies but how Much does it suck if it doesn't? I try to compare ending my affair with experiences I've had ending other relationships and with my execes within a matter of months I would find myself thinking what the heck he wasn't even cute so I hope this is what happens in this situation as well. Any thoughts? So far I've been staying strong but it hasn't been as hard as I thought it would be and certainly not as difficult as some have spoken about here. I mostly just focus on how much the affair "relationship" sucked wasn't really real despite how good it felt to be with him. I never liked the rollercoaster and even though I was always dramatically more attracted to my AP than I ever was my husband, having the choice between crazy sexual attraction vs sharing your life withsome one doesn't even compare. I'm very lucky to learn so much from this experience and I hope it helped realize what a healthy relationship is and how to sustain it with my husband. So far so good. Link to post Share on other sites
Rainbowlove Posted December 4, 2014 Share Posted December 4, 2014 Tough one. I'm going on a year of NC and I struggle with the same darn thoughts. I wish I was someone who could say otherwise. The NC for me is still a sort of roller coaster only I'm riding it alone. It's been a manic year. There are days when I feel I've made it out alive and I'm grateful. Then there are days when I feel so sad and then I'm mad for feeling sad. I take each day in stride. If I need to feel the loss, I feel it. I don't deny it. It's real pain still, but it is getting easier. At least that's what I'm telling myself today. Hang in there. Will you tell your husband about the contact? Link to post Share on other sites
Poppy47 Posted December 4, 2014 Share Posted December 4, 2014 Affair sex is nothing like any other thing I have experienced. It was compelling, exciting and addictive. I think ADDICTIVE is the key word. I am sure if I saw xMM I would still be wildly attracted to him. That's why I have intention of ever seeing him again. Poppy 2 Link to post Share on other sites
sunburned Posted December 4, 2014 Share Posted December 4, 2014 Feel similarly to Poppy. I am well over a year NC now and plan to stay that way forever. I don't miss him. I don't pine for him. But if I happened to bump into him, I fear I'd still feel the attraction. Link to post Share on other sites
jellybean89 Posted December 4, 2014 Share Posted December 4, 2014 At one point, you must have been attracted to your H. You obviously lost that sexual feeling when you chose to engage in an affair. It's a choice...you chose to cross boundaries which increased the sexual desire and attraction...forbidden lust and all. Of course you will stop having the attraction...as soon as you stop fantasizing about him and as soon as you truly open your eyes to the type of man he is. He is a coward, a cheater, a liar..he is disrespectful, he is distrustful and his behavior is disgusting. How are any of those qualities attractive? Link to post Share on other sites
GirlStillStrong Posted December 4, 2014 Share Posted December 4, 2014 It's really mind over matter. Take the man down from the pedestal; he's just a man. And when you find your thoughts going there, stop. There's so much more to life than an affair. Link to post Share on other sites
Author torn87 Posted December 5, 2014 Author Share Posted December 5, 2014 (edited) The attraction I felt for my husband was never very strong and at its strongest was very short lived. The sex for my husband and I has significantly improved as our communication skills grow so we are both really enjoying that even he agress the bedroom is better now than it was when we first met. I don't admire the AP as much as I did before I started the affair. Things he told me and things I found out about him in our time together would sometimes really turn me off it was really just his physical looks and how he made me feel that did it for me. It was extremely difficult after the affair had been revealed for my husband and I to be intimate for a while, but as we went to therapy and worked on our communication skills it got better and now its a different relationship entirely. I don't think about the other guy as much as I did but I was curious how other people in my situation were doing further down the road than I am. And I am going to tell my husband about the contact I enjoy being honest with him now about everything even tho a lot of times it's hard or scary. I know he won't get mad at me I did the right thing this time but my AP is a coworker of mine and my husbands so I hate making things more awkward on the work front. Hopefully my husband doesn't do anything but if he wants to its the other guys fault at this point not mine or my husbands, we are both just trying to move on. Edited December 5, 2014 by torn87 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author torn87 Posted December 5, 2014 Author Share Posted December 5, 2014 Jellybean I know he has awful qualities I'm not trying to defend him im just saying for me its hard to separate what I did and what he did as being different. We were both married and we both chose to have an affair so if that makes him a liar cheater etc, in my mind I am all those things as well. Seeing as how I'm trying to improve my depression I try not to put myself down any more than I already do so I try to stay away from labels and name calling. Did you have an affair or were you the betrayed? Link to post Share on other sites
FusionCutter Posted December 5, 2014 Share Posted December 5, 2014 My AP broke our NC today I didn't respond and surprisingly have no urge to. He said he missed me that was all but I feel like I don't really miss him. Its hard some days I go back and forth so this could just be a fluctuation although I hope it is the norm and the days when I doubt my decisions are just the random fluxes. But for people who have ended their affairs do you still find yourself sexually attracted to or sexually missing the AP? I'm worried I'll bump into him years from now and it will still be there. I hope without seeing him or talking to him it mostly dies but how Much does it suck if it doesn't? I try to compare ending my affair with experiences I've had ending other relationships and with my execes within a matter of months I would find myself thinking what the heck he wasn't even cute so I hope this is what happens in this situation as well. Any thoughts? So far I've been staying strong but it hasn't been as hard as I thought it would be and certainly not as difficult as some have spoken about here. I mostly just focus on how much the affair "relationship" sucked wasn't really real despite how good it felt to be with him. I never liked the rollercoaster and even though I was always dramatically more attracted to my AP than I ever was my husband, having the choice between crazy sexual attraction vs sharing your life withsome one doesn't even compare. I'm very lucky to learn so much from this experience and I hope it helped realize what a healthy relationship is and how to sustain it with my husband. So far so good. In your younger years, did you ever have an Exs? You managed to get over them. You will eventually get over MM. It might take months, even years. These things sting extra hard due to the crazy nature of the relationship. It's hard to forget something that is toxic to the very core and involves some of the worst things you can do to another being. They can even be equivalent to dealing with PTSD. Just know that as with all things, eventually feelings will change. They are changing each day slowly. Don't focus on the primal sexual parts of your affair. Focus on the betrayal and hurt. This is exactly why APs cannot be "friends" after it ends. Anyone who keeps contact as "friends" is only fooling themselves, because those feelings never get fully satiated, and forever "hang". Link to post Share on other sites
the_artist_1970 Posted December 5, 2014 Share Posted December 5, 2014 Affair sex is nothing like any other thing I have experienced. It was compelling, exciting and addictive. I think ADDICTIVE is the key word. I am sure if I saw xMM I would still be wildly attracted to him. That's why I have intention of ever seeing him again. Poppy Could this be because you let yourself go freely because you knew that he was unavailable. Maybe you are subconsciously more available to unavailable men due to fear of rejection. Is that possible? I know for me, although I absolutely love s*x with my hubby when he holds me all night and the assurance of knowing he is there with me 100% takes me into a euphoria. I could never get that with someone who is unavailable to be with me any time I need him and he has to hide me. Link to post Share on other sites
Poppy47 Posted December 5, 2014 Share Posted December 5, 2014 Could this be because you let yourself go freely because you knew that he was unavailable. Maybe you are subconsciously more available to unavailable men due to fear of rejection. Is that possible? I know for me, although I absolutely love s*x with my hubby when he holds me all night and the assurance of knowing he is there with me 100% takes me into a euphoria. I could never get that with someone who is unavailable to be with me any time I need him and he has to hide me. My husband died 5 years ago after 35 years of marriage, so I no longer have that luxury. Of course you can never have that availability with an AP. I think my subconscious is quite well. I understand the difference between the two types of relationships since I have had both. I was commenting on the fierce attraction that I felt towards xMM . Never want to feel that kind of obsession again. Poppy. Link to post Share on other sites
jellybean89 Posted December 5, 2014 Share Posted December 5, 2014 Jellybean I know he has awful qualities I'm not trying to defend him im just saying for me its hard to separate what I did and what he did as being different. We were both married and we both chose to have an affair so if that makes him a liar cheater etc, in my mind I am all those things as well. Seeing as how I'm trying to improve my depression I try not to put myself down any more than I already do so I try to stay away from labels and name calling. Did you have an affair or were you the betrayed? This post shows you are moving forward. Very good. You have owned your behavior and actions and that's a giant leap ahead of others. I wish you well Link to post Share on other sites
BrokenPrincess Posted December 5, 2014 Share Posted December 5, 2014 Could this be because you let yourself go freely because you knew that he was unavailable. Maybe you are subconsciously more available to unavailable men due to fear of rejection. Is that possible? Thanks for posting this, it really helped me as well. I think I am realizing that I have deep, severe rejection issues, which could explain my similar differences being intimate with my H vs xMM, as well as how devastating the breakup of the A has been to me. It's been 9 months since I last talked to him in person, and 2 years since his DDay, but I still occasionally have those terrible days where it feels fresh & raw. OP, I saw my xMM after 9 months absolute NC and 1.5yrs since last being face to face, and I still felt intensely attracted to him. Best thing is to stay NC. Link to post Share on other sites
RickFox Posted December 6, 2014 Share Posted December 6, 2014 Granted, I'm not a female but I can say I'm over and done with xmw. It took damn near three years but I got nothing for her. In fact, last time I saw her I thought to myself, what the hell did you see in her. I'm sure she's probably thought the same on her end and I no longer care Link to post Share on other sites
Rainbowlove Posted December 6, 2014 Share Posted December 6, 2014 Granted, I'm not a female but I can say I'm over and done with xmw. It took damn near three years but I got nothing for her. In fact, last time I saw her I thought to myself, what the hell did you see in her. I'm sure she's probably thought the same on her end and I no longer care I hope I get right there with you!! Here's to hope!!! Link to post Share on other sites
Author torn87 Posted December 6, 2014 Author Share Posted December 6, 2014 The artist, I think you might be exactly right. At the beginning I didn't want anything substantial with the M guy so it was the most liberating thing in my life. I had convinced myself it was just for fun and it would help me figure out what I was lacking. Instead it turned into this horrible detour of my own personnel growth and recovery and made me look for problems in my relationships rather than inward. I for whatever reason seem to have an aversion to decision making and commitment. Everything from picking clothes to wear all the way up to going ahead with my wedding when I had serious doubt's during the whole planning of it. Its something I've been working really hard at and everyday is a struggle trying to fight old habits and patterns of thought but there has been a shift however slight and I'm focusing on that. Granted my husband has helped me do all this a lot faster than I would have by myself but so far the reconciliation is exactly what our marriage needed with or without the affair. I doubt it would have happened without the affair busting our lives apart and shining a spotlight on what was really wrong with me which in turn was destroying every relationship I had family friends lovers co workers job opportunities. Thanks everyone for your input its very appreciated. Link to post Share on other sites
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