Teen wrecks 2nd car wants a third!

[flowergirl14]

I have a teen daughter who just turned 18 in November. Her grandma bought her a Saturn car prior to her getting her license. My daughter got her drivers liscense in June. In August she let her boyfriend drive it. He blew the engine. My mom promptly buys my daughter another car. A much nicer one. Two days before thanksgiving my daughter runs into the back of her boyfriends car. My mom is already wanting to get her yet another car. My husband and i disagree. She is doing poorly in school. Failing 2 out of 3 classes missing school. She is a senior. She might not graduate. We want to hold off and wait till she shows some responsibility and graduates. My mom is admant that it was an accident that she shouldnt be punished for. My mom pays for the car and insurance because she wants to. I suspect my daughter will kindly accept a car and then fail out of school. She might fail anyway but i dont think she should be rewarded. I have discussed at length our position on this. She wont listen. What do we do her parents?

[d0nnivain]

I would beg your mom not to do this. Explain that she's not doing your daughter any favors by teaching her their are no consequences to her behavior.

 

Unfortunately you can't control your mother or your 18 year old child who is a legal adult.

[beach]

I don't blame you for being frustrated with your Mom.

 

You can calmly sit her down and state that you don't intend for your daughter to drive until she has earned that privilege by doing well in school.

 

It may take explaining to Mom that she is rewarding bad behavior and a car should be earned... And your daughter hasn't yet earned it.

 

If needed you can tell Mom that any car given will sit idle until your daughter gives evidence that her grades are above average.

 

 

Hopefully Mom will respect that you are the parents and not her.

[d0nnivain]

If your mom insists that it's her money She wants to make granddaughter happy, try to persuade her to secretly take the costs of this 3rd car & sock it away in an account for your daughter's future wedding. It can earn interest & with the price of weddings these days that may end up being more meaningful because your daughter will have matured into someone better able to appreciate her grandmother's generosity by then.

[flowergirl14]

Tomorrow we have an appointment with the school counselor. My will be present...hopefully they get a wake up call!

[thefooloftheyear]

Its your kid....Put your foot down...A car is a privilege..tell your mom to stay out of it...

 

She has to show that:

 

-She can maintain good grades and do the required schoolwork

 

-She also sounds like she needs driving lessons..

 

My kid? No way!

 

Good luck

 

TFY

[bathtub-row]

Let your daughter know that regardless of whether she's legally an adult or not, as long as she lives under your roof, you will not allow her to have that car. If she insists on taking the car, then let her know she needs to find a new place to live.

 

Your mother needs to mind her own business. If she continues down this path, then tell her that your daughter is welcome to live with her.

 

Regardless of what happens, you've made your position crystal clear. That's probably the best you can do in this situation.

[whichwayisup]

I have a teen daughter who just turned 18 in November. Her grandma bought her a Saturn car prior to her getting her license. My daughter got her drivers liscense in June. In August she let her boyfriend drive it. He blew the engine. My mom promptly buys my daughter another car. A much nicer one. Two days before thanksgiving my daughter runs into the back of her boyfriends car. My mom is already wanting to get her yet another car. My husband and i disagree. She is doing poorly in school. Failing 2 out of 3 classes missing school. She is a senior. She might not graduate. We want to hold off and wait till she shows some responsibility and graduates. My mom is admant that it was an accident that she shouldnt be punished for. My mom pays for the car and insurance because she wants to. I suspect my daughter will kindly accept a car and then fail out of school. She might fail anyway but i dont think she should be rewarded. I have discussed at length our position on this. She wont listen. What do we do her parents?

 

Tell your mother to BUTT OUT and mind her own business, that she has to stop interferring.

 

Your daughter needs to suffer some major consequences! No car and focus on her marks for school.

 

If your mom gives her the car, take the keys. Though I really hope your mom doesn't give her the car, your kid needs to learn responsibility and to earn her own way, not let grandma pay for stuff and have it handed to her.

[SincereOnlineGuy]

I have a teen daughter who just turned 18 in November. Her grandma bought her a Saturn car prior to her getting her license. My daughter got her drivers liscense in June. In August she let her boyfriend drive it. He blew the engine. My mom promptly buys my daughter another car. A much nicer one. Two days before thanksgiving my daughter runs into the back of her boyfriends car. My mom is already wanting to get her yet another car. My husband and i disagree. She is doing poorly in school. Failing 2 out of 3 classes missing school. She is a senior. She might not graduate. We want to hold off and wait till she shows some responsibility and graduates. My mom is admant that it was an accident that she shouldnt be punished for. My mom pays for the car and insurance because she wants to. I suspect my daughter will kindly accept a car and then fail out of school. She might fail anyway but i dont think she should be rewarded. I have discussed at length our position on this. She wont listen. What do we do her parents?

 

 

A lot of this is confusing, and the many responses so far don't relate very much to the title of the thread.

 

We here don't know if the boyfriend's driving the first car was an absolutely forbidden thing, or whether his blowing the engine was purely his abusive driving/operating the car, or whether it merely happened on his watch.

 

So that first car might not be that much your daughter's fault.

 

 

And a girl who runs into the back of her boyfriend's car (as you put it)... doesn't exactly convey to us with certainty that this was a giant wreck, or whether it was merely her running into the back of his car (to some small extent).

 

Now was the car totaled???

 

We don't even know, from your words, how negligent your daughter automatically was in that accident.

 

 

Then your mom is due some consideration too... we (can only) assume that your mom has plenty of money, and that she can afford these cars rather whimsically...

 

Now if your mom is nearer to 81, than to 59, the equation could indeed be a bit different here. IF mom can afford it, and if mom is wanting to enjoy what she can of her life, then one's daughter should at least be mindful of ways in which mom's enjoyment can be facilitated.

 

(and trust me, that grandma gets a whole lot more out of offering a car to your daughter than she would to the girl whose mom was in the maternity ward with you 18 years ago, (and who is now probably a complete stranger) )

 

While I agree in general terms with the sentiments about incentivizing your daughter to improve her grades and make it through school, I do not feel that the car, and the graduation are mutually exclusive.

 

I assume senior activities are coming up, and I know that many of those are much more fun WITH a car, than without, and, graduating or not, I'm guessing daughter would have much more fun participating in those activities with her class, than with some random, next-year class.

 

So there is plenty to weigh there, and you don't have all of it very clearly on this page.

 

 

(obviously some people are gonna assure you {cough, choke} that IF that was their daughter, they would {somehow succeed where you are presumed-by-them to be failing} in the way of taking away the car AND making daughter reach graduation in June of 2015)

 

(but the rest of us know that to be little more than hot air)

 

 

I think you have much more data and detail to weigh than you've brought to Loveshack.

[Tayla]

just wanted to encourage the OP to read over sincereguys response. its more in tune to a realistic view. There are three issues at hand and "punishment" rarely results in positive changes. The reality may well be that your young adult daughter is not scholar material. I'd be more concerned about safety and would approach that before casting sentences for her car incidents. Lessons can be learned with love instead of ire. think about it.

[preraph]

I agree that you need to tell your mother to stop. Your daughter will never learn responsibility with this going on.

[flowergirl14]

We met with the school counselor today. Apparently they will give her another chance to take the classes for a spring 2015 graduation. However, my daughter who takes college classes in high school, now owes 1200. Bucks for failing these classes. As of yesterday she was going to drop out of school and get her g.e.d. Today she tells her counselor something different. Of course I want her to graduate high school so i am going to hope she will pull her head out of her arse and take this seriously.

As for the car.. my mom needs to mind her own buisness. I think maybe sitting down with my husband , daughter and mom and putting down some rules for her and my mom...lol

[pink_sugar]

My husband totaled his first Saturn as a teen. His parents gave him their 1976 camaro. He did get in a second accident, but that car was made of steel and was hardly damaged. Young drivers are young and immature. If she wrecked both cars, make her #1 take the bus or #2 she can save up money to buy her own, hopefully she will be more careful if her own money goes into the third car. I will also note that my husband did have a second Saturn, but I highly advise against that brand as they are basically disposable cars. They are not very reliable and have a ton of problems. I remember my husband and I had one for like 2 years before we got rid of it after $6k in fixes!

[bathtub-row]

A lot of this is confusing, and the many responses so far don't relate very much to the title of the thread.

 

We here don't know if the boyfriend's driving the first car was an absolutely forbidden thing, or whether his blowing the engine was purely his abusive driving/operating the car, or whether it merely happened on his watch.

 

So that first car might not be that much your daughter's fault.

 

 

And a girl who runs into the back of her boyfriend's car (as you put it)... doesn't exactly convey to us with certainty that this was a giant wreck, or whether it was merely her running into the back of his car (to some small extent).

 

Now was the car totaled???

 

We don't even know, from your words, how negligent your daughter automatically was in that accident.

 

 

Then your mom is due some consideration too... we (can only) assume that your mom has plenty of money, and that she can afford these cars rather whimsically...

 

Now if your mom is nearer to 81, than to 59, the equation could indeed be a bit different here. IF mom can afford it, and if mom is wanting to enjoy what she can of her life, then one's daughter should at least be mindful of ways in which mom's enjoyment can be facilitated.

 

(and trust me, that grandma gets a whole lot more out of offering a car to your daughter than she would to the girl whose mom was in the maternity ward with you 18 years ago, (and who is now probably a complete stranger) )

 

While I agree in general terms with the sentiments about incentivizing your daughter to improve her grades and make it through school, I do not feel that the car, and the graduation are mutually exclusive.

 

I assume senior activities are coming up, and I know that many of those are much more fun WITH a car, than without, and, graduating or not, I'm guessing daughter would have much more fun participating in those activities with her class, than with some random, next-year class.

 

So there is plenty to weigh there, and you don't have all of it very clearly on this page.

 

 

(obviously some people are gonna assure you {cough, choke} that IF that was their daughter, they would {somehow succeed where you are presumed-by-them to be failing} in the way of taking away the car AND making daughter reach graduation in June of 2015)

 

(but the rest of us know that to be little more than hot air)

 

 

I think you have much more data and detail to weigh than you've brought to Loveshack.

 

All of your points might be valid except for the fact that the girl's mother sees things very differently. I'm going by her take on the situation since she knows the details. If she thinks her daughter doesn't deserve another car, then that's all I need to know. She needs to stand by her decision.

[whichwayisup]

We met with the school counselor today. Apparently they will give her another chance to take the classes for a spring 2015 graduation. However, my daughter who takes college classes in high school, now owes 1200. Bucks for failing these classes. As of yesterday she was going to drop out of school and get her g.e.d. Today she tells her counselor something different. Of course I want her to graduate high school so i am going to hope she will pull her head out of her arse and take this seriously.

As for the car.. my mom needs to mind her own buisness. I think maybe sitting down with my husband , daughter and mom and putting down some rules for her and my mom...lol

 

You and your husband talk first, put a plan together and have each others backs, then talk you two talk to your mom. Your daughter doesn't need to be present for that conversation...Afterwards, you and your H speak to your daughter and explain the 'house' rules to her.

 

Your mom gets no say in how you run things in your family. She is the grandmother but she should not be interfering or taking over at all.