Sue22 Posted March 21, 2005 Share Posted March 21, 2005 Well, here is the story. Before I moved away I was thinking that my BF of three years wasn't actually the one for me, not for any reason in particular but because I just wasn't sure. I moved away for just 7 months, and I met someone. We both are attracted to each other but we realized, mutually, that any type of relationship we would have would have to be a fling because I would most likely be moving away in 4 months. A few nights ago, we made out. Nothing more yet, but I'm afraid of what might happen. I know if I tell my bf this, it would be the end, but I don't know what to do, considering my issues before I moved. I could not tell him and try to pick things up where we left off, or I could tell him how I feel and see what happens from there and leave the other guy out of it... Any suggestions? Link to post Share on other sites
Yankee Lima Posted March 21, 2005 Share Posted March 21, 2005 Sue, I wouldn't tell him but I'd definitely consider breaking up. If he's not what you really really want, then go find someone you're attracted to and build a relationship. I've got my own issues in a similar but different scenario. I wish I had the opportunity, like you do, to end something that's not what makes me happy. Good luck. YL Link to post Share on other sites
life loser Posted March 21, 2005 Share Posted March 21, 2005 not that I have had a lot of experience with two women wanting me at the same time, but I generally drwaw the line of "cheating" at actual sexual acts (BJs, hand-jobs, fingering, etc.) not "just kissing". If nothting further happend, and you think nothing further will, just chalk it up to experience and save your bf and yourself a lot of grief. However, even if it has gotten 'sexual' and you think you are in love with htis guy, you should tell your boyfriend before something does happen Link to post Share on other sites
opaleye Posted March 21, 2005 Share Posted March 21, 2005 I think that kissing is cheating. Anything like that which you wouldn't do if your partner was watching can be classed as cheating. And yes I think you should tell him. If your relationship can't handle your cheating then that's just the way it is. If it can then you can grow from it. Link to post Share on other sites
life loser Posted March 21, 2005 Share Posted March 21, 2005 Originally posted by opaleye Anything like that which you wouldn't do if your partner was watching can be classed as cheating. I like that - it's a good defination I can agree with Link to post Share on other sites
Cecelius Posted March 21, 2005 Share Posted March 21, 2005 You should tell him, no question -- he has a right to know who he's in a relationship with and no man ever wants someone doing him the favor of deciding who is best for him. You should also consider breaking up -- maybe the existing b/f isn't perfect for you. But, yes, the b/f deserves to know. Link to post Share on other sites
WithOrWithoutYou Posted March 21, 2005 Share Posted March 21, 2005 It sounds like you have big reservations about the boyfriend anyway. Yes, you screwed up, but it isn't like you slept with the guy, and people get lonely in long-distance relationships. If you care enough about your BF to make it work with him, then what you should do is just forget the stupid kiss happened FOR NOW, and do NO CONTACT with the new guy, on your own (because that is something your BF would reasonably request if you told him anyway, and if you really want to make it work with your old BF, it is the right thing to do). When you get back to your BF and some time has gone by, tell him of your indiscretion then, that it was only a kiss, and that you are sorry, but realized how much you cared about him before anything happened, put a stop to it, did no contact with the other guy, etc. etc. etc. But see, I don't think no contact with the other guy is something you really want to do. If that isn't something you really want to do, just break up with your old BF, and do it now. It's the decent thing to do, and doing anything besides that is just being unfair to both of you and jerking him around. If he asks if the breakup is because there is someone new, tell him the truth, say you are sorry, and wish him the best. It will hurt him, but it is better than jerking him around, lying to him, keeping him as the backup plan, and then dumping him when you are comfortable enough with the new guy to decide that what you have now is better - that just isn't right. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Sue22 Posted April 4, 2005 Author Share Posted April 4, 2005 Thanks for the advice. I agree with the definition of cheating as doing things you woudn't do in front of your partner, but that would mean no hugging a friend or anything, because my bf is quite the jealous type. The fact that I am not sorry it happened should tell me some stuff, but I just don't have the whatever right now to do what I should. Link to post Share on other sites
RecordProducer Posted April 4, 2005 Share Posted April 4, 2005 DON'T TELL HIM! Spare him! Deal with the dilemma yourself and leave him out of it. What you don't know won't hurt you. So why hurt him? I don't want to preach you, but it's not good to cheat. You better figure out what you want and what you don't. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Sue22 Posted April 4, 2005 Author Share Posted April 4, 2005 That's kind of the approach I'm taking. I will probably end it with him, but I'm not planning on telling him. Oddly enough, if I stay with him I will probably tell him, which will probably cause him to leave me. So either way, out he goes. Link to post Share on other sites
Sal Paradise Posted April 4, 2005 Share Posted April 4, 2005 I think you should tell him no matter what. He deserves to know the real reason its ending. He should know its not him and its your problem. You broke his trust by cheating the least you can do is end it the right way, the honest way. I think he deserves that much. Link to post Share on other sites
Cecelius Posted April 4, 2005 Share Posted April 4, 2005 A lot of people will cut a little extra slack for cheating "on the way out". It's not good and it tends to show a person who stuck around in the relationship primarily for their own convenience, but it's at least better than all the posts on this board from those who are completely in love with their b/f or g/f but somehow things got out of hand with someone else... If you're going to end it, I wouldn't bother telling him (unless you think the story will get around). I would just end it sooner. I've looked at this issue in the past and the things that occur to me in relating to people who have cheated in the past is (1) if they were to break up with me, I probably would assume they banged someone else before doing it and would I want to put up with that and (2) while being dumped kind of sucks, being de-pantsed on the way out (by someone cheating) basically erases anything there ever was. So looking forward to your next relationships, you do not want to have the brand "cheater" firmly attached to you. Most men will rationally shy away. Just treat the existing guy as respectfully as you think he deserves. Link to post Share on other sites
IhavenoFREAKINclue Posted April 4, 2005 Share Posted April 4, 2005 Don't tell him. What he doesn't know wont hurt him. I know what your thinking "Well if he cheated I would want him to tell me" No you won't! Plus if he did you guys are even so you can't get mad. Don't say a word. Somethings are better left unsaid. Link to post Share on other sites
d'Arthez Posted April 4, 2005 Share Posted April 4, 2005 What he does not know will definitely hurt IHNFC. Even if she breaks up immediately, the situation will become quite messy. He can only guess at the reasons, and as long as he won't have a valid reason in his perception, Sue22 will force him to let him think that she is some evil creature, who took a liking in tormenting him. And then the truth might come out, adding a few extra injuries and scars. Spare him these hurts, and tell honestly that you have messed up, and take the blame and deal with it yourself, Sue22. It is only fair that you have to deal with your own screw-ups is not it? Link to post Share on other sites
Grinning Maniac Posted April 10, 2005 Share Posted April 10, 2005 *sighs* Ok...listen up you silly dames. I'm only going to say this once. STOP. WITH. THE. "SPARING FEELINGS". BULL****. It is bull**** and you know it. Just stop it. Please. You just don't want to own up to your mistakes. You don't want to deal with the consequences of what you've done. Sparing feelings my ass. If you really believe that lying to someone is going to save them from any pain, you are an idiot and I'd appreciate it if you stayed far away from me and *spare me* the wasted time. What is with you ladies? Can any of you tell me how in the hell that idea seems LOGICAL to you? If you lie to someone about ANYTHING in a relationship, be it cheating or any other smaller issue in that relationship it will only make things WORSE. How are so MANY of you so very, very STUPID to believe that keeping things to yourselves will make the situation allll better? Who taught you that? They were obviously stone-drunk when they told you. If you cheat on someone and you hide it: - When we DO find out (and we often do) we hate you for being such a lying whore. - If we don't find out, we NEVER get any closure on the relationship if it ends. - You effectively torpedo any chances of us ever trusting you again or wanting to take you back if that's your aim. - You s-t-r-a-n-g-l-e to death any possibilty of us ever being on friendly terms with you. You will be lucky if we don't flip you off and yell "cum guzzling whore" on sight afterwards If you have a gripe in the relationship and you hide it: - Nothing ever gets better because we don't know anything's wrong. - You just get more and more pissed off and wonder why things don't get better (stupidstupidstupid) - The relationship likely ends terribly over crap that we weren't even aware of. I wish you chicks would stop being so stupid when it comes to things like this. There is NOTHING more pathetic and ironic than a society of women rahh-rahhing over being equal to men but being such COMPLETE COWARDS that they're afraid of opening their frigging mouths. You've got to be joking... Whatever. Good luck in your next delusion, I mean, relationship. Link to post Share on other sites
Cecelius Posted April 12, 2005 Share Posted April 12, 2005 I gotta say, I agree with GrinningManiac's emotion. Whether its a man thing or not, the fact is, there's nothing on the planet that will convert your g/f into an instant 'ho that you NEVER would have dated or deigned to have sex with like cheating. You want to put yourself on the block for sale? Let me out first. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Sue22 Posted April 16, 2005 Author Share Posted April 16, 2005 Ok, grinningmaniac. I respect your feelings, but I disagree with you. I tell my boyfriend about problems I have. I told him before I kissed this other guy that I was not happy with things that were going on. I told him what they were, very bluntly, and I told him how long things had been going on (and some issues it was not the first time I have brought it up). I do this, because I know guys are dense and they like to be told things directly and without having to infer anything. So that's what I do. So, he was well aware of these problems before I kissed this other guy (which is all we did. I am not, as you say, a cum guzzling whore). FYI everyone, I have told him what happened, and he understands what was going on. He was and is hurt, but it happened and we're going to stay together and try to repair our relationship when I get back. Yes, I am lucky. And I know it. Link to post Share on other sites
Grinning Maniac Posted April 17, 2005 Share Posted April 17, 2005 *had almost forgetten about this thread* 1) I think you're taking my post a little too personally. It wasn't really directed towards you in the first place. I was mostly responding to the people who were advising you to lie to your boyfriend, and was talking about ALL women who have the strange idea that keeping secrets and not voicing concerns will somehow strengthen a relationship. "Spare his feelings", "what he doesn't know won't hurt him", etc... 2) If you understand that men need to be made aware of any issues in a relationship before they reach a boiling point...and have been practicing this in your own relationships...what exactly do you disagree with me about? I'm a bit confused. In any case, glad things worked out for you both. Link to post Share on other sites
Cecelius Posted April 18, 2005 Share Posted April 18, 2005 I'll copy-cat on Maniac again to respectfully point out that telling one's b/f one is having problems is not adequate notice to the boyfriend that what one means is "I feel that I am justified in banging another guy..." Link to post Share on other sites
LoveAlways Posted April 19, 2005 Share Posted April 19, 2005 What happened? Are you keeping it quiet still or did ya tell him. I had the exact same situation as you with my EX-boyfriend - notice the ex because my cheating "on the way out" (i.e. after I had already told him my problems with the relationship and wanted to end things anyway), messed everything up. I told him - late- and thats probably why the damage was as bad as it is. The longer you keep the secret the worse your outcome will be. Link to post Share on other sites
LoveAlways Posted April 19, 2005 Share Posted April 19, 2005 I mean "messed everything up" in the sense that as well as ruining mutual respect/unconditional love for eachother, it ruined our chances of eva getting back togetha. My ex boyfriend, who I still respect and consider one of the most important and special ppl I will ever meet, has changed their opinion of me forever and it was deserved - I CHEATED ON HIM!!! No matter how little it meant, how unstimulating or incomparable it was or whatever ~ you cheated, you broke the trust, you broke the bond, and for me I took away the respect he had for me and things btwn us will never (ever) be the same. I personally think lying is the boomerang of all love's faults. The lie will either come out, you will be lied to or karma will get back to you. Its only fair isnt it. And if you happily conceal the lie, without batting an eyelid, and have no sense of guilt then you're extremely different to me cos my conscience has to be clear in order to be happy Link to post Share on other sites
Faith77 Posted April 22, 2005 Share Posted April 22, 2005 Here's my story. I have/had i a really nice boyfriend who i cheated on because our relationship has been on and off and dont seem to be improving. Anyway i meet this other guy, actually i've known him for a while but only startes talking to him a few months now. we both like each other. i slept with him and now i'm really regretting it. the worst part is i was a virgin. my question is...if i should get back together with my boyfriend will he notice that i am not longer a virgin? and should i tell him what i did? Link to post Share on other sites
Lonestar Posted April 22, 2005 Share Posted April 22, 2005 Take it to the grave Link to post Share on other sites
d'Arthez Posted April 22, 2005 Share Posted April 22, 2005 If it was an off period, it does not matter, and it was not cheating. If it was an on period, it does matter and is cheating. I take it was an "on" period? Or was it during an "off" period, and you still felt as if it were cheating? That is understandable, but not formally true. Either way, the relationship with your bf is not healthy at all, and I thnk you realize that yourself. If you want to save this relationship, you both have to mature and stop the on-off thing. What are the causes to the on / off thing? Can you address these issues? If that is the case, maybe you can work things out, if the two of you get back together. Otherwise it is better to forget about this, especially if you felt you have cheated. As for telling him, it would only become an issue, if the two of you would try to make the relationship work. If that is not going to happen, and it was during an off period, you don't have to tell him. Link to post Share on other sites
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