7 year friendship. To rekindle or to not rekindle ?

[freebird31]

My best friend and I of 7 years stopped talking 7 months ago. Contact between us started to fade and die out within the last year of our friendship when she was in a relationship and neglected our friendship. The effed up part was that this was time when I most needed her of all times, because I just got broken a part by my first boyfriend. In that last year, it felt like a one sided friendship...me obviously doing the reaching out to her...until eventually it just died out altogether. Anyway, about 5 months ago I ran into her, We had a brief small talk which was so weird to have being that this person used to be my best friend/sister/ person I shares e errything with. After that day she text me and I told me we should hang out. And that she never expected our friendship to become the way it did. I found it insulting that the only reason she wanted to hang out with me was bc I ran into her at her work. Had we not had that brief conversation or run into each other I probably would have never received that text. I expressed to her my feelings of how I felt we grew apart and I needed her in that dark time in my life and she not seeming to be there. The last thing I said In the text was that "I don't know where our friendship stands to be honest" after that she never responded and eventually deleted me from facebook. after 7 months of not being friends, about 4 months since that text message I miss our friendship. But I refuse to reach out to her because I feel like if she wants to be frienDs with me, SHE should have stepped up. Other people tell me I was too harsh in the text I had sent her because she was trying to rekindle our friendship. I just am not sure if I agree with those who say it was harsh because I feel like she was just trying to rekindle the friendship on HER terms. I don't work that way.

 

Anyway, I do miss our friendship when it was good and real. But something to tells me I should leave it alone but somethig also tells me this was a 7 year friendship maybe I should reach out to her? I also still feel really angry at her. I would probably resent her as well for me being the one reaching out making the extended effort, yet again. But then again, maybe she is sorry. I just am not sure what to do.

Edited December 5, 2014 by freebird31

[Survivor12]

Reminds me of something my Dad would have said--

 

"Is it really worth cutting off your nose to spite your face?"

 

Think about it.

[freebird31]

I could let it go...being that I really miss our friendship. I can forgive her and give her a second chance. But all in all, I can't get over this anger I feel for her. How she so carelessly disgarded our friendship. I miss our friendship but just am not sure if I think giving her a second chance is worth the risk of her letting me down again.

[preraph]

You're going to have to learn to control your impulsive temper. She did try to make amends when she ran into you. If she's known you that long, she probably knew you'd be ill tempered about the whole thing and that there could be a confrontation, and that's probably why she wasn't eager to reach out.

 

If you contact her, start by saying you had been feeling resentment all this time and had to get it off your chest but that you realize you should have first accepted her willingness to rekindle the friendship and then talked it out rather than texted it out.

[freebird31]

You're going to have to learn to control your impulsive temper. She did try to make amends when she ran into you. If she's known you that long, she probably knew you'd be ill tempered about the whole thing and that there could be a confrontation, and that's probably why she wasn't eager to reach out.

 

If you contact her, start by saying you had been feeling resentment all this time and had to get it off your chest but that you realize you should have first accepted her willingness to rekindle the friendship and then talked it out rather than texted it out.

 

See, the thing is I have already confronted her once before. I had let her know it felt like we were growing apart and were not seeing much of each other. Even after that confrontation which was many many months before our friendship ended, she still never changed her ways. I was going through some crazy stuff during that dark time and she was no where to be found. And I just can't find it in me, after reflecting and replying to you, to let the anger go. I feel like that was her chance to really say something. She could have said that she was sorry or that she didn't know she was acting that way. But she didn't. Instead she stopped responding and deleted me off facebook. Which is just another reason that angers me even more. I'm have always been there for her, through every little thing she has went to from her breakups, her parents divorce, everything! I resent her to be honest. I feel like she is really selfish. After writing this to you, I'm not even sure if I want that type of "friend" in my life.

 

 

Also, it was not an impulsive text. I chose to say those things to her. I wanted her to know that she had hurt me. And I did mean everything I had said at the time. I did not know, just like I had told her, where our friendship really stood at that time. And that was her opportunity to say something to me. I might have been harsh by telling her the truth. But I don't regret anything I said to her that day. She well-deserved to know that truth and nothing short of it. Idk. I mean maybe I could reach out say something again to her, but it just makes me feel unsettled knowing I might be walking into the wrong direction. Maybe she's not supposed to be a part of my life anymore.

Edited December 6, 2014 by freebird31

[Survivor12]

What you're missing is that what you call "the truth" is YOUR truth &, in reality, there are three sides to every story.

 

You are expecting her to think, feel & act the way you do, but friendship is about understanding & respecting differences. I have a dear friend who is not very helpful in consoling others. In order to empathize, she turns the focus to her own reasons for grief. When my Dad died recently, rather than ask about him or how I was coping, she talked about how she felt when her grandmother died years ago. Anyone listening would have assumed that she had experienced the most recent loss. Yet, whenever I need a hand with something, no matter how big or small, she is the first in line to offer to help.

 

That's how she shows she cares about me.

 

On the other hand, she rarely calls on me to run an errand for her or to help her with physical tasks, but I have listened for hours about her problems with her bf, her job & life in general. She knows that when she needs a shoulder, I'm here for her.

 

She's the do-er, I am the consoler. We don't owe each other anything.It's who we are & accepting each other is what our friendship is based on. And when we do run into a snag now & then, we TALK about it, clear the air & move on.

 

A friendship takes two people who like & care about each other enough to want to share a part of themselves. It's not about obligation or keeping score.

 

Obviously, there must be something about your friendship with her that is valuable to you or you wouldn't be interested in being friends with her. You have already "confronted" her & let her know how you feel so your choice is either to accept her for who she is--not who you want her to be--& reach out or you walk away.

 

PS if you do reach out & she is interested in talking with you, instead of telling her what you think/feel/want (which you already know), ask her what she thinks/feels/wants in a friendship. Keep an open mind & try not to be defensive. You may be surprised at what you hear.

[preraph]

Well, the reason I said you needed to control yourself is because in the other post, you acted remorseful that instead of accepting her apology, you blew up. So my reasoning is if you want to keep the friendship, have to be more controlled and forgiving.

 

However, you may be right that this isn't worth saving. A friend who isn't there in a crisis is a useless friend. So block her every way back.

[freebird31]

What you're missing is that what you call "the truth" is YOUR truth &, in reality, there are three sides to every story.

 

You are expecting her to think, feel & act the way you do, but friendship is about understanding & respecting differences. I have a dear friend who is not very helpful in consoling others. In order to empathize, she turns the focus to her own reasons for grief. When my Dad died recently, rather than ask about him or how I was coping, she talked about how she felt when her grandmother died years ago. Anyone listening would have assumed that she had experienced the most recent loss. Yet, whenever I need a hand with something, no matter how big or small, she is the first in line to offer to help.

 

That's how she shows she cares about me.

 

On the other hand, she rarely calls on me to run an errand for her or to help her with physical tasks, but I have listened for hours about her problems with her bf, her job & life in general. She knows that when she needs a shoulder, I'm here for her.

 

She's the do-er, I am the consoler. We don't owe each other anything.It's who we are & accepting each other is what our friendship is based on. And when we do run into a snag now & then, we TALK about it, clear the air & move on.

 

A friendship takes two people who like & care about each other enough to want to share a part of themselves. It's not about obligation or keeping score.

 

Obviously, there must be something about your friendship with her that is valuable to you or you wouldn't be interested in being friends with her. You have already "confronted" her & let her know how you feel so your choice is either to accept her for who she is--not who you want her to be--& reach out or you walk away.

 

PS if you do reach out & she is interested in talking with you, instead of telling her what you think/feel/want (which you already know), ask her what she thinks/feels/wants in a friendship. Keep an open mind & try not to be defensive. You may be surprised at what you hear.

 

Reading what you wrote really has helped to reflect on everything. Thanks for the insight... But i never once kept score on the times we were there for each other. We have always been there for one another...UP until a certain point. I mean at the time i had a boyfriend so i didnt really notice that we were growing apart, BUT i did mention it to her that we should not be so caught up in our relationships and forget about one another. I also told her a second time right after the break up. I understand what youre saying how some people are not "consolers" but i hardly think thats the case here. After my break up, i was seriously dead inside. I was on a whole 'nother level depressed and broken. Shoot, still am sometimes. BUT i told her again how we never saw much of each other. Instead of listening to me and talking it out with me, SHE reacted defensively and told me that she had just been busy and that it was not because of her boyfriend. (LIES, LIES, LIES) she completely disregarded my feelings and never apologized. so i dropped it. I mean what can you say to someone who doesn't feel sorry. So i let it go. from then on, i kind of just let the friendship die out. I gave her her space, even though i was struggling inside. We would hang out sometimes, every now and then, when she wasnt with her boyfriend of course. But just to do things like go to clubs, bars. (and sometimes it was even to spite her boyfriend) We never did the stuff we used to like spend the night at eachothers houses, or rent movies, or stayed in and hung out. Looking back and reflecting on everything, i have realized what choice i want to make. I will, by no means, ever reach out to her for i am still hurt and angered by what a lousy and selfish "friend" she was. If one day she reaches out and apologizes i may consider giving her a second chance. But she doesnt deserve my friendship to be honest. I understand what youre saying...but she by no means, wasnt there for me because she doesnt think or feel like i do. She wasnt there for me because she was simply selfish. And looking back and reflecting and writing this out has made me realize im better off without that negativity in my life weighing me down

 

 

to be honest, i also think we just grew apart because we though so differently from one another. She was in a very unhealthy relationship with a guy who had no respect with her (i say 'was' because i heard they are no longer together). I honestly could not understand her frame of thought as to why she stayed in this relationship, but maybe it could be some deep-rooted isues that i should not judge her for. I also think she was intimidated by my maturity at the time. (Instead of begging him back, i let him go. and actually told him we shouldnt speak anymore) I think this intimidated her because she had a hard time letting bad relationships go. We had nothing in common anymore.

 

 

i do miss her. I dont think I have ever had a friend who was that close to me as her. I have never shared that bond with anyone else. I mean, i have good good friends who i can trust who i have known for many years. But the bond is just not quite the same as the one that me and her shared. But again, i dont want that negativity in my life. And unless she is genuinely sorry for her behavior, i dont think i will ever be friends with her. But i guess thats just life for you....live to learn, learn to live.

Edited December 7, 2014 by freebird31

[darkmoon]

she found you insulting, ok, but soon as i read that i saw a demanding person, just look - she did not come looking for you either

[freebird31]

Well then , I must be one hell of a demanding person then huh? lol she may have even done herself a good thing for herself by not being a friend to me. Now she doesn't have to worry about my damndingness anymore. Everyone wins !! Would u look at that?

[Toodaloo]

You can't have a go at someone for not being there for you when they also may have had a lot on their own plate. She tried to tell you that she was busy with things and you jumped to assuming she was telling fibs.

 

I think you have been rather unfair to be honest. Its not as if she used you or dumped you completely. She tried to get back in touch and you responded in anger so she has respectfully left you alone thinking that is what you want. All your actions have been to push her away.

 

I think you should just leave it and move on.

[Almond_Joy]

OP, your friendship sounds so similar to me and my best girlfriend's. We understand each other very well but she prefers more contact, more talking, more support. Though I react to things emotionally the same way, I don't have that need to talk things out with other people all the time. I learned to be a more supportive and communicative friend from the friendship and we are each other's best friends.

 

Having said that, her and I both have been through some very rough emotional patches. We both look to each other for support, but there have been times where we have not been able to be there for each other (notice I said times, more than once). Why? Because we each have our own life troubles to deal with. By the reasoning you've given here, it sounds like even If she was going through things too, you think that she should have forgone focusing on taking care of things in her own life to help you with your problems.

 

After years of friendship, and assuming you guys were still close at that time, it's more than likely that if she could have been there for you during that rough time she would have. But she is only human, and her emotional and physical energy is finite. She has to take care of herself and her life first and foremost, otherwise how can she be in a position of strength and happiness to be a good friend to anyone? It is very unfair of you to fault her for that.

 

Maybe you just found the way she told you this abrupt or cold, but she did not disrespect you, or disregard you. You asked her for support, for whatever reason she wasn't in a position to give it and told you so. When my girlfriend tells me something like this, I respect that.

 

If you don't believe her when she told you she couldn't be there for you then your friendship wasn't very stable anyways so it seems senseless to pursue it. I hope you can look past your own emotions and need for retribution to understand that all people will fall short of our expectations or needs sometimes. Shortfalls like that don't mean that the person is accountable to you for them, or that the relationship you have with them should end as a result.

 

If you need something that that friend can't give, you can always take it upon yourself to find other people to talk to or others ways to work through your problems also, instead of placing the brunt of your problem-resolution responsibility on one person.

Edited December 9, 2014 by Almond_Joy

[Sugarkane]

This sounds like my situation. When I was having personal problems, I told my platonic school friend (of 10years). So it wasnt like he didnt know. But instead I got ostracized and dumped by Facebook.

[Standard-Fare]

OP, two important realities:

 

1) You must accept that you and your friend will NEVER again have the type of closeness you once had in the past. That phase existed in a special space and time, and you won't ever be able to replicate or replace it. Don't go striving for that or expecting that, because you will fail.

 

But the good news is that foundation can serve as the building block of a strong (but different) friendship in the future. You know each other intimately, you have once loved each other. Nothing can erase that.

 

2) With female friends, as you grow older and develop serious relationships with guys, the dynamics just inevitably change -- and that is also something you must accept. It's unfortunate that she was/still is in a serious relationship while yours has devolved. But it's not her fault that her timing didn't match yours and she wasn't able to stop her life to deal with your own heartbreak.

 

If you really care for her, you have to try to respect the relationship she's in, whether or not you become friends with the guy. You need to learn how to hang out with the two of them together as a couple, if you want to see her. And you need to not judge her for getting intense with this guy, even if you don't agree with it.

 

--- If you think you can handle those two realities, it is worth reaching out to her and trying to rekindle something, with adjusted expectations.

[Omei]

I don't think there was anything wrong with the fact you expressed your disappointment and feelings on how things ended, stuff doesn't magically fall into place and she picked to ignore you.

 

I agree she should of stepped up if she cared about your friendship she would of.

 

I wouldnt try to rekindle its still only you trying

[freebird31]

I understand what most of you are saying....How I may have been unfair to her. The thing is, I really have tried to be fair with her, hense the reason why we continued to remain friends for one year after the initial confrontation. I always gave her the benefit of the doubt. I didnt expect for her to give me all of her attention, to be there for me EVERY way that she could. Of course, id never ask someone for that much of their energy or time. All I wanted was just SOME sort of support, just some. Just one night a month when we can hang out like we had used to. Just something to show that she was at least my friend still. I did know she was not telling me the whole complete truth when she said she was "busy", and i was not assuming because I would see her posts on social meeting of her going out with her boyfriend and his friends. They would go bar-hopping and do all these things. It just really hurt at the time, because I was going through a difficult time and even after I expressed to her what I felt, it felt as if she disregarded it. I understand that she was in a relationship, and we tend to get caught up in that and neglect friends. I get that, it happens. Idk. Maybe we did just grow apart. Maybe it doesnt have anything to do with her "not being there for me." I just think we stopped being close after a certain point in time, its sad to say that it will never go back to how it used to be.

 

I know my words may have even pushed her away. But i feel like she was/is content or not affected that we werent close anymore. Why would I reach out to her ? I am always the person that cares too much, that puts the extra effort. I cant find it in me to do it this time....dk why. Think its best that I just move forward this time.

 

I just feel like I was being honest with what I felt. And she chose to delete me off Facebook. How does that put her in the right? Im sorry, but thats where the line is drawn for me.

Edited December 16, 2014 by freebird31

[Sugarkane]

This is exactly how I feel about my own situation.

I understand what most of you are saying....How I may have been unfair to her. The thing is, I really have tried to be fair with her, hense the reason why we continued to remain friends for one year after the initial confrontation. I always gave her the benefit of the doubt. I didnt expect for her to give me all of her attention, to be there for me EVERY way that she could. Of course, id never ask someone for that much of their energy or time. All I wanted was just SOME sort of support, just some. Just one night a month when we can hang out like we had used to. Just something to show that she was at least my friend still. I did know she was not telling me the whole complete truth when she said she was "busy", and i was not assuming because I would see her posts on social meeting of her going out with her boyfriend and his friends. They would go bar-hopping and do all these things. It just really hurt at the time, because I was going through a difficult time and even after I expressed to her what I felt, it felt as if she disregarded it. I understand that she was in a relationship, and we tend to get caught up in that and neglect friends. I get that, it happens. Idk. Maybe we did just grow apart. Maybe it doesnt have anything to do with her "not being there for me." I just think we stopped being close after a certain point in time, its sad to say that it will never go back to how it used to be.

 

I know my words may have even pushed her away. But i feel like she was/is content or not affected that we werent close anymore. Why would I reach out to her ? I am always the person that cares too much, that puts the extra effort. I cant find it in me to do it this time....dk why. Think its best that I just move forward this time.

 

I just feel like I was being honest with what I felt. And she chose to delete me off Facebook. How does that put her in the right? Im sorry, but thats where the line is drawn for me.

[freebird31]

I just feel like if she cared, or if she felt as if I was wrong, she could have spoke up and said something or at least made an effort to disagree with me. just SOMETHING, you know. I understand where you all are coming from. And you may even have a point. But at the end of the day, she chose to ignore my message and delete me off facebook. If she felt as if I was wrong, or as if I was missing something, or there was a misunderstanding somewhere, she could have just said something! We have been friends for 7+ years, we are comfortable enough to just speak up. But she didn't.... And thats why i wont ever reach out to her again...because it honestly once again feels like she has no interest or care to really fix things. Those of you who made the point that she made an effort to reach out to me...well you are right, she did reach out and try to talk to me. And in that message, i felt i explained to her what I was feeling. I do not think that I was pushing her away, I was just being honest with how I felt. And if being honest pushes someone to delete me off facebook, rather than trying to work through the real issue, then maybe thats not the kind of person I want in my life anyway.

[xxmusical]

I understand your situation and I definitely don't think you're wrong for telling her your feelings. I actually applaud you for confronting her about your feelings. Friendship takes two to work. There's a limit for everyone, a limit of how much effort to put into something. There will always be a point where it becomes too much. At this stage, it's ok to step back. I know you're probably feeling very nostalgic about the "back then"s and the "old days" but they're long gone. It's unlikely the friendship between you two would be like the old days anymore and it's ok to accept that.

 

I cannot say you're wrong, yet I cannot say she's wrong. She chose to put her priorities elsewhere, whereas you put her at the top of your list. Friendships start to fade when both persons feel differently about the friendship and creates an imbalance. And that's ok too, if you could accept that your friendship wasn't like it used to be anymore. I am still friends with people who I'm no longer close to (and they were my "best friends" back then). But obviously you want something deeper from the friendship, and she doesn't. I don't think there's a point in rekindling the friendship, unless she wants to.