My jealousy is making me want to commit suicide

[ASmileyGirl]

Hi Loveshackers,

 

 

This is my first post. I’m not quite sure how long it will turn out. Basically, for as long as I can remember I have been plagued by tremendous jealousy issues. This trait has practically devastated my life. I’ve explored endlessly in my own mind WHY this issue affects me so much; I’m a Scorpio, I was an only child for years, the hyper sexualisation of women in the media, the climate of promiscuity that runs rampant in our generation, the fact that everything from selling a chocolate bar to a the clothes available for a 14 year old in stores is centred on sex and desire.

 

 

I basically feel that this issue is driving me insane. It’s gotten to the point for me that I’ve contemplated suicide because I just do not know how to evade this feeling.

 

 

To show you how bad it is...it consumes me on a daily basis. My jealousy to some degree affects everything in my life but is primarily geared towards other women. I am jealous of any woman that is prettier or younger or has achieved more or is more interesting, funnier etc, basically anything ‘more’ than me. I know that I am an attractive woman but that is clouded by jealousy. I can’t seem to see my own positives, I simply see everyone elses and by comparison, I always feel a lack. I feel that our society is so obsessed with throwing out the old and getting in the new that it is impossible to feel valued as a person.

 

 

Our culture only promotes beauty, youth and sex. If you are unattractive, old or not sexy, you are out. Everywhere we look, sex is the focus; music videos, movies, advertising, shopping, clubbing – just everything. Although I know that I am an attractive, beautiful, sexy, intelligent and capable young woman – I am not secure, and it’s because I constantly feel that I am not ‘enough’ in the eyes of the world. You only need to read the comments on YouTube or IMDB about female celebrities (supposedly the pinnacle of female beauty) to see how devalued, abused and rejected women are when they age. Although I’ve felt this way since I was a young girl, it’s getting worse as I get older, probably because the issues just become exacerbated.

 

 

I have a wonderful, doting boyfriend who is faithful, loyal and not part of the club seen, but my jealousy still follows me. I know that I’m going to end up pushing my boyfriend away, self sabotaging and destroying this relationship. I don’t even like to talk to or be friends with more attractive women, I hate my boyfriend to have female friends, even if I don’t consider them to be attractive, I feel threatened if he watches a music video or a movie with an attractive woman in it...

 

 

Basically this isn’t healthy...it’s driving me crazy. If I feel this way at 25, how will I feel at 60? I know it’s completely irrational, paranoid and excessive but what hurts me is that I feel it’s all founded in a kernel of truth; as we age we get closer to death and thus less and less relevant. Our society is so ageist that getting old is almost a crime. I know logically that the media plays on these fears so that we buy products but I’m afraid I’m fallen for it.

 

 

I never feel enough. I sometimes don’t understand how no-one else can feel this way, or does everyone feel it but just pretend not to? I’m laying it all on the line here: I’m jealous, insecure, hurt, afraid, depressed, anxious. I feel I am never enough. If I see a girl prettier than me, I shrink inside. I ‘hide’ it from my boyfriend i.e. never discuss it. I just go quiet and moody. He knows this but probably doesn’t know why. I don’t want to tell him because I don’t want him to see how deep this insecurity goes. Jealousy isn’t attractive so I feel I could never confess to him this vulnerability.

I feel my boyfriend, or any boyfriend, will eventually cheat, leave or tire of me. I have so much fear inside. It sometimes makes me feel like I'm insane and wonder if I have a mental condition to be so preoccupied by it.

 

 

 

Can anyone offer any words of advice? How can I get away from my jealousy?

[Rejected Rosebud]

Please get a good therapist.

[StalwartMind]

It terrifies me but in no way surprises me to see someone be in your state. I'm sure you'll be given the advise to see a therapist whom can help you process all these thoughts, feelings, insecurities, anxiety etc.

 

Anyway, to me you are a typical tailored example of everything I'm not very fond of with our society and most other humans today. As I kept reading it just became more predictable as you fall into all the traps that are so very logical to step into. Let it be said, I don't blame you or any other person on this planet, it's just not very surprising at all and I'm sure this is a trend that will continue.

 

You compare yourself with everyone and everything which just further enhances your insecurity and jealousy. Stop comparing yourself with ANYONE but yourself. The only person you should ever remotely start comparing things with, is yourself. So many people of all ages are obsessed with others, and they spend all their time on others and totally forget to be themselves. It's a vicious cycle that everything from the media to anything else that goes on in the world keeps you stuck in.

 

You are right that we live in a world, where we very much are of the mentality "to be throwing out the old and getting in the new". This does not teach humans to appreciate values in things for an extended period of time. Transfer this logic from materialistic into relationships and you'll discover one contributing reasons as to why many humans don't stay with the same partner for long either. There will always be people that go against this logic and I love and commend all these individuals that have learned to think for themselves, instead of just being another by product by society.

 

You feel like you not enough, once again it's because you've been corrupted by the standards set by society, as if there always is some higher status you can reach. There ain't any we are all the same, however what does matter is the personal life you create with the people around you, that should be the only thing that matters. I and everyone else are completely irrelevant.

 

Most places that are mainstream or very popular, you'll find every predictable response and comment, like you mentioned on youtube or IMDB. The best advice I can give anyone is to seriously stop reading those comments, unless you are capable of looking past everything being said, as most of it is going to be based on the mindset that is currently socially accepted.

 

All the things you wrote make for a really a very good topic, but things won't change, not for the foreseeable future. I'll echo this forever, I really wish that people would actually start thinking themselves instead of just blindly fit in to a world that they perhaps do not share the same values. This doesn't mean that you have to be different, odd or an outsider, it just means that you should mature and learn to take your own stance. Don't be afraid if someone doesn't like you, there will always be people that don't like you.

 

I could and perhaps already have painted a perhaps strong image of my own values, in no way is that to offend anyone or make someone feel bad, but at times you need your eyes opened to reality, even if it can feel like a cold bucket of water in your face. I'm well aware not everyone has a strong mentality, but you can always learn to strengthen it.

 

I'm sure you are an attractive, beautiful, sexy, intelligent and capable young woman, as you say, and not to pick any glamor of your own ego or to make you question that, but to someone else you will appear as all the opposite, as it's entirely up to each individual how they perceive you. You can be as model good looking as you may be, but if that's all you have to offer as well as a standard social molding, then I'm afraid I don't see any beauty at all.

 

Learn to shape yourself and your own life and guess what, If you agree with nothing I wrote above, or some or all, then that's perfectly fine too. We are all our own masters and should be more than capable of making our life be meaningful. There is no shame in asking others for help or for that matter do a billion mistakes before you get it right. When all comes to all, it's all about human perception and attitude to things. So don't feel afraid to approach life in a different way, but you shall be more than welcome to continue along the path you have been so far.

[jm2013]

How is your mom's personality? My wife's personality is strongly reflective of her mom. I noticed this when we were dating and into marriage. My wife is jealous of many things and I've tried to work with her on some issues. With that being said, there is no way to stop what is happening in society. The second we walk out the door we brand ourselves. We brand ourselves by the people who hang out with, clothes we wear, cars we drive, house we live in, our attitudes/personality and many more. For me, I don't really "compare" myself or get jealous. If somebody has something I want I will do my best to set my sights on it, make myself better and get it. Perhaps you can use jealously to help achieve different things you want.

 

Sex, money and power have been prevalent for thousands of years and it's not going away anytime soon. What makes you think the other women are "prettier" in your eyes? Do you think it is more important to you or more important that your boyfriend think you're prettier? My wife has pointed out other women who she "thought" was prettier than her and to me, I'm like WHAT in the hell are you talking about? Also, there's a new trend that started happening where older is sexy. Look at all of the housewife shows on. There's something about the seductive cougar that many men crave today.

 

You could always take your passion and drive and get into groups, organization or even try to get into the political spectrum. It sounds like you're pretty passionate about some things. Also, I'd recommend going to a counselor to discuss why these emotions are so overwhelming for you. Good luck to you. You're so young and have such a bright future ahead.

[d0nnivain]

You are insecure. You have to figure out why & then take steps to overcome it. It can be done. You can build your self esteem.

 

 

Taking your life is an extreme overreaction to a fixable problem.

[MissFree]

First, don't hurt yourself! Please don't! I don't know you, but I know you can get through this. How? Because I've been there. I was the crazy girlfriend always jealous and insecure. Although, these feelings are uncomfortable and can seemingly destroy your life...ending your life is not the answer.

 

What you need to do is...

 

Get rid of your INNER MEAN GIRL. She is the Negative Nancy living in your head that tells you all types of lies about yourself like "I'm not good enough" "I'm not as pretty as her" "No one really loves me" "I'd be better off dead"

 

She's really a scared little girl trying to protect you, but she's taken over your life and your mind. It's time to turn the volume down on her voice, so you can get focused on loving yourself.

 

I hope this helps!

[anika99]

Your post made me feel very sad, because as another poster already said, your feelings are indicative of the society we live in today. We do worship beauty and money and possessions to the extreme. They will take a naturally beautiful model or celebrity, take her picture for the cover of a magazine, and even though she is the image of loveliness and beauty they will still photo shop the crap out of her. The picture that everyone ends up seeing is of a woman who has impossibly perfect skin, perfect white teeth, perfect hair, perfect body. Women are turning themselves into cartoon characters by trying to achieve perfection through plastic surgery. Big fake balloon size breasts, big sausage size lips, pulled up eyes, and puffy cheek implants. A lot of them don't even look like human beings anymore. Their is nothing sadder than an aging celebrity who has completely ruined their face by bad or excessive plastic surgery.

 

 

Some of your feelings are due to youth and immaturity. When I was in my twenties I was in the height of my beauty and I was also in the height of my insecurities. Don't worry about how you will feel when you get older because you will likely grow past this. Here I am almost 50 and I've never looked worse..lol...yet I've never been happier and or felt more secure. Because along the way I learned self acceptance and self love. I don't need men to swoon over me to be happy, I don't need to illicit sexual attention from every stranger in order to feel good. I just need the people who love me to keep loving me and I need to keep loving myself and it's all good. The older you get the more you realize that spending your time comparing yourself to others and worrying about what other people think of you just robs you of happiness and joy.

 

 

If you are really suicidal then please reach out to someone for help, otherwise practice counting your blessings. When you say you never feel like you are good enough, in some ways you are being self centered and ungrateful, because you have so much to be thankful for. Your life is a gift and right now you are wasting the joy of your life by stewing in these jealousies and insecurities. Don't waste years of your life on this.

[rachel7475]

Hey there,

 

First off, it's not your fault that you have these feelings/issues. If your parents let you watch this much tv/internet/let you get influenced by these things at a young age (I'm assuming you didn't just start having these feelings at 18 when you were out of your parents' care) then they played a huge part in you being this way.

 

That being said, you need to accept that you do have these feelings, and not hate yourself for it. Instead of hating society for being this way, you need to realize that you are this way, and accept it, and not hate that part of you. Feelings never go away, they can only be changed. Hating your jealousy will NOT make it go away, ever. You have to learn to accept it and change it, which takes a lot of work. Hard work, every hour of the day in the beginning, training your thoughts. It really sucks at first, you will get discouraged, a lot.

 

I used to always hate that people were "judgmental" - until I finally realized my mother was that way, she always had something negative to say about everyone. I hated people who judged, without realizing, as stupid as it sounds, that I was judging everyone in my head. I have accepted that I have the instinct to judge people negatively because of my mother, and have worked with a psychiatrist to change the way I think.

 

Sorry if this is long, I had to reply because I know exactly how you feel, I really do. The hardest part is accepting that this will always be a part of you, but you can change it if you are willing to work for it.

 

Life is so short, if you don't change the world will always look ugly to you. Become a beautiful person, put out beautiful thoughts, the world will become beautiful.

 

I got a psychiatrist and did intense treatment, one thing you can start on is the first five people you see, think of something nice or a compliment in your head. Anything negative or jealous, replace it with something positive. Do this for a week.

 

And tell yourself you love yourself in a mirror, no matter how messed up you are, that you love and accept yourself, every morning.

 

You've got nothing to lose, and I just wish someone had told me this when I was younger before I wasted YEARS being judgmental and seeing the world as a horrible place.

 

Good luck.