Need advice about the Housewife.

[obiwanlaf]

I really want to find out if my mindset is too traditional or if I have so realistic concerns. I am a 27 year-old man with a 25 year-old wife. We have two kids who are age 4 and 2. Due to costs of day-care, and my wife's lack of education, we decided years ago that I would continue to work while she would perform the duties of housewife. At first this appeared to be a logical assumption on how to maintain a healthy and secure household environment, but over the years I have seen some behavior that I am not particularly fond of. My wife has become a very lazy woman. She spends 6-10 hours a day online playing the Sims and other life simulation games. I am usually out of the house for work by 7 in the morning and she doesn't get up till 8-8:30. The kids are let out of their rooms until about 9:30 just in time to eat breakfast and lunch, but they are down for a nap by at least 1pm and are still in their rooms by the time I get home at about 5pm. I then take care of the kids until bedtime, changing diapers, feeding dinner, etc, while she plays the computer. My wife only cooks about 3 times a week, and the excessive eating out has caused an extreme burden on our financial status. She doesn't do laundry (their is about a month's worth piled up right now) and considers cleaning being vacuuming the living room and cleaning off the counter tops. (Did I mention I wash the dishes, feed the dogs, take out the garbage, and do the yard work). I am a loving father and try to do my best in the short time I have with my kids every night and on the weekends. (She is on the computer on the weekends from 9 in the morning till 11 at night because she says I take care of the kids on the weekends). Unfortunately, all this has led to my 4 year old son being significantly behind the curve. He is not fully potty trained, for he only goes when you make him, not when he feels he has to go. Probably part of the fact that he is in his room most of the day. He doesn't have very good language skills at this point, and his vocabulary is that of what one would expect out of a 2 year old. I am really lost on what to do. When I complain about it, she jumps down my throat saying that I am picking at her. I have tried nice approaches and forceful approaches and just find myself getting completely overwhelmed and stressed out. Advice? Opinions?

[whichwayisup]

Ok, she is spending waaaaayyy too much time on the computer, especially if the kids are suffering from it.

 

1) Housework. She is a stay at home mom...I hate to say it, but it is part of something she has to do. Not meaning to sound sexiest, but it that is just the way it is. Noone likes to do cleaning and laundry but she is there and it has to be done.

 

2) BE A MOM! She needs to start a regular routine with the kids. Up early and DO stuff with them...Enroll them in young children's music class, go out and have fun! Seems she just stays at home alot.

 

3)Cooking. She can take a cooking course and just experiment. Maybe she is scared??

 

I cook because my hubby can't! (Would prefer him to do it because food always tastes better when someone else makes it! LOL!) I BBQ more than anything and I would say we have a nice hot meals 4 days out of 5 during the week...Sometimes we order in, or at times if he is working late he'll just have leftovers or I'll make him soup. I do this because I WANT to, not because I have to. Right now I am not working so I have the time to do this stuff...Yeah I am lazy at times but the laundry gets done, the house is pretty much clean. Again - This is something she HAS to do, no choice really and it isn't fair to you.

 

It's not fair to you because you are bringing home the bread. If you were a stay at home Dad - YOU would be doing these chores...

 

I think it is OK to help her out too, but she has to do her part at home and from what you say she isn't. That isn't good for the marriage and not good for the kids. It's affecting them and it's time to sit her down and you both can discuss the issues at hand.

 

Traditional or not, there are just some things wives DO...Just like there are things husbands just do.

 

I don't think you're over reacting at all. Talk to her and if she isn't willing to listen then suggest marriage councilling.

 

Good luck and keep posting! Hope this helps abit.

[li'l bunny]

I am a stay at home mom and I have two young children like your wife. I left work after my second child was born because it made more sense financially and I have a very hard time coping with the lack of adult communication. I get very frustrated sometimes at the amount of housework, the kids moaning and the financial pressure we are under with one salary.

 

BUT I do ALL the laundry, ALL the housework, ALWAYS cook dinner, almost always put the kids to bed. Now I feel I do too much. I feel when my H is at home at night and at the weekends that he should do his fair share too. Now he will do it if I ASK but I sometimes don't feel I should have to ASK him, it;s his house too. We have very different views on what's clean! (I am a lot more concerned about the state of the house than he is)

 

Anyway, that said I do believe that this is my job, this is what I agreed to do when I said I wasn't working (though I do intend to go back to work when both kids are in school). I believe when H is in work W should look after the kids and the house, do whatever she can and whatever needs doing. When H is home they should share the responsibility. I do believe also that it is emotionally and physically exhausting looking after kids and that if W is looking after them all day everyday that she, too, needs a little break away from them for a few hours at the weekend (maybe to go for a walk or whatever). I was so desperate for adult company that I went back to college and also started voluntary work for several societies. Now there aren't enough hours in the day but I am much happier.

 

Are you sure your wife isn't depressed?? It sounds like she's trying to escape reality (which I did for awhile too). Maybe you should talk to her about joining some mother and toddler groups or getting a relative (mum or sis or something) to go up and visit her and bring her out...?? Just a few things that helped me. She NEEDS friends that are around during the day. (This will improve when she has no choice but to talk to other mothers when your eldest is in school)

 

Hope this isn't too long and I hope it helps.

[LucreziaBorgia]

Are you sure your wife isn't depressed?? It sounds like she's trying to escape reality (which I did for awhile too).

 

Sounds like that to me, too. Some women feel very little personal satisfaction or feelings of personal fulfillment from being "just a housewife and mother." I wonder if she feels like she needs more out of life, and is depressed about feeling that outside of her role and wife and mother, there is literally nothing left of her 'self' - the person she is outside of the context of wife and mother. Maybe she feels like her 'online land' is the only place where she can get some sense of accomplishment, acceptance and appreciation just for being her 'self' and not just someone's 'wife and mother'. Not to say there's anything wrong with being a 'wife and mother' - I'm just saying that her perception of it could be rather dim right now, she has become depressed as a result and has found an escape in what she's doing.

 

Its hard to ask someone to jump in and enjoy something when to them, it represents an unfulfilling and unsatisfying path. I'm sure she loves you and your kids, but unless she can learn to love herself and find fulfillment and happiness in this context - no amount of love will keep her from slipping into that hole. I expect more than once, she has woken up with the day ahead of her and thought "is this all I can expect for the rest of my life?". Not that you are offering a dull life - you could have the luxe life and pile on heaps of love, but she may still feel unfulfilled as a person and unhappy with herself regardless. Being supermom and superwife won't change a person who feels that outside of 'wife and mom' there is no sense of self satisfaction. She may feel that 'wife and mother' are threatening to kill off who she is outside of that context and she is trying to escape those things.

 

You'll want to address it sooner than later, though - sometimes leading a virtual life and finding happiness in that, in lieu of finding happiness in her offline life can make that grass look a whole lot more green, because she is reading in her hopes and expectations into this online life - and is seeing it a lot more rosier than it actually is because she has only her own perceptions of her unfulfilled offline life to compare it to.

 

It sounds silly, but this sort of ennui with life, and that feeling of being unfulfilled as a person outside of your role as a wife and mother can leave one ripe for an affair: and in this case, it could lead to an online one, if she happens to take up chatting. She'll find someone who apparently accepts her and loves her outside of her role as 'wife and mother' - and she'll build it up in her mind into the wonderful "I've found my soulmate" thing, and her role as 'wife and mother' will go from dim perception to grim reality.

 

Talk to her about counseling, marriage counseling wouldn't hurt - you wife probably isn't lazy, she probably just has trouble putting effort into something from which she feels gives her no sense of personal satisfaction and fulfillment.

[jmargel]

This is a case of pure laziness. There's nothing stopping her from either starting her own little side business or getting some training somewhere to expand her horizons. Neglecting her kids & marriage like that is not fair to you. I would suggest talking to a marriage counselor, otherwise you're going to be in the same boat as two other male posters on here who have almost lost their wives to someone she met online.

[tiki]

Tell her to get a job. Even if it's an online job. Send the kid to a preschool, even if it's a couple of days a week. She's gotta get up off her ass and do something, or you're family is just gonna go to hell. It's OBVIOUSLY not working this way.

 

and my wife's lack of education

 

So??? How hard is it to get a job? She doesn't HAVE TO HAVE a college degree. Give her more credit there.

[li'l bunny]

I'm sorry but I have to butt in again. I really don't think it sounds like 'pure laziness'. I was in a very similar situation for over a year and I am NOT a lazy person. I just couldn't see any way out. I was depressed. I almost did have an affair. You can't say that it's laziness. Women can get very depressed (and men too) after children are born, especially when they are staying \t home.

 

She needs help to get out of this rut she's stuck in. It's probably making her unhappy. You can't just say she's lazy and that's that.

[pragmatic]

the computer bit aside, this sounds EXACTLY like my situation a year ago.

 

Please take the time to read all of these replies you've received - read them more than once. You have been given some A-1 observation & advice.

 

If your wife is, indeed, suffering from depression, then psychological and/or psychiatric intervention may be needed. Counseling alone has done wonders for many on this board.

 

The chances are excellent, in my opinion, that the two of you can find your way back together.

 

Here is what I would suggest for starters:

 

Find a sitter, take her out to dinner and tell her that you are concerned about her and concerned about your family. Don't make it a criticism if you can help it. If she gets defensive it will just make it harder to work on this. Make sure that she knows that you care more about her condition than the condition of the house! She will be grateful that you have paid attention to this and to her, and that you care about her and how her life has taken this tangent. I doubt this behavior was in her plans either. Keep that in mind.

 

Go into this with some ideas to suggest for things she can do for herself - for Mrs. pragmatic, kickboxing with a group of other housewives 3 times a week has done wonders for her self-esteem and physical well-being. She has more energy, has toned up etc., gets to interact with other grown-ups, etc. I love hearing her talk about it because of how much she likes it.

 

It is critical that you act now, obiwanlaf. You are ahead of where I was at this time last year, and in a great position to effect positive change.

 

Good luck and keep us posted!

[LucreziaBorgia]

Originally posted by pragmatic

Find a sitter, take her out to dinner and tell her that you are concerned about her and concerned about your family. Don't make it a criticism if you can help it. If she gets defensive it will just make it harder to work on this. Make sure that she knows that you care more about her condition than the condition of the house! She will be grateful that you have paid attention to this and to her, and that you care about her and how her life has taken this tangent. I doubt this behavior was in her plans either. Keep that in mind.

 

Excellent advice.

 

Calling the woman lazy and ungrateful, and pushing/punishing her is only going to make the husband part of the woman's problem and not part of her solution. Should she find herself in the position to have an affair, that attitude would be all the justification she would need to fall onto the other side of that fence.

 

Is she lazy? Maybe. But if you address the laziness/neglect and not the problems that would be causing it - then you'll change the behavior, but you won't change the thing that will continuously lead her right back into it.

[RecordProducer]

I agree with most of the people here. She might be depressed and unsatisfied with the housewife "career", but she definitely IS LAZY!!!

Depressed or not, she MUST take responsibility of her own children. It almost pissed me off reading about her so I understand how much it frustrates you. Her behavior is outrageous. And while other women (like li'l bunny) get frustrated because of so much work they do on a daily basis, in your case she doesn't have the problem of being overloaded with work. Sje doesn't do much work.

She is not supposed to have any free time for herself if she does everything that needs to be done with two little children in the house. She may have a rest when she takes the kids out to play (she can read a magazine or talk to friends while keeping guard of the kids). She can watch TV while feeding them. And while this may sound like a devilish pace to someone, we've all been little kids' moms and know how it feels. It's frustrating but the work needs to be done, because no one else will do it for you.

When I split with my ex-husband (who ran away from the many obligations), I moved in with my mom and she started taking care of most of the chores, including the children. I became lazy and spend too much time on the computer with my boyfriend from the US. But I am trying to change that now and spend a lot of time with the kids. I am lucky though, they are both 6 (twins) and when they play, they are self-sufficient and don't want me in their room.

If I were you, I would even consider taking the computer away from her. You have a right to do that just like you would have a right to take heroin away from a drug addict and make her spend more time with the children. They need a mother!!!

 

What some people here suggested that she needs to find a job is ridiculous. We are not solving her boredom here, but the children's destiny. She needs to spend more (not less) time with them. She needs to talk to them, play with them, teach them things, take them out to certain places, etc. The older kid might go to kindergarten, but the younger is too young.

If she is being unreasonable, you might make her face the worst-case scenario. What would she do if she were on her own? She seems too comfortable with the situation where her husband works and brings money and she's playing in the computer while waiting for her children to grow up. She can't give up motherhood. She is a mother and a woman and should be behave like one. She's acting like a spoiled child. Everyone in this world at any given age has his responsibilities; kids go to school, adults go to work or take care of their children and homes, etc. She can't go through life without doing anything. Not with two little children who desperately need her. She may be doing some of her chores, but that's not enough.

When you spend time with the kids in the evening, she should be with you too. You can go out on week-ends (with other couples with kids as well) and spend some quality time all together. She seems to not be in control of her time (and life overall).

 

SUGGESTION:

 

I suggest that you talk to her calmly and friendly and the two of you together make a plan of her daily obligations. She must confirm that the plan is reasonable, and the list of things to do are all necessary. Furthermore, she must promise you that she will fulfill all that. If some things are not done, she has to have a good reason for that. For example if the kids were sick and she took them to the doctor then she may not had had time to do laundry. But at least she will agree that she has her "job" too that needs to be performed. She acts like a lazy employee so she needs someone who will be in charge.

Of course all that needs to be done under the title "I am trying to help you get easier through motherhood" not as a hostile critic.

So the plan would look, for example, like this:

8 am - waking up, 9 am - breakfast, 10-12 am - she spends time with the kids actively (reading, playing, teaching them things, etc.), 12-14 h - cooking, cleaning, laundry. 14-15 h - going outside with the kids, 15-17 h - free time (computer), 17-20 h spending time all together. 20 h - putting kids to bed and after 9 pm she should spend time with her husband, not on the computer.

This is just an example of a one-day plan.

By the way, she doesn't have to cook for her husband, but she better gives her kids some proper fresh and home made meals.

[obiwanlaf]

I love the advice I have read and very much appreciate it. I can elaborate on some things, that I can obviously see are leading to some assumptions. First of all, my wife would never have an affair. She is not a sexual being my nature, and she is a very jealous type woman. Meaning that she is more worried of me having an affair, not because of things I have done, but because of things men she had been with in the past have done. She is totally against cheating, so I am not really concerned with that. We do have each other's trust thankfully. On the other hand, much like someone was talking about living with their mom, she has never really had to endure any responsibility or independence in life. I live on my own for 8 years before I met my wife, she has always either lived with her mother, or a roomate of some kind. The main issue really seems to be one of responsibility. I don't think she has ever had to deal wtih being completely responsible for herself, much less anyone else. I wish I could find a way to motivate her, but it seems difficult because I have always been a self-motivated person. I find great joy in every time I complete a project at work and everytime I teach my children a new word. I have trouble understanding the mindset of an unmotivated person, when there is so much to be done. I just need a productive way to motivate her.

[moimeme]

Depressed or not, she MUST take responsibility of her own children

 

You utterly fail to comprehend what depression does to you. Utterly. It sucks all the desire out of you. You absolutely are unable to care about responsibilities. Your will is not your own.

 

You can't order her about. What you must do, for the sake of your children, is insist she get help. She may not be depressed at all. She may actually be addicted to the games.

 

And get rid of the computer. But first of all insist she get counselling. Your children must not be neglected like this. Get them into daycare or find a caretaker but you cannot allow this to go on one more second and, whatever's wrong with her, your ordering her around will change nothing. She needs professional help or else you are going to lose your children.

[HotCaliGirl]

First I will say that I do not have children and have not been married. That said, I think that she is obviously depressed and escapes with the addiction on the computer games. You should introduce a computer virus on your computer to disable its function. That will force her to focus away from the computer which you say she spends [color=red]SIX TO TEN HOURS[/color] daily on - which is six to ten hours more than she spends with the three of her family members combined. That has got to come to an end even if it is against her will.

 

What if you stayed home playing games all day, games in isolation of the children at that??? Ask her what would happen then...

 

Maybe she can offer to do a daycare from your house? Even if she watches only one other child, your children will benefit by interacting with another child instead of being in isolation and lacking in social skills. With the extra money she makes, she can take the kids out and invest it in time spent together.

 

You have to tell her that she either stays home and does x, y and z or else go to work. Even at minimum wage, I am sure you might be able to find somewhere for the children to be watched after with greater supervision and benefit than what they are currently getting now, which is not only keeping them from developing their skills, but stagnating their growth. I'm not sure what the minimum wage is, but at $5 x 40 hours = $200/week and after taxes I guess that really doesn't leave much for daycare but something has got to change. I have an assitant at work, a housekeeper at home, no children and I still can't get things done.

 

If I sat playing games all day...I can't even imagine what kind of a nightmare you are going through. If she is depressed, she needs help. If she is lazy, she needs the computer taken away. Even if she is depressed, the computer has got to go. Behavioral therapy - DOING things, can help to eliminate the depression. I think she is probably surprised that you let her play the computer all day and she is screaming for you to step in and take some action. She is obviously miserable. And if she is enjoying what she is doing, then she will not make any changes on her own and again, you have to put a stop to the computer. Break it or something, it'll be less expensive to replace it in the future than to spend a lot of money on therapy which it sounds like you cannot afford to do.

[li'l bunny]

Get her to ask the kids what they would like to do with mommy everyday. She could paint with them, bring them for a walk around outside (even in the garden if there's no park nearby), she could bake - something I do is I buy the ready made scone dough (just add milk) and sit down at the table with the kids and they make what they like and then we bake it when they're finished and best of all, they get to EAT what they made. They love it. Kids love any attention from their parents (even negative attention, which is why you have to be so careful)

 

Maybe you could ask the kids what they'd like to do. Or tell your wife that your 4yr old said he'd like to go to the park tomorrow, or something.

 

As I said before it would help if she had someone who could come and visit because then she'd have to get off the comp.

[jade_nc]

i became SAHM last year. it has been a struggle......i struggle with too much on-line time as well. i also struggle with only having a 2yr old to speak to all day, every day. for the first 4 months or so, it was fabulous. i made breakfast, lunch (for the 2yr old) and dinner everyday for my family. my house was spotless. i literally paced around my house everyday looking at the walls during nap time with absolutely nothing to do and no one to talk to.

 

it got to the point where i would get annoyed with my husband if he put the dishes away or wiped off the counter. "don't touch it, i won't have anything to do tomorrow".

 

have you ever asked her what her dreams for the future were/are? you said this decision was made because of her lack of education years ago. is this the life she dreamed of? who handles the finances? do you have an agreement on how much each of you gets to spend a month on yourselves? you said that "over the years" you've starting seeing this behavior. did something happen in your marriage that could have caused her to act out this way?

 

all of these things have impacted my situation - that's why i ask. when my husband and i went through a big trench last fall in our relationship - i stopped doing everything around the house. because i had been performing those tasks as an act of love for my family - not for a paycheck - and it was totally unappreciated. my husband was spending money on what ever personal things he wanted to because he was the bread winner, while i cut coupons to feed our kids. there wasn't ever any money left for personal things that i wanted or needed.

[Moose]

I haven't read all of the posts, but I've seen enough to know what I would do right off the bat, yank the computer off the desk, throw it under the tractor, and crush the damn thing.

 

There are some things that a husband and wife need to respect of each other. But when one neglects their basic responsibilities as a husband, father, mother, or wife, it's time for drastic measures including doing some harsh things.

 

Then I would recommend either you two learn to communicate one on one with each other on your own, or seek help from a third party, either MC together or private.

i stopped doing everything around the house. because i had been performing those tasks as an act of love for my family - not for a paycheck - and it was totally unappreciated. my husband was spending money on what ever personal things he wanted to because he was the bread winner, while i cut coupons to feed our kids. there wasn't ever any money left for personal things that i wanted or needed.

I don't understand, you said you stopped, "doing", everything around the house because you had been, performing, those tasks as an act of love. So, you're saying, in effect, that you no longer love your family. Interesting. I have to wonder if all of a sudden,I felt like I was being unappreciated, or doing more than my fair share because I don't get patted on my back enough, if this means I should quit my job and lay on my couch from now on. For some reason, I don't think that'll work out too well.

 

Have you considered that it's your fault? You said in the first part of your post, that if your husband tried to help out, you'd get mad at him because that would leave you with nothing to do. Damned if they do, and damned if they don't. You're not giving them much of a choice here.

 

Delegate the household responsibilities equally, then go get you a PT job!

 

Sometimes I don't get people.

[uberfrau]

does that sound familiar LS Pro-Porn Posse?

 

I wonder that no one has ever asked that question on the porn threads "how many hours a day does hubby lock himself up in the den?"

 

if a i guy looks at porn over 6 hours a day, well, wife too bad, because he derserves his porn, and he's a man and he has NEEDS, damn ya woman!

 

If wifey looks at anything BUT PORN on the internet 6 hours a day, then she's crazy, needs help, is a bad mother, neglects husband, lazy.

 

If a guy is looking at porn, after working all day, he definitealy isn't spending time with his kids, wife, doing housework. Just like this woman is.

BUT THAT IS OKAY.

 

Actually, i applaud this woman-she does what most men do on a daily basis- whic is NOTHING!

[Moose]

uberfrau,

 

Where did you get the impression that everyone is saying it's ok for men to look at porn in excess? I never said that. I did say too much of a good thing is bad for you, and that means everybody.

 

I think you're in a bad mood, and you're all for the sisterhood today.

Actually, i applaud this woman-she does what most men do on a daily basis- whic is NOTHING!

I beg to differ, we have to put up with moody women, and that takes a lot of work, not to include stress, which we sometimes use porn to relieve.....see the cycle here?

[SadAndLonely]

I don't have kids, but I have been diagnosed with depression several times. I also used to be addicted to online games (about 10 years back before they became all the rage). Do what my mom threatened to do with me. Cancel your ISP. I've been able to function without the Internet just fine, and honestly, sometimes it's the only way. Secondly, make sure your wife gets counseling.

 

I agree that depression is really hard. However, I ALSO believe that your wife IS lazy and dependent on others. And I think that the a kid's well-being should come before hers. A four year old is in a very crucial development stage, when most language skills are learned, and shouldn't be neglected.

[jade_nc]

moose

 

not at all saying i didn't love my family anymore. it's not about doing my fair share, or feeling sorry for myself because they didn't pat my back enough. for my situation, it was about giving a gift to people who didn't want it. like making breakfast everyday only to have to throw all of it away because no one WANTED breakfast.

 

fault?? yes, i am responsible for my own actions both positive and negative. however, there was an incident in our marriage (beyond my control) that lead me into the depressed, i don't care about anything, i'm not giving anymore of myself attitude toward my husband......and ultimately it impacted my children.

 

the situation hasn't remained that way. i have a part time job now....three actually. i clean and do laundry everyday. the children have chores they are responsible for daily. however, "delegating" responsibilities to my husband isn't so easy. i also make myself get out of the house at least once a week for me.

 

you have to be happy with who you are before you can be a loving and caring person to others......including your children.

 

sometimes i don't get people either.

[Moose]

it was about giving a gift to people who didn't want it.

This is what I think was your whole problem. I mean, you were looking at all that you do as a, "gift" to your family when in reality, it's your job to do these things. It shouldn't even be anything that you would think about. It should be a given, automatically expected of you.

 

It was you and your husband's decision to get married an have a family, correct? At that time, you both should've realized that certain things would be expected of each other. Whether or not you show each other the appreciation for what you two do on a regular basis, you're still expected to carry on.

 

I'm sorry to hear about this situation beyond your control, but the plain truth is, life is what you make it. When you have children, that statement takes on a lot more meaning. Because now, you have the responsibilty and the obligation to make personal sacrifices.

 

I think that you should continue doing what you have been doing regardless if they show appreciation or not. In the end, you'll be able to look back without guilt knowing you've done all you could to be the wife and mother you were intended to be.

 

But these are just the opinions of a God fearing man who knows what marriage is supossed to be like.

[whichwayisup]

I love the advice I have read and very much appreciate it. I can elaborate on some things, that I can obviously see are leading to some assumptions. First of all, my wife would never have an affair. She is not a sexual being my nature, and she is a very jealous type woman. Meaning that she is more worried of me having an affair, not because of things I have done, but because of things men she had been with in the past have done. She is totally against cheating, so I am not really concerned with that. We do have each other's trust thankfully. On the other hand, much like someone was talking about living with their mom, she has never really had to endure any responsibility or independence in life. I live on my own for 8 years before I met my wife, she has always either lived with her mother, or a roomate of some kind. The main issue really seems to be one of responsibility. I don't think she has ever had to deal wtih being completely responsible for herself, much less anyone else. I wish I could find a way to motivate her, but it seems difficult because I have always been a self-motivated person. I find great joy in every time I complete a project at work and everytime I teach my children a new word. I have trouble understanding the mindset of an unmotivated person, when there is so much to be done. I just need a productive way to motivate her.

 

Encourage her as much as you can. I know from past experience being in a funk and getting out of it is really hard to do. Admitting it as well is also really hard - But I think once the nicer weather hits she really needs the push to get her out the door and doing things with the kids. Evetually she will feel better about herself and healthier too.

 

Therapy will definately help her depression and/or if she is having personal issues that is the cause of her lazyness.

 

Procrastination is a nasty thing! HELLO! That's ME! I really have to PUSH myself hard so I don't fall back into that why bother state and get too comfy with things.

 

I'm glad that you have alot of faith and trust in your wife. No need to go looking for problems right now but if things don't get better and she still is on the computer alot then I would maybe just question if she is talking to anybody online or while she is playing computer games.

 

Another suggestion too, is invite friends to the house more. Do some evening entertaining. Go out together and DO things as a family as much as you can on the weekends. And on Sunday's DO laundry together. Maybe that will help her out of this state. You never know until you try!

 

Good luck and keep posting. Hope this helps abit more...

[RecordProducer]

Uberfrau, nice speech, but you can't deliver two kids and let them take care of themselves.

I am just wondering if he has already made a decision to levae her and is looking for some moral support cuz he knows it would be so unfair.

Many men, when they get married and get two little kids, think "why do I need all these obligations in my life when I can enjoy all by myself, date, do whatever I want, and not share my income with my wife?"

Naturally they don't want to admit it to themselves, but they simply try to find reasons in her behavior. They start nagging which develops in fighting and then they have the alibi - we fight, we hate each other, we're unhapy together, it's better to divorce.

I find it weird that this husband was expecting something else of our answers. I wonder if he wants to do anything constructive concening his problem.

[jade_nc]

moose

 

yes, you're right - it's my job NOW. funny thing is - the SAHM position doesn't come with a manual! if you have one that specifies what i should be doing everyday - send it on over!

 

one thing i have learned is that my new position does not mean that my husband gets all the perks (playing golf, going out with the guys, buying pc equipment or eating lunch out all the time) while i sit at home twidling my thumbs. it has to be a partnership. that's why i asked him if he has asked what HER dreams are......and about finances. her R&R has to be taken into consideration as well.

 

my new job took away my sense of self.......i got depressed, it happens - and it doesn't go away overnight. just because i am no longer in senior management in the coprorate world doesn't mean that i don't have problems and being a mother doesn't automatically make you immune to your personal emotions.

 

the point i was trying to make to the original poster is that this is a partnership and she quite likely doesn't feel that it is. she may also be feeling that it's pointless to have goals. yet, goals keep you focused in any job and you have to establish them for yourself in the SAHM position.

 

just the opinions of a God fearing woman who knows what her role in marriage is supposed to be.....and who strives everyday to do it better......and one who knows that NONE of us is perfect.

[obiwanlaf]

Wow. A lot of responses. Some beneficial and some off the beaten track. Let me state for the record that I have nothing to do with porn. I don't care for it or feel a need for it. For me, sexual nature is expressed by physical intimacy and not by watching others. Call me a hands on type of guy.

 

As for the woman posting about the perks. Well I grew up in a million dollar family (meaning my father made millions per year). I grew up with a ton of snobby friends who were very unhappy with themselves and/or lives. I made a pact with myself a long time ago to get out on my own and make a name for myself. To make something more out of my life. Because of my upbringing and satisfaction with my job and myself, I really have no wishes for perks or fun. My job is enjoyable enough that I get paid to do something I love, and I am good at it. I don't golf, nor do I go out hanging out with the buddies. I am content enough with myself that I don't need to hang out with other people in order to be entertained. About the most expensive things I buy for myself is books. I actually have a lot of wants, but when they are not needs, I sacrifice them for the benefit of my children. I am actually a pretty down-to-earth person and am probably the least selfish person most of you will ever come across.

 

Back to my wife. She has ambitions yes. She wishes to finish school, she wishes to do this do that, etc. In the end she is not a follow-through type person. Like I said in an earlier post, it is almost as if she is unwilling to take responsibility or know what it means. Meaning she will do it until it is inconvenient, then she will quit. She attempted to take home schooling and quit after one course due to the homework. She wanted to go to bartending college and quit in the second of three weeks. She wanted to go to the gym and pay membership fees, but she has only gone once in the 4 months of membership. She has the time, for like I said originally, I watch the kids once I get home. Which 90% of the time is at 3pm. I am not asking for someone to make excuses for me or her. I am just trying to understand her mindset, and deem whether I am fighting a lost cause or overreacting. I like being direct so let me make the questions more direct. Is this a lost cause? Am I overreacting? Is this a personality problem on her part or something she can change? Has she just not fully grown up? What is the best course of action to lead to the benefit of first and most important the children, second my marriage?