Need advice about the Housewife.

[RecordProducer]

Obiwanlaf, we suggested some things and you ignored them. What do YOU want to do? Divorce? Seems to me like that's what you really want. Because now you're asking if it's her personality or something that can be changed. You won't know until you try.

Your wife seems kinda low class, but you seem pretty stubborn as well. It takes two to tango!

[jade_nc]

i don't think anyone here with the given info can tell you whether or not this is a lost cause. imo, you are not overreacting. the info in your last post gave much more insight into the problems.

 

i know several people who have never been able to complete things that they set out to do, move from job to job, start and quit school several times without completing.

 

anyone can change if they want to. but she will first have to recognize and accept that there is a problem. marriage counseling may be your best option. it's not just a personal problem for her - anytime there is behavior in a marriage that negatively impacts one of the partners, it's a problem for both of you.

[Moose]

You know, Marriage is a great thing when both people choose to participate.

[RecordProducer]

Moose, is that you on the avatar?

[dixiepix]

First of all, I have been a stay at home mom for about 3 years....yes due to financial reasons. Yes we struggle to make ends meat, but we chose to have that child that we really couldn't afford. Anyway, we have 3, one is 13 (previous marriage..mine) one is 3 1/2 and one is 10 months. My 3 1/2 year old is starting to try to talk...I stay home with him, we get up at 6:30....which I wouldn't if I didn't have to because I could use the extra rest...days are very, very, long. Any way, we take sis to school at 7:30, then on our way home, we, half the time, stop by the local hardware store so I can get my free cup of coffee and my ADD ? son can finish "waking up" for the day he is going to give mom. By the way it is very hard to get thru the day trying to do for someone you cannot communicate with...and yes very depressing..you get frazzled after hours of trying to guess what someone wants, day in and day out. Any way, when we get home, I have to juggle laundry, ironing clothes, washing dishes, and boiling bottles, not to mention, meals to think of that they will eat. It consumes my day............literally. Luckily, I have one somewhat a solid hour between 10 and 11, to vacuum the floor so the baby doesn't eat something someone dragged in on their shoes and prepare lunch. Truly, most days, I am frazzled by noon. Someone is constantly argueing....yes a 3yr old and 10 month old over toys or needing a snack, or juice or a diaper change....it is truly nonstop. 50 percent of the time, I try to get them to take a nap after lunch....(they share a room) this requires everyone going upstairs, so 75 percent of the time I try this, they won't take a nap...I spend 3 hours trying to get them to sleep...and most of the time they fall asleep just before it is time to go pick sis up from school. So.........I lug one at a time to the car and get them all strapped in (takes at least 15 minutes). My day is full, funny thing is, at the end of the day, I wonder what I've done...but then at night when I tuck them in, I know that today, I've done what no one else would do....I have taken the best care of my children.

 

I would like to give you a little background on my 31/2 year old. When he was born, he had collick. Got over that about the time he started getting multiple ear infections...up to about 2 1/2, then we got tubes put in. He started babbling normally and could say da da and ma ma and a few other words at about 9 or 12 mos, then all of a sudden he just quit. Who knows? Just QUIT!!! It happened to be after a round of "shots". We have been shuffled between so many doctors it is not funny. We are still seeing doctors and going for broke in the meantime. And yes we are still at a dead end. He was introduced to "the No child left behind" program last summer....helps somewhat but they only provide speech therapy 30 minutes once a week. Yes, I had problems potty training him. Daycare taught him to pee on the potty sitting backwards...A magic thing happened though, when daddy taught him to pee outside in the yard...he can do that... that is fun...then mommy has to lock the doors when daddy's at work, and make him go in the potty. When we had him in day care a few days a week to help with his speech (helped tremendously), although we had to cut back because of winter heating bills. But today we discussed his need to go back even though right now we can't afford that at all...I iron clothing for a friend once a week so that he can go to a daycare at least one day a week.

 

Anyway, my husband is an engineer and I have a background in nursing. I don't really know much about your situation or why your son can't talk, yet you do , I assume, have one who is progressing normally....which would indicate that it has little to do with your wife's behavior. I can only tell you from my own experiences...Somedays are great, somedays are not, somedays I sing and dance, somedays I cry.....the pressure of trying to communicate and please someone so close to to you is heartbreaking...it is difficult to explain the day in day out feeling...however...advice to you...you may give her my e-mail address or my msn, she can add me as a contact on "rough days" lgw1@hotmail .com" We could talk about what is going on throughout the day...sorda. Nother thing...I introduced my son to PBS.org....amazing.....can't talk....but he can find his way around that website like he made it himself....absolutely amazing.....I don't even use my computer unless I have to....only check my email once every 2 weeks. A computer for our son is on the birthday list....Once you show them how.....you would be shocked.

 

Funny thing is, I rarely have time to even get on my computer, too many kids on it. It has been at least 2 weeks since I even checked e-mail, and tonight, my husband was snoring too loud, so I decided to come down and get on loveshack....which I do for maybe 1 hour a month. The Lord works in mysterious ways. Contact me if you need to. I know I'm not your wife...."because I don't play Simms"...nor do I have the time, but maybe you are not giving her enough credit. PS................................RARELY DO I COOK..........WHAT IS SO SPECIAL ABOUT COOKING????? If you ar hungry you will eat what is available...............Rarely do I have the energy for that, I have worked hard all day too..........R U better than I? Everyone seems to think that being a mommy is easy..........except for those who do it.....it's not . Ask my husband who is now the night-time book reader.........I am still teaching him how hard it is. (But book reading is great for the speech thing) . I really hope to hear from you or your wife one as I am in the same boat.

 

I have a nursing background. My first child is an all A student....I did nothing special to teach her to talk. Why must it be my fault that my son can not talk? Both our families keep insisting on us take him to doctor after doctor....I am so tired of feeling like just because I choose to stay at home with them that it is my fault....doctors keep telling us...when he is ready...he will talk...he can hear.!!!I myself am going insane from the pressure from inlaws and my own parents...whens the next appt.. what'd they say? time after time after time...meantime, I deal with the realization of communicating with someone who barely understands me everyday. Leave me alone....I have more doctor bills than I know what to do with and nobody has an answer...You would think after 2 years someone would. Sweetheart, I don't know your wife, don't know your children, but I know me and mine.....I still thank God for all that I have everyday. But I tell you, It's not easy staying home with average children. But when you have one that can't communicate with you, it is more than a challenge.

[Moose]

Moose, is that you on the avatar?

No, it's Johnny Depp, it's the best avatar I could find that best resembles me though.

 

Dixiepix, I commend you for what you go through day in and day out. I'm an engineer just like your husband, and I work with several others. Although our days can be hectic and a strain on the brain, there's no reason why he can't switch work off when he leaves, and come home to take over for you. Nowhere in your post did I see where your husband is pitching in. I could be wrong, but it's obvious from what you wrote that even when he is home, there's no relief.

 

The first 8 or 9 years of my marriage, I spent on the shop floor as a welder/fabricator. I was wore out by the time I got home. I'd self medicate with alcohol and would be pretty buzzed by the time supper came around. Even in my stuper, I was able to carry some of the load. (we have 5 kids now BTW). Mrs. Moose has had a couple of PT jobs during our marriage, but it just wasn't cost effective. So I can relate to your situation.

 

There's nothing I can do about what you're going through, but I can offer you some encouragement:

 

EVEN THIS?

 

Though early morning is not my best time of the day, after a couple cups of coffee, I managed to fix breakfast, do the dishes from the night before, then the breakfast dishes, usher 6 children out of the door for school before heading to the laundry room.

 

I stopped abrubtly at the door and stood gazing in disbelief at the mountain of dirty clothes. Hadn't I just washed three loads yesterday? Sudden tears of frustration stung my eyes. I quickly brushed them away, a bit ashamed of myself, and put the first load in the washer.

 

Then I continued to tidy up, picking up the morning paper and various cups and glasses left from snacks the night before. Soon I found myself in my son's bathroom, scrubbing the tub. Once again, the tears insisted on imposing themselves against my will. This time, they found little resistance. I was frustrated, discouraged and my self-esteem was about as low as it could get.

 

It was still morning, but I was tired-tired of the same mess day after day - of wshing clothes that only yesterday I had folded and returned to their proper places; of doing the dishes, only to get them out a short time later to reset the table. I was sick of spending hours preparing meals that would be consumed in minutes.

 

Sitting in the middle of the bathroom floor, sponge and cleanser in hand and tears streaming down my cheeks, I found myself fussing, crying and praying all at the same time.

 

God in His loving kindness came to meet me: "I tell you the truth, whatever you did for one of the least of these brothers of mine, you did for me"(Matthew 25:40).

 

"Lord, even this?" I asked.

 

"Especially this," He replied. "Who else is going to do it for me? In all these small ways, you are serving Me."

 

Lovingly reassured and encouraged, I dried my tears and continued scrubbing the tub. - Gigi Graham Tchividjian

 

I felt led to give it to you, because I noticed you said that the Lord works in mysterious ways. Hopefully, this finds you in better spirits.

 

Hang in there!

[dixiepix]

I live very many days like the one you described, rarely do I fall apart, but yes it does happen...usually when it does, my son who can barely talk showers me with tons of kisses and rubs my hair. I thank God for my children and my husband every day...I truly know that I am blessed. And my husband comes home exhausted and usually spends his time befor supper just as you described yourself...I know the Lord is using me every day to do his will. I find that when I get frustrated, I sing Jesus loves me to our children helps tremendously and is teaching him the song in the long run. He has his own language when he tries to sing it but can somewhat carry the melody...at least I know he recognizes it every time and one day he will jump forth with speech and sing to me.

[RecordProducer]

Moose, with all respect for your opinion and religious beliefs, you don't know what it feels like to be a stay-at-home mom with little kids, to cook, clean, fold, wash, shop, and take care of the kids all day, every day, for years. You get frustrated, you get depressed, your life makes no sense, and you feel like a total long-term idiot. Especially if your husband has no understanding for your emotional needs (this doesn't refer to you or anyone here, just my own experience).

I would advise all women whose kids are older than 3 to enroll them in kindergarten and find a job. If she works she can pay for the daily care and find someone who she could pay to do most of the chores like cleaning and even cooking (e.g. twice a week). As for doing dishes, I hope everyone has a dish-washer. If not, I would rather deprive myself from other things and buy a dish-washer then spend an hour every day doing the dishes.

I don't want to serve Lord, I don't want to serve anyone. I can do all my obligations I am expected to do, but I also have a right to be a free person and enjoy my life and not spend my life as a slave cleaning, washing, and cooking all day long.

[Anais]

obiwanlaf

 

Maybe it will be a good idea to ask your wife to post on this site and also get some professional help. Just my two cents.

 

RecordProducer

 

I am really just wondering. Why doing a job outside of the house is considered not serving anyone or is more fun than spending time with your child and just doing everyday house work?

[RecordProducer]

Anais, you're right. It depends on what kind of job. I love being at home actually, but I hate cleaning.

I guess I just had a very bad marriage overall and my frustration originated from that point. Anyway, this is not about what's right and what's wrong. I already said that you can't give up motherhood, you have to take care of your children. It's just that so many women feel frustrated as stay-at-home moms.

[dixiepix]

No, not everyone in the world has a dishwasher...for some of us that would be a luxury. On the top of my list of necessities would be a new roof for my home so that it doesn't leak....then I'd have to say central heat and air would be nice. Some people do live off necessities. Doing dishes is the least of my worries. Somehow the original post got off track. The original post insinuated that the 4yr old was lacking in his progression of speech patterns. That is a totally different than being home with children who can talk. I love staying home with my children...yes even when it is frustrating. Anyway, kindergarten age is 5. An uneducated female could only get a mediocre job that would barely pay for 2 in day care, and fuel to take her to and from. I seriously doubt there'd be enough left for a cleaning service....not where I live anyway. Point being, when a mother is home with a child who is speech deficient, the days are longer because you are constantly trying to guess what is wrong or what one needs, trying to reed to them or teach them is a hit or miss, sometimes they are perceptive, sometimes not. I just have no concept of how anyone could have that much time to lolligag around playing on the computer for that long with 2 small children at home, usually a child with slowed speech patterns, is more demanding than average.

[Moose]

you don't know what it feels like to be a stay-at-home mom with little kids, to cook, clean, fold, wash, shop, and take care of the kids all day, every day, for years.

I don't know how you can say that when I know every single feeling that Mrs. Moose has felt for the past 17 years. I most certainly do know exactly what it's like.

I don't want to serve anyone.

Everyone, and I mean EVERYONE, serves someone else. If you truly search yourself, you might even find you are a slave to your own desires. Whether you like it or not, someday you will bow down to God, He already knows your heart and who's been your master your whole life. This is just my belief and how I think. I'm not saying that anyone has to believe it, I'm just explaining how I work. Though I'm a part of my brother's firm, and I own my own welding shop, I don't work for him, or me. My boss is Christ and He's ultimatley the One I answer to.

 

Dixie, you're in a tough position, and like I said, I commend you and ALL stay at home moms. My cousin Karl had a speech problem that my aunt struggled with. At the same time, my other cousin, (her middle son), was playing with a soldiers parachute. The soldier overshot his landing on the base we were living on. He tied it to a tree and left, David and other kids were taking turns letting the wind carry them up then the kids on the ground would pull them down. David was getting set for his turn when a gust came and took him up. He wasn't tied in, he was just hanging on. He lost his grip and fell some 40 feet.

 

Karl was a witness to this and ran screaming home to his Mom. Noone could understand him along the way as he was trying to explain to other adults that David was hurt. (He was already dead, but Karl had no idea). It wasn't until he got home and explained, (in his own way), to my aunt what happened. I was in the room at the time, and I swear to you, there is no way that anyone could understand him except my aunt. They had, (have), a bond that can't be explained.

 

A few months later, the speech problem wasn't a problem at all. David's death over shadowed her feeling of frustration when it came to working with Karl. Several years later, Karl had surgery removing a portion of the end of his tongue. Thanks to my aunt's work and Karl's determination, he healed up and speaks normally. He's know a special ed's teacher in southern California.

 

I guess in a round about way, I'm telling you that things can be worse. I know you've probably heard that a thousand times. But sometimes we have no idea.

 

Hang in there. You will have your reward.