Cheaters are BROKEN?!

[Furious]

OK, real life scenario as an example:

 

(Older) MW has A with (younger) She "accidentally" falls pregnant, refuses to abort, and suddenly they're parents.

 

the kids are taking too much strain and after a failed reconciliation,

 

he succumbs to the offer of an A, because the agreement of non-exclusivity still holds to his mind, since he's never been told anything else.

 

She refuses to believe him when he tells her, until he moves out, and is then outraged that he would dare to "cheat" on her. After all, surely he must have realised that "things had changed"? Did she really need to spell everything out for him?

 

Was he really so stupid that she needed to tell him something like that?

 

I'm not surprised you don't follow the "logic". I don't either. All i see are double standards.

 

"She" accidentally gets pregnant, I assume it takes two to make a baby. Then you mention "kids", how many more "accidental" pregnancies did "she" have, and not abort as per the verbal agrrement. You'd think one "accident" would send this man to a clinic for a vasectomy. It seems so cold blooded to be bitter about his wife no getting an abortion, but then make more children.

 

As to this man succumbing to the offer of an affair, painting him as a victim is rather naive. He's no victim, probably would still be that woman if someone had not come to his rescue. I's say those two were both broken and both contributed to a toxic and unhealthy marriage. I feel sorry for the children, imagine knowing they were "accidents" and daddy had wanted them aborted.

[goodyblue]

Well, to be fair, as long as the person lying about custody ends up "happy," it's okay for them to lie. Remember the whole "2 wrongs do make a right?"

 

w come only you can lie for happiness, but when someone else does it, they're immoral?

W.

 

Well i didn't lie at all. But I will say that lying about a short term affair is a bit different from lying about being inebriated while caring for a toddler. And I also said SOMETIMES two wrongs make a right, so there's that.

[goodyblue]

I never said they just get taken away. You have to care enough about your child to find the backbone to fight for them. You have to spend money, time and effort to go to court, etc. The cases I mentioned happened in the same time frame as your boyfriends situation. This is nothing new.

 

 

I'm pretty sure you are badly mistaken that his daughter is better off because he stayed in a horrible marriage involving alcoholism to "protect" her. I would recommend you read all the literature about "adult children of alcoholics"

 

I wouldn't know. I didn't have a childhood of dysfunction. I am saying that was HIS reasoning. He stayed to protect her. She seems pretty emotionally healthy, although she has distanced herself from her mother.

 

I.am simply pointing out that a lot of times it is not the cheater who is emotionally bankrupt.

 

Anyway, whatever. Things are really good now so i won't worry about it. The only thing i worry about is if we are happy. We are. We have been together a while now and i don't see things changing. He feels he did the right thing and I won't take that from him.

[Furious]

Uh huh. Of course you don't because the cheater is evil no matter what. And it is not an excuse, it was his reason. Remember. This was in the late 80's-early 90's. Things were not the same. But you can think whatever makes you feel better. His daughter is much better off because he stayed in a horrible marriage to protect her.

 

She denies being an alcoholic even now. So.does her father, who is also an alcoholic. Kids live with alcoholic parents all the time and they get the kids. I can't believe you think they just get taken away. Ridiculous.

 

Hmmm....late 80's-early 90's...that would make the child somewhere between 25 to 30 years old today. Yet he only divorced his wife recently....seems odd.

[velvette]

I wouldn't know. I didn't have a childhood of dysfunction. I am saying that was HIS reasoning. He stayed to protect her. She seems pretty emotionally healthy, although she has distanced herself from her mother.

 

I.am simply pointing out that a lot of times it is not the cheater who is emotionally bankrupt.

 

Anyway, whatever. Things are really good now so i won't worry about it. The only thing i worry about is if we are happy. We are. We have been together a while now and i don't see things changing. He feels he did the right thing and I won't take that from him.

 

 

Don't be surpised if down the road that reverses itself. Many times as children who were scarred by this kind of dysfunction begin to feel the effects of it they blame the parent who should have protected them from the alcoholic parent far more than the alcoholic themselves.

[Bittersweetie]

I won't discount a bit of game playing on both sides, but that is the same nip and tuck of any relationship. Both sides are trying to establish their footing. nothing out if the ordinary

 

So then who is currently driving the bus?

 

Don't think she's not broken. She is - you just haven't YET been on the receiving end of the damage she can cause.

 

Totally agree here. My best friend in college, she was like my sister. We lived together, did everything together. However, she had this way of being really snarky and mean to others, sometimes even just cutting people out of her life for no reason. I didn't really like this about her, but I figured, whatever, that's just a small part of her. It's not like she'd do it to me, we're best friends, sisters.

 

And you guessed it...she did it to me.

 

I think with broken people, it's only a matter of time before they break all their relationships.

[goodyblue]

Hmmm....late 80's-early 90's...that would make the child somewhere between 25 to 30 years old today. Yet he only divorced his wife recently....seems odd.

 

It has been a few years. She was 20, left home, he got his finances in order and got out. But it xoesn't much matter, it is done. If i had my druthers he would have left when she was 5.

[Furious]

It has been a few years. She was 20, left home, he got his finances in order and got out. But it xoesn't much matter, it is done. If i had my druthers he would have left when she was 5.

 

Doesn't add up....if she was born sometime in the late 80's or early 90's that would have made her around 20 years old between 2007-2010.

 

I would imagine if he was intent on divorcing his alcoholic wife as soon as his daughter became 18 , he'd have had his finances in order as early as 2005 or thereabouts. Even at 20, and she moved out, he still stuck around.....hmmm

[goodyblue]

Doesn't add up....if she was born sometime in the late 80's or early 90's that would have made her around 20 years old between 2007-2010.

 

I would imagine if he was intent on divorcing his alcoholic wife as soon as his daughter became 18 , he'd have had his finances in order as early as 2005 or thereabouts. Even at 20, and she moved out, he still stuck around.....hmmm[/quote

 

Hmmm did it occur to you that i am not interested in giving out exact ages as this is a public forum? It adds up, just not to you.

 

But that is neither here nor there. My point was tjere is a double standard. And there most certainly is.

[MissBee]

I've never met anyone who is/was not broken in some way from being in an abusive relationship. Either there was something broken in them to start with that caused them to choose an abusive partner and stay with them or they were broken from living in an abusive R. Either way the only way they are unbroken is therapy or working on their issues.

 

 

Just because they function well with people other than their spouse does not mean something is not broken. Most people are not all one way or the other.

 

This is a good point.

 

We all gravitate to people who are a match for our issues. If you've found yourself in an incredibly dysfunctional relationship, it's usually not simply that this other person is all to blame, but also that while you may have one party who seems more volatile than the other, the enabling party usually has their own set of issues that allowed them to be attracted to such a person and stay with them. Which is what codependent relationships are all about (particularly with alcoholics or people with other addiction). The alcoholic has a problem obviously...but the enabling party who is married or dating them has their own set of issues too and it all congeals into one big mess where BOTH of them are together because they are a match for each other's issues.

 

You get there because of your own issues and even if you supposedly had none (which is near impossible to believe) you'll end up with some afterwards.

 

The idea that one can skate freely from decades of a dysfunctional relationship into a new one with a clean record now is not life. My dad is a serial cheater. When I used to first think about my parents' relationship I used to just demonize my dad totally. Nowadays, while he is a 100% wrong and f()cked up in his own special way...I realize my mom has to also have her own issues for choosing to be with a man like that and keep choosing it. In all relationships with drama and dysfunction that's how it works. One person will seem like the obvious offending party but usually BOTH of them found their way to each other because they had each other's number so to speak and they were the perfect lid to that particular dysfunctional pot...if they weren't...they'd have not managed to marry each other. So both people usually have work to do in figuring out how and why they got to that place as the one doing the cheating or the abusing of substances or whatever it is and also as the one putting up with it or who chose this person.

[LifesontheUp]

Stupidest thing I have ever heard. Sometimes it DOES. My guy and i have a great relationship. He is happy. So two wrongs did make a right.

 

And the first wrong is just as bad, if not worse than the second. I would rather have dealt with a one year affair than twenty years of loneliness.

 

Yep like I said its a tit for tat playground.

 

Obviously justification is the name of the game. But hey ho your happy and double standards are abound.

 

Woosh my post clearly went over your head.

[gettingstronger]

I do feel badly for OP as neither woman wants him full time. I believe that's where the constant need for justification and validation comes from. That's his brokenness and it's unfortunate.

[littleblackheart]

I haven't read all the replies so apologies if this has been said before but my initial reaction to this, as a betrayed woman, is that I haven't really spent that much time wondering how broken my ex is (he seems perfectly fine to me) nor do I care to, frankly. Some cheaters may be broken, some (a lot) just have a major character flow and a passing interest in human decency.

 

 

What I know for sure however, both from personal experience and from observing others, is how cheaters break those they betray in full knowledge, and create perfectly avoidable emotional havoc around them.

 

 

So cheaters are more breakers than they are broken, IMHO.

 

 

And I don't get the sexual orientation analogy.

[CrystalCastles]

Not all MPs promise sexual exclusivity. Some BSs simply assume over time that their spouse will forever be sexually exclusive because they have not previously taken advantage of the agreement they both made at the outset not to be bound by societal expectations such as sexual exclusivity, or gendered roles, or the pressure to procreate.

 

Wow. I hope you're joking. I guess the MM you married is free to go cheat on you because according to your words he "does not promise sexual exclusivity"? What rubbish.

 

When you make a marriage vow, that means exclusivity. If you don't want to be exclusive and want to go boink people behind your SO's back, then don't get married. Hell, don't even get into a relationship! A marriage is a promise of many things, fidelity is one of them.

 

From previous threads, according to you, nobody "owns" a MP. Yes, I agree, nobody owns another person, but when you marry, you limit your freedom to go bang whoever you want. That's what the label "married" means. It means you aren't free to do whatever you want- bang other people. Your logic makes no sense whatsoever, and even less so because it comes from you, a supposedly married woman.

[truncated]

Unlike NYWoman, I was a SAHM, with a high school education. My alcoholic, emotional abuser husband of 15 years held all of the power, the money.

 

 

When I finally moved out, my daughter had just graduated from the 8th grade and my son the 5th grade, where they both made great grades and loved school. I had to move them into a two bedroom apartment in a lesser part of town.

 

 

I could not afford an attorney, so my husband held all of the cards. It took almost 6 months before he filed for D and I was allowed a pittance in child support. And even then it took another 6 months before I could get the state to force him to pay. In the mean time I was forced to work 2 and sometimes a third, weekend job to keep our heads above water. Which meant that I was leaving for work at 3 in the morning and not returning until after 5. In the mean time my children made new friends of the wrong kind. Read DRUGS. My manipulative daughter got my Ex to drop her out of high school and it was a month before I found out, by then it was too late. She never went back.

 

 

It has been over 6 years since I communicated with my druggie daughter. We haven't talked since the state took away, my granddaughter. She had just started the 7th grade, and only this summer after turning 18 and graduating from high school was she once again able to contact me. I can not tell you the torment I went thru not knowing where my grand daughter was, and missing her graduating from grade school and high school. After awhile I no longer knew what she looked like.

 

 

This New Years day will be the 15 year anniversary of my sons suicide.

 

 

Arieswoman: I repeat! Divorce is not always an option.

 

How would cheating have solved one bit of this situation?

[truncated]

So, she realized he was an SOB (her opinion, you don't know what went on in their marriage), stayed with him for years, then, when he was old decided to divorce. Sounds charming.

 

Yet, when I have mentioned in the past that my guy stayed with his ex because he was afraid she would get custody (alcoholic), he is still the jerk. Seems like the theme around here is 'treat your spouse as horribly as you want. Use them for finances, deny sex and intimacy, waste their good years and it is fine. Cheat, and you are broken, evil, have character flaws and no moral compass.

 

Jesus. What a joke this forum is. It has no comnection to real life.

 

Um, so he cheats and does both. Stays with his wife for years and years, exposes his child to her behavior, spend time with you when he should have bene protecting his child, uses his wife's alcholoism ( f it even exits) as an excuse for his,Cr@ppy behavior because it was eaiser to stay than to go. . what a winner!

[truncated]

I wouldn't know. I didn't have a childhood of dysfunction. I am saying that was HIS reasoning. He stayed to protect her. She seems pretty emotionally healthy, although she has distanced herself from her mother.

 

I.am simply pointing out that a lot of times it is not the cheater who is emotionally bankrupt.

 

Anyway, whatever. Things are really good now so i won't worry about it. The only thing i worry about is if we are happy. We are. We have been together a while now and i don't see things changing. He feels he did the right thing and I won't take that from him.

 

Your relationship sounds odd. you say you moved your kids to be with him , so it would seem that moving kids to a new school area, away from friends and family, everythingt hey know is okay if it's because of an affair, but if it's to divorce, then they'll be traumatized for life.

[2.50 a gallon]

truncated

 

 

It appears that you jumped to a conclusion. No where in her post does meatballsmom advocate cheating.

Her point was, that divorce is not always an option, and pointed out the horrendous effect it had on her children

I on the other hand, even though my Ex cheated on me, have learned that under certain circumstances, sometimes cheating, by one of the spouses, can keep the family together long enough to get the kids grown and safely out of the house and into their adult life.

[Zenstudent]

I'm thankfull for this opportunity to have a view into the minds of cheating spouses and OW/OM.

 

Wow, just wow. I'm really beginning to understand why so many people choose to stay single.

[goodyblue]

Yep like I said its a tit for tat playground.

 

Obviously justification is the name of the game. But hey ho your happy and double standards are abound.

 

Woosh my post clearly went over your head.

 

Your post didn't go over my head. I just think BS's like to justify what they did to make the marriage an absolute mess. The fact is, the first wrongs are a breaking of vows in themselves. It is the first offense. And the one that weakens the marriage in lots (but certainly not all) of cases. If you take away sex, emotional intimacy, physical affection, you are betraying your spouse and breaking your vows making the vows null and void. You (general) ignore that and make the affair the focus when most of the time it is just a symptom. There are cases where this is not the case but that is generally what i see, esp. on this forum.

[goodyblue]

Your relationship sounds odd. you say you moved your kids to be with him , so it would seem that moving kids to a new school area, away from friends and family, everythingt hey know is okay if it's because of an affair, but if it's to divorce, then they'll be traumatized for life.

 

 

Nope. Not what I said. I think divorce is ok if it makes the situation better. You are cherry picking my post. I told you that was my guy's reasoning for staying. As I stated, I wish he had divorced when she was five. But he didn't. He feels she is better off for having had him around full time. The point.to my post.was that.the poster who said her friend realized her H was a jerk, squirreled away money, went to school on his dime and raised the kids then left whey were grown was being put on a pedestal. But when i said my guy had done the same in other posts he was put down for not leaving. The reasoninv was our short affair and if he was unhappy he should have just left years ago. See, my point is that ws are called broken, evil, etc because of the affair only and apparently all of the other dysfunction is suddenly rendered moot. Get it?

 

Yes. I moved my children across the country to be with him where they are in much better schools, have made wonderful friends, a fabulous father figure who takes very good care of them both emotionally, physically and financially. They have had opportunities to travel, go to aquariums, museums, beaches, see many different things that.they would never have had the opportunity to do. The difference is I moved my children to a much BETTER life. Jesus. You've no idea how attached my kids are to this man, and he them. He is wonderful. One mistake does not make him morally bankrupt and give his ex the high moral ground here. He is a very good man who made a bad decision. We are simply a better match and are very, very happy. We are a lucky couple and the kids benefit from that. We will be ok for the rest our lives because we work hard on our relationship.

[beach]

I would hope she was broken - because that would give room for her to improve her poor choices.

 

If this is her true self then her lack of character and integrity isn't something thats leaving room for growth/fixable. And that would mean she has issues that lacks a conscience = which by "most" standards is broken as well.

[goodyblue]

I would hope she was broken - because that would give room for her to improve her poor choices.

 

If this is her true self then her lack of character and integrity isn't something thats leaving room for growth/fixable. And that would mean she has issues that lacks a conscience = which by "most" standards is broken as well.

 

One need not be broken in order improve oneself. I work on myself every day. Everyone makes poor choices occasionally. Does not make them broken.

[beach]

One need not be broken in order improve oneself. I work on myself every day. Everyone makes poor choices occasionally. Does not make them broken.

 

We weren't discussing improving oneself. He asked about a person who is cheating. Big difference.

[goodyblue]

We weren't discussing improving oneself. He asked about a person who is cheating. Big difference.

 

As I stated, a person can make a poor choice (cheating) and mend their ways. It does not make them broken. It just makes them a person who made a poor decision.