Am I selfish for not wanting to visit my parents very often?

[kylle]

Hello everyone, it's my first post here but I'be been reading the forum for quite some time now.

 

I'm a 25 year old male, I live 3 hours away from my parents. I love them very much, but I really don't like visiting them often.

 

The problem is really with my mother. When I visit, if I stay for more than say, 4 days, she starts to get on my nerves, asking me everything about my life, including things like how much I have saved on my bank account. Then if I respond "that's my business mom, you do not need to know that", she goes all sad telling me I always keep secrets from her and I'm her son yadda yadda. OR, if she asks stuff like "how's it going at your job?" and I respond "it's fine, but could be better", she goes "oh, so you should look at other jobs, or change X, Y or Z, or even yadda yadda yadda".

 

I know her intentions are good, but if I disagree with anything, she gets mad at me, telling me I don't care about her.

 

Last time I visited, the night before I left she went: "You barely spoke to me! You don't tell me what's going on in your life! Don't forget about your parents, because when we die, you're gonna miss us!". Like I don't know they're gonna die one day!

 

Whenever I'm around her, I feel she doesn't like MY LIFE. She disagrees with me living 3 hours away and always asks for me to look at jobs in their area. She says my salary is bad (it's not huge, but for me it's really enough), that I should go back to studying ASAP (I graduated this April, by the way).

 

I don't know what to say, I prefer not visiting and spending weekends alone or with my girlfriend.

 

I feel horrible because she's my mother, but I can't help feeling better when I'm not around them! Am I selfish?

[Ronni_W]

No, you are not selfish.

You are having a difficult time creating a healthy, functional, appropriate relationship with your mother, with you in role of the independent adult which you are. Nothing at all for you to feel guilty about.

 

The difficulty is that your mother is using the unhealthy, dysfunctional pattern of "how to parent an adult child". It's her free will choice...but you are not obligated to become subservient to it. You get to make your own, empowering, healthy, functional free will choices, instead.

 

Three hours (six total) is not so long that you can't just visit overnight, or maybe for two nights. Continue to stay patient and understanding as you have been...but it's also okay to say along the lines of, "Mom, I don't like it when you try to influence or guilt me to live my life your way. We're both adults now, and I get to keep private the stuff that I want kept private. They are not 'secrets' in the way that you're taking them. I love you now as always...what has changed - and it's the ONLY thing that's changed - is that I am also an adult now. I get to choose my own stuff; that's how I can ensure my own future growth, happiness, fulfillment. You do want that for me, right Ma?" (and stuff like that...speak up for yourself yet in a kind and caring way.)

[darkmoon]

25, you could sling back that she does not care about you, or does not like you, sorry, but she likes her ideas about you, her perceptions, but not you as are who you are, this is demoralising

 

uphill all the way, unless you stick to phone calls only, then you can ring off when things get bad, just chat and go

 

you are 25, she is not right in going on about her death, but she might know that you will be needed when she is frail and old, if only to see if the care-home are not abusing her, tell her that

 

go on, change the ground-rules, gently on the phone, then spend time with your girl, and ffs warn her about your occassionally dramatic ma

Edited December 5, 2014 by darkmoon

[pink_sugar]

I am also 25 and I know how you feel. Keeping a distance from my dysfunctional family is the best thing I have done. My parents pull that guilt trip too. My dad especially. Ever since we moved, he pulls the "my kids never visit me" card, even though just a year ago, I was over there all the time before we moved. My parents have these expectations that WE HAVE to visit on holidays otherwise there is a serious guilt trip. I assume you have good reason not to visit family often and you live 3 hours away! I live 2.5 hours from my relatives and my dad would want me down every other week it seemed like.

[Eternal Sunshine]

To be honest, I have been staying with my parents for the last 9 days and I can't wait to leave and fly back to my place tomorrow. I love them and know that they have good intentions but my mum wants to know every detail of my life, is hassling me to find a boyfriend, trying to set me up with her co-workers . I wanted to spend this afternoon with my friends but my mum nearly cried because I am leaving tomorrow so she guilted me into spending yet another day with them.

 

Short visits are much more bearable.

[kylle]

Yeah, I'm actually quite nervous about visiting on Christmas...me and my girlfriend agreed on going there on 24th and leaving 28th in the morning.

 

I'm already thinking of excuses to say to my mother when she comes with the "WHY CAN'T YOU STAY AT LEAST 1 WEEK?" crap...

 

The fact that I don't like spending much time with her doesn't mean I dislike my parents, it's just that I feel better when I'm in MY house, where I live like I WANT TO. But my mother doesn't think so, she thinks that I'm ungrateful and always guilt trip me with the "I'm not living forever" thing.

 

The sad thing is the fact that it's WAY easier to come with excuses than explaining to them that I'm happier living 3 hours away.

[dreamingoftigers]

Ugh.

 

Ironically her behaviour is making you less likely to visit.

 

I have a mother in law who is controlling and a victim to her kids and grandkids.

They all got sick of it. If the kids turn down free babysitting for the grandkids, its time to think about that. LOL

[Haydn]

I go out for a few beers with my `old dear` and her mates. Sometimes have to pick them up.

[amaysngrace]

She just enjoys your company and is sad that you don't need her anymore.

 

Be nice to your mother. She's the only one you have.

[mrs rubble]

You tend to see things in a different light once you become a parent yourself, you kinda get the nagging, and worrying and stuff. You may feel different in time if you have children yourself.

Totally agree with what ronnie said about gently and politely expressing/explaining to her what annoys you.

I know I had to tell my mother to butt out a couple of times over the years! She didn't much like it, but she got over it.

[bathtub-row]

No. You're just grown up and don't feel like being interrogated about every little thing in your life. My son is 24 and I wouldn't dream of asking him how much is in his bank account, unless there was some extreme situation going on like asking me for money. Even then, I doubt I would ask.

 

Your mother hasn't figured out that it's time to cut the cord and find some new things to talk to you about. She's so used to parenting you that she hasn't noticed that you're now all grown up. I think it's very healthy that you don't live near her. Also, when you do visit, maybe you should reduce your visits to one day instead of four.

 

It's hard for some parents to let go. Maybe you can help your mom recognize that this is a new chapter by saying, "Mom, now that I'm no longer a child, could we possibly talk about or do other things like world issues, the neighbors, make a homemade pizza together, family gossip - anything besides you asking me about personal things?"

 

My son's dad is pretty controlling and my son limits how much time he spends with him. It's just a natural reaction to being treated disrespectfully.

[kylle]

She just enjoys your company and is sad that you don't need her anymore.

 

Be nice to your mother. She's the only one you have.

 

I'm not gonna lie I wasn't expecting this kind of comment.

 

But it's not about that. If she enjoys my company, why does she needs to control everything I do and disapprove ALL of my life decisions?

 

She constantly criticizes my job, my clothes, my WAY OF LIFE, and I assure you, I don't do anything out of the ordinary and haven't EVER had trouble with finances or any stuff of the kind.

 

She asks me about my house, and criticizes how I put the furniture, how I keep the dishes, how I do my laundry, etc, etc etc.

Then she asks me about my job, and criticizes how it's far away from them and don't pay how much she thinks its a great amount (I think is more than enough for me and my girlfriend, btw).

 

You can say she's my only mother but I'm her only son as well, I think I deserve some recognition and not only criticism.

[kylle]

No. You're just grown up and don't feel like being interrogated about every little thing in your life. My son is 24 and I wouldn't dream of asking him how much is in his bank account, unless there was some extreme situation going on like asking me for money. Even then, I doubt I would ask.

 

Nope, I don't have any financial problems, she doesn't have the right to know how much I have saved and she can be as offended as she wants about that.

 

Your mother hasn't figured out that it's time to cut the cord and find some new things to talk to you about. She's so used to parenting you that she hasn't noticed that you're now all grown up. I think it's very healthy that you don't live near her. Also, when you do visit, maybe you should reduce your visits to one day instead of four.

 

In 2012 I spent only Christmas Eve and Christmas itself with them and it was hell on Earth afterwards...she went about how I don't care about her, and I'm a bad son and I don't value the mother I have and yadda yadda...

 

It's hard for some parents to let go. Maybe you can help your mom recognize that this is a new chapter by saying, "Mom, now that I'm no longer a child, could we possibly talk about or do other things like world issues, the neighbors, make a homemade pizza together, family gossip - anything besides you asking me about personal things?"

 

My son's dad is pretty controlling and my son limits how much time he spends with him. It's just a natural reaction to being treated disrespectfully.

 

Lol, I won't lie, I tried talking to her.

You can guess she went with the "Well I'm your mother and you'll always be my son, I raised you, provided for you and helped you all your life."

[amaysngrace]

I'm not gonna lie I wasn't expecting this kind of comment.

 

But it's not about that. If she enjoys my company, why does she needs to control everything I do and disapprove ALL of my life decisions?

 

She constantly criticizes my job, my clothes, my WAY OF LIFE, and I assure you, I don't do anything out of the ordinary and haven't EVER had trouble with finances or any stuff of the kind.

 

She asks me about my house, and criticizes how I put the furniture, how I keep the dishes, how I do my laundry, etc, etc etc.

Then she asks me about my job, and criticizes how it's far away from them and don't pay how much she thinks its a great amount (I think is more than enough for me and my girlfriend, btw).

 

You can say she's my only mother but I'm her only son as well, I think I deserve some recognition and not only criticism.

 

Do you ever just call her just to see how she's doing? Or ask her if she needs anything from you?

 

Good relationships take two willing participants. All I hear from you is complaints and no praise. Surely she must have some good qualities.

 

Yet you are tired of her only criticizing you. That's ironic.

[kylle]

Do you ever just call her just to see how she's doing? Or ask her if she needs anything from you?

 

Yes, everyday actually.

Just to get criticism back.

 

Good relationships take two willing participants. All I hear from you is complaints and no praise. Surely she must have some good qualities.

 

Yet you are tired of her only criticizing you. That's ironic.

 

She does have good qualities, as everyone do, but I came here to talk about the ones that hurt me and make me miserable.

 

As I said on my first post, I get that she loves me and wants my best, but she doesn't approve ANYTHING that I do. She literally doesn't like MY LIFE.

[amaysngrace]

Yes, everyday actually.

Just to get criticism back.

 

She does have good qualities, as everyone do, but I came here to talk about the ones that hurt me and make me miserable.

 

As I said on my first post, I get that she loves me and wants my best, but she doesn't approve ANYTHING that I do. She literally doesn't like MY LIFE.

 

Well too bad because it's not her life...it's yours. She only brought you in but it's your life to live.

 

I would just stop being available to her for a while and when she rings you up to see how you're doing be honest with her about how she is hard to be around because you feel like whatever you do, it's just not good enough.

 

Then see what she has to say about that.

[autumnnight]

She is trying to manipulate you. I think it was the comic writer Erma Bombeck who said "My mother was a travel agent for guilt trips." Mine was/is too. I learned to keep my answers to intruding or manipulative questions and remarks short and repetitive. You are going to be there 3 days and she wants 7? Every time she mentions it you say," I cannot wait to spend time with you and dad. This is when I will be there." Over and over in a pleasant voice. When you give these kind of responses with no wavering, she will eventually get the idea. Your money? "Mom, I am thankful to have a mother who cares and is concerned, but things are fine." Over and over. If she really gets going, stand up, give her a kiss on the cheek and say, "I love you Mom. I'll be back to talk about something else later."

[Tayla]

Pardon as I could not help but feel that you contribute to the degree of creating the wedge between your adult parent and yourself. Good communication starts with finding that middle ground. Why do you even need to disagree at all? When your parent asks how your finances are, be honest and respecting, say Hey mom thanks for asking, my finances are good right now, I know with the economy I have to cut back here and there but overall things are good. Or when she asks about your job, say , yes I am challenged with ( insert dilema) and I hope to have it settle down some , as thats my goal. Again, thanks for caring. You have zero clue at this stage of your life how blessed you are to have a parent that DOES take an interest. Its not being nosey, its being able to openly share with another ADULT. You'll need to do that in any coupling relations you have, so get used to accepting genuine concern and stop assuming that you are being interrogated. And yes, someday when you look back on how you are coming off, call up your parent and apologize for your terse remarks. I think you need to learn to communicate with respect and stop assuming your parent is not human without feelings or regard.

[bathtub-row]

I don't think you're doing anything wrong and when dealing with controlling people, it has nothing to do with your actions. Some people simply need to control and, as my son often says, it doesn't matter what he does, his dad is never happy. This creates a big wedge between them. I'm not going to tell you that I approve of every single thing that my son does but there's not really much he does that bugs me. And when he does do things that I think may not be a bright idea, I let him figure it out. It's his life and his business. A lot of times he will explain why he's doing a certain thing a certain way and then it actually makes sense from that perspective. But, he volunteers a lot of things to me because he knows he can do that with me without getting a lot of judgement.

 

I think calling your mother every day is somewhat ridiculous. But, however often you call her, if she starts criticizing you or getting onto topics that you find invasive or insulting while the two of you are talking, then just tell her that you have to go and end the call. Don't even bother to explain it. If she doesn't figure it out, then it's her problem. If she's anything like my son's dad, she probably never will figure it out and you'll just have to have a limited relationship with her. If she gets upset about how much time you spend visiting, let her know that you don't want to hear about it.

 

When my son was 16, something inside of him snapped and, at that point, he decided that he was no longer going to go back and forth from my house to his dad's. He had had enough of the control. So, when I got home one day and he was at the house, I was surprised. He informed me that he wasn't doing it anymore. I said, "Ok, but you need to tell your dad." He said there was no point because there's no talking to his dad. I told him that I knew that but he had to at least let his dad know about his decision; not to get his approval, but just to inform him. So, he did that and it turned into a fairly lengthy conversation where my son didn't back down at all. A friend was visiting me at the time and overheard the conversation. He said, "Well, there's no doubt who's in control of that conversation." My son never raised his voice, he simply stated his case and never changed his mind. He was done. Completely. He continued to visit his dad fairly often but he didn't spend the night and basically just took back control of his life. And the issue wasn't about going back and forth; the issue was that he was tired of the way his dad treated him.

 

When my son was accepted at a great college, my son was beside himself with happiness. We were both practically bouncing off the walls. But when he told his dad, his dad was very negative about it. This really hurt my son. My son's gf said that the only time she ever saw my son lose his temper is when it had something to do with his dad.

 

But I will tell you this much about people like this -- they will teach you how to deal with others like this in your life (and there will be others). And that's what your mother will teach you. You will either continue to let her badger you, pry into your life, cross boundaries; or you will put your foot down and say you've had enough in no uncertain terms. This is what my son did and he broke that pattern between him and his dad; in the sense that his dad learned there were lines he couldn't cross. That hasn't changed to this day (my son is now 24). I hope some of this info is helpful for you and your situation.

[kylle]

Pardon as I could not help but feel that you contribute to the degree of creating the wedge between your adult parent and yourself. Good communication starts with finding that middle ground. Why do you even need to disagree at all? When your parent asks how your finances are, be honest and respecting, say Hey mom thanks for asking, my finances are good right now, I know with the economy I have to cut back here and there but overall things are good. Or when she asks about your job, say , yes I am challenged with ( insert dilema) and I hope to have it settle down some , as thats my goal. Again, thanks for caring. You have zero clue at this stage of your life how blessed you are to have a parent that DOES take an interest. Its not being nosey, its being able to openly share with another ADULT. You'll need to do that in any coupling relations you have, so get used to accepting genuine concern and stop assuming that you are being interrogated. And yes, someday when you look back on how you are coming off, call up your parent and apologize for your terse remarks. I think you need to learn to communicate with respect and stop assuming your parent is not human without feelings or regard.

 

So basically you're saying that she gets to talk to me in any way she wants, no matter how offensive and disrespectful she is, and I just have to accept it since, well, she is my mother, right?

 

You folks get the wrong idea that I talk back to my mother like a teenager. Well, I can say it's really difficult not to, since she still treats me like one.

 

Let me tell you an example of a conversation we had some time ago and still bothers me. (I was 24)

 

 

MOM>Why couldn't you find any jobs around here yet?

 

ME>Well, I don't really want to mom, I really like my current job and city, I don't think I'll be moving anytime soon.

 

MOM>You are being ridiculous, there are tons of better jobs in our area.

 

ME>I know the salary is better mom, but I like where I am now. It's a peaceful city with lots of oportunities.

 

MOM>Ah you just want to be away from us, don't you?

 

ME>No mom, I love you. If I wanted to be far away I wouldn't even visit! I just like my current job and city and I don't want to move.

 

MOM>You'd be way happier here, you just don't want to move because you hate me. You just wait until I'm dead, you'll be full of regrets for not living closer to your parents!

 

ME> I just like it where I am now! I'm building my life there, I have a house, a good job, nice friends and a wonderful girlfriend. I'm happy!

 

MOM> No you are not happy! You think you are because you're not under my rules, but deep down you know you're miserable. Your life is not worth it! There's nothing special on it! You earned nothing yet, you just say you're happy to fool yourself! What you have it's just worh a pile of garbage.

 

[this went on and on until I demanded her to stop talking about this subject]

 

Now you tell me, as good as her intentions are, I don't have the right to be offended when she says my life is worth nothing, that my job, my girlfriend and my friends are garbage.

Just because she cares about me and she is my mother I have to accept anything that is said to me?

 

You see, stuff like this make me not want to visit my parents. That's why I came here for advice, but well, I guess I'm the idiot, since I'm disrespecting my mother that I'm so lucky to be involved in my life.

[kylle]

I don't think you're doing anything wrong and when dealing with controlling people, it has nothing to do with your actions. Some people simply need to control and, as my son often says, it doesn't matter what he does, his dad is never happy. This creates a big wedge between them. I'm not going to tell you that I approve of every single thing that my son does but there's not really much he does that bugs me. And when he does do things that I think may not be a bright idea, I let him figure it out. It's his life and his business. A lot of times he will explain why he's doing a certain thing a certain way and then it actually makes sense from that perspective. But, he volunteers a lot of things to me because he knows he can do that with me without getting a lot of judgement.

 

I wouldn't mind if my mother gave me advice about any idea she thinks it's foolish. My father does that and sometimes I take his adivice, sometimes don't...

 

My mother mainly disapproves every decision I make, and I'm not exagerating...

 

I think calling your mother every day is somewhat ridiculous. But, however often you call her, if she starts criticizing you or getting onto topics that you find invasive or insulting while the two of you are talking, then just tell her that you have to go and end the call. Don't even bother to explain it. If she doesn't figure it out, then it's her problem. If she's anything like my son's dad, she probably never will figure it out and you'll just have to have a limited relationship with her. If she gets upset about how much time you spend visiting, let her know that you don't want to hear about it.

 

I call her and my dad because I love them and I miss them. Maybe it is too much, but I feel good when I hear my father's voice...

 

But this is what I've been doing, actually...trying to cut the talking when it beggins to bother me.

 

When my son was 16, something inside of him snapped and, at that point, he decided that he was no longer going to go back and forth from my house to his dad's. He had had enough of the control. So, when I got home one day and he was at the house, I was surprised. He informed me that he wasn't doing it anymore. I said, "Ok, but you need to tell your dad." He said there was no point because there's no talking to his dad. I told him that I knew that but he had to at least let his dad know about his decision; not to get his approval, but just to inform him. So, he did that and it turned into a fairly lengthy conversation where my son didn't back down at all. A friend was visiting me at the time and overheard the conversation. He said, "Well, there's no doubt who's in control of that conversation." My son never raised his voice, he simply stated his case and never changed his mind. He was done. Completely. He continued to visit his dad fairly often but he didn't spend the night and basically just took back control of his life. And the issue wasn't about going back and forth; the issue was that he was tired of the way his dad treated him.

 

I never, ever, raise my voice against my mother, but I guess she's like you'r son's father. She yells at me and try to make me think my decisions are worthless...

 

When my son was accepted at a great college, my son was beside himself with happiness. We were both practically bouncing off the walls. But when he told his dad, his dad was very negative about it. This really hurt my son. My son's gf said that the only time she ever saw my son lose his temper is when it had something to do with his dad.

 

I can relate. When I graduated I was beside myself with happiness as well, and the first thing my mother asked me after I get the diploma was: "Well, now you have to find something else to study, and a better job ASAP! I've already searched and [insert city around their town] has a ton of carreer oportunities!"

 

It bummed me out as hell.

 

But I will tell you this much about people like this -- they will teach you how to deal with others like this in your life (and there will be others). And that's what your mother will teach you. You will either continue to let her badger you, pry into your life, cross boundaries; or you will put your foot down and say you've had enough in no uncertain terms. This is what my son did and he broke that pattern between him and his dad; in the sense that his dad learned there were lines he couldn't cross. That hasn't changed to this day (my son is now 24). I hope some of this info is helpful for you and your situation.

 

Thank you for your time...it really helped me see stuff, I'm trying hard to put my foot down, but anything we do that our parents disagree, we fell guilty and that's where it gets us...

[autumnnight]

So basically you're saying that she gets to talk to me in any way she wants, no matter how offensive and disrespectful she is, and I just have to accept it since, well, she is my mother, right?

 

You folks get the wrong idea that I talk back to my mother like a teenager. Well, I can say it's really difficult not to, since she still treats me like one.

 

Let me tell you an example of a conversation we had some time ago and still bothers me. (I was 24)

 

 

MOM>Why couldn't you find any jobs around here yet?

 

ME>Well, I don't really want to mom, I really like my current job and city, I don't think I'll be moving anytime soon.

 

MOM>You are being ridiculous, there are tons of better jobs in our area.

 

ME>I know the salary is better mom, but I like where I am now. It's a peaceful city with lots of oportunities.

 

MOM>Ah you just want to be away from us, don't you?

 

ME>No mom, I love you. If I wanted to be far away I wouldn't even visit! I just like my current job and city and I don't want to move.

 

MOM>You'd be way happier here, you just don't want to move because you hate me. You just wait until I'm dead, you'll be full of regrets for not living closer to your parents!

 

ME> I just like it where I am now! I'm building my life there, I have a house, a good job, nice friends and a wonderful girlfriend. I'm happy!

 

MOM> No you are not happy! You think you are because you're not under my rules, but deep down you know you're miserable. Your life is not worth it! There's nothing special on it! You earned nothing yet, you just say you're happy to fool yourself! What you have it's just worh a pile of garbage.

 

[this went on and on until I demanded her to stop talking about this subject]

 

Now you tell me, as good as her intentions are, I don't have the right to be offended when she says my life is worth nothing, that my job, my girlfriend and my friends are garbage.

Just because she cares about me and she is my mother I have to accept anything that is said to me?

 

You see, stuff like this make me not want to visit my parents. That's why I came here for advice, but well, I guess I'm the idiot, since I'm disrespecting my mother that I'm so lucky to be involved in my life.

 

I know this merry go round well and it's not very merry. The best way to deal with it IMO is to answer pleasantly like you did in the first answer. When she starts going down the list, you tell her you're happy where you are and the subject is closed. If she continues, walk away. If she pursues, leave and go back home. It will be hard the first few times and she will wail and faint and be dramatic. But she will understand eventually that if she wants time with her son she needs to cut it out.

[Tayla]

So basically you're saying that she gets to talk to me in any way she wants, no matter how offensive and disrespectful she is, and I just have to accept it since, well, she is my mother, right?

 

You folks get the wrong idea that I talk back to my mother like a teenager. Well, I can say it's really difficult not to, since she still treats me like one.

 

Let me tell you an example of a conversation we had some time ago and still bothers me. (I was 24)

 

 

MOM>Why couldn't you find any jobs around here yet?

 

ME>Well, I don't really want to mom, I really like my current job and city, I don't think I'll be moving anytime soon.

 

MOM>You are being ridiculous, there are tons of better jobs in our area.

 

ME>I know the salary is better mom, but I like where I am now. It's a peaceful city with lots of oportunities.

 

MOM>Ah you just want to be away from us, don't you?

 

ME>No mom, I love you. If I wanted to be far away I wouldn't even visit! I just like my current job and city and I don't want to move.

 

MOM>You'd be way happier here, you just don't want to move because you hate me. You just wait until I'm dead, you'll be full of regrets for not living closer to your parents!

 

ME> I just like it where I am now! I'm building my life there, I have a house, a good job, nice friends and a wonderful girlfriend. I'm happy!

 

MOM> No you are not happy! You think you are because you're not under my rules, but deep down you know you're miserable. Your life is not worth it! There's nothing special on it! You earned nothing yet, you just say you're happy to fool yourself! What you have it's just worh a pile of garbage.

 

[this went on and on until I demanded her to stop talking about this subject]

 

Now you tell me, as good as her intentions are, I don't have the right to be offended when she says my life is worth nothing, that my job, my girlfriend and my friends are garbage.

Just because she cares about me and she is my mother I have to accept anything that is said to me?

 

You see, stuff like this make me not want to visit my parents. That's why I came here for advice, but well, I guess I'm the idiot, since I'm disrespecting my mother that I'm so lucky to be involved in my life.

 

Yes I can see the quandry in this style of communication. In what ways were either of you being open during that conversation and validating each others view points? How did either of you carry empathy? If it means anything your parent was less then kind in the one remark, yet I am sure if I listened to each of your tones, it didn't remain calm and loving by either of you. Take some communication classes , it will help you understand the dynamics to true listening and communicating on various levels. to many people hear on one level without getting to the true essence of the speaker.

[FusionCutter]

One day your mother will be dead. Imagine yourself at that time looking back and yourself today. Are you going to be proud of what you said to your mother? Could you live with yourself?

 

Your mother has a strange way of showing her love for you. You have to love her unconditionally. She's your family. Respond to her rather strange questions tact and humility rather than annoyance.

 

Like

 

"That's really nice that you care about my finances, but you and dad don't need to worry. I'm able to take care of myself now."

 

If she asks you to stay for a week

 

"I'd love to be able to stay that much, but I simply can't, because of my commitments with _____ . I will see you soon?"

 

Etc.

 

You only have have one mother. Be mature about it, but at the same time, don't let her control you.

[hyrule]

One day your mother will be dead. Imagine yourself at that time looking back and yourself today. Are you going to be proud of what you said to your mother? Could you live with yourself?

 

Your mother has a strange way of showing her love for you. You have to love her unconditionally. She's your family. Respond to her rather strange questions tact and humility rather than annoyance.

 

Like

 

"That's really nice that you care about my finances, but you and dad don't need to worry. I'm able to take care of myself now."

 

If she asks you to stay for a week

 

"I'd love to be able to stay that much, but I simply can't, because of my commitments with _____ . I will see you soon?"

 

Etc.

 

You only have have one mother. Be mature about it, but at the same time, don't let her control you.

 

That is NOT showing love.

 

Saying to your own child you're going to die one day therefore they should value you is emotional blackmail.

 

No matter how much OP's mother loves him and wants him to spend most of his time with her, saying stuff like that is NOT healthy in any way. It's abusive and should not be encouraged.

 

My cousin grew up with parents saying stuff like "if you don't eat your vegetables, mom and dad will be down and die of sadness." or even "Why do you want to spend the night at your friends house when we said no? Do you want us to be sad and die?"

 

OP, that is guilt tripping and your mother seems to have a PhD on it.

 

My advice would be spending the time YOU feel is right with your parents. Enjoy it while it is enjoyable and simply try to ignore your mother's criticism if you feel she's just being irrational.