Am I selfish for not wanting to visit my parents very often?

[orangetree]

I absolutely understand the situation you're in. I feel the same (I also posted a thread here, if you wanna have a look)- I even live on a different continent, but I visit my parents three times a year, staying with them a total of 4-5 weeks per year, which is a lot I think. I also whatsapp with my mother almost every day, message my dad on Facebook 1-2 per week and talk to them on the phone every two weeks. For my mother it's never enough, she keeps complaining about me living so far away, not knowing every single detail of my life etc etc. I often feel uncomfortable around them (especially my mom) because of her constant complaining and nagging. Last year I spend a week and a half with them until one day before Xmas and left the 23rd to spend Xmas with my boyfriend (I never ever spent Xmas somewhere else, this was the first time ever) and you cannot imagine how pissed, angry and sad she was, saying I have a new family now and I don't care about them anymore.

 

 

OP and people who answered- May I ask how often you visit your parents and for how much time usually?

[kylle]

I absolutely understand the situation you're in. I feel the same (I also posted a thread here, if you wanna have a look)- I even live on a different continent, but I visit my parents three times a year, staying with them a total of 4-5 weeks per year, which is a lot I think. I also whatsapp with my mother almost every day, message my dad on Facebook 1-2 per week and talk to them on the phone every two weeks. For my mother it's never enough, she keeps complaining about me living so far away, not knowing every single detail of my life etc etc. I often feel uncomfortable around them (especially my mom) because of her constant complaining and nagging. Last year I spend a week and a half with them until one day before Xmas and left the 23rd to spend Xmas with my boyfriend (I never ever spent Xmas somewhere else, this was the first time ever) and you cannot imagine how pissed, angry and sad she was, saying I have a new family now and I don't care about them anymore.

 

 

OP and people who answered- May I ask how often you visit your parents and for how much time usually?

 

Sorry it took to long for me to answer!

First things first...answering your question: I usually visit just once in a couple of months, normally I stay just 3 days, max.

 

Me and my fiancé visited my folks and Christmas was intense, it ended with my mother insulting my fiancé for no reasonable explanation and we ended up coming back to our city one day before we had planned.

 

We had decided to go on Dec 24th and come back on Dec 28th in the morning. Well, we ended up going on Dec 27th ASAP.

 

It was tough. My cousin and her boyfriend invited me and my fiancé to go to a trip and visit a "Comic Con-like" event that was going to happen on Dec 28th on a city 1 hour away from my folks. Since we were going to leave on the same day in the morning, we thought we could go to this trip, come back, spend some little more time with my parents and then leave on the afternoon.

 

My mother was furious when we talked about this trip, she raised her voice and said "YOU'LL BE DRIVING 3 HOURS TO GO BACK TO YOUR CITY, I DON'T THINK YOU SHOULD GO".

I tried reasoning with her, saying that my cousin's boyfriend would be driving on this trip and I wouldn't get tired, well...it was useless. She just raised her voice even more and said "FINE, GO THEN! YOU DON'T EVEN HAVE TO COME BACK, YOU CAN GO TO YOUR HOUSE FROM THERE!".

 

Well this went on and on and didn't end up beautifully. I gave up trying to reason with her.

 

My fiancé was really excited to go to this trip, and seeing my mother react this way kinda scared her. She was bummed out totally.

After a while my mother saw that she was not happy and said to us: "IF YOU'RE GOING TO STAY HERE WITH THIS S*** OF EXPRESSION, THEN LEAVE!"

 

So I said "fine then, we'll be leaving first thing in the morning". On the other day my mother cried and begged for me to stay, but didn't admit her reaction was wrong and didn't say she was sorry for my girlfriend, whom she offended badly.

 

Now I don't plan on visiting anytime soon, and I'm not sorry for it.

[hoping2heal]

Hello everyone, it's my first post here but I'be been reading the forum for quite some time now.

 

I'm a 25 year old male, I live 3 hours away from my parents. I love them very much, but I really don't like visiting them often.

 

The problem is really with my mother. When I visit, if I stay for more than say, 4 days, she starts to get on my nerves, asking me everything about my life, including things like how much I have saved on my bank account. Then if I respond "that's my business mom, you do not need to know that", she goes all sad telling me I always keep secrets from her and I'm her son yadda yadda. OR, if she asks stuff like "how's it going at your job?" and I respond "it's fine, but could be better", she goes "oh, so you should look at other jobs, or change X, Y or Z, or even yadda yadda yadda".

 

I know her intentions are good, but if I disagree with anything, she gets mad at me, telling me I don't care about her.

 

Last time I visited, the night before I left she went: "You barely spoke to me! You don't tell me what's going on in your life! Don't forget about your parents, because when we die, you're gonna miss us!". Like I don't know they're gonna die one day!

 

Whenever I'm around her, I feel she doesn't like MY LIFE. She disagrees with me living 3 hours away and always asks for me to look at jobs in their area. She says my salary is bad (it's not huge, but for me it's really enough), that I should go back to studying ASAP (I graduated this April, by the way).

 

I don't know what to say, I prefer not visiting and spending weekends alone or with my girlfriend.

 

I feel horrible because she's my mother, but I can't help feeling better when I'm not around them! Am I selfish?

 

I had to assert boundaries for this kind of thing with my own Mom. She liked to inject her opinion into everything and was so often convinced that I was making the wrong choices for myself simply on the basis that they are not the kinds of choices that she would make. Similarily, she is guilty of the same manipulative trip that your Mom does to you.

 

I just told her pretty point blank that I loved her but I am not her, that I'm a grown adult and doing just fine for myself - that my choices are mine to live with and unless I specifically ask for input, I would appreciate be kept to themselves. I also told her bluntly "and I'm all done with your boo hoo act, don't try to make statements like that when you know they are not true. It is manipulative". Really, it embarasses her to have her manipulation called out so it's been a great deterrent. She almost fell off her chair "I'd never talk to my Mother that way". "Did Grandma Do X?" "no" "Did Grandma do X?" "no" OK, you didn't have any reason to talk to Grandma that way.

 

I love my Mom, but being my mother is not a free license to control me, guilt me, or manipulate me for any reason. Respect is a 2-way street and I know there are those who disagree that you should appease your Mom at all costs, but that is their life philosophy to undertake and not mine.

[kylle]

I had to assert boundaries for this kind of thing with my own Mom. She liked to inject her opinion into everything and was so often convinced that I was making the wrong choices for myself simply on the basis that they are not the kinds of choices that she would make. Similarily, she is guilty of the same manipulative trip that your Mom does to you.

 

I just told her pretty point blank that I loved her but I am not her, that I'm a grown adult and doing just fine for myself - that my choices are mine to live with and unless I specifically ask for input, I would appreciate be kept to themselves. I also told her bluntly "and I'm all done with your boo hoo act, don't try to make statements like that when you know they are not true. It is manipulative". Really, it embarasses her to have her manipulation called out so it's been a great deterrent. She almost fell off her chair "I'd never talk to my Mother that way". "Did Grandma Do X?" "no" "Did Grandma do X?" "no" OK, you didn't have any reason to talk to Grandma that way.

 

I love my Mom, but being my mother is not a free license to control me, guilt me, or manipulate me for any reason. Respect is a 2-way street and I know there are those who disagree that you should appease your Mom at all costs, but that is their life philosophy to undertake and not mine.

 

Lol I've heard the "I would never talk to my mother that way!" countless times. It's classic.

 

I have to say, when I was a teenager I pretty much gave up to her nagging most of the times. For (a ridiculous) example, sometimes my friend would give pool parties and invited some of our other friends.

My mother hates pools and has an idea that just entering the water would give you the flu or a cold (it's ridiculous I know, I think she's afraid of water). So she nagged, complained and said that I could go but I would not enter the pool. I fought, tried to reason but nothing worked so I would agree to go to the party without entering the pool.

 

Now that I'm an adult, finished with college and have my own job, I expected I could do my stuff without being questioned at, but nope. That's why I don't intend to move closer to my parents, nor vitit them often.

 

I really don't like the feel of having my adult life controled by my mother.