Ex has been texting/calling me

[Mzakflip40]

She broke up with me about 4 weeks ago after nearly a 2 year relationship, she wasn't happy at the time, sad that I wasn't putting in the effort that I should have. She was always amazing to me and I took that for granted. I begged and pleaded at first, telling her I'd change, I'm sorry, etc. She insisted she just needed to be alone, that she wanted to find what makes her happy on her own. I went NC for about 2 weeks before we met again this past weekend to talk. I apologized, and took full responsibility for my actions, and told her that if she would give me the chance, I would show her I absolutely do care about her and will change. She said she wasn't ready for that and I accepted that. Told her I just want her to be happy. From here I was ready to go NC again, however she texted me that night thanking me for the flowers I gave her and that she truly appreciates everything I said for her. The next night, she texts me again, worried about if I'll get back with my ex from 5 years ago, I tried to play it cool, told her that's not going to happen (which is true). I don't hear from her for the next 4 days, she again texts me last night after I had posted an Instagram of my dog and I, saying that was a good picture. I don't respond right away, she then calls me, I tell her I'm doing something but will call her back shortly. I wait 15 minutes or so and call her back, and we talk for 45 minutes just about random stuff. I tried not to bring up the relationship, told her I miss her. But the majority of the time we just talked about our week, work, funny stories, like nothing had happened.

 

I guess I'm just looking for some advice on where to go from here. Should I continue to let her come to me? Should I reach out to her at all? I know for a fact that she still loves me, and there's no other guy in her life right now. I truly believe she needed some space to think things over, and now maybe she's realizing what we had could be gone forever.

[Zahara]

Should I continue to let her come to me?

 

Yes, but not in the sense of you maintaining contact and sitting around waiting for her to make her choice.

 

Should I reach out to her at all?

 

No. You should tell her that you will do whatever it takes to make the relationship work and give her what she needs if she is willing to give you a second chance. And when she's ready to do that, you will be there to start fresh with her. Tell her that you will give her all the space she wants but no contact would be best for both of you until she decides, especially for you because doing this song and dance puts you at an emotional risk.

 

I know for a fact that she still loves me, and there's no other guy in her life right now. I truly believe she needed some space to think things over, and now maybe she's realizing what we had could be gone forever.

 

Stop projecting these thoughts on her. Sometimes things are not what they seem. She chose to end it. That means you go NC and you start healing. She knows you want her back so let her come to you when she is ready and when she wants to move forward.

Edited December 5, 2014 by Zahara

[lolablue17]

I advice you to be patient. It seems she feels insecure about you, and doesn't know what to decide. It's obviously she still has interest in you.

 

So she is probably looking for signs and looking for that desire for you in her heart. Let her search and hope she'll find it.

 

Good luck.

[Mzakflip40]

I advice you to be patient. It seems she feels insecure about you, and doesn't know what to decide. It's obviously she still has interest in you.

 

So she is probably looking for signs and looking for that desire for you in her heart. Let her search and hope she'll find it.

 

Good luck.

 

Thank you, that's good advice. I feel like I owe it to her and to myself to be patient and try to make this work. I'm not ready to completely move on yet, and I know this may end up hurting me more, but at least I can say I tried.

[me85]

Why do they do that? Isn't it frustrating?? Just tell her she's confusing you and you'd prefer no contact if she doesn't want to get back together.

[Danda]

I think the advice in this thread is rational and sound advice, but I am also wondering about a different possible angle on the situation.

 

You say that she broke things off for the specific reason that she felt you weren't putting in enough effort (which indicates to me that she was questioning her value to you based on the level of effort, however she measures effort).

 

You have told her that you can and will change.

 

I just want to point out the possibility that, being human, she might not be thinking in a 100% mature and forthcoming manner in all of this, and that she might actually be trying to 'test' you in her own way.

 

As in, what effort are you putting in to get her back?

 

I just have the suspicion that since she was measuring your effort somehow while in the relationship, that she was furthermore questioning what she was worth to you. And now you are telling her that you can and will change, but it seems like she wants you to actually show it.

 

And instead she is the one who keeps having to initiate contact. It's kind of like her plan to test you is backfiring on her a bit because you're being extremely mature and respectful. (So please don't get me wrong here, I'm not criticizing your approach at all.) However the way she might wind up viewing it is that she wasn't really worth that much after all.

 

Yes it immature, it's game playing in a way, it's irrational, etc. But it just wouldn't surprise me if that's what's going on in her head. I am a female and most of my friends have been females over the years, and I have just seen this song/dance several times.

 

I think going no contact and protecting your own emotions is an extremely overall good idea, but I also think it could be worth it to experiment just a tiny bit and reach out to her once and see how it goes.

 

She thanked you for the flowers and everything you said, which to me just comes across as, "Thank you for putting in some effort."

 

She talked with you on the phone but didn't bring up the relationship. (She probably wanted you to do that, yes, even though you've already stated how you feel and what you want, probably multiple times.)

 

I'd bet dollars to doughnuts that she probably feels 'stuck' right now because she wanted you to chase her and display that "effort" level (or whatever) and instead you reacted in a mature/respectful fashion. So she is probably in a 'now what' sort of place in her mind. But if she was right before, about you not putting in as much effort as you should have, then if she caves and keeps coming to you and putting in effort to get the two of you back together, well that idea probably chaps her buns.

 

So again, I think the advice here is great and that the way you have handled it is very mature, props. But I just think it is also worth noting that she might not see the situation as, "He is being mature and respectful, that's great." So a tiny bit of dabbling in pursuit of her might do a great deal of wonder. BUT it would come at the cost of some of your dignity and self-protection. Which is probably the whole point in her mind.

 

I'm not saying it'd be mature or fair of her, if this is the case, but just that's very possible regardless.

[Mzakflip40]

Update to this, she's still been texting me now and then. Just last night she asked how my weekend was, what I did, etc. I don't initiate any of the contact and try to play things calm and cool. We end up making plans to have breakfast tomorrow at a place we used to go to quite a bit. Still not sure how I should proceed, I don't want to bring up the relationship, but at the same time I want to know where she's at with all of this/let her know that I still care about her and miss and am willing to try to make things work if she gives me that opportunity.