MM in a very young marriage-- chances of divorce?

[Tamed Wildflower]

It seems that most of the women who have posted here have been seeing MM's who have been married for quite some time (let's say at least ten years).

 

Does anyone have any experience with men who are very unhappily married who are rather young (about 30), and who have been married for less than 3 years?

 

Ya'll have made it apparent that most men stick with their wives ultimately. But do you think that men are much more likely to stick with a marriage that they have been in for 10 or 20 years than one that is only 2 or 3 years old? Especially when it was NEVER a happy marriage from Day One? And, if neither he nor his wife went into it expecting that they would definitely be together for life? He's told me that they more or less said to each other, "We'll see if this works."

 

They also do not yet have a mortgage together, and they are not really financially dependent on each other. The main reason they are together is that they have a very sweet young son, who they are committed to being good parents to. (So to the extent that they need each other's incomes to contribute to raising him, they are financially interdependent. But one can share the costs of raising a child without being married, too.) They are of course, bound together by their love for their child too, but not by their love for each other.

 

It would seem to me that one would be less afraid of leaving an unhappy marriage if it is yet old, familiar, and comfortable, and also if you happen to be young enough that there will be plenty of other single people your age.

 

What do you think?

[StillHurtin]

I'm not the OW, my H had an A during our D/separation. We had been M almost 11 years w/ two children. The OW that H had the A w/ was pg w/ her BF's baby so they got married. They didn't get married until the child was about 2, they were M 8 months b4 she started having an A w/ H and then she filed for a D. H broke it off w/ her and decided he wanted the M to work. The OW however is D from her H and is seeing someone else.

So, in this situation, the person that was M less years (or should I say months) was more apt to leave and go through her D than the person who had been M longer, but I don't think she really loved her xh, she M him b/c they had a child together and she claims her xinlaws forced her into M their son. Her xmil regrets it now ( I spoke w/ her)

[NotMeToo]

My MM had been married for 1 and 1/2 years with no kids. Supposedly he left his wife (he is staying with me right now) and is in love with me. We had been seeing eachother for about 4 months when I told him I couldn't do it anymore...he left her the same day. Now who knows if he will go back...

[kkat]

It stands to reason that the longer someone is married, the more equity they have in the marriage - time invested, relationships with families, friends, in-laws that are interconnected, financial relationship (joint equity/debt, whatever). I would think that couples who have made it through more time and experiences together would be less likely to then divorce, but then there are also the couples who "stick it out" for the young children, then feel more free to divorce later.

 

I was wondering, in your situation, does your MM tell you he wants to get a divorce and intends to do so?

[Tamed Wildflower]

Thanks for your responses.

 

The MM with whom I have a romantic emotional relationship-- he got married only because his girlfriend had gotten pregnant too. Actually, right before she got pregnant, he wanted to break up with her but was waiting for a time when it would be convenient. (He didn't have the heart to break up with her when she had moved to an unfamiliar city to live with him.) As far as I know, they don't really love each other either-- they are together for the child and that's it.

 

How about this question: If you were a really close friend of this MM and he came to you for advice, what would you tell him?

 

My thinking in these kinds of situations is always that it is better to leave the unhappy marriage and take a chance on finding happiness. I think it is better for the man and woman, as well as better for the kids-- I think it is healthier to grow up living between the households of two divorced parents than to grow up with parents who don't love each other and who fight much of the time.

 

What is other people's response to this? What is best for both the couple and the kid(s)?

 

Thanks.

[Tamed Wildflower]

Actually, no, he does not say that he wants a divorce.

 

I wasn't posting so much because I have any kind of immediate hope that he will be available, I was really just asking to get an idea of whether or not the statistics are in my favor. I do understand that people do not always behave like statistics, and that my MM and his W have the freedom to make choices that run contrary to what the stats say they might do.

 

I just sort of wanted to know if I should keep a tiny bit of hope in my heart that in a few years he might change his mind.

 

Basically where he is right now is as follows:

He is very unhappy with his marriage. (Never wanted it in the first place, nor did his wife. They both did it because she was pregnant.) He is not entirely sure that his marriage will work even if he and his wife work on it. He is willing to work on it and tries to get his wife to work on it with him. She is exhausted with the whole situation and has no energy left to work on it. She is indifferent about whether the marriage continues. He has told me that he doesn't see his wife as a person who wants happiness. She's just "not a happy person." So she is willing neither to leave the marriage to seek happiness elsewhere nor to work on the marriage to make it happier or more tolerable. She is kind of a person who doesn't want to make decisions about her own life, and she is pretty much indifferent to his opinions, wishes, and needs.

 

This is where I am right now:

I think he is making a mistake for staying. I think that if he wants to get out at all, he should do it soon while he is still young (30) rather than waiting until he and his wife have a mortgage, debt etc, and also rather than waiting until most women his age are married.

 

I long to be with him. Sometimes I have trouble thinking about my long-term future and not seeing him there by my side. The relationship is wonderful on so many levels. We click in ways that he and his wife never have. The idea of being his son's stepmom makes me very happy-- I would embrace it wholeheartedly.

 

However, I am younger than him-- 24 in a few weeks, and although I would love to be with him and his son for the long-term, I am not quite ready to be a stepmom right now, financially or otherwise. I need at least 2 or 3 years.

 

I also respect MM's decisions, much as it hurts. I think that I have to let him go. I can't be in his life if he really wants to work on his marriage.

 

I guess I must confess that what I really hope is that he will eventually realize that his marriage will never be more than tolerable, that he deserves more, and that his son deserves a home environment that is actually happy. And, heck, it wouldn't hurt if this realization of his happens to coincide with my feeling more ready to enter a serious long-term relationship.

 

What do you think? Am I stupid and naive to be so hopeful?

[Tamed Wildflower]

Oh one more detail--

 

We have never seriously and openly discussed long-term prospects for us. He did mention to me once that he has considered the possibility of a long-term relationship with me, so it is not like it is just me pulling this out of my ass. I guess maybe we should really be open with each other about where we stand?

[Owl]

Personally, I'd tell him to drop you for three months. No contact whatsoever. And to see how he felt about you, and your relationship, after three months. After all, if it's true love, then three months of no contact at all would make no difference at all in how you two felt, yes?

 

Realize that if he's willing to lie to his wife about you, then he's willing to lie to you about his wife. He says he got married just because he got her pregnant...but at the same time, he's probably telling his wife that everything is fine, and that she's got nothing to worry about between him and her.

 

Something that I've learned about affairs...the odds are, he's lying to himself too. He's mentally "re-written" his whole marriage, so that he can justify his affair with you to himself. My wife did it when she had her emotional affair...and I've seen tons of other people who did the exact same thing. It's one of the most consistent things you'll see in an affair...that the WS (wayward spouse) will convince THEMSELVES that they've never been happy...when all the evidence indicates that they've only REALLY been unhappy since the onset of the affair, or just prior to it. And they'll continue to see things that way for weeks or months after the affair ends...until they finally get back to a point where they can look at things LOGICALLY, and RATIONALLY.

 

I'm not saying this to bash you...I'm trying to interject a bit of reality here. Go over to the marriagebuilders website, and read through the TONS of posts there about affairs. And read what the people who were involved with them say about their thoughts and such when they were in the affair, versus how the felt before and after the affair.

 

Is he more likely to divorce now, rather than if this had happened 10 years from now...probably. He doesn't have the years of relationship built up with his wife that he can look back on and remember the good times.

 

 

Regardless...I hope that everything works out for you and everyone else involved in this the best possible way that it can.

[Tamed Wildflower]

Oh sorry, one more detail (really this time just one more and then I have to get back to WORK!)

 

I have also been giving him advice as to how to improve his relationship with his wife. I have really been helping a lot, and he has expressed gratitude for giving him advice that could save his marriage.

 

Do you think I am CRAZY for doing this?

 

I have told him that I am emotionally conflicted about working to save his marriage when I of course want to be with him. I know that I have to stop soon or I will begin to feel hurt and resentful.

 

Have other OW's ever done this?? Am I insane???

 

 

 

Thanks so much to those who have responded, and thanks in advance for any more responses that I get!! Sorry to be so long-winded (I am such a forum-hog!)

[MsMree]

nor does he speak about it to me - he doesn't bad-mouth her, he doesn't talk to me about his problems - I JUST DON'T WANT TO HEAR IT.

 

I'm not his M counselor (haha).

 

To be honest, a man who is talk'g about his W when he is w/his lover proves where his focus is. You may want to reconsider these conversations.

[kkat]

I have also been giving him advice as to how to improve his relationship with his wife. I have really been helping a lot, and he has expressed gratitude for giving him advice that could save his marriage.

 

Well..... I wonder about this. You likely actually aren't "helping a lot" and neither is he. Helping would somehow have to, I would think, involve him not being with another woman (you) and getting his tail back home to his wife, right?

 

But then again, it's not really your project to help him. Nor is it possibly within your integrity at this point, is it? I mean, your objective of wanting to be with him and hoping he leaves his wife is not compatible with wanting his marriage to improve, is it?

 

By the way, I was alot older than you when I thought the same thing!

 

Just don't be a free bed and breakfast for this guy while his marriage is on the rocks. And if you want him to leave his wife for you, ask him whether or not that is his intention. And if he says no, believe it.

 

Keep posting here - there are alot of us here who might be able to help you a bit!

[Sad Flower]

My XMM was married less than two yrs when we started dating but he had been with her going on 8 yrs he is currently 25 she is a couple yrs younger than him, and I am older than him

[ww]

i think you are just : WAITING FOR GODOT

[sami]

That doesn't make much of a difference.

[Tamed Wildflower]

What do you mean by Waiting for Godot?

 

That was a play wasn't it?

[Sad Flower]

and I am older than him

 

Just a little thing i wanted to throw in

[Other Man]

A married man or woman will not leave their significant other for something on the "side" also it's like a game, your the person on the side, it's a challenge because you want the MM only because he has someone (a wife to be exact) let's say the MM does leave and goes with you, chances are you'll leave him, reason

1. If he did it to her, he'll do it to you

2. The competition is over

[newby]

But then again, it's not really your project to help him. Nor is it possibly within your integrity at this point, is it? I mean, your objective of wanting to be with him and hoping he leaves his wife is not compatible with wanting his marriage to improve, is it?

QUOTE ORIGINALLY POSTED BY KKAT

i'm sorry kkat, i dont agree with this. it is quite possible to have many conflicting emotions and intentions. especially in these kind of situations where everything is so confused. as does the mm i suppose, in some cases.