when your boyfriend doesn't want to get married?

[frazzled12]

Please no harsh or judgmental words...We are both older. He is 37 and I am 39. I was married many years ago to a man I thought I would spend the rest of my life with. I divorced him because he was physically abusive to me and although I suggested we seek help together, he refused leaving me no other choice but to end the marriage. We never had children. At 30 I started my life again as a single woman, not knowing where to start with the dating pool. I took time by myself to heal and started dating at 32. I met a lot of frogs until I finally met the wonderful man that I have been dating today. We have been together since I was 36. I basically told him that I want to move forward with our relationship and start a family soon. We don't yet live together, we have our own separate apartments. He told me that he is uncertain and doesn't think he can give me those things. This broke my heart, it was a shocking answer. Now I am faced with a dilemma since I have no time to waste. I have since pulled away from the relationship to get my thoughts on straight.

[Rainbowlove]

I was in a similar situation - only my spouse wanted a child and I didn't. I was 40, she 6 years younger.

 

Prior to becoming pregnant, this was a constant back and forth in our marriage (lesbians together for 20 years).

 

I realized at some point this disagreement was a potential deal breaker in our marriage. I decided to come to her side, rather than lose us...but we were already committed for 16 years.

 

We now have a beautiful toddler.

 

He knows how you feel. You know how he feels. Stalemate.

 

It took four years for me to come to my wife's side. I know the risks of pregnancy increase as you age, but you do still have a small window open.

 

Let him give it some more thought. You do the same.

 

If you feel this is something he can never give you and it's a deal breaker, you'll need to walk away. Or stay with him and find happiness without children.

 

Have you talked about marriage? And is that off the table too?

 

Just saw your title. No marriage. I think you know your answer. Sorry.

Edited December 6, 2014 by Rainbowlove

[d0nnivain]

Best thing I ever read on LS: When your SO says things you don't want to hear -- believe them!

 

 

If you want to get married & he doesn't, you have to figure out how much it means to you. Deal or walk. There is no middle ground.

[MissBee]

Best thing I ever read on LS: When your SO says things you don't want to hear -- believe them!

 

 

If you want to get married & he doesn't, you have to figure out how much it means to you. Deal or walk. There is no middle ground.

 

Ditto, especially when you're older, you don't have the luxury of waiting around to see if a man will change his mind and all that kind of thing. If he doesn't want what you want, then if you really want kids, family, marriage and are 37, you should walk like yesterday!

 

I'm in my twenties and am looking towards finding a life partner so am pretty explicit about that when considering someone for serious dating. At this stage I wouldn't really get into a serious relationship without first figuring out what the guy is hoping for...if he isn't interested in marriage or having kids then we don't have any business seeing each other seriously.

 

So I think you just have to decide what's most important, being with him and perhaps being resentful or moving on because he can't give you what you need. I know it's not an easy decision but you just have to be honest with yourself about what you can and can't live with and what's worth it

[Arieswoman]

frazzled12,

It seems that you have reached an impasse in your relationship.

 

If you both disagree on such a fundamental issue then there can be no compromise.

 

There is nothing wrong with wanting to get married. If you both don't have the same plans for the future then you need to move on.

 

I'm sorry.

 

Good luck x

[StalwartMind]

Lots of warm thoughts and I agree with all wonderful things said so far. It really creates a lot of pressure when your biological clock is ticking. Even more so when you find out that your partner does not share the same desire to have a children. Typically when you are pretty mature of age, you would think someone knows what they want and don't want from life, granted like in Rainbowlove's case, it's possible to change your mind.

 

It's really unfortunate that you didn't find this out when you started seeing him, but no good comes from looking in the rear mirror and ponder one's past decisions. Just to echo what has been said, you need to decide what is the most important to you. Staying with this otherwise wonderful man and live a life with possibly no children, or consider the option to once again go back into the pond and look for a frog you can turn into a real prince.

 

In the end you should choose whatever would make you the most happy, even if that means letting go of someone great. It's hard to be angry with someone whom wants something else, as we are all in our every right to live life as we please. That however does not lessen the sting when the choice of someone else affects us deeply.

[newmoon]

yeah, not sure the wisdom is from LS, but the adage of "believe what a man tells you" is very true. if he doesn't want it, he doesn't want it. don't read more into it, don't wait around for a change of heart. suck it up as experience and move on to someone else who can offer what you need. he told you his answer and you'll only waste more time w/him if you hope for more.

[CarrieT]

Break up now and move on.

 

He told you he doesn't see the same type of future that you want.

[bachdude]

Please no harsh or judgmental words...We are both older. He is 37 and I am 39. I was married many years ago to a man I thought I would spend the rest of my life with. I divorced him because he was physically abusive to me and although I suggested we seek help together, he refused leaving me no other choice but to end the marriage. We never had children. At 30 I started my life again as a single woman, not knowing where to start with the dating pool. I took time by myself to heal and started dating at 32. I met a lot of frogs until I finally met the wonderful man that I have been dating today. We have been together since I was 36. I basically told him that I want to move forward with our relationship and start a family soon. We don't yet live together, we have our own separate apartments. He told me that he is uncertain and doesn't think he can give me those things. This broke my heart, it was a shocking answer. Now I am faced with a dilemma since I have no time to waste. I have since pulled away from the relationship to get my thoughts on straight.

 

I think a lot of the comments so far have been unnecessarily negative and black and white.

 

First, you've been dating for only a year and the whole talk of marriage and family may have felt a bit soon for him - both all at once. It may have overwhelmed him.

 

Give him time to think about it. You laid on him getting married and having kids all at once!

 

And he said he is uncertain - he didn't give a flat out no, correct?

 

I think many on this forum give up too fast. I'm not saying wait indefinitely, but why not sit down and have a heart to heart talk? Maybe just start with whether or not he wants children - find out his reasons. Try to be really understanding, patient, and listen to him. Keep it more in the abstract - not specific to the two of you having children.

 

Share why you'd like children, what is means to you. Find out what are his fears, his concerns. That may give you a starting point to talk through them. Maybe he is insecure about being a good Dad, maybe he is concerned about money, maybe he had a difficult childhood and he doesn't know what a good family should look like, etc, etc. I have no idea and it sounds like neither do you! Find out!

 

I wouldn't just run the other way. Now is the time to talk - good heart to heart talks! Maybe he will come around! My gosh, what do you have to lose?

Edited December 7, 2014 by bachdude

[angel.eyes]

I went back and read your past threads. This is not a new problem. Eighteen months ago, you wanted to live together. He balked. You still aren't living together, and he's still unsure. Ambivalent about progressing things at three years? At some point, you're going to have to accept that he isn't going to give you what you want...marriage.

 

It's hard to let go when you have feelings for the person, but it will only be more painful the longer you delay things.

[me85]

And you do?? Walk.

[Mr. Lucky]

We don't yet live together, we have our own separate apartments.

 

How can you contemplate marriage with someone that doesn't want to live with you? Square peg, round hole. The question is how long you'll waste trying to pound it in...

 

Mr. Lucky

[SoleMate]

I don't see any reason to stay....unless you're happy living this status quo for the rest of your life. Better to seek with hope, whatever the outcome, than to stay where it is hopeless. My 2c.

[juicygirl]

My heart breaks for you. You are going to have to break up with him if you want marriage and kids.

 

His 37 and a man so can afford to wait it out,unfortunately you can't. It's a shame but a deal breaker. If you stay you have to be willing to give up having children with him or different guy.

[tobrieornottobrie]

I'm sorry to hear about this, it's always difficult to have those conversations. As a previous poster has already asked, was it a flat out "no"? Or just a "not now"? There's a lot to consider and think about for both of you, maybe down the road another conversation could be had? Best of luck to you, friend.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

the brie's cheese knees

[Elle1975]

Doesn't want to live with you, doesn't want to marry you, and doesn't want to have kids with you. All the boxes are checked, time to find someone else.

 

At 39, you do not have time on your side.

[GildedLily]

Please no harsh or judgmental words...We are both older. He is 37 and I am 39. I was married many years ago to a man I thought I would spend the rest of my life with. I divorced him because he was physically abusive to me and although I suggested we seek help together, he refused leaving me no other choice but to end the marriage. We never had children. At 30 I started my life again as a single woman, not knowing where to start with the dating pool. I took time by myself to heal and started dating at 32. I met a lot of frogs until I finally met the wonderful man that I have been dating today. We have been together since I was 36. I basically told him that I want to move forward with our relationship and start a family soon. We don't yet live together, we have our own separate apartments. He told me that he is uncertain and doesn't think he can give me those things. This broke my heart, it was a shocking answer. Now I am faced with a dilemma since I have no time to waste. I have since pulled away from the relationship to get my thoughts on straight.

Oh no! You waited too long with this guy! Are you open to adoption or surrogacy? When you leave him(which you should since marriage is a deal breaker for you ) always always pre qualify the guy you are dating within the first 3 dates with these questions;

Are you looking for marriage ?

(Qualify that it's a general question, you are not asking him if he will marry you)

Tell him your timeline/ ask his

Ask him if he wants kids

 

do this as early as possible and believe what they tell you!

Doing this with the right guy will not scare him away, you have no time to waste. I did this when I met my husband at 33 we married 2.5 years later and we will be trying to conceive shortly.

[MJJean]

I think a lot of the comments so far have been unnecessarily negative and black and white.

 

First, you've been dating for only a year and the whole talk of marriage and family may have felt a bit soon for him - both all at once. It may have overwhelmed him.

 

Give him time to think about it. You laid on him getting married and having kids all at once!

 

And he said he is uncertain - he didn't give a flat out no, correct?

 

I think many on this forum give up too fast. I'm not saying wait indefinitely, but why not sit down and have a heart to heart talk? Maybe just start with whether or not he wants children - find out his reasons. Try to be really understanding, patient, and listen to him. Keep it more in the abstract - not specific to the two of you having children.

 

Share why you'd like children, what is means to you. Find out what are his fears, his concerns. That may give you a starting point to talk through them. Maybe he is insecure about being a good Dad, maybe he is concerned about money, maybe he had a difficult childhood and he doesn't know what a good family should look like, etc, etc. I have no idea and it sounds like neither do you! Find out!

 

I wouldn't just run the other way. Now is the time to talk - good heart to heart talks! Maybe he will come around! My gosh, what do you have to lose?

 

These are established adults. If the very idea of marriage and children after a year or more of being a couple is shocking or overwhelming, he's not marriage material. It's not like he's some 20-something who hasn't contemplated the very idea of marriage and family yet.

 

I think the "uncertain" phrasing was more of a gentle let down than anything.

 

Why keep it general? Is is, by it's nature, a specific thing. "Do you want to marry me and have a child or two or not?" If he does want marriage and a child, but not with the OP, then the answer is going to be "No." If he doesn't want marriage or a child with anyone then the answer doesn't change. It's still "No."

 

I do agree it might be a good idea to find out why he doesn't want to get married and have babies, but mostly so that the OP will understand why he feels the way he does and either be able to make peace with it and stay or make peace with it and go.

 

What does she have to lose? Her fertility! As women age, especially nearing 40, fertility dramatically decreases. Risks to both mother and baby during pregnancy increase. And the risk of miscarriage is much higher. A lot of women in the 35-41 age range need fertility treatments to even conceive.

 

If she wastes more time with this man wanting children might become a moot point. She needs to get out and start looking for a husband asap. It will take months or more to meet and marry. Then months/years after that trying to conceive. Then there is the birth and recovery period to get through before trying to conceive again if she wants more than one child. She's already cutting it close. Maybe even passed the point of no return.