How to deal with abusive partner?

[Tiber360]

I first met her through an MMO about six years ago. We were just on-line friends playing around. As we played together, we started talking about our lives and what we want from life. The more we talked, the closer we grew. The more I heard about her partner, the more concerned I grew. I was seeing a lot of the signs of emotional abuse. This included:

Calling her names, insulting her and continually criticizing her

Refusing to trust her and acting jealous or possessive

Trying to isolate her from family or friends

Monitoring where she went and who she talked to.

 

It was five or six months in when things turned sexual. We moved from in-game to phone calls and web-cam meetings. She often told me how unhappy she was, but she was afraid to leave. After nearly 18 months of talking with her, I managed to convince her to move back in with her mother. She was free of him and we were making plans to visit, or so I thought. She stopped talking to me completely, and totally out of the blue.

 

Fast forward five years of no contact. I see her character on-line for the first time in five years, even after all this time my heart is pounding. She says hi, we start talking again and she gets my e-mail. She tells me she was with Him still, she went back to him after he found out she was talking to me. The way she describes it leads me to believe she coerced back through emotional abuse.

 

"He went and told everyone we knew that I had been talking to someone with... I was shamed and looked at differently. I was embarrassed. He did an excellent job at making me feel ashamed for what I had done. He broke me down. I was called selfish and told I was not thinking of our family and [daughter]"

 

"The ... reason I decided to stay with him is that he has informed me many times before that if we didn't make it, he would be done with relationships. He had also been suicidal for many years. I was not prepared to be the reason someone would never try to love again or even end their life."

 

"Am I satisfied in the relationship? No. Am I scared to leave? Yes."

 

Those are excerpts from the e-mails she has sent me recently. I still care for her greatly and believe she feels the same for me (she has said it). What can I do to help her?

 

I apologize if this is the wrong forum, I am new here.

[whichwayisup]

FIVE years of no contact, you haven't moved on and you still want her? Come on. This woman played you. As soon you as you mentioned about meeting face to face, she up and disappeared. She's lied and exaggerated about her marriage and abusive husband. Trust me, if he really "knew" of you, NO way would she be on the same gaming site she joined where she met you.

 

Even if she busted (the online affair exposed) she had a choice to walk away. Instead she earned back her husband's trust, and continued on with him. Ask her if they have another child.

 

Sorry to be blunt, but you were played.

[Rainbowlove]

After nearly 18 months of talking with her, I managed to convince her to move back in with her mother. She was free of him and we were making plans to visit, or so I thought. She stopped talking to me completely, and totally out of the blue.

 

I agree with Witchwayusup. You definitely got toyed with.

 

You didn't ever convince her to move back in with her mother, clearly.

 

If any of what she is saying is true, it's not your job to save her. It's her job to save herself.

 

Step away from the games!

[jellybean89]

She does have choices..and her choice was to stay with him. She sounds cowardly.

[whichwayisup]

"He went and told everyone we knew that I had been talking to someone with... I was shamed and looked at differently. I was embarrassed. He did an excellent job at making me feel ashamed for what I had done. He broke me down. I was called selfish and told I was not thinking of our family and [daughter]"

 

This actually is what many BS's (betrayed spouse) do when there's a d day (discovery day of the affair), they expose the affair to their families.

 

You never actually 'met' her in person so even though I do believe you fell for her deeply and invested a lot into her, you could never verify if what she told you was ever really true. All you have is her word to go by and that's not much seeing as she is married woman with kids. She did have an appropriate friendship with you.

[blondie51]

She may be in a very emotionally abusive relationship. They are very hard to break free from. You get beat down so much, you begin to believe you're worthless. You obviously saw each other on web cams, so fear of meeting in person could have been she felt like she would be "really cheating" . Some people dont consider it sexually cheating unless physical contact with each other. I would tell her to seek therapy and find out why she would stay in such an abusive relationship. Especially for her daughter's sake.

[Poppy47]

She's a grown up. It's no news that women are no longer chained to the bed post today. She has choices.

 

If she stayed with him, then it's her problem. The woman sounds like she either has no back bone to hold her up, or she's just lying to you.

 

5 years NC and she can still reel you in??? You really need to get some counselling and get right away from this toxic woman. She will drag you right down with her.

[Versailles]

While I generally agree with the rest who are telling you to be careful and move on and not get played, I also want to share with you a different perspective from what this woman may be feeling as she sounds a little like me from what you have described.

 

It may be that since there is nothing concrete for her to move on to, she chooses to stay in a reality that she knows. For me, H is emotionally abusive and has cheated on me many times, but I choose to stay on because there is nothing else I know.... I've got to the stage for some years now where I feel absolutely nothing for him so there is nothing he can do to hurt me now... A kind of comfort zone i guess? So ironically I am no longer unhappy (just feeling very neutral) in the marriage (I used to be very unhappy when I still loved him and anything he did to hurt me caused me a lot of pain...). So, since I am not particularly unhappy with the status quo and I don't think I would feel any happier leaving him, why upset my family and friends when no one gains anything if I leave him? (FYI everyone thinks our marriage is going well as I've never mentioned being unhappy to anyone that I know in real life).

 

There was once I tried to leave him but I stupidly stayed after persuasion by his mother.... That he would be a broken man if I left him, that I was the only one who could keep his anger management issues in check, etc, all of which involved me pitying what could happen to him if I left and I stayed... Out of concern for his well being.... It only occurred to me much later on hindsight that none of them cared about MY well being.

 

Anyway, the point is... I stayed against all reason. Now, if I could find somebody whom I loved and who loved me back and wanted to be with me no matter what, I would drop the marriage and give myself a second chance with someone else.

 

So who knows? Maybe this woman you are mentioning is like me and just waiting for the correct second chance to knock on the door. The question is, do you like her enough to want to be the one to knock on the door and take all the fallout and potential happiness that could happen from the opening of that door? (assuming that she is genuine and will not just try to use you)