Bf says he loves me but isn't "in love" with me....what's the difference?

[dreaming4ever]

After being together for a year and a half, my bf decides to tell me that while he loves me a lot and wants to be with me and be my best friend forever, he's not "in love" with me.....6 years ago we dated and he was "in love" with me but at that time I broke up with him and later went out with another guy b/c it just wasn't working out for me....and now my bf tells me that since I left him 6 years ago he hasn't been able to have that "in love" feeling again b/c he was so crushed. Does this make sense? We only dated for a month and a half back then!! I don't get it...

 

I don't even know if I should stay with him if he's not "in love" with me.....especially since I am with him. Isn't that kind of important? I think it is. It makes me understand why he doesn't look at me the same way he did 6 years ago and it makes me see why he doesn't treat me the same. I don't know....what do you guys think? He says he's tried to be "in love" with me again but he's just not feeling it and he doesn't know why and he doesn't want to break up or anything b/c he's happy with me....but is it fair for me to be with someone who isn't in love with me?

 

Now that I think about this I'm becoming more and more unsure about the difference between being "in love" with someone and just loving them a lot. I thought being "in love" with someone was when they're your first thought when you wake up and your last at night, when you would do anything to be with them all the time, when you smile just thinking about them, when your pulse races when you're with them and when you're really happy just to be with them.....but isn't that infatuation? Doesn't that go away at some point to some extent? I'm confused.....please enlighten me if you know the answers to my questions...

[LucreziaBorgia]

When someone says "I love you but I'm not in love with you", nine times out of ten, it means its the beginning of the end. It means he cares about you as a person, but is reaching the point where he no longer wants to be in the relationship.

 

"In love" = the first blush of love, the infatuated feeling, the hot sexual 'want', the excitement, the anticipation of being with the person, the nervousness of being with someone new - basically that stage you go through where the other person is highly idealized and is less of an actual person and is more the person that you want them to be based on your love and desire for them.

 

When the above wears off, and the person gets to really know who you are, rather than just knowing you for who they want you to be - one of two things happens. They either begin to really love you - meaning, when the 'in love' fades, they find that they enjoy your company as a person and want to be with you. ... or, it kills the relationship. Whether or not it kills the relationship is entirely dependent on how much they find they like you as a person and enjoy your company outside of that 'in love' feeling. If it turns out that once the 'in love' fades, and they find that they don't really enjoy you as much as they enjoyed that idealized version of you that was created out of being 'in love', they break off the relationship.

 

They probably want to still talk to you and enjoy your company, but it would not be in the context of a relationship with you. It would be more like 'friends'. "Friends" is what is left when the "in love" fades, and the "love" is still there, but what's left isn't enough to sustain a relationship. Then they will go and search out that "in love" feeling again with someone else in hopes of finding a greater amount of "love" when that "in love" feeling fades.

 

If the "in love" fades, and the "love" drops to zero - then even "friends" isn't possible. In fact, if the "love" drops to zero and the other person is still pushing to get the relationship going again, it will surpass the "I don't want to be friends" and go right into the "I hate you, leave me alone" stage.

 

It sounds like he is at the point where there is just enough "love" left where he still wants you in his life, but not enough to where he wants you in his life as his partner.

 

"In love" is based on infatuation mainly, and "love" is a sliding scale based on how much you actually like the person and want to be with them outside of that "in love" feeling.

 

Some people get really addicted to that emotional rush of being "in love", just as some people get addicted to substances. Once the brain floods with those hormones and chemicals - it can be irresistible, and the person will be on an endless quest for that "high" - even if it means breaking a lot of hearts on the way. This is pretty rare though - not every person who goes through this is an addict to it no more than every person who drinks a beer is an alcoholic.

 

In most cases, and in this one it sounds like, its just a matter of that sad and inescapable fading of "in love", and not enough "love" left to keep it going as a relationship.

[prisoner]

take it from an expert. it is guilt. he is trying to console you with cryptic cookie fortune wisdom.

 

love is a behaviour. a verb. an action. is he holding your hand? is he looking right at you?

 

if something happened would you go to him right now?

 

see, six years is a long time and what he liked about you and wanted then is differenet from what he wants now. what you have to do is get hiom to tell you exactly what is going on instead of giving you a line from a TOm Cruise movie and hoping that you will see it his Hollywood way and that will be that.

 

do not let him off the hook. break down that wall he is putting between you by confronting him for an explanation.

 

Men think they can get away with mysterious and cool. not with lines like that. do not be afraid, either. his truths may clarify your true feelings.

[dreaming4ever]

LucreziaBorgia,

Your explanation clears things up a little but it doesn't make entire sense. There's some married people that have been together for 25 years and say they're still in love with each other....how do you explain them?

 

And also, my bf never said he wanted to break up or suggest anything like that. He asked me to please not hate him because I'm in love with him and he loves and cares for me a lot....he says it's not his fault, that's he's tried, he just doesn't know where that feeling went. How do I know he doesn't want to break up? He's planning things well in the future for us......he talks about us as if we're going to get married...he does all this without me saying it first. We talked a lot the night he told me he loves me but isn't in love with me and he told me that doesn't mean he wants to break up.....he actually kept saying things to convince me NOT to....so....maybe you misread something I said but he doesn't want to break up with me....

[dreaming4ever]

prisoner,

Yes he holds my hand and looks me in the eye and yes I would go to him right now if something happened. I don't understand what you mean about asking him what's really going on? He doesn't have the "in love" feeling yet he still wants to be with me is what's going on....isn't it? I'm confused....your explanation/answer is a bit enigmatic. Please explain.

[laRubiaBonita]

I do not understand~ why would he tell you this unless he wanted to hurt you? or cause a break between you?

[dreaming4ever]

laRubiaBonita,

He told me this because we were talking about the past....and he kinda slipped and said "I was SO in love with you back then" and so I said, "And you're not now?" and that's when the whole discussion started....and he was honest. He didn't say it because he wanted to break up but he said he thought I should know the truth. It DID hurt a lot to hear this....and I cried...and then he looked like he was going to cry b/c he said it hurt him a lot to see me cry and that he never wants to hurt me.

[laRubiaBonita]

ooooohhh- ok.

 

a problem for couples that have a past, is sometimes one or both partners still expect to feel EXACTLY the same emotions that they did in the beginning. maybe you two were on cloud 9 six yrs ago. but after some growth, a better understanding of commitment and each other, you can only get to cloud six now.

 

love evolves as the relationship and the people evovle. The thing is to realize that these new feelings are not wrong or bad, but new and different.

 

people fall in Love with the feeling of being in love, and want to feel love that strongly always...... but love is a sneeky emotions that can mimick other feelings and seem not as strong.

 

The key is to recognize love and embrace the chnages.

[Hund1976]

I would say that means that he still cares about you but he has lost a lot of the spark or chemistry.

[LucreziaBorgia]

Originally posted by dreaming4ever

LucreziaBorgia,

Your explanation clears things up a little but it doesn't make entire sense. There's some married people that have been together for 25 years and say they're still in love with each other....how do you explain them?

 

I've been married for a while now, and I'm in love with Mr. B, and he with me. Am I in love with him every single day? Is he "in love" with me every single day? No! There's some days where we are not 'in love' with each other. There are some rare days where we get angry or frustrated with each other, and feel anything but being "in love" - but because we have a base of solid 'love', it doesn't affect the relationship overall. We have a whole lot more going for us than just the "in love" stuff. Its nice, but it isn't all of what we have.

 

The amount that someone is "In love" fluctuates in every long term relationship. Most people will not be 100% "in love" 24/7/365. That base of what you have outside of that "in love" is what keeps you together - not that romantic idealistic "in love" stuff.

 

He told me this because we were talking about the past....and he kinda slipped and said "I was SO in love with you back then" and so I said, "And you're not now?" and that's when the whole discussion started....and he was honest. He didn't say it because he wanted to break up but he said he thought I should know the truth.

 

You asked, and he was honest. You can't ask for much more in a relationship - the more someone is willing to be honest with you about stuff like this, the greater chance you have at making it in the long term. A person will stay with you, only in the amount in which you allow them to be themselves and allow them to express and share their honest emotions with you: even the ones you don't want to hear.

 

 

maybe you misread something

 

From your first post I only saw what you presented: that your boyfriend told you he wasn't in love with you. It is very typical for someone at the end stages of 'falling out of love' to want to hold on to a relationship out of nostalgia, guilt or whatever. He may have said he didn't want to break up, but a lot of people say that - just before they say "I"ve been thinking about it, and I think we should be 'just friends'."

 

After reading your other posts though and reading how he is planning a future with you, it was pretty apparent that he only told you this not because he was looking for a way out, but simply because you asked.

 

It sounds a lot more hopeful, after reading your other posts.

[prisoner]

it depends on what you want. not now. not next year. ten years. twenty years from now.

 

do you want a marriage that is based on one thing? two things? or a myriad of emotions?

 

do you think love is something that you have to try rto do or it just happens? do you believe that the lightning bolt exists or do you think that if you work and try really hard then love will come and stay?

 

do you want to be in love? with someone at the same time? are you in love? are you sure?

 

he must have some explkanation as to why he thinks he has to trry and be in love with you. why can't he just know? what is stopping him from seeing yoiu one way and not the other? is it about what he needs? is it about what he wants? when i ask 'what is really going on'...

 

it means that there is something unusual about having 'the talk' finding out that someone is not 'in love' with you and thinking that has something to do with breaking up. doesn't it have more to do with how he feels?

 

look what is the difference? to you, i mean.

 

to me 'in love' is making cookies instead of buying them. hearing them is as good as smelling them. they can order breakfast when you are not available to do so. it is of course telling the truth all of the time. not making comments that will drive someone to endless meta physical questions instead of more love and oh yeah:

 

one thing 'in love' is that 'love' can never be: personal.

 

love is on greeting cards. love is in song titles. in love is your being about something else that is being about you. oh and there is no past tense to 'in love'.

 

just be careful. you deserve more than convenience. you deserve rapture. six point two billion people on the planet and there should be some rapture. that is all i am saying.

[Mr Spock]

Simplified it means

 

"I like you, just not enough"

 

 

He doesn't HATE you, or think you're awful he just has got to know you better and realizes that you aren't the one for him.