Struggling with low self esteem even after achieving goal weight

[artsygirl78]

Has anybody else gone through this? After being really heavy for many years, and getting out of an intense, complicated LTR six months ago, I put all of my energy into taking care of myself, and felt ready to get back out there and date. I signed up for some online dating sites, and have been getting a lot of views and likes, but when men ask me out - I chicken out. I am really struggling.

Despite all of my hard work, I am finding myself stopping short of going out on dates because I feel crippled with low self esteem. When I was heavier, I thought it was my weight keeping me from getting out there. My ex was extremely attracted to me just the way I was but he was attracted to heavier women. Now that I am thinner and in better shape than I have been in years, I find myself gripped with the fear that even being close to my "best", I am still not going to be good enough. Part of the issue I am facing is that I am never going to be a small woman. I am hour glass shaped (my waist is 10 inches smaller than my hips and I am full chested) but I will always be stocky. I am 5' 5" and a US size 12 - the smallest I can get, if I push REALLY hard in the gym and eat clean, is a size 10. I will always have a broad back and I am already pretty muscular without lifting heavy. My pictures online are honest, and I say that I am curvy, but the thought of seeing someone's disappointment upon meeting me just feels so painful, I get frozen and can't move forward. It is just so weird - I have had exes come out of the woodwork to tell me I was the sexiest woman they ever dated, or I was the beautiful woman that "got away", or now hitched college friends admitting they have a crush on me, and I was this dress size when they knew/dated me. And yet just a week ago I had to deal with two obnoxious 25 year olds make fun of me as the "fat American" in my language class. It was absolutely humiliating.

 

Being older and living in a foreign country now, I don't know how to meet available men in person. I feel like I can't get a sense of whether I am being too tough on myself, or I need to make peace with the fact that I am not going to be considered dating material by most men because I am big boned, even if I work out tons and am really healthy. I am interested to hear if anyone has gone through this sort of struggle when they make it to the "after" picture of huge weight loss. Any advice is welcome too.

[StalwartMind]

I understand your concern and while it's great a man does not mind a woman on the larger side, it can always be a problem if it's purely because of a sexual preference. Typically you would want a man to value you for whom you are and not for how you look.

 

It can be hard to deal with insults, such as the one you experienced in language class, but at the same time you can't let that get to you too much. Those words come from people whom are incredibly ignorant and of very little brain capacity.

 

None of us decide how we are build or look from birth, it's a genetic lottery. Despite that most people seem to be of the opinion that, it's of great importance. You want to be looking for someone whom you feel comfortable with, perhaps try to establish a connection with a man before you even go on a date with him. You should be able to get a pretty good feel, like you've also mentioned, and if it feels right then try it. There will always be disappointments even if something appears good, but eventually you'll very much meet someone whom is right for you.

 

All the best to you, and while I couldn't offer any direct help with weight loss/goal, I hope someone else can as you deserve as much a chance to be happy as anyone else.

[anika99]

One of the best things about people is that there are so many varied tastes and preferences. Not every man wants the tall blond skinny Barbie doll. If a man is asking you out then that's a good sign that he finds your particular look appealing. If you have a curvy full figure then you should bask in that and enjoy the compliments you receive but at the same time you need to realize that you are not going to be every mans cup of tea. So who cares if a couple of young arrogant jerks think you're fat. Maybe to them you do look fat but you're not wanting to date them right? So who cares?

 

 

Also you may want to look into some sort of self esteem building activities or some counselling to help you get over your low self esteem. As you said losing the weight didn't really fix your esteem issues so maybe you need some help with that.