Got rejected today in a subtle but distinct manner

[Teknoe]

And it sucks. I'm reeling a wee bit, as rejection is never fun. It wasn't a full-on rejection, but it does sting.

 

So the gist of it is, I have developed a crush on a coworker. Let's call her J.

 

J has been teasing me at work a lot. It's almost flirty. She also told me recently that she's single. I thought it was all systems go. So I decided to put a feeler out there.

 

I emailed her and asked her to text me. She never responded and she never texted me. I saw her today and asked her if she got my email. She said yes, but why text when I can call her on the work phone? Plus she said something about how she is a "professional" and she doesn't carry her cell phone around with her at work.

 

Basically, she's had my number for 24 hours now, and has not texted me.

 

And I know if she liked me romantically AT ALL, she would have texted me last night the moment she saw my email.

 

Even just to say "sup?"

 

So I have my answer.

Thankfully, now I know I can "back off" of this fantasy, and readjust my expectations. Also, I can play it off since it's not like I asked her out on a date or anything. She can think that I like her all she wants, but I didn't do anything as to really let her know, "hey, I like you without a shadow of a doubt." Guys ask girls for their number all the time, and it's not always with romance in mind.

 

At least I have that going for me.

 

At any rate, it does suck.

 

Oh, and friendly tip, don't hit the grocery store after a rejection. I picked up some ice cream, some sour Lifesavers gummi, a bag of Spicy Street Taco Doritos, Family Size Cheez-It, some hot dogs, frozen pizza, tropicall punch and Reese's Dreyers ice cream. That's gonna be my week's worth of coping/pity/comfort food, haha. Sigh.

 

Damn, all this time I really thought she was digging me too. The constant teasing. She even rubbed my shoulder not 2 weeks ago. She's always smiling at me, laughing at my stupid cheap corny jokes. Told me she was single just 4 days ago. She also seems to light up when I'm around, and we've developed quickly, in 3 months, a work rapport that goes beyond "formal colleagues."

 

What a mind trip. I will never ever figure out women. Never. Ever. Ever.

[D.Mc.]

Hi Teknoe,

 

 

This may not help, but somewhere, sometime (ok right at this moment from this keyboard) there's a woman thinking she will never understand men...ever :-)

[Arieswoman]

Hi Teknoe,

You should be glad about this. Yes, seriously. It's far better to be blown out before things got started than to invest time and effort into the wrong person, and then get rejected.

 

You know where you stand, so move on.

 

Yes it does hurt, and it will continue to hurt each time it happens, but eventually you'll see it as no big deal.

 

Dating is a numbers game. Every time you get rejected the odds are getting smaller that you'll be rejected next time.

 

Stick with it.

 

Good luck x

[Teknoe]

Hi Teknoe,

You should be glad about this. Yes, seriously. It's far better to be blown out before things got started than to invest time and effort into the wrong person, and then get rejected.

 

You know where you stand, so move on.

 

Yes it does hurt, and it will continue to hurt each time it happens, but eventually you'll see it as no big deal.

 

Dating is a numbers game. Every time you get rejected the odds are getting smaller that you'll be rejected next time.

 

Stick with it.

 

Good luck x

 

Thanks. That's true. That's a way of looking at things.

 

I think what hurts, since I didn't get a chance to fall hard for this one, was how "harsh" and blunt she was about it. I thought at the least, we were good friends. Why wouldn't she give me her cell phone number? Perhaps I worded it wrongly, but it just hurt that she never reciprocated on such a simple manner.

 

Then again, I probably should have asked for her number versus offering mine and asking her to text me when she could. She might have been confused why I wanted to text her.

 

At any rate, no point dwelling on it now. Just gotta move on and act natural/normal on Monday!

[Molly Hooper]

Yes. This is a classic "nice girl" rejection. She isn't a bitch - she just isn't interested and hasn't mastered the art or confidence of shutting anyone down.

 

Hey - it's all good! It's no different than her very directly saying "no" - and now you know.

 

Now you can focus elsewhere.

[Danda]

Wait though, what did you say when she asked you why you wanted her to text you, instead of you calling her on the work phone? What reason did you give?

 

My brain tends to go into devil's advocate mode by default as like, phase one of contemplation. And with that said:

 

Her question is legitimate.

 

That you two are coworkers means that you asking to text doesn't obviously mean that you're going to ask her out, especially if you hadn't been flirting right back at her lately.

 

It could very well mean that you need to discuss something off company record / in private that has nothing to do with romance.

 

But what you said in response to her question I think would be critical, as well as how she responded to your answer.

[the tank]

Why you write her an email instead of calling her ?

[JuneJulySeptember]

And it sucks. I'm reeling a wee bit, as rejection is never fun. It wasn't a full-on rejection, but it does sting.

 

Damn, all this time I really thought she was digging me too. The constant teasing. She even rubbed my shoulder not 2 weeks ago. She's always smiling at me, laughing at my stupid cheap corny jokes. Told me she was single just 4 days ago. She also seems to light up when I'm around, and we've developed quickly, in 3 months, a work rapport that goes beyond "formal colleagues."

 

Yep, been there for sure.

 

Women should never really flirt with guys they have no interest in, but they do from time to time. Some women just have flirty personalities and well, people do what they want to do.

 

Good job for playing it the right though. It will blow over much sooner.

 

Sorry about the rejection.

 

I would also like your post to re-iterate it is impossible to read women and you just take your shots where you intelligently feel your chances are best.

[elaine567]

So what did you put on the text and email?

Did you actually ask her out? No.

 

Why would she text you if you saw her today anyway?

 

You know each other well, so ask just her out, stop messing about with phones, she can only say no.

Playing games and then assuming stuff gets you nowhere.

[Eternal Sunshine]

Women and men that are extroverted often like to chat/laugh a lot without a romantic intention. Introverts often misread it because they generally act that way only when they are into someone.

 

The truth is, if she was interested at all, she would have texted you. Trust me on that one.

Edited December 6, 2014 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[Art_Critic]

next time call her, sending and email asking her to to text you... that isn't very conversational and certainly isn't a gauge for interest...

 

She certainly rejected you because of the way you went about it.. would she go out if you CALLED her on the phone and used SPOKEN words rather than an empty text, you would only know that if you tried it..

 

I think you should see how she is around you again and if nothing changes then just ask her out.. and next time knock off the cryptic emails asking people to text you and as it turns out texting you from a phone she doesn't have with her.

[E-Squared]

Women and men that are extroverted often like to chat/laugh a lot without a romantic intention. Introverts often misread it because they generally act that way only when they are into someone.

 

The truth is, if she was interested at all, she would have texted you. Trust me on that one.

 

Or maybe this girl was a tease? It seemed like it to me.

[insert_name]

On the positive side, at least you tried and you know, that is still better than not making the effort at all and carrying on with this flirty relationship never knowing if there was more to it and then regretting never having made a move later on down the line

[kolleamm]

We'll at least you have another learning experience. The more you have and of different variety the greater your chances will be of finding the right person.

[MidwestUSA]

What a roundabout way of trying to get someone to text you! Good lord. It did nothing to show that you were actually interested in her.

 

And your only expectation was a 'sup?'?

 

Do you know how to be direct? Or do you enjoy the friendzone?

[Danda]

Something just seems off. She told you she was single. That's rather forward if she just mentioned that out of nowhere. If that was combined with being flirty, and the two of you are not friends outside of work, then I think it really was a green light.

 

I've attempted to flirt with guys before, and never was I brave enough to be so bold as to just spit out, "Oh and also, I'm single," because that would have been so awkwardly forward that the resulting rejection would have been painfully awkward, as well.

 

Either she is a total tease type, or you are fumbling this big time by not just asking her out. You have to keep in mind that you did not ask her out.

 

If I flirted with a guy and was that flipping forward and he didn't even flirt back at all, let alone ask me out, I would assume he's not interested.

 

I also get the impression from her response that when you emailed her saying to text you, she took it as you meant for her to text you right then. That's probably why she was like why didn't you just pick up the work phone and call me.

 

And then you call her a "mind trip" lol. I think someone is tripping but it's not her.

 

Don't throw in the towel yet, OP.

[E-Squared]

Something just seems off. She told you she was single. That's rather forward if she just mentioned that out of nowhere. If that was combined with being flirty, and the two of you are not friends outside of work, then I think it really was a green light.

 

I've attempted to flirt with guys before, and never was I brave enough to be so bold as to just spit out, "Oh and also, I'm single," because that would have been so awkwardly forward that the resulting rejection would have been painfully awkward, as well.

 

Either she is a total tease type, or you are fumbling this big time by not just asking her out. You have to keep in mind that you did not ask her out.

 

If I flirted with a guy and was that flipping forward and he didn't even flirt back at all, let alone ask me out, I would assume he's not interested.

 

I also get the impression from her response that when you emailed her saying to text you, she took it as you meant for her to text you right then. That's probably why she was like why didn't you just pick up the work phone and call me.

 

And then you call her a "mind trip" lol. I think someone is tripping but it's not her.

 

Don't throw in the towel yet, OP.

 

Whoa whoa whoa hold up. Are you telling him that he waited too long to ask her out? First off, some guys would rather test the waters to see what is up and if a spark is probably there. However, he should have probably asked her out sooner?

 

I don't understand women sometimes. If a guy is too forward initially, he is pushy, but if he takes time, he isn't interested? I don't get that.

[elaine567]

You have to keep in mind that you did not ask her out.

 

This ^^^^

[Danda]

Whoa whoa whoa hold up. Are you telling him that he waited too long to ask her out? First off, some guys would rather test the waters to see what is up and if a spark is probably there. However, he should have probably asked her out sooner?

 

I don't understand women sometimes. If a guy is too forward initially, he is pushy, but if he takes time, he isn't interested? I don't get that.

 

Lol NO. I said the exact opposite and told him to not throw in the towel yet. He could still ask her out. Why the hell not?

 

1. He doesn't need to test the waters. She told him randomly that she is single and has been flirting with him. Unless she is a mean tease (which is possible, unfortunately, but not the default reality), then she is splashing the water in his face.

 

2. Yes he probably should have, but that doesn't mean he's flat out blown it. He's being extremely cautious and didn't even actually ask her out, after she was very forward.

 

3. Too forward initially? He didn't even mention flirting back with her at all. >_> It's one thing to be cautious. It's another to play dead.

 

4. Taking your time when a woman is that forward with you, by not showing any obvious mutual interest, is stupid, yes, if you actually want to hook with the girl (date or sex or whatever).

 

Just reverse the genders so you can see that this isn't a matter of picking on guys, but it's just a courting thing in general:

 

A male coworker flirts with a female coworker. He randomly mentions that he is single to her. She doesn't flirt with him back at all and instead decides to wait days or weeks to give an extremely vague reaction that could be totally misinterpreted.

 

I would be telling her the same stuff. Flirt back or something already, damn. lol

[travelbug1996]

On the positive side, at least you tried and you know, that is still better than not making the effort at all and carrying on with this flirty relationship never knowing if there was more to it and then regretting never having made a move later on down the line

 

 

What effort?? Therefore, what rejection?

 

Op I think you're being a bit sensitive to a "perceived" rejection. You were very indirect. I have never heard of a man sending an email to ask ME to text him. This sounds very immature and if she is a woman, she is looking for a confident assertive man. Please don't be passive about women because that is a major turn off.

 

Be direct.

Ask her if she would like to go out with you sometimes. If she say no, then that's rejection.

 

Man up buddy.

[Teknoe]

To clarify:

 

we're both teachers, and she teaches a higher grade than I do. Our students are reading buddies.

 

So Thursdays in the afternoon I come to her room with my students.

 

I emailed her Thur. morning on her work email (don't have her personal email or cell number) telling her to text me before reading buddies.

 

I didn't state a reason why; I guess I wanted to be somewhat mysterious. Perhaps I got too cute, though. I should have just asked her

 

"Hey, in case I ever need to get a quick direct hold of you, what is your cell phone number? Mine is ____."

 

Instead, admittedly I probably out-thought myself and got too cute/cryptic.

 

She later said she didn't see the email until Thursday night when I asked her Friday after school was over.

 

I threw out there, "Oh, well, text me sometime anyway. I can text you if there's a change or whatever in reading buddies."

 

She followed up, "I don't always have my phone on me. Why not use the work phone?"

 

I joked with her, "Oh, you are useless, haha."

 

She laughed, and expressing exaggerated goofy shock, goes "Hey, I'm trying to be a professional. I don't have time to look at my cell phone during work."

 

And then, she said this... I probably should have shared this earlier, but I was afraid to go in-depth in case she browses these boards. But I guess I'll just take that risk. What are the odds, right?

 

She actually asked me this:

 

"What are you trying to do, friend?"

 

I can't remember what I said exactly, as it completely threw me off guard. It put me in an awkward situation and I felt like she had all the power.

 

She seemed to emphasize FRIEND as well. Now, a girl who likes a guy would never call him friend during the chasing phase of the relationship. NEVER.

 

I think I said something like "It's just nice being able to communicate last second via text."

 

It was awkward needless to say. I made it harder on myself by not directly asking for her cell, and she made it harder on me by not just giving it to me. At the very least, I consider us to be friends. I'm not sure why she's holding onto her cell phone so guardedly other than I asked her in a weird-ish way (at the time I thought it was mysterious, assertive and a bit slick. In hindsight I can see I got a little too cute).

 

At any rate, "What are you trying to do, friend?" tells me everything I need to know. That plus it's now Saturday late afternoon and she still hasn't texted me. She's had my cell since Thursday night now.

 

If she liked me AT ALL, she would be making this a lot easier. Surely by now she would have sent something along the lines of

 

"Hey Tek, it's J. Now you have my cell"

 

or

 

"It's J. As requested"

 

or

 

"It's J. Glad it's the weekend! What you up to?"

 

SOMETHING.

 

Anything.

 

So I won't try again. it'll just be work back to normal. Still joke a bit, because I want to act natural, but definitely cut back and be a little more professional.

 

Anyway, lesson learned.

 

I don't think she liked me that way anyway, because if she did, even with how I asked for her cell, if she liked me at all, she would have taken the bait.

 

Oh well, I can chalk this up to experience and:

 

1. be more direct in the future

2. look outside of work

 

BTW, I have a 2nd date with a girl tomorrow. I'm not feeling her, but I'm giving her a 2nd and last chance. She seems really high on me. I wish I found I had more chemistry with her. She feels like the friend I would never be intimate with.

 

Life goes on.

 

Thanks for all your feedback.

[JuneJulySeptember]

Thanks for the story man.

 

I love to listen to stories like this because it tells me I don't go through these things alone. And I do have experience getting rejected by women at the workplace.

 

And I have also 'changed the facts' of my stories a bit to ensure that women who have rejected me aren't reading and picking up on it. Lol.

 

Played the game the right way, and you should come away unscathed for the most part.

 

I might ask her to do you a solid and not tell anybody at work. If it got out, it might be embarrassing, and if your principal was a real d@uche, you might even get a lecture about it.

[travelbug1996]

If she's anything like me I NEVER date people I work with since it would be just too awkward.

 

Maybe that's what she meant about being professional.

[elaine567]

She perhaps emphasised "friend" as in she was teasing you, she maybe knew perfectly well why you wanted her number, but just wanted to hear you say it.

 

You still haven't asked her out, nothing there says to me she was blowing you out of the water.

[Imajerk17]

Teknoe I like you but MAN...

 

You really need to be more direct and less cute. Sending an email asking her to text you, talk about convoluted, I couldn't see what you were trying to do either. And then when she asked you what you were trying to do, you wimped out!

 

When you talk to her next tell her you want to take her out. I think it would have been better if you could have suggested hanging out when you and she were bantering--you could've gauged her reaction without things getting too awkward, but Pandora's Box is now open. If she liked you before she probably will still like you. Good luck!

Edited December 6, 2014 by Imajerk17