Got rejected today in a subtle but distinct manner

[Phoe]

I will personally say if you'd done this to me, I wouldn't have a clue you were interested. I would've thought you just wanted to discuss something work related before we saw each other.

[JuneJulySeptember]

next time call her, sending and email asking her to to text you... that isn't very conversational and certainly isn't a gauge for interest...

 

She certainly rejected you because of the way you went about it.. would she go out if you CALLED her on the phone and used SPOKEN words rather than an empty text, you would only know that if you tried it..

 

I would like to address this idea that going after women is like 'Man on Wire' and that every mis-step you make could cost you the woman of your dreams. Whether you're too vague, or passive, or wimpy.

 

Is that really how women want to play the game? You want to give up on a guy you shared 3 months of common ground and laughter with because of the way he went about trying to get you out for a 1-on-1 meeting?

 

If that is the case, then I think it is her loss.

 

I mean, he can ask her out again for clarity, fine. But he's a well spoken, smart guy. I'm sure whatever 'way he's going about it' is fine.

Edited December 6, 2014 by JuneJulySeptember

[Ronni_W]

I emailed her and asked her to text me.

If a guy sent me an email asking me to text him, I'd think he was bananas...and without conversational skills. And with limited dating skills on top.

 

If she is halfway intelligent and had even a halfway interest in you, your approach would likely have been most disappointing. (Which, I do think the signs were that she did have some level of interest.)

 

If her prior behaviour continues, then it was not a fatal mistake and she is willing to give you another shot at making a better impression (of your "outside of work" personality and skills).

 

I do hope that you will get that chance...and that you will make the most of it

[Teknoe]

Actions speak louder than words.

 

She's had my cell for 48 hours now. I've asked her to text me. No matter how much she might (and that's a big if) be teasing me, surely if a guy you liked gave you his cell, you'd be quick to text him to open some kind of line of communication outside of work hours.

 

I'm just going to dial back and see how she acts around me. I think I've given her enough evidence that I'm open, so now the ball is kind of in her court.

 

Besides, being work, I don't want her to feel pressured or uncomfortable.

 

It's her move next.

 

If she's neutral or cold, I have my answer. If she continues to push the envelope, then I can ask her out.

 

But yes, the fact she hasn't text me yet is all I need to know.

It's the weekend. Even something simple like

 

"Hey Tek. Busy grading classwork. UGH. What r u up to?"

 

That way I would have her cell and I can reciprocate.

 

Since she hasn't texted me, she's keeping lines of communication CLOSED.

 

So, for now, the store is closed, not open.

 

I ain't about to try and force it open, either. Besides, it's a long school year.

[Ronni_W]

She's had my cell for 48 hours now. I've asked her to text me. No matter how much she might (and that's a big if) be teasing me, surely if a guy you liked gave you his cell, you'd be quick to text him to open some kind of line of communication outside of work hours.

Obviously the answer is different for everyone. But for me, no. Instead, I'd be going, "Aw CRAP! I wouldn't have minded getting to know this guy outside of work...but not if this is the kind and level of 'communication' that I can expect going forward. Aw CRAP and CRAP!!!"

 

And then I would just leave it, to let it die it's sad and unfulfilled potential.

 

For me, it'd be my better option than struggling for two or three dates or months, and THEN having to admit that we have "communication issues". It's already clear to me that we're going to have them.

[JuneJulySeptember]

If a guy sent me an email asking me to text him, I'd think he was bananas...and without conversational skills. And with limited dating skills on top.

 

 

If you reject a guy who is attractive and interesting based on the way he asks you out, I think YOU are bananas!

[Ronni_W]

If you reject a guy who is attractive and interesting based on the way he asks you out, I think YOU are bananas!

No, it's that I'd take a long-range view and foresee "communication issues" in our future...even just to set-up the 2nd or 3rd date.

For myself, I can't see a guy who emails to ask for a text being able to maintain himself as someone "interesting" for too long. Physical attractiveness can only carry one so far, in my books. Well...okay. If you mean would I take a pretty-looking air-head for an FWB or somesuch...then, yes. I would do that But my first post was about long-range prospects/potential.

[JuneJulySeptember]

No, it's that I'd take a long-range view and foresee "communication issues" in our future...even just to set-up the 2nd or 3rd date.

For myself, I can't see a guy who emails to ask for a text being able to maintain himself as someone "interesting" for too long. .

 

Call me crazy, but in my book, communication potential would be based upon easy conversation, mutual laughter and comfortable rapport that I have established with a co-worker for several months.

 

It's a wild and insane opinion I know, but hey, I'm sticking to it.

[Teknoe]

IMO I think some folks here are getting way too caught up in a short email asking to text that person.

 

If a girl I liked emailed me and said "text me at _____" because she didn't have my cell number, then I'd text her and be like, "Hey, sup?"

 

There's some fun and mystery there, and now we have each other's cells. Simple. Done.

 

For whatever reason, this just didn't go the way I envisioned. And that reason probably is she doesn't want me to get the wrong idea. Perhaps she enjoys me as a good work friend with whom she can have banter that goes beyond the norm (i.e. formal pleasantries). We're of similar age, life experience and even share the same nationality. There is a lot we have in common, and being a teacher at a small school I'm the only guy there... so it's like I'm "special" by default.

 

It's natural that we'll talk and bond a bit.

 

But that doesn't mean she's falling for me or anything.

 

It's easy for me to get wrapped up in these fantasies after a few months' interaction with a coworker.

 

You see them so often, and you build a certain rapport with them.

 

Anyway, I wouldn't overthink the cell thing. When a girl likes you back, you will know. She will make it relatively easy for you if you put a feeler out there. I did, and she did not take the bait.

 

So now I wait, readjust and move on. If she re-engages, then I'll re-evaluate at that point.

[Teknoe]

Case in point, I just texted my date for tomorrow. date number 2. girl i am lukewarm on.

 

Gave her the time and location.

 

She hits me back up "What u up to?"

 

Ha, ironic. The very thing I been posting my crush at work could send me, this other girl, who admittedly is interested in me, has texted me.

 

Such is life.

 

Either girls like me, or I like girls.

 

Rarely in my life has it ever been mutual. Damnit.

[ascendotum]

No, it's that I'd take a long-range view and foresee "communication issues" in our future...even just to set-up the 2nd or 3rd date.

For myself, I can't see a guy who emails to ask for a text being able to maintain himself as someone "interesting" for too long. Physical attractiveness can only carry one so far, in my books. Well...okay. If you mean would I take a pretty-looking air-head for an FWB or somesuch...then, yes. I would do that But my first post was about long-range prospects/potential.

 

I think you are reading too much into a simple act..but lots of women will like to read between the lines on such stuff. If the girl thought the OP was hot she would not have let the opportunity go by or evaluate it in such long term negative terms. When a women is hot for a guy, lots, of red flags can get ignored let alone this little issue, which she doesn't even know what his intention was behind the email, apart from maybe it being a way to get her cell number.

 

I'd take it as a knock back, but I would hardly call it harsh. I get her thinking it was weird to email to get her to text him, but again if she really fancied the OP, she'd go for it.

[preraph]

I don't think it would have mattered one whit how or when you went about it. She was quick and decisive with "friend" business and making it clear she's all professional at work. Definitely she's not interested.

[FitChick]

Case in point, I just texted my date for tomorrow. date number 2. girl i am lukewarm on.

 

Gave her the time and location.

 

You made a date with this girl but not the first. You said nothing about meeting up later with Girl 1. If a guy said "text me" I'd have wondered why if no subject was mentioned. Sort of like someone saying "Call me."

[Imajerk17]

Teknoe you keep insisting your methods are fine even though in the 4+ years you've been on here at least, they clearly haven't worked for you.

 

In this regard you remind me an awful lot of another poster. I won't mention who he is except to say that he takes a lot of heat on here. Some dude.

 

 

IMO I think some folks here are getting way too caught up in a short email asking to text that person.

 

If a girl I liked emailed me and said "text me at _____" because she didn't have my cell number, then I'd text her and be like, "Hey, sup?"

 

There's some fun and mystery there, and now we have each other's cells. Simple. Done.

 

For whatever reason, this just didn't go the way I envisioned. And that reason probably is she doesn't want me to get the wrong idea. Perhaps she enjoys me as a good work friend with whom she can have banter that goes beyond the norm (i.e. formal pleasantries). We're of similar age, life experience and even share the same nationality. There is a lot we have in common, and being a teacher at a small school I'm the only guy there... so it's like I'm "special" by default.

 

It's natural that we'll talk and bond a bit.

 

But that doesn't mean she's falling for me or anything.

 

It's easy for me to get wrapped up in these fantasies after a few months' interaction with a coworker.

 

You see them so often, and you build a certain rapport with them.

 

Anyway, I wouldn't overthink the cell thing. When a girl likes you back, you will know. She will make it relatively easy for you if you put a feeler out there. I did, and she did not take the bait.

 

So now I wait, readjust and move on. If she re-engages, then I'll re-evaluate at that point.

Edited December 7, 2014 by Imajerk17

[Teknoe]

Teknoe you keep insisting your methods are fine even though in the 4+ years you've been on here at least, they clearly haven't worked for you.

 

In this regard you remind me an awful lot of another poster. I won't mention who he is except to say that he takes a lot of heat on here. Some dude.

 

I don't think I "keep insisting my methods are right." In this case though, I do think people are blowing how I went about it out of proportion. Yes, could I have approached it more effectively? I'm sure a simple "what's your number?" would suffice, but the bottom line is, if a woman digs you, and you offer your number, she's going to save it to her phone and contact you come hell or high water.

 

I gave this girl my number, and she has not messaged me in 50 hours now. She is not interested.

 

Sure, I could have gotten her number if I asked straight up, but that would just prolong my fantasy and lead me to falling harder before the eventual reality check. At least in this instance it was quick and sharp. Rather than slow and tortuous.

 

As for me reminding you of another poster, I've often told him I have more in common with him than he might believe. One of the fundamental differences though is that I have a career, some passions and I am more introspective than he is. I'm willing to candidly admit my flaws and acknowledge my short comings.

 

I could have asked her in a more effective manner, but at the end of the day, her actions speak louder than words and that is mainly why I feel people are blowing this out of proportion.

 

Meaning, even if I got her number, likely it wouldn't have mattered in the end. She was never into me to begin with. Why pursue a dead end?

 

I hope my clarification sheds some light now.

[Teknoe]

I might ask her to do you a solid and not tell anybody at work. If it got out, it might be embarrassing, and if your principal was a real d@uche, you might even get a lecture about it.

 

Nah, no reason to make a big deal out of nothing.

 

While she may have a strong indication that I like(d) her, she really still has no proof, in the end.

 

And if I effectively back off and simmer things down, then she'll realize how non-chalant I am and things will go back to normal.

 

Last thing you want to do in this case is make it freaking weird. You put a feeler out, she left you hanging and now you carry on like nothing ever happened. You don't let it phase you. You're a pro. You got other options (or you fake it til you make it). And you count her as a good friend. Which is better than nothing.

[TheFinalWord]

Case in point, I just texted my date for tomorrow. date number 2. girl i am lukewarm on.

 

Gave her the time and location.

 

She hits me back up "What u up to?"

 

Ha, ironic. The very thing I been posting my crush at work could send me, this other girl, who admittedly is interested in me, has texted me.

 

Such is life.

 

Either girls like me, or I like girls.

 

Rarely in my life has it ever been mutual. Damnit.

 

Sorry to hear friend. My 2 cents:

 

Girl 2 is working because you don't care.

 

Girl 1, you have constructed a cause and effect scenario that requires a PhD to interpret.

 

Girl 1 you had the opportunity when she said she was single. If she was rubbing your shoulders, she has broken the contact barrier. If you were going to test the waters, I would say try that first. Try rubbing her shoulders sometime. If she let's you, than ask if she wants to get dinner.

 

However, overall, I think it is probably better not to date at work if possible.

[Teknoe]

However, overall, I think it is probably better not to date at work if possible.

 

That's the sigh of relief and silver lining in all this.

[TigerLilly78]

What a roundabout way of trying to get someone to text you! Good lord. It did nothing to show that you were actually interested in her.

 

And your only expectation was a 'sup?'?

 

Do you know how to be direct? Or do you enjoy the friendzone?

 

I was thinking this to maybe she just thought you wanted to talk about work related things only and she saw no point in it who knows. Maybe shes sitting there at home thinking to herself dam all he wanted to do was text me for work and ive been showing interest all week!! ..lol

 

Never know to me you just were not direct enough to get the point across and then you seamed relived she will have no idea you like her? is the women suppose to be a mind reader..try again and this time be more direct..

[guest569]

If I were her, I couldn't be bothered with all the work and hassle involved. I think what you should have done was during one of your alleged "flirting" sessions, ask her if she would like to go for a coffee after work. Just keep it simple and direct and get it over with.

 

But yeah, co-worker. Forget it.

[WomenWubber]

If you really care about your job/career, then forget about dating in the workplace. That **** can go horribly wrong in so many ways.

[Els]

I agree that she's not interested in you.

 

That being said, your approach isn't really doing you any favours. Emailing her to ask her to text you shows a very distinct lack of initiative/effort/courting on your part IMO. It doesn't do anything to grab her interest, it's an email, and the only thing it says is to ask her to text you...? If someone sent that to me I'd be very confused and would wonder if he's trying to play games with me for his amusement.

 

Texting the other girl about your plans for the date wasn't too bad on the other hand. At least it's way better than an email that says 'text me'! If you wanted to date your coworker, why wouldn't you invite her in person to an event you might both be interested in after work?

 

It may not make a difference with this girl (and I agree with the others who say that dating coworkers is a very, very delicate terrain if your job means a lot to you) but consider changing your approach in the future.

Edited December 7, 2014 by Elswyth

[Ronni_W]

If the girl thought the OP was hot she would not have let the opportunity go by or evaluate it in such long term negative terms. When a women is hot for a guy, lots, of red flags can get ignored let alone this little issue

When I'm hot for a guy...I ask him out! (But then again, I'm okay facing whatever 'rejection' may stem from doing that.)

I would NOT send him an email asking him to text me -- nor a text asking him to call me -- or whatever other such nonsense. (But then again, I'm not 12 years old anymore.)

 

I do agree with you that, when one person finds another person "hot", then the individual can or will often let go of all common sense and sound judgment. I've done that, too. But sooner or later those same people will start whining and complaining because the "hot" one has not lived up to expectations...which the person already knew were unrealistic.

 

To get back to point, OP has taken her lack of obeying his instruction to text him -- instruction which came without any reason or purpose, mind you -- as him having misread signs of her interest. I'm only offering ONE of any number of possibilities of what else might be in play: that he read the signs accurately...and then shot himself in the foot with his kindergarten approach.

I also said that I hope she'll give him another chance. My suggestion is that, if that happens, he come up higher, and do something more adult and courageous.

[endlessabyss]

It's so easy to ask someone out when you already have a strong rapport going.

 

 

"Hey, would you like to go out sometime?".

 

 

Simple as that. The rejection really isn't that bad either if you congratulate yourself for asking when it's all said and done.

 

 

Some people must really struggle with this. You only live once!

[elaine567]

It's so easy to ask someone out when you already have a strong rapport going.

 

 

"Hey, would you like to go out sometime?".

 

 

Simple as that. The rejection really isn't that bad either if you congratulate yourself for asking when it's all said and done.

 

 

Some people must really struggle with this. You only live once!

 

Exactly, whatever happened to direct talking?

Sent an email to ask her to text him, when he was right in front of her and she was even touching his shoulder and he sees her daily.

MADNESS.