What do you males envision?

[Danda]

So. I came her initially because I was having some kind of meltdown over sex-related stuff. Once I chilled out I started browsing around the forums. I'm going to confess some ignorance here, in the hopes that I can trade it for some insight.

 

I am honestly surprised to see so many males who are so wound up over trying to get a girlfriend. From the moment of my birth I haven't really had many good experiences with males. I don't judge or hate or anything, but at the same time I can't deny a sort of jaded, cynical streak in me. Or something. But even then it's not quite like that, since I never felt upset about it, just.. like the way things are.

 

Sorry I'm not articulate and ramble like a mother****er. I guess I haven't really seen such blatant displays of male sensitivity and vulnerability, and a whole bunch of them all in one spot. It's kind of weird, but neat, and interesting.

 

For those of you who are trying to date, seems like a lot of you are using OLD as a primary method, what exactly are you envisioning as an end goal? Like what is it that you want? What does a relationship mean to you (whichever type you're after, casual or serious)?

 

I know I have issues and **** so no need to tell me, but I really am curious. I've long held a perception that most men don't even like women, let alone want us around, unless it's for sex. On an intellectual level I know that's totally sexist and probably stupid, but my thoughts and feelings are two different beasts that merge together for a perception.

 

So I'd like to know, what is it you are hoping for? What would you get out of having a girlfriend, other than sex, since lots of you are clearly looking for more than casual sex. Or are you just looking for casual sex?

 

Idunno it's weird, it's like a lot of males in pursuit seem really focused on aesthetics, but then in other forums there are guys having damn near mental breakdowns over losing their girlfriends and whatnot.

 

I also have no social grace so sorry if my post comes across as mocking or something. It's not my intention. I would genuinely like to read some responses.

[StalwartMind]

We all have different experiences with other people. I think a big reason behind the way we perceive the world and other humans, has to do with the environment we are in. It's easy to be blinded and thinking all men/all women are bad if you've had nothing but negative experiences with the opposite sex.

 

There are endless of reasons as to why someone values the company of another person, be it of same or opposite gender. I look for qualities that are similar to my own or that compensates me really well. With this mindset anyone has the potential to attract my attention and the possibility to become my friend. People whom do not share the same core views will naturally remove themselves and seek something else. This is the way things should be as there is no point spending your time around or with someone whom have no interest in you, regardless if it's a friendship or relationship you are looking for.

 

It's very likely that most men seek the company of women because maybe it can lead to sex, but it's such a skewed mindset. If you haven't met any men whom respect you for whom you are, and who would genuinely be interested in you for your personality, then you've been unlucky.

 

I'm sure people want a partner for a gazillion different reasons, but I couldn't imagine being with a woman whom I didn't have a ton in common with, just because that gives me endless opportunities to be creative and enjoy what we share. Intimacy is important but it shouldn't be the main ingredient in any relationship. As with most quality things it should just be a part of the overall foundation.

 

Life can be truly complex or really simple, most people tend to make simple things complex, and try to make complex things really simple. This may be a bit of a thing to ponder, but everything always come down to the events we've experienced in life that has given us our current mentality. You'll often see people trying to generalize anything, it's a quick and easy way to deal with a situation. It may work in some cases but in other cases it will be entirely useless.

 

In theory you shouldn't be surprised at anything that happens in your life, or how other people treat you or think of you. From everything to men having near mental breakdowns over losing/wanting a girlfriend, to why someone would out of the blue leave you after 5,10,20 years of being together. There is no grand reason or meaning, it always come down to each individual. People are just very busy labeling things, so they feel they don't have to deal with it.

 

I'm sure some people find everything I said entirely dull, "ah mah gawd, shappit and staph posting a wall of text". Really at this point, nothing surprises me much, and that's not to make that sound negative. I have a really positive outlook on life and other people. If anything, I just find it rather whimsical how people like to think of things in highly biased, insensitive, ignorant ways.

 

If you can open your mind and look at things from multiple perspectives, then you'll have opened a door to endless opportunities and ways to enjoy life.

[GemmaUK]

If you can open your mind and look at things from multiple perspectives, then you'll have opened a door to endless opportunities and ways to enjoy life.

 

 

 

This and also that good old phrase 'do what you always did and you will get what you always got'.

 

 

I've had bad relationships but I won't and don't tar anyone else with the same brush. Those who I had relationships with were individuals.

 

 

What I do notice is when someone shows signs of the traits that guy I had the bad relationship with has.

This can be in real life but also shows in postings on forums such as this and they are pretty easily spotted on OLD too. In some ways it's easier to spot in postings and there are several men on here who I would avoid like the plague in terms of being friends with or dating.

 

 

I know men who want relationships to get sex, I know men who want relationships to get meals cooked for them and their ironing done - yes really!

 

 

Not all men are the same though - many are looking for just the same as you are believe it or not.

They can just take some finding is all...

100 frogs springs to mind.

[Danda]

Thanks for the feedback, appreciated. I can't edit my post anymore, but I think a better way to phrase my question might have been:

 

Why would you males rather have a girlfriend than just do casual sex?

[JuneJulySeptember]

Thanks for the feedback, appreciated. I can't edit my post anymore, but I think a better way to phrase my question might have been:

 

Why would you males rather have a girlfriend than just do casual sex?

 

Simple. Because I'm old.

 

I would say I want what everybody wants. Just somebody a partner and somebody to enjoy life with. Somebody who is easy to talk to, wants to try new things, and is loyal and dependable. A best friend really.

 

If that person was particularly physically attractive to me, then it's a bonus.

 

I am more interested in 'human' relationships than sex or emotional passion. I would almost rather have an asexual relationship with a wonderful woman than a passionate relationship with a hot woman who I just didn't get along with all that great.

[Frank2thepoint]

For those of you who are trying to date, seems like a lot of you are using OLD as a primary method, what exactly are you envisioning as an end goal? Like what is it that you want? What does a relationship mean to you (whichever type you're after, casual or serious)?

 

I know I have issues and **** so no need to tell me, but I really am curious. I've long held a perception that most men don't even like women, let alone want us around, unless it's for sex. On an intellectual level I know that's totally sexist and probably stupid, but my thoughts and feelings are two different beasts that merge together for a perception.

 

So I'd like to know, what is it you are hoping for? What would you get out of having a girlfriend, other than sex, since lots of you are clearly looking for more than casual sex. Or are you just looking for casual sex?

 

I can't edit my post anymore, but I think a better way to phrase my question might have been:

 

Why would you males rather have a girlfriend than just do casual sex?

 

 

I haven't used OLD in about five years. When I did, it was to supplement my dating life. I stopped using it because I wasn't getting any luck. I did manage to get a couple of dates, but nothing came about it because mostly I did not know exactly what I wanted. Fast forward to now, which is over five years later, I know what I want. But I am also learning each day with I am willing to tolerate and what I am not.

 

What I want a woman for is not just for sex. I want one for companionship, for activities, to talk with, to share experiences with. Anything among traveling, skiing during the winter, baking on a beach during the summer, snuggling up to watch a movie on the couch, going to a Broadway show, sharing stories and frustrations throughout the day, even getting naked to make sweet love, and much much more. That is what I envision for having a girlfriend. Sadly, my experience with women in the past two years has been that our personalities match, but they aren't looking for anything serious. So my desire to have a girlfriend, not some casual f*ck toy, is always being denied. Granted I did have a serious relationship over the summer, which was very promising and exciting, but unfortunately it was short-lived.

 

The other problem is my environment. I live and breathe in NYC. It is a huge city, with lots of singles. Supposedly there are 400,000 more single women in addition to the single men here. That's a wonderful surplus for any man's dream. Unfortunately because of this surplus, women are willing to lower their standards in hopes of getting into a relationship. This means they are much more open to having a casual fling with a guy, in hopes it may turn into a serious relationship. It's gotten to the point many women that keep ending up in casual sex situations, convince themselves that it is better than being single and not having any guy in their life. The result of this is NYC is a single's paradise, with men that just want sex having the biggest gain. The culture it bred is to be wary and avoid the few brave souls (such as myself) that want more than a casual fling, want a serious relationship. My good female friend told me the other day that women in NYC don't want to hear that a guy wants a serious relationship, because they assume he is lying and saying it as a way to get sex. Or it repels them because it's too much of a responsibility. Which defies logic, because guys that advertise they want casual, are being straight about only wanting sex.

 

I hope you have a glimmer of my frustration.

Edited December 6, 2014 by Frank2thepoint

[insert_name]

Everyones story is going to be different I feel.

 

I want that sense of closeness, connection and companionship that others seem to find so easily. Friends are great but friends cant scratch that itch that a relationship does otherwise I guess we would all be forming intimate partnerships with our friends.

 

I also dont want to be alone for the rest of my life, I have a very small family and friends seem to come and go with their own relationship status, once they settle down they disappear so without someone whose life path entwines with mine there is a danger I could get really isolated in later life.

 

I would dearly love to not worry about it, but its not been something I have worried about for a long time. I have been single for 10 years and those 10 yesrs have passed me by so quickly. This has proved to me that I simply can't not think about it and it will magically happen, I have to go out there and make a conscious effort to look for it. But its so, so hard. I dont think there is anything in life that I am more talented at than failing to make connections with women. At this point in time I am at a total loss as to how I am supposed to find a relationship.

 

I work in software development and I find it interesting how our approach to problem solving is very rational, logical and based around a robust plan with numerous ways to achieve the desired goal. I wondered how that can be applied to dating, but it obviously can't. You can't buy it, you can't even devise a plan to work towards it because attraction can't be legislated for. This is particularly frustrating.

 

All I can do is keep using OLD and taking better photos/rewriting my profile and keep going out and trying to be positive and approachable and fun. But it gets so tiring and truth be told I want to stop and not care. But I spent 10 years not caring and nothing happened.

 

Such is life.

[Danda]

Thanks for the replies. I find it interesting because my brain doesn't seem to hold a concept of romance. I love other humans, but I love in the same way. Then there are friendships. And then there is sex.

 

For the longest time I've considered myself "masculine" in this regard because I thought this is how men are. But I am finding out that maybe I have been totally wrong.

 

I'm used to hearing/reading women describe romantic love and such and not genuinely understanding it, but reading about it from men is just extremely interesting.

[shadow_stang]

Thanks for the replies. I find it interesting because my brain doesn't seem to hold a concept of romance. I love other humans, but I love in the same way. Then there are friendships. And then there is sex.

 

For the longest time I've considered myself "masculine" in this regard because I thought this is how men are. But I am finding out that maybe I have been totally wrong.

 

I'm used to hearing/reading women describe romantic love and such and not genuinely understanding it, but reading about it from men is just extremely interesting.

 

 

I was once with a girl who meant the world to me. Even if she had said "no sex for 1 year" I would have still been by her side, being the best boyfriend I could be. Like someone said earlier, we all have different stories. I'm the type of guy, that once I fall for the right woman, I'm ride to die. I know several guys who only want sex, and they are numerous, but not all guys are like that. Love is just a chemical reaction I guess, but going by what I've felt for a few certain women in my life, sex is just a bonus, spending time with someone who means the world to you, even without sex, just makes sense. What I miss most about my ex, is not sex, not by far.

[salparadise]

We're all interested in sex; many of us want a lot more than just sex. Intimacy, companionship, passion and dedication... The five A's - Acceptance, Appreciation, Affection, Attention, Allowing.

[gaius]

Don't apologize for asking a question or put yourself down Danda, you're doing fine.

[nofeelings22]

Thanks for the feedback, appreciated. I can't edit my post anymore, but I think a better way to phrase my question might have been:

 

Why would you males rather have a girlfriend than just do casual sex?

 

 

Because casual sex is easily available at any time and is nowhere near as fulfilling as a real relationship.

 

We crave the same things you do. Closeness, a connection, intimacy, someone we can depend on.... a partner.

 

And... we get just as hurt as you do when we are mistreated.

[gaius]

Having some sort of love, both physical and emotional, is one of the great needs humans have. =/ You can go without it and not die sure, but people don't function like they should if they don't have it. Their psyche starts doing strange things if deprived for too long. So generally I look for love like a guy who's starting to get charlie horses looks for a banana. As romantic as that sounds.