Lied about her age - what would you do?

[GemmaUK]

Sounds like you're getting instincts about other things (either specifics or things that just 'feel' off).

In which case, go with your instinct.

[CaliGypsy]

Go with your gut on this. FYI ? It came across very well that you didn't have a problem not staying with her . You were sharing the irony of her worrying about trust and then lying about her age.

 

It would bother me . I tried to be as upfront as possible on my dating profile. I would have preferred to click the divorced box. In my heart and my head I am as good as divorced. However? The divorce is not yet finalized and any man that gets involved with me deserves to know that. Until I have that final decree, it matters not at all how long I've been separated and on my own. In the eyes of the law I'm still married.

 

I have talked to a few guys who admitted to me right away they were over 50 but lowered their age to get a broader response. Personally, I wouldn't do that but I have overlooked that.

[gaius]

You can lie to me about your age or divorce any day Gypsy.

 

I think it's just one of those things you have to let women get away with. Age is one thing they don't really have an option of not talking about if they don't want to because dating sites require it.

[Art_Critic]

I think it's just one of those things you have to let women get away with. Age is one thing they don't really have an option of not talking about if they don't want to because dating sites require it.

 

I agree and also think the OP agrees somewhat that the age lie really isn't all that bad, but coupled with the idea that she is speaking about there not being enough trust to be staying at her house it seems disingenuous.

 

One has affected the other... if she hadn't of pulled out the trust argument in the first place he might not have cared if she changed her age.

 

I get where the OP is coming from, I can also say that if it were me I would forge ahead with a careful eye open as the bad feelings could clear up with some more interaction, they could also get worse and then it would be time to cut and run.

[Els]

I haven't used OLD before, so take this with a grain of salt, but I think that lying when filling in an impersonal form on the internet is quite different from lying in personal conversation with you. I mean, aren't all of us guilty of the former to a degree with 'I have read the EULA' statements?

 

That being said I also think that she should have fronted up about the wrong information on her profile after spending some time talking with you, not continued talking to you for a MONTH without doing so. IMO the fact that she didn't voluntarily do that is the worst part about all this.

 

Not going to excuse what she did, and you have every right to choose not to speak to her again if you wish. Just offering my own thoughts.

[BlueIris]

I think it’s a minor thing.

She might have forgotten. I used to have a username that was a name, like Mary777. But Mary isn’t my name. I was dating someone who didn’t call me by name for a few dates and it wasn’t until he called me Mary that I remembered to tell him my real name. I was very embarrassed. Ack!

The majority of men I met on POF lied about age (the majority, 5-10 years! I didn’t stay there long! haha) and it seemed that most if not all of the men under 6’0” lied about height. Right or wrong, so many assume that everyone lies on OLD that they think nothing of it or that they're following a norm.

[salparadise]

Well, I talked to her on the phone today; something wasn't right. She was nervous and uncomfortable. I said, hey, just tell me what it is. She said she just wasn't sure. Finally she mumbled something about someone she had been involved with before had contacted her. I have no idea if that's the truth, but it didn't sound at all convincing. Whatever. So I said we should just cancel and she agreed. I never mentioned the age thing. We wished each other well.

 

So my instincts were pretty good. Something really is off about her. I don't think she's emotionally available. She's scared to death, not who she pretends to be. All of that outgoing, confidence just turned to jelly after the initial meeting went so well. I feel sorry for her on the one hand, and angry on the other. She just wasted my time and emotional energy. Next.

[spiderowl]

I don't like it when people are dishonest about their age. I then think they must be slippery, untrustworthy characters. Just my take on it. Other have a more liberal attitude so feelings about this vary.

 

I agree with other posters that assuming a woman should trust you to be in her home just because you've built up a rapport and got on OK in a first meeting is wrong. She might and she might not. Too many guys who want to meet from online seem to assume that because they trust you, you should do likewise. It doesn't work like that. Anyone can seem normal at first, then turn weird. Best to keep away from home until you've got to know them better.

[Danda]

It could have been a lot of things, but it doesn't matter anymore. You're now free to keep looking for the right one for you.

 

About the whole googling thing and wanting to stay at her place, though:

 

My personal opinion is that there is nothing creepy about doing a bit of research on someone you've started dating. I think it makes sense if a person has been deceived before, too. You can develop a more guarded, self-protecting mindset once you've experienced firsthand (especially if multiple times) that there are some shady and/or crazy people out there.

 

When I recently met a guy from Craigslist, I totally pulled his email address from the CL relay system and popped it into some search engines. I found his FaceBook and read through quite a bit of it. And this was all just for a casual encounter attempt, not even actual dating. It probably just makes it even "creepier" that he never knew I did this. I know his full name, where he works, etc and he has no idea that I know any of it. But I wanted to do the best I could to check for signs of lunacy before actually meeting him in person.

 

Am I creepy? Maybe. But I didn't find his FaceBook in order to "creep" on him. It was just self-protecting behavior.

 

As for the spending the night thing, after only one date:

 

Different people will feel differently about it. There are one night stands, after all. They often don't even involve one date beforehand. Then you will find people who after a month of dating still don't feel comfortable falling asleep next to you.

 

I think it depends a lot on a person's thus-far experiences, the experiences they've heard of or observed in others (and thus that they have learned from), and then personal perceptions.

 

So I don't think it can really be normal or abnormal, how one feels about that. All that matters is asking for permission and then respecting differences, which you did. So no sweat.

[Snaggletooth]

Well, I talked to her on the phone today; something wasn't right. She was nervous and uncomfortable. I said, hey, just tell me what it is. She said she just wasn't sure. Finally she mumbled something about someone she had been involved with before had contacted her. I have no idea if that's the truth, but it didn't sound at all convincing. Whatever. So I said we should just cancel and she agreed. I never mentioned the age thing. We wished each other well.

 

So my instincts were pretty good. Something really is off about her. I don't think she's emotionally available. She's scared to death, not who she pretends to be. All of that outgoing, confidence just turned to jelly after the initial meeting went so well. I feel sorry for her on the one hand, and angry on the other. She just wasted my time and emotional energy. Next.

 

Don't be angry, if meeting people online this is what to expect. It's not tangible. I'm relatively new to it compared to most but I quickly learnt that. Some will judge you right, some will judge you wrong, but it's still not tangible and much depends on how one sees rather than how one tells. To be sensible one must put a barrier between online and real life, once one crosses that barrier, barriers must come down. Not all are prepared to do that quickly. It just is. It allows an openness unrealistic in real life, but also demands a defensiveness not needed in real life.

[salparadise]

Don't be angry, if meeting people online this is what to expect. It's not tangible. I'm relatively new to it compared to most but I quickly learnt that. Some will judge you right, some will judge you wrong, but it's still not tangible and much depends on how one sees rather than how one tells. To be sensible one must put a barrier between online and real life, once one crosses that barrier, barriers must come down. Not all are prepared to do that quickly. It just is. It allows an openness unrealistic in real life, but also demands a defensiveness not needed in real life.

 

This is a very insightful post. Thank you!

 

I'm not angry-angry. Just dissatisfied with how it all transpired and the feelings that I made the effort to be open, vulnerable and it wasn't reciprocated or appreciated. Of course it's nowhere near the magnitude of a real-life let down, like after you've actually become attached.

 

What I realize is that she is one of those poor souls who desperately want love and intimacy, but are so limited by their fear that they can't tolerate the actuality and panic when someone gets too close. That's what happened, I believe. She engages this online dating process as a way of preserving hope, having some social contact and alleviating loneliness, but when someone actually offers that potential she's compelled to sabotage rather than embrace.

 

That's what was going on with the hotel room... distancing. And when I agreed to that without any hesitation she was ok at first, but then as the hour drew near she went to pieces. She's the one who initiated and persisted for the last month, then at the point where we were about to get real she just couldn't tolerate it.

[Snaggletooth]

This is a very insightful post. Thank you!

 

I'm not angry-angry. Just dissatisfied with how it all transpired and the feelings that I made the effort to be open, vulnerable and it wasn't reciprocated or appreciated. Of course it's nowhere near the magnitude of a real-life let down, like after you've actually become attached.

 

What I realize is that she is one of those poor souls who desperately want love and intimacy, but are so limited by their fear that they can't tolerate the actuality and panic when someone gets too close. That's what happened, I believe. She engages this online dating process as a way of preserving hope, having some social contact and alleviating loneliness, but when someone actually offers that potential she's compelled to sabotage rather than embrace.

 

That's what was going on with the hotel room... distancing. And when I agreed to that without any hesitation she was ok at first, but then as the hour drew near she went to pieces. She's the one who initiated and persisted for the last month, then at the point where we were about to get real she just couldn't tolerate it.

 

As a wise but troubled lass who once posted here once told me, the internet is a playground for those who fear the tangible.

[salparadise]

As a wise but troubled lass who once posted here once told me, the internet is a playground for those who fear the tangible.

 

So true. The age manipulation may also be a way of keeping it all separated from reality... lying about her age and setting her acceptable range much younger keeps it in the fantasy realm and lessens the risk of having to confront the fears.

[BlueIris]

This is a very insightful post. Thank you!

 

I'm not angry-angry. Just dissatisfied with how it all transpired and the feelings that I made the effort to be open, vulnerable and it wasn't reciprocated or appreciated. Of course it's nowhere near the magnitude of a real-life let down, like after you've actually become attached.

 

What I realize is that she is one of those poor souls who desperately want love and intimacy, but are so limited by their fear that they can't tolerate the actuality and panic when someone gets too close. That's what happened, I believe. She engages this online dating process as a way of preserving hope, having some social contact and alleviating loneliness, but when someone actually offers that potential she's compelled to sabotage rather than embrace.

 

That's what was going on with the hotel room... distancing. And when I agreed to that without any hesitation she was ok at first, but then as the hour drew near she went to pieces. She's the one who initiated and persisted for the last month, then at the point where we were about to get real she just couldn't tolerate it.

 

When we don't know someone, all we can do is consider how we'd do it differently ourselves. You guys had only one date. When someone I met on OLD got attached or very familiar quickly, I backed out. Try not to get so invested that you get upset after phone calls and one date. It’ll drive you nuts, and might drive some women away.

[salparadise]

When we don't know someone, all we can do is consider how we'd do it differently ourselves. You guys had only one date. When someone I met on OLD got attached or very familiar quickly, I backed out. Try not to get so invested that you get upset after phone calls and one date. It’ll drive you nuts, and might drive some women away.

 

I wasn't invested. I just wasted too much time and energy on someone that had no potential. She put on a good act for awhile. Feeling a bit of loss for the potential isn't the same as being attached. This whole thread is about realizing that nothing was congruent.

[lino]

It'd be a deal breaker for me.

 

Why lie about something like that for?

 

If you'd lied about being a doctor or something it wouldn't be overlooked.