Illusion24 Posted March 21, 2005 Share Posted March 21, 2005 I've always lived for tomorrow and not for today...Lately my feelings are really messed up...I feel as if my soul is empty and I'm missing out on my life and youth...I'm 23 years old and I feel when you turn certain ages that your life changes...for example when you turn 18 life changes, when you turn 21 life changes, then you party have fun then you notice 2 years have passed by and you're 23 looking for meaning in your life...I'm no longer searching for instant gratification, I'm searching for something I can't even see or put my finger on it.... Lately seeing some old friends of mine have opened up my eyes and as you may or may not know I'm in a relationship with someone who's 19 and till now it really hasn't hit me...He's been more into the partying and going to clubs and all this stuff that I already went through...Yes I enjoy being with him but those things just don't interest me anymore...I'm pretty lost because I still have 2 more years for him to turn 21 and he's just started to have fun and beginning his life...I feel as a burden on him not a gf... I don't want to be with someone else, I don't want to hurt him, but I don't know how to tell him I need to find myself??!! How do you tell someone you love 'hey I need to find myself'?!! Is it that easy, will he understand, does he wait till I find myself...or do I except the fact that right now we're in 2 different parts of life...Where do I go from here, I'm stuck and I don't even know where to begin to climb out Link to post Share on other sites
Author Illusion24 Posted March 21, 2005 Author Share Posted March 21, 2005 I guess not??? Link to post Share on other sites
greenhorn Posted March 21, 2005 Share Posted March 21, 2005 Originally posted by NeverSayNever Lately seeing some old friends of mine have opened up my eyes and as you may or may not know I'm in a relationship with someone who's 19 and till now it really hasn't hit me...He's been more into the partying and going to clubs and all this stuff that I already went through...Yes I enjoy being with him but those things just don't interest me anymore...I'm pretty lost because I still have 2 more years for him to turn 21 and he's just started to have fun and beginning his life...I feel as a burden on him not a gf... I don't want to be with someone else, I don't want to hurt him, but I don't know how to tell him I need to find myself??!! How do you tell someone you love 'hey I need to find myself'?!! Is it that easy, will he understand, does he wait till I find myself...or do I except the fact that right now we're in 2 different parts of life...Where do I go from here, I'm stuck and I don't even know where to begin to climb out Did this age gap happened overnight ? Didn't you know from begining that since you both have age gap there might be difference in compatability ?? What you think is not wrong ? but what you intend to do is grossly wrong and a terribly selfish act ? You want to Kill someone and say " Hey I didn't intend to kill you "? Spare some thought for the poor soul. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Illusion24 Posted March 21, 2005 Author Share Posted March 21, 2005 It's not even like that...This whole time I was trying to prove to myself that age doesn't matter...I've never been with a younger guy and I felt as if it would be a learning experience..Well I fell in love hard!! But now that I'm analyzing the situation I feel as if we are in 2 different part of our lives... he wants party I want stability...The last thing on his mind right now is the future, he has 4 more years till he finishes school...I have my carrier already what I am I waiting for to begin my life??!! Do I have to wait...yes, if I love him but sometimes love just aint' enough Link to post Share on other sites
greenhorn Posted March 21, 2005 Share Posted March 21, 2005 Originally posted by NeverSayNever It's not even like that...This whole time I was trying to prove to myself that age doesn't matter...I've never been with a younger guy and I felt as if it would be a learning experience..Well I fell in love hard!! But now that I'm analyzing the situation I feel as if we are in 2 different part of our lives... he wants party I want stability...The last thing on his mind right now is the future, he has 4 more years till he finishes school...I have my carrier already what I am I waiting for to begin my life??!! Do I have to wait...yes, if I love him but sometimes love just aint' enough NSN, trust me I completely understand you.I really admire and respect you for thinking about your career.But please think how much the guy would be hurt by this something which he didnt do for ? Had he done something wrong or cheated you, I would have been the first to ask you to kick him but this is not the question. Sometimes Love is not enough, true but love does not mean always myself, think of something, think of some middle path, shall I tell you life is not going to be easy and it will never be as you wish it to be. Now it might be easy for you to forget him but tommorrow the exit barrier might not be so easy. Don't leave him for something which you are not sure of ? this will not be fair to him. Having said this I would also say that tommorrow he might do the same what you are thinking to do to him right now and you would be hurt but then you will never have the guilt to carry for whole of your life that you did wrong to someone. Life is never easy. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Illusion24 Posted March 21, 2005 Author Share Posted March 21, 2005 You make complete sense but in my mind I feel as if I should be with someone at my level or higher...My gut feeling tells me to let him go, but my heart says hold out he will "become" the man you need. But I don't know if I could wait??!! He says he wants to marry me when he gets out of school, which is great but thats in 4 years...in 4 years I'll be 28...come on now wtf??? I never looked past now the present time...and now that I feel my future is not being set I feel lost. I don't even know what it is I'm searching for exactly Don't leave him for something which you are not sure of ? this will not be fair to him. Having said this I would also say that tommorrow he might do the same what you are thinking to do to him right now and you would be hurt but then you will never have the guilt to carry for whole of your life that you did wrong to someone. That's the easy way out but it does cross my mind... Link to post Share on other sites
greenhorn Posted March 21, 2005 Share Posted March 21, 2005 NSN, if you love someone then you can always wait and you can tide with all the difficulties.This has happened in our world so many times. You know the story of ' John Nash ' right ?? The 1994 Nobel Prize winner, one who gave us the game theory for decision making.You know he was a schizophrenic right from his Uni days and Alicia remained with him all the time till today.What was that, that was love? She could have simply chosen a man with whom she could have enjoyed her youth and the colorful world. But then I won't have been mentioning her story to you. See the movie ' A Beautiful Mind' --greenhorn -- Link to post Share on other sites
Author Illusion24 Posted March 21, 2005 Author Share Posted March 21, 2005 Yes I did...and I cried when I saw it! But if I hold on, then what?? I can't ignore the feelings I'm feeling...what if they come up again, if I feel as if I should go with the struggle of dealing with the age factor...I also bring into thought what if I let him go, how would I feel?? To tell you the truth, I can't think past that...I don't even know what that would feel like...I feel so lost right now..Thanx for listening though you do open my eyes Link to post Share on other sites
HokeyReligions Posted March 21, 2005 Share Posted March 21, 2005 Have you considered talking to HIM about all of this? His feelings matter too. If you love him, you'll wait. If you don't want to wait, then you don't love him enough. Break it off and move on---you will both be happier for it. Link to post Share on other sites
greenhorn Posted March 21, 2005 Share Posted March 21, 2005 Exactly, Hokey has said the right thing. I was too verbose but this is what I wanted to say.She has given you the prefect suggestion.So what do you have to say about this ? Tell us we will discuss it further. Link to post Share on other sites
Pocky Posted March 21, 2005 Share Posted March 21, 2005 In my opinion, if you're in a relationship where you find that you want to break out of it to find yourself then you're not in the relationship you want to be in. As I've said before, there is a lot more to a relationship than just loving someone. You are in two different places in your life and it will be a while until you both can come to the same place. While four years is not a big deal when you're in your twenties or your thirties, it is a big deal when you've just entered the world as an adult and you're still discovering life. It's obvious that you have no intentions to hurt him and that you truly want to do what is right - I'm not going to question your motives. However, I think it needs to be pointed out that it doesn't make someone a bad person to walk away. It doesn't make someone a bad person to say to someone they love, "I'm not where I want to be. I'm not the person I want to be. You and I are in different places and I can't go back and you can't be pushed forward. I love you, you're wonderful, I've enjoyed the time we've spent together, but I need to move down a different road than you. I need to find my place and I don't feel my place is in this relationship." No one should be told to feel guilty because they ended a relationship they felt wasn't right for them. No one should compromise their own happiness simply because they may hurt someone else when they follow their own path. Loving someone does not bind you to them for eternity and it does not negate your right to your own needs and your own life. You are allowed to follow a different path. You are allowed to end a relationship when you want to and you are allowed to change your mind. Link to post Share on other sites
greenhorn Posted March 21, 2005 Share Posted March 21, 2005 Originally posted by Pocky No one should be told to feel guilty because they ended a relationship they felt wasn't right for them. No one should compromise their own happiness simply because they may hurt someone else when they follow their own path. Loving someone does not bind you to them for eternity and it does not negate your right to your own needs and your own life. You are allowed to follow a different path. You are allowed to end a relationship when you want to and you are allowed to change your mind. When there are 2 stakeholders then how can a decision taken unilaterally by 1 stakeholder be justified. Isn't this tantamount with playing with someone ? Isn't this feels like having a casual hi - hello thing..when you want you fall in love and when you want walk off ?? If only your needs are paramount then it is better to be alone in life. May be something is wrong with me, everyone in LS would agree with Pocky but I am finding it difficult. Link to post Share on other sites
Pocky Posted March 21, 2005 Share Posted March 21, 2005 Originally posted by greenhorn When there are 2 stakeholders then how can a decision taken unilaterally by 1 stakeholder be justified. Isn't this tantamount with playing with someone ? Isn't this feels like having a casual hi - hello thing..when you want you fall in love and when you want walk off ?? If only your needs are paramount then it is better to be alone in life. May be something is wrong with me, everyone in LS would agree with Pocky but I am finding it difficult. Relationships are a learning experience for everyone. Sometimes when you grow you grow apart. Sometimes when you grow you grow closer together. There is no way of knowing which way a relationship will go when you start it. People change with time. They change with age, they change with their environment and they change with their experiences. Sometimes, the relationships they're in don't change with them. Not everything in life is supposed to last a lifetime. It's unrealistic to think that when you enter a relationship as a young adult that that relationship will never end and will endure all changes in life. If she decides to end the relationship then she should discuss this with her boyfriend. Explain to him why she's unhappy and why she needs to move on. That is her obligation -to be honest, sincere and understanding when she tells him this. To make sure he understands why she made this decision so he can have closure and move on, too. Link to post Share on other sites
greenhorn Posted March 21, 2005 Share Posted March 21, 2005 Originally posted by Pocky If she decides to end the relationship then she should discuss this with her boyfriend. Explain to him why she's unhappy and why she needs to move on. That is her obligation -to be honest, sincere and understanding when she tells him this. To make sure he understands why she made this decision so he can have closure and move on, too. Yes atleast this will leave respect for her in his life forever only if the reason is sincere which in this case is. But whatever the guy would be hurt if he loved her truely. Link to post Share on other sites
Pocky Posted March 21, 2005 Share Posted March 21, 2005 Originally posted by greenhorn But whatever the guy would be hurt if he loved her truely. One should not expect to go through life never suffering a broken heart. It is the one experience that unites us with each other. Link to post Share on other sites
greenhorn Posted March 21, 2005 Share Posted March 21, 2005 Originally posted by Pocky One should not expect to go through life never suffering a broken heart. It is the one experience that unites us with each other. Yeah you are true but it hurts big time Link to post Share on other sites
blind_otter Posted March 21, 2005 Share Posted March 21, 2005 Originally posted by greenhorn When there are 2 stakeholders then how can a decision taken unilaterally by 1 stakeholder be justified. Isn't this tantamount with playing with someone ? Isn't this feels like having a casual hi - hello thing..when you want you fall in love and when you want walk off ?? If only your needs are paramount then it is better to be alone in life. May be something is wrong with me, everyone in LS would agree with Pocky but I am finding it difficult. So correct me if I'm wrong, but according to this logic, you should stay with the first person you fall in love with???? There would be some screwy relationships in this world, if this were so.... Link to post Share on other sites
Author Illusion24 Posted March 21, 2005 Author Share Posted March 21, 2005 It's obvious that you have no intentions to hurt him and that you truly want to do what is right - I'm not going to question your motives. However, I think it needs to be pointed out that it doesn't make someone a bad person to walk away. It doesn't make someone a bad person to say to someone they love, "I'm not where I want to be. I'm not the person I want to be. You and I are in different places and I can't go back and you can't be pushed forward. I love you, you're wonderful, I've enjoyed the time we've spent together, but I need to move down a different road than you. I need to find my place and I don't feel my place is in this relationship." You said it for me!!! Thanx Pocky really you do have a major point...I don't want to hurt him but I'm tired of putting my feelings aside for someone elses happiness...I shouldn't stay with him because he loves me I should stay with him because I love him...and to tell you the truth the love is different now...Now that I opened my eyes and realized, yes he's a great guy, he's handsome, he's funny, but he can't offer me what I want and what I want is to be ME...that's all and he needs to respect that Link to post Share on other sites
greenhorn Posted March 21, 2005 Share Posted March 21, 2005 Originally posted by blind_otter So correct me if I'm wrong, but according to this logic, you should stay with the first person you fall in love with???? There would be some screwy relationships in this world, if this were so.... No ..not this B_O but there should be some concrete reasons like one of them cheated or found someone more wealthy or famous, kind of these but for me it is quite frivolous that " I need space " , "I need to discover myself", I myself don't know what I want " If you are leaving someone for these reasons then according to me, these issues will be always come up in life irrespective of whom you are or where you are ? But I know that I am not correct in thinking this way, may be my personal experience has made me prejudiced. Link to post Share on other sites
greenhorn Posted March 21, 2005 Share Posted March 21, 2005 Originally posted by NeverSayNever but he can't offer me what I want and what I want is to be ME...that's all and he needs to respect that Good Luck , I wish you get in life what you are wishing for. Link to post Share on other sites
EC Posted March 21, 2005 Share Posted March 21, 2005 You said it for me!!! Thanx Pocky really you do have a major point...I don't want to hurt him but I'm tired of putting my feelings aside for someone elses happiness...I shouldn't stay with him because he loves me I should stay with him because I love him...and to tell you the truth the love is different now...Now that I opened my eyes and realized, yes he's a great guy, he's handsome, he's funny, but he can't offer me what I want and what I want is to ME...that's all and he needs to respect that Amen Sista! I wasn't happy and well it hurt like hell but I did what I had to do. I'm still a little sad but hey if it don't kill ya it will make ya stronger. Just analyze everything first. Your 24 right? I dont think you have time to settle. You have found something in your relationship that you have no control over and you need to moveon if you know in your heart that its not going to work out. I admire you more for your honesty in realizing that it wont work and that you will not continue to lead him on. Some women stay in relationships like that and never do anything about it and then b*tch and complain when their life is sh*t in the future. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Illusion24 Posted March 21, 2005 Author Share Posted March 21, 2005 I'm just wishing that I could possibly for once find someone who offers me what I need when I need it...I understand where you're coming from (greenhorn) but sometimes you have to live for yourself and not for others...I rather deal with my issues alone than put him through a rollercoaster ride with my emotions...it's not fair to him...he also has his whole life ahead of him Link to post Share on other sites
EC Posted March 21, 2005 Share Posted March 21, 2005 If you are leaving someone for these reasons then according to me, these issues will be always come up in life irrespective of whom you are or where you are ? Thats why I suggest leaving the person, figuring these things out about yourself and taking some time to yourself before entering in another relationship so that these same problems wont arise. Link to post Share on other sites
blind_otter Posted March 21, 2005 Share Posted March 21, 2005 Originally posted by greenhorn No ..not this B_O but there should be some concrete reasons like one of them cheated or found someone more wealthy or famous, kind of these but for me it is quite frivolous that " I need space " , "I need to discover myself", I myself don't know what I want " If you are leaving someone for these reasons then according to me, these issues will be always come up in life irrespective of whom you are or where you are ? But I know that I am not correct in thinking this way, may be my personal experience has made me prejudiced. Well I had no real reason for breaking up with my first boyfriend - but I was 17 when I started dating him and 8 years later I am a totally different person... From what you say, people aren't allowed to grow and change. Sometimes we change, and we change at different rates. Or hell, if I don't know what I want -- how is that fair, to keep someone chained to me when they could find someone who might cherish them and make them feel wonderful, if the best they can expect from me is me struggling to understand what's wrong with ME?!? Link to post Share on other sites
greenhorn Posted March 21, 2005 Share Posted March 21, 2005 Originally posted by blind_otter From what you say, people aren't allowed to grow and change. Sometimes we change, and we change at different rates. Or hell, if I don't know what I want -- how is that fair, to keep someone chained to me when they could find someone who might cherish them and make them feel wonderful, if the best they can expect from me is me struggling to understand what's wrong with ME?!? You have changed, you have grown up but what wrong did the other one did to get the hurt and pain.What I wish to say is that when you are so unsure about yourself then don't enter into relationship.Figure out what you want, who you are , who can give you all that you wish and when you got it then be with him.No one has right in this world to use others as guinea pig. Link to post Share on other sites
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