Just Separated, don't want to lose my wife

[MC85]

Hello everyone,

 

I am new to this forum and just found out about it. I'm on here to seek help on my broken marriage. I'm 29 and my wife is 27. I will try to keep this brief. We've been together for 10 years, and married for about 1 year and a half. Married in July 2013. Well it was a long journey with my wife and during the time we had some ups and downs, broke up couple times. But I made a difficult regretful mistake and had unprotected sex during a break up with two female escorts in different times, at this time I did not know the person's HIV status nor did she. I also did steroids but I'm not sure if thats the culprit. So for a while I did not know I had contracted HIV until later. This was years ago and as time went by my wife and I became stronger together and decided to get married and have a wedding. We went to a honeymoon to Aruba and had a fantastic time together. Unfortunately a month down the road I started experiencing some health issues, ear infection, rashes on my face. All that was treated, until I took a physical check up, full blood work from my primary doctor. Waited for results and the unexpected happened that I had contracted HIV and not only that but at a late stage AIDS. So I took everything very serious and got medical help and now I'm taking my regimen daily to improve my health. My wife got tested a couple times and she is negative good news.

 

So I had to break the news to my wife two months from our marriage. Around late September or early October I told my wife I had HIV and had to explain what happened. She was devastated and just couldn't believe it. But I didn't tell her every detail, because I was afraid to. So she became supportive at the beginning but then losing trust because I started lying about all the details, basically not exposing the full stories. So we talked it out and decided to immediately seek counseling. She started on her own first. Eventually we started couples counseling with the same therapist. Things were going very well and noticed during the year she was coping with our issues and it looked like we were going somewhere with this. I was happy and I tried my best to be there for her and do whatever I could to make her happy and supportive. Even though she still had little doubts or lack of trust she was trying to cope with.

 

Flashforward to Thanksgiving week. Early in the week we were doing just fine until Friday I noticed she started acting differently. She had scheduled to go out of town for the weekend with her friend at Atlantic City Casinos. She was leaving Friday night, and I had to work during the day through late at night. So I couldn't see her leave. I tried to kiss her before going to work and she had this very strange body language and didn't want to kiss me, she wasn't showing any loving emotions like I will miss you be back soon can't wait... So I let that go and she did not contact me but once through text message and thats all through the weekend. Sunday night I texted just saying how she's doing and can't wait to see her Monday. Monday she comes back late at night and notice that she doesn't come back with excitement, she came back talking on the phone with her sister or friend, almost like a typical day from work. But this was from a three day vacation and she doesn't show any emotions towards me like she misses me. So I got upset and asked her whats wrong but she said nothing. Tuesday is when she decided to break her news on her decision that she wants a divorce. Obviously I was in a panic, emotionally depressed crying. Begging and so forth. She told me that she wanted to be separated and wait a year to file for divorce. She was saying that it was over and she doesn't love me anymore. She was very cold in her attitude and it wasn't my wife anymore. She told me to move back to my parents...Wednesday morning I didn't know what to do I was angry sad and all these mixed emotions so I took my stuff and moved back with my parents without thinking. I came back the next day to have another talk with my wife, but in a more formal way, and she still had this decision made up. She says she doesn't love me the same way anymore, and that if she were to get back to me it would be just be for me to make me happy. She wants to be alone and seek happiness that way or look for a new partner in the future. Now going three days without any contact. I am not sure if what I did was right or wrong by moving out to my parents. And giving her what she wanted which is separation. Now thinking about it I believe we should have this moment of space from each other to think about our issues and hoping down the road she will come back. On the other hand I am afraid of losing my wife. I don't want a divorce and I don't want to end this relationship. I love my wife and so far I am very sad devastated and hard for me to accept this situation. I'm not sure if I should maintain a No contact separation or should I try something else. I am already seeking counseling again for myself at the moment. But I am really concerned on how to approach this right now. I don't want to lose my wife. Please help Thank you

[oldshirt]

The Force is telling me she was playing something more than the blackjack tables in Atlantic City. For her to suddenly turn that cold and determined indicates there is probably someone else in the picture. This may have been developing and in the planning stages for multiple months though so you may be way behind the eight ball and need to play some serious catch-up. I do think you kind of screwed the pooch by leaving when she asked you to. If she is the one that wants to dissolve the marriage and the one with somebody else on the side, you should hold your ground and stay in the marital home and she should be the one to leave. My question is why the one year separation until filing for divorce???? what is her angle on that?? if you don't know, I would highly recommend finding out ASAP. Does it have anything to do with any kind insurance coverage or death benefits or retirement accounts or social security of what?? My suggestion is to get a lawyer yesterday and start protecting your assets and circling your wagons. There's more taking place here than a wife losing interest in her marriage and hitting the road to find herself. There is more of master plan unfolding here.

[CarrieT]

I think your Spidey Sense is spot-on; she did something while she is away so she is pulling away.

 

By giving her a separation, you are giving her full permission to play around while you are on the back-burner, waiting and being a doormat. I predict it will not turn out well.

 

Consider "The 180" (easily google-able).

[MC85]

Oldshirt,

 

thanks for replying. I am not sure but to be honest I don't think it had anything to do with her seeking someone else at Atlantic City. She already planned ahead of time and did tell me about it. She went with her female Co worker, they are very close and do hang out often, I've met her and stuff. My wife said she spoke to her co worker this past weekend and told her about her situation with me. So it's her Co Worker's first time hearing about the news. I did ask her if she was seeing anyone or if this is about seeing someone else. She mentioned that it's not about seeking someone, she said she has no intentions to do so and she just had enough of this dilemma in our marriage. Now she is the owner of the place and the breadwinner, we don't share anything financially. There is nothing. Now it's hard to figure out what her plan is but so far this is what she wants. I am afraid of contacting her at the moment and I've already moved out so it's very hard for me make contact.

[MC85]

Her Wanting a separation is because we have to be apart for a year in order to divorce. That's why this is her decision on divorce.

 

I will be seeing her Monday to discuss more but she also agreed to do couples counseling again but this time it's not about saving marriage or anything it's about getting more disclosure on the situation, since this all happened abruptly this week. I will schedule counseling soon sometime this week. Hopefully I could get more information from her. I knew I made a mistake on moving out quickly but now it's done and all I have left is the counseling and hopefully I can learn more about her.

Edited December 7, 2014 by MC85

[GirlStillStrong]

I am very sorry this has happened to you and I hope you will continue to see a therapist individually. Note it should NOT be the same therapist who is your wife's individual therapist and your marriage counselor. It is inappropriate, and unethical, by the way, for the therapist to be both your wife's therapist and your marriage counselor.

 

I hope you do understand the psychology behind your wife being told you are HIV positive after marrying, and the circumstances behind how you contracted HIV. I am obviously not your wife but I am certain that being told these things has been threatening and traumatic for her. This issue may have caused irreperable damage.

 

I know you are afraid but in life, we grow by facing our fears head-on. To allow ourselves to succumb to fear (and in this case, as so many do, by becoming a sobbing, grovelling mess) is to invite that which we fear to come to fruition. Be strong in your demeanor with her, do not let her see you fall apart. Falling apart is for the therapist's office. She will begin to despise you if she sees you that way. See the 180, as suggested above. Remember, your life does not begin and end with your marriage, it begins and ends with YOU.

[MC85]

CarrieT and GirlStillStrong,

 

Well that was my thought through out the whole time when she told me about divorcing. How she maybe seeing someone else already. Since it all happened in a blink of an eye, it was like she had this all planned out ahead of time. Right now the way I feel is like I need to get as much information as I can. I'm just not satisfied letting go like this with very little info. But again I can't really jump to conclusions here and say she did see someone else, all I know she does hang out with her co worker often. She does like to do girls night outs with her.

 

I know I ruined the marriage when I found out about my HIV status. It's sad depressing and angers me all around. I understand I messed her up and she lost trust in me because of it. it's just that deep inside I feel there's still hope. But then I do understand that this maybe over. I still have the whole year to figure this out. So it's not officially over until divorce papers are signed. I know about the 180 strategy and that's what I was going for in the first place but I'm just not ready for it. I rather do couples counseling get this straight and then do the 180 just my opinion.

 

For the therapist, it is the same one but I will start seeing another one soon just for myself. I may continue seeing the same therapist just for couples counseling and see where that goes. I just don't want to give up. I want to hang on and see if there is a chance at this.

[No Limit]

But I didn't tell her every detail, because I was afraid to.

 

You infected her with one of the worst diseases of our time, and then lied some more.

 

Sorry but with characteristics like those your marriage never stood a chance. Just accept the fact that it's over, and don't hide your HIV state to other people you are going to have sexual contact with in the future. At the very least demand protected sex only.

Edited December 7, 2014 by No Limit

[MC85]

You infected her with one of the worst diseases of our time, and then lied some more.

 

Sorry but with characteristics like those your marriage never stood a chance. Just accept the fact that it's over, and don't hide your HIV state to other people you are going to have sexual contact with in the future. At the very least demand protected sex only.

 

I did not infect her with HIV if that's what you're saying. We stopped having sex immediately after I told her. She got tested several times and she's negative.

[Yasuandio]

You infected her with one of the worst diseases of our time, and then lied some more.

 

Sorry but with characteristics like those your marriage never stood a chance. Just accept the fact that it's over, and don't hide your HIV state to other people you are going to have sexual contact with in the future. At the very least demand protected sex only.

 

Same difference, OP. After having the Unprotected sex wih Escorts, the, too, whatever steriod implementation might have been a contribution to your hidious HIV state offairs, it was on you to get yourself tested AFTER these poor judgments. Instead, you put your wife's life on the line.

 

BTW. She may test negative now. Sometimes tests do not come with accuate results early on. Sometimes tests make errors. I wouldn't bet my pinky finger on any test. Some people didn't find they had HIV for ten years, show no symtoms. I'm no medical doctor. But it doesn't takd a genus to be concerned about sex with HIV/Aids infected person - negative test or not. It is possible for one to show up for a simple dental procedure and get dead in a few months from an infected denist (who has lived on and on with the desease). I would be scared whitless if I were her.

 

It ain't over. Your infected fluids in her body time and time again? Don't be thinking about you sad feelings right now. That is selfish. Im sorry for death sentence to this illness. However, the news and culture has been completely informed for almost 3 decades on this matter.

 

Get your priorities straight, in my opinion. This ain't about you anymore. This ain't about your marriage anymore. This is about life and survival of the deadliest deseases of our lifetimes, as stated by No Limit. Furthermore, it is the easiest desease NOT TO catch. So easy, yet, all for an orgasm, a life of agony and certain death, sheesh. Then, after one poor choice, a check up? They used to require such before a mariage licence was issued. What happened. Oh dear.

 

Bottom line, your wife health, here on out, is only concern. This test she had mean zero. I hope this gives you a "paradigm shift," and you can refocus on the new life that is going to happen. Im so sorry. Yas

Edited December 7, 2014 by Yasuandio

[Yasuandio]

Sorry, double post.

Edited December 7, 2014 by Yasuandio

[MC85]

Same difference, OP. After having the Unprotected sex wih Escorts, the, too, whatever steriod implementation might have been a contribution to your hidious HIV state offairs, it was on you to get yourself tested AFTER these poor judgments. Instead, you put your wife's life on the line.

 

BTW. She may test negative now. Sometimes tests do not come with accuate results early on. Sometimes tests make errors. I wouldn't bet my pinky finger on any test. Some people didn't find they had HIV for ten years, show no symtoms. I'm no medical doctor. But it doesn't takd a genus to be concerned about sex with HIV/Aids infected person - negative test or not. It is possible for one to show up for a simple dental procedure and get dead in a few months from an infected denist (who has lived on and on with the desease). I would be scared whitless if I were her.

 

It ain't over. Your infected fluids in her body time and time again? Don't be thinking about you sad feelings right now. That is selfish. Im sorry for death sentence to this illness. However, the news and culture has been completely informed for almost 3 decades on this matter.

 

Get your priorities straight, in my opinion. This ain't about you anymore. This ain't about your marriage anymore. This is about life and survival of the deadliest deseases of our lifetimes, as stated by No Limit. Furthermore, it is the easiest desease NOT TO catch. So easy, yet, all for an orgasm, a life of agony and certain death, sheesh. Then, after one poor choice, a check up? They used to require such before a mariage licence was issued. What happened. Oh dear.

 

Bottom line, your wife health, here on out, is only concern. This test she had mean zero. I hope this gives you a "paradigm shift," and you can refocus on the new life that is going to happen. Im so sorry. Yas

 

 

She's taken an RNA test which is even more advanced than a regular test. She's taken that specific test 3 times now every three months. The last time We had unprotected sex was in July 2013 then August was protected. Before marriage we held off sex for a few months, it was a compromise. So since July 13 it takes approximately 6 months to confirm hiv status. After six months if negative it's guaranteed you're negative. So it's been a year and something and she's still negative her chances are zero infection. I did get tested after those incidents but did not continue to do so and that's where I made my mistake. It never crossed my mind I'd get infected with HIV.

 

I had AIDS when I told her and first found out after the results. Now I'm HIV undetectable since I been taking my meds. AIDS is when immune system is destroyed and opportunistic infections occur, which I had before I got tested. My cd4 count was 124 at first. Anything under 200 CD4 count is considered AIDS. Now I have 500 something so I'm undetectable and very unlikely to infect or pass the virus to any one else. There are ways to still have sex one is protected and the other is Negative person has to take PREP pill which will protect them from the virus. Also she could still have a baby naturally while on the PREP Pill or go the expensive method sperm washing.

 

If I contracted the HIV virus through blood transfusion other method than unprotected sex. She wouldn't be in this situation right now.

It's sad to see how you can say AIDS is a death sentence when today it's no longer the case because of the improved and always evolving medicines available to treat HIV postive people. It is just like someone with diabetes who has to rely on a cocktail medicine everyday.

[beach]

So you risk giving your W AIDS and she is the one earning the bigger money in the marriage?

 

Can you think of reasons why she might be motivated to stay married to you now?

[GirlStillStrong]

It never crossed my mind I'd get infected with HIV.

EXACTLY.

 

You really should think about this.

[MC85]

So you risk giving your W AIDS and she is the one earning the bigger money in the marriage?

 

Can you think of reasons why she might be motivated to stay married to you now?

 

Well we were financially even at first but few months ago my contract ended so I'm on unemployment benefits and a part time job temporarily.

[dreamingoftigers]

You don't get it.

 

You really don't.

 

This isn't about "well disease A is a lot less deadly now and she's been tested. I know that me getting disease A screwed things up a little."

 

It's the fact that to most women what you did is the equivalent to being an S L U T to a guy.

 

Hard fact. But true.

 

Most women find men who pay for sex to be repugnant and find the act repugnant.

Most women have at least some kind of emotional twitching during, prior or after sex with a partner. You have a business transaction. Even when we have a fling its like "Eduardo helped me escape the pain of lonliness and feel like a woman again."

 

You have, " bigger tip for no condom." Gross.

We hear all the time how men are not as "emotionally connected through sex" abd we accept that to have realationships. We TOLERATE that. We don't love it or celebrate it. It isn't "just sex" to most of us.

 

And one of those whores left their mark permanently IN YOU.

 

What fun.

 

So right after she gets married, hoping to embark on a brand new life with her longtime love, she finds out he's a lying, put-his-dick-in-whatever, who exchanges wallet for vagina, has risked her life for it and lied about it. And still, in front of a forum of perfect strangers, minimizes it and how she must be feeling.

 

Advances in medicine be damned.

You might feel a lot of shame or fear about it but clearly SHE doesn't feel okay with the triple betrayal and disrespect.

 

TRIPLE BETRAYAL.

What exactly are your expectations from her?

You expect her to still be a grade-A wife?

You signed her up for a life of getting tested because you paid for p****.

Tell us how long you would have stuck around if she paid some guy to put hus sperm in her unprotected, married you, without bein tested, risked your life, turned out to be infected and LIED about the whole thing?

 

She was probably scared as Hell. And i am willing to bet that neither one of you knew about the "fantastic advances in HIV/AIDS care" until after you were diagnosed.

 

As sorry as I am that you have it. I really truly am..... I do not feel sorry that she wants to leave after being sold such a dangerous lie.

She's taken an RNA test which is even more advanced than a regular test. She's taken that specific test 3 times now every three months. The last time We had unprotected sex was in July 2013 then August was protected. Before marriage we held off sex for a few months, it was a compromise. So since July 13 it takes approximately 6 months to confirm hiv status. After six months if negative it's guaranteed you're negative. So it's been a year and something and she's still negative her chances are zero infection. I did get tested after those incidents but did not continue to do so and that's where I made my mistake. It never crossed my mind I'd get infected with HIV.

 

I had AIDS when I told her and first found out after the results. Now I'm HIV undetectable since I been taking my meds. AIDS is when immune system is destroyed and opportunistic infections occur, which I had before I got tested. My cd4 count was 124 at first. Anything under 200 CD4 count is considered AIDS. Now I have 500 something so I'm undetectable and very unlikely to infect or pass the virus to any one else. There are ways to still have sex one is protected and the other is Negative person has to take PREP pill which will protect them from the virus. Also she could still have a baby naturally while on the PREP Pill or go the expensive method sperm washing.

 

If I contracted the HIV virus through blood transfusion other method than unprotected sex. She wouldn't be in this situation right now.

It's sad to see how you can say AIDS is a death sentence when today it's no longer the case because of the improved and always evolving medicines available to treat HIV postive people. It is just like someone with diabetes who has to rely on a cocktail medicine everyday.

[MC85]

EXACTLY.

 

You really should think about this.

 

Yeah I don't think anyone on here understands what I'm going through right now I maybe wrong. I made a regretful mistake and with that comes along hiv infection and now divorce and losing my wife. I wanted to have a child, a family. With all this weight its putting a big toll emotionally. I sometimes have feelings of ending my life. Yeah anyone can easily talk about manning up or whatever. I am very sensitive and weak it's very hard for me and my W. I'm just having hopes all this will be ok but I'm very scared losing a friend of 10 years.

[MC85]

You don't get it.

 

You really don't.

 

This isn't about "well disease A is a lot less deadly now and she's been tested. I know that me getting disease A screwed things up a little."

 

It's the fact that to most women what you did is the equivalent to being an S L U T to a guy.

 

Hard fact. But true.

 

Most women find men who pay for sex to be repugnant and find the act repugnant.

Most women have at least some kind of emotional twitching during, prior or after sex with a partner. You have a business transaction. Even when we have a fling its like "Eduardo helped me escape the pain of lonliness and feel like a woman again."

 

You have, " bigger tip for no condom." Gross.

We hear all the time how men are not as "emotionally connected through sex" abd we accept that to have realationships. We TOLERATE that. We don't love it or celebrate it. It isn't "just sex" to most of us.

 

And one of those whores left their mark permanently IN YOU.

 

What fun.

 

So right after she gets married, hoping to embark on a brand new life with her longtime love, she finds out he's a lying, put-his-dick-in-whatever, who exchanges wallet for vagina, has risked her life for it and lied about it. And still, in front of a forum of perfect strangers, minimizes it and how she must be feeling.

 

Advances in medicine be damned.

You might feel a lot of shame or fear about it but clearly SHE doesn't feel okay with the triple betrayal and disrespect.

 

TRIPLE BETRAYAL.

What exactly are your expectations from her?

You expect her to still be a grade-A wife?

You signed her up for a life of getting tested because you paid for p****.

Tell us how long you would have stuck around if she paid some guy to put hus sperm in her unprotected, married you, without bein tested, risked your life, turned out to be infected and LIED about the whole thing?

 

She was probably scared as Hell. And i am willing to bet that neither one of you knew about the "fantastic advances in HIV/AIDS care" until after you were diagnosed.

 

As sorry as I am that you have it. I really truly am..... I do not feel sorry that she wants to leave after being sold such a dangerous lie.

 

From your perspective I understand and do think that way. It's just that now I'm facing the reality of losing a marriage based on my actions I committed. Your response doesn't make me any stronger but to go back being angry at myself and just depressed and willing end myself. I'm just lost seeking for help and don't have many people to talk to but therapist. Your response makes me think more that I'm a s l u t and deserved getting the disease. Almost like saying God punished me for this. If there is a god anyway I wouldn't respect him obey him or anything.

 

My wife had an incident before where she cheated on me and unprotected. I guess that makes us two whores then. It's stupid but I seemed revenge and here I am. But some how we made through and married.

Edited December 7, 2014 by MC85

[dreamingoftigers]

Yeah I don't think anyone on here understands what I'm going through right now I maybe wrong. I made a regretful mistake and with that comes along hiv infection and now divorce and losing my wife. I wanted to have a child, a family. With all this weight its putting a big toll emotionally. I sometimes have feelings of ending my life. Yeah anyone can easily talk about manning up or whatever. I am very sensitive and weak it's very hard for me and my W. I'm just having hopes all this will be ok but I'm very scared losing a friend of 10 years.

 

okay. I guess my previous response would not be considered helpful to you.

 

I had thought that you hsd not realized the emotional ramifucations for your wife.

 

But it's clear that you may or may not be able to see them right now.

 

Either way, where you are is quite lonely.

 

first things: I strongly sugg

[dreamingoftigers]

okay. I guess my previous response would not be considered helpful to you.

 

I had thought that you hsd not realized the emotional ramifucations for your wife.

 

But it's clear that you may or may not be able to see them right now.

 

Either way, where you are is quite lonely.

 

first things: I strongly sugg

 

whoops, I prematurely posted. LOL.

 

I have an internal glitch where my first instinct is to reach out for people in a sexual way to combat fear and lonliness.

 

I had the privilege of figuring it out at 17.I say priviliege because I realized it could kul whayever relationship I got into . The best way for me to combat that is by taking care of myself in the emotional sense.

 

You came here instead of calling an escort which is a good first change.

 

I know that may sound condescending but I am serious.

I recently went through a separation and found myself calling my bishop late at night to avoid going out to seek some strange.

 

Am I proud that I have that glitch? No. But the way that I handled it is better than the alternative.

 

Hiking worked well for me. Any kind of working out really helped.

 

It will also help the repair potentialf there is any.

[dreamingoftigers]

From your perspective I understand and do think that way. It's just that now I'm facing the reality of losing a marriage based on my actions I committed. Your response doesn't make me any stronger but to go back being angry at myself and just depressed and willing end myself. I'm just lost seeking for help and don't have many people to talk to but therapist. Your response makes me think more that I'm a s l u t and deserved getting the disease. Almost like saying God punished me for this. If there is a god anyway I wouldn't respect him obey him or anything.

 

My wife had an incident before where she cheated on me and unprotected. I guess that makes us two whores then. It's stupid but I seemed revenge and here I am. But some how we made through and married.

 

I was actually posting as you posted this to me

I should have known a little better than to be so ahem

miltant in my first post

 

My husband (and most people who have done sonething sexually that they quite when confronted. regret) often avoid it, try to cover it, feel great shame abd consider ending themselves)

 

 

Its more common than you think and less common than people talk about.

 

Sorry if the sentences appear disjointed/spelling errors/punctuation.

 

My phone is particularly awful to post on.

[beach]

So you risk giving your W AIDS and she is the one earning the bigger money in the marriage?

 

Can you think of reasons why she might be motivated to stay married to you now?

 

Well we were financially even at first but few months ago my contract ended so I'm on unemployment benefits and a part time job temporarily.

 

Can you answer the question - because I see you moved away for answering at all.

[MC85]

Can you answer the question - because I see you moved away for answering at all.

 

Unfortunately I can't change her force her to love me make her love me or anything. The reality is she right now doesn't want me, because of all this painful betrayal. It's all up to her how she wants this to end. Now I'm just in more shock this may very well be over. Most importantly I have to focus on myself but it's not an easy task beyond the fact I'm HIV and on the verge losing a marriage. I guess I just have to let it go, if she comes back then so be it.

[dreamingoftigers]

Unfortunately I can't change her force her to love me make her love me or anything. The reality is she right now doesn't want me, because of all this painful betrayal. It's all up to her how she wants this to end. Now I'm just in more shock this may very well be over. Most importantly I have to focus on myself but it's not an easy task beyond the fact I'm HIV and on the verge losing a marriage. I guess I just have to let it go, if she comes back then so be it.

 

whats the last conversation you had with her?

 

and what are her life goals/dreams?

[beach]

It's possible and reasonable to think that your marital goals no longer line up.

 

Yes, IF she wants the M to end then respect that and grant her that wish willingly.