Just Separated, don't want to lose my wife

[GirlStillStrong]

Yeah I don't think anyone on here understands what I'm going through right now I maybe wrong. I made a regretful mistake and with that comes along hiv infection and now divorce and losing my wife. I wanted to have a child, a family. With all this weight its putting a big toll emotionally. I sometimes have feelings of ending my life. Yeah anyone can easily talk about manning up or whatever. I am very sensitive and weak it's very hard for me and my W. I'm just having hopes all this will be ok but I'm very scared losing a friend of 10 years.

 

No, I cannot understand what you are going through; I can only imagine. I don't think anyone can understand unless they have gone through it too. I hope you will seek out an AIDS support group. I am sorry. It was not my point to make you feel bad or beat yourself up about it. My point is, you made decisions that are threatening your very existence and have completely changed the course of your, and your loved ones, lives, without thinking before you acted. You did not weigh the consequences of your actions. This should be a huge wake-up call for you but I still don't hear you waking up.

 

I think you need to stop worrying about your wife and what she is doing and start addressing your own issues. I know men well and can predict you are going to make this split about your hurt feelings, what you're going to do without her, how badly you feel, everything you've lost, saving your marriage, getting your wife back, won't she ever forgive you, etc and completely IGNORE your self and your own growth as a person.

[Almond_Joy]

OP, I understand you still love her, and that you regret what you did. But some things cannot be rebuilt from. Exposing someone to a life-threatening incurable disease is one of those things.

 

Your wife tried to make this work when many other women would have already left. But if she says she's done, I think you should put your desires aside and give her this separation and divorce. I mean....so much of what you did that brought this situation about says to me that you were irresponsible and selfish.

 

Use the separation time to really get some good counseling for yourself. The lying and recklessness are personal issues that you need to fix ASAP. That should be your priority right now. I know this sounds cruel but in light of what you've done here I don't think your wife should give a damn what you want. She loves and respects herself enough to know that she can be with someone honest and responsible and have a family. If you love her that much let her go. Asking her to stay after what you've done just sounds unbelievably selfish.

 

Once you've sorted yourself out you can find someone else to have a relationship with.

[GirlStillStrong]

From your perspective I understand and do think that way. It's just that now I'm facing the reality of losing a marriage based on my actions I committed. Your response doesn't make me any stronger but to go back being angry at myself and just depressed and willing end myself. I'm just lost seeking for help and don't have many people to talk to but therapist. Your response makes me think more that I'm a s l u t and deserved getting the disease. Almost like saying God punished me for this. If there is a god anyway I wouldn't respect him obey him or anything.

 

My wife had an incident before where she cheated on me and unprotected. I guess that makes us two whores then. It's stupid but I seemed revenge and here I am. But some how we made through and married.

 

You don't deserve to be sick. As you know, it's a virus. There are viruses everywhere. That is just puritanical and weird that anyone would even THINK that another person "deserves" a virus.

 

God is NOT punishing you and anyone who thinks that way really needs to rethink their religion. My God is a loving God and does not want to see people suffer.

[No Limit]

It's sad to see how you can say AIDS is a death sentence when today it's no longer the case because of the improved and always evolving medicines available to treat HIV postive people. It is just like someone with diabetes who has to rely on a cocktail medicine everyday.

 

This is individual. A person with already damaged health or immune system for example will have his or her lifespan reduced greatly, at best.

 

I'm sorry this happened to you, and I'm sorry your wife left. But ultimately, as other posters already wrote, some things just can't be undone. I guess if HIV could be cured she wouldn't have left, but you were unlucky I'm afraid. Did she ever talk about wanting children? Getting those with you without getting infected is very unlikely, perhaps that's a factor that made her leave.

[MC85]

This is individual. A person with already damaged health or immune system for example will have his or her lifespan reduced greatly, at best.

 

I'm sorry this happened to you, and I'm sorry your wife left. But ultimately, as other posters already wrote, some things just can't be undone. I guess if HIV could be cured she wouldn't have left, but you were unlucky I'm afraid. Did she ever talk about wanting children? Getting those with you without getting infected is very unlikely, perhaps that's a factor that made her leave.

 

Of course she talked about kids while this was happening. My doctor explained how it's still possible to have children if she took the Prep pill and I maintain undetectable levels.

[MC85]

whats the last conversation you had with her?

 

and what are her life goals/dreams?

 

Last conversation before this happened or after? Her dreams were to travel and work at a different country As a teacher or something. She wanted me to come along I agreed.

[dreamingoftigers]

You don't deserve to be sick. As you know, it's a virus. There are viruses everywhere. That is just puritanical and weird that anyone would even THINK that another person "deserves" a virus.

 

God is NOT punishing you and anyone who thinks that way really needs to rethink their religion. My God is a loving God and does not want to see people suffer.

 

Thanks for posting that.

 

I had to learn the nice way that God was not waiting for me to fail in order to reject and punish me.

 

God invests in us and wants us to draw near to him.

[MC85]

OP, I understand you still love her, and that you regret what you did. But some things cannot be rebuilt from. Exposing someone to a life-threatening incurable disease is one of those things.

 

Your wife tried to make this work when many other women would have already left. But if she says she's done, I think you should put your desires aside and give her this separation and divorce. I mean....so much of what you did that brought this situation about says to me that you were irresponsible and selfish.

 

Use the separation time to really get some good counseling for yourself. The lying and recklessness are personal issues that you need to fix ASAP. That should be your priority right now. I know this sounds cruel but in light of what you've done here I don't think your wife should give a damn what you want. She loves and respects herself enough to know that she can be with someone honest and responsible and have a family. If you love her that much let her go. Asking her to stay after what you've done just sounds unbelievably selfish.

 

Once you've sorted yourself out you can find someone else to have a relationship with.

 

It does sound cruel and it's something I hear everywhere unfortunately. I just ask myself why give up something that has been growing so much. It's like moving on is the only way out. I still have hope in saving the marriage or possibly down the road she will change her mind. All I'm going to do is seek couples counseling one last chance so either I can move on or I don't know. I will continue to go to a therapist. My heart is broken and this forum all it did was lose my hope. I'm angry sad all over again, I don't know how long this pain will last but it's eating me

[dreamingoftigers]

Last conversation before this happened or after? Her dreams were to travel and work at a different country As a teacher or something. She wanted me to come along I agreed.

 

The most recent coversation.

[whichwayisup]

If I contracted the HIV virus through blood transfusion other method than unprotected sex. She wouldn't be in this situation right now.

 

Completely different situations, don't even go there. One is putting yourself at risk by having unprotected sex with escorts, and the other getting infected by a sad and unfortunate mistake, tainted blood.

 

Sadly you may not like her decision to walk away. But she has the right to.

 

Stay well.

[Yasuandio]

She's taken an RNA test which is even more advanced than a regular test. She's taken that specific test 3 times now every three months. The last time We had unprotected sex was in July 2013 then August was protected. Before marriage we held off sex for a few months, it was a compromise. So since July 13 it takes approximately 6 months to confirm hiv status. After six months if negative it's guaranteed you're negative. So it's been a year and something and she's still negative her chances are zero infection. I did get tested after those incidents but did not continue to do so and that's where I made my mistake. It never crossed my mind I'd get infected with HIV.

 

I had AIDS when I told her and first found out after the results. Now I'm HIV undetectable since I been taking my meds. AIDS is when immune system is destroyed and opportunistic infections occur, which I had before I got tested. My cd4 count was 124 at first. Anything under 200 CD4 count is considered AIDS. Now I have 500 something so I'm undetectable and very unlikely to infect or pass the virus to any one else. There are ways to still have sex one is protected and the other is Negative person has to take PREP pill which will protect them from the virus. Also she could still have a baby naturally while on the PREP Pill or go the expensive method sperm washing.

 

If I contracted the HIV virus through blood transfusion other method than unprotected sex. She wouldn't be in this situation right now.

It's sad to see how you can say AIDS is a death sentence when today it's no longer the case because of the improved and always evolving medicines available to treat HIV postive people. It is just like someone with diabetes who has to rely on a cocktail medicine everyday.

 

So what.

 

I'm still not convinced. I dont care if it is RNA, DNA, TRO Test. Your body fludies have a Life Theatening issue no matter what "COCK-TAIL Medicines" are available. Diabetes. Yeah, right. Is that the "NEW AIDS?" Is that what one will minimize this desease now to, diabetes, are you kidding? Im in the LS red zone, or else, I might not be so charming. Here are a couple facts.

 

You, yourself, (and your doctors), knew nothing until you (and your doctors) knew something. Doctors, tests, measurements, medications, and individual's anatomy and history, etc., not always consistent predictors in medical field/industry, especially with regards to HIV, AIDS, and DIABETES for that matter.

 

You never know what will happen to your wife's body chemistry in the future. Her immune system could weaken, and a latent HIV cell could show up ten years from now. It is possible. If your experts claim it is not possible at all, according to their whatever tests, I would reallly be worried, at how sure they are of themselves. Your experts do not KNOW what the 2 of you have done together with your bodies - they have no way of knowing who, what, when, and/or where. I dont care if you just swapped spit, infected body fluid is not a good substance to get into your system, period.

 

Im glad to read and learn of this "the new aids arrogence," personally. And I thank you for educating me. Big wake-up call for us newly single girls and guys, in new modern society, Holy Mackerel.

 

You completely missed the point of my post, obviously. Cause, you are focused on yourself, which I understand would be an absolute necessity when you have HIV/AIDS/DIABITIC-TYPE ILLNESS.

 

My point was.....Please think about your wife's life and what SHE wants, leave her alone. Do everything it takes to forward her exit from you, cooperatively. That is what Im trying to suggest to you. Make this offer in good faith, follow though, let go. It is going to happen no matter what, anyway. That does not take a fortune teller. Let her leave with dignity (hers and yours).

 

Turn the situation around. You would do the same exact thing as she is doing - you would want out, since it is early on. She did not sign up for this one. And there is no blood transfusion confusion. Nope. Even if it was a medical blood HIV transfusion disaster, I would excuse her from the marriage, in this early stage.

 

And forget about what you want. You are a lucky man to be alive. That is good enough. That ix GOD looking after you, And hopefully your wife, God has protected her, by some MIRICLE, from you fluids. I am praying on my knees for your wife this moment, that her body is truely ridden of the infected cells. And I pray for your insight and future health, and no one receive any harm from your illness. Again, I am so sorry this happened to you, and, as always, my posts on LS are submitted in good faith, and intended as best advice I can give (especially a situation I feel compelled to speak out on). Call me any type fanatic you want. Yas

 

PS MC85. Try to see the greatest gift you have already been given. That is your treatment, and what you ukltimately describe as some sort of cure. You are looking for HOPE on LS, this is your hope, granted already. Now, look to how you can GIVE BACK, after receiving a gift of life through outstanding treatment that many do not have opportunity to have. That is your answer to the dispair you have expresed to Almond. Do not dispair. There is a kind, and generous act before you to accomplish. LS is showing you this proper method/lens. Try and see it, even if you dont like it.

Edited December 7, 2014 by Yasuandio

[MC85]

So what.

 

I'm still not convinced. I dont care if it is RNA, DNA, TRO Test. Your body fludies have a Life Theatening issue no matter what "COCK-TAIL Medicines" are available. Diabetes. Yeah, right. Is that the "NEW AIDS?" Is that what one will minimize this desease now to, diabetes, are you kidding? Im in the LS red zone, or else, I might not be so charming. Here are a couple facts.

 

You, yourself, (and your doctors), knew nothing until you (and your doctors) knew something. Doctors, tests, measurements, medications, and individual's anatomy and history, etc., not always consistent predictors in medical field/industry, especially with regards to HIV, AIDS, and DIABETES for that matter.

 

You never know what will happen to your wife's body chemistry in the future. Her immune system could weaken, and a latent HIV cell could show up ten years from now. It is possible. If your experts claim it is not possible at all, according to their whatever tests, I would reallly be worried, at how sure they are of themselves. Your experts do not KNOW what the 2 of you have done together with your bodies - they have no way of knowing who, what, when, and/or where. I dont care if you just swapped spit, infected body fluid is not a good substance to get into your system, period.

 

Im glad to read and learn of this "the new aids arrogence," personally. And I thank you for educating me. Big wake-up call for us newly single girls and guys, in new modern society, Holy Mackerel.

 

You completely missed the point of my post, obviously. Cause, you are focused on yourself, which I understand would be an absolute necessity when you have HIV/AIDS/DIABITIC-TYPE ILLNESS.

 

My point was.....Please think about your wife's life and what SHE wants, leave her alone. Do everything it takes to forward her exit from you, cooperatively. That is what Im trying to suggest to you. Make this offer in good faith, follow though, let go. It is going to happen no matter what, anyway. That does not take a fortune teller. Let her leave with dignity (hers and yours).

 

Turn the situation around. You would do the same exact thing as she is doing - you would want out, since it is early on. She did not sign up for this one. And there is no blood transfusion confusion. Nope. Even if it was a medical blood HIV transfusion disaster, I would excuse her from the marriage, in this early stage.

 

And forget about what you want. You are a lucky man to be alive. That is good enough. That ix GOD looking after you, And hopefully your wife, God has protected her, by some MIRICLE, from you fluids. I am praying on my knees for your wife this moment, that her body is truely ridden of the infected cells. And I pray for your insight and future health, and no one receive any harm from your illness. Again, I am so sorry this happened to you, and, as always, my posts on LS are submitted in good faith, and intended as best advice I can give (especially a situation I feel compelled to speak out on). Call me any type fanatic you want. Yas

 

PS MC85. Try to see the greatest gift you have already been given. That is your treatment, and what you ukltimately describe as some sort of cure. You are looking for HOPE on LS, this is your hope, granted already. Now, look to how you can GIVE BACK, after receiving a gift of life through outstanding treatment that many do not have opportunity to have. That is your answer to the dispair you have expresed to Almond. Do not dispair. There is a kind, and generous act before you to accomplish. LS is showing you this proper method/lens. Try and see it, even if you dont like it.

 

Well I appreciate your advice on this. It's just hard to take all that in at the moment. Being heart broken is a real injury and really takes a toll on anyone. I don't want to make this thread all about HIV, I'm not trying to glorify it. I just disagree with your stance on HIV and medical aspect about it that's all. I just think you need to do more research on the subject.

 

I'm giving my wife what she wants the separation, the decision she currently made. I just disagree with her and I stand on saving the marriage but again there is no magic wand or trick to make it happen. It all depends on her. Deep inside I want her back...

[MC85]

The most recent coversation.

 

Most recent conversation was a text message, since I brought up the idea of going back to couple's counseling, she want's to talk to me about it. So she texted me if I could meet up with her tomorrow at 7:30 at a Starbucks. I will try to keep that brief and see where that goes. She agreed to go with me, but she thinks it's for closure and ending it good. But I'm going so I can get more disclosure from this situation. I just feel like couples counseling would me realize what decisions I should make myself I don't know. Since she made all this happen so quickly I feel I deserve to know more before I move on or whatever.

 

Before that was on Wednesday talked about the issue between us and so forth. The same day I moved out.

[GirlStillStrong]

It does sound cruel and it's something I hear everywhere unfortunately. I just ask myself why give up something that has been growing so much. It's like moving on is the only way out. I still have hope in saving the marriage or possibly down the road she will change her mind. All I'm going to do is seek couples counseling one last chance so either I can move on or I don't know. I will continue to go to a therapist. My heart is broken and this forum all it did was lose my hope. I'm angry sad all over again, I don't know how long this pain will last but it's eating me

 

Mr MC85, I have been angry and sad my entire life. For many reasons, some quite horrible, some incurable. It is easy to give up. But what makes life so beautiful is that it is imperfect. And those things that are the most horrible are the things that challenge us and provide us the opportunity to grow. So while you lament the "loss" of "your" wife, you are missing such important life lessons. The greatest one, which I see here so often (and I've only been on this site two or three weeks), is that so many people actually believe that by marrying someone, that person becomes "yours," that you somehow own or possess them and they somehow own or possess you. "Your" wife actually is not yours, and she never was. People may choose to walk some part of this journey with us but it was always just a choice, and was always temporary. Nothing is forever. Learning to let go of a person or a relationship in reality is only learning to let go of the idea that you can ever really own or possess anything.

[Yasuandio]

MC85, this morning, I am reading outstanding advice on your thread, especially, Girlstillstrong concluding comments last evening.

 

All of us understand the loss of a relationship in ghis forum, for whatever reason. We also, at varying rates of pace, come torealize we have no control of anyone's choices other than our own. We cannot make someone love us, or stay by our side if they desire to leave.

 

what you do have control ove is your own actions. And for every action, often there is a reaction, whether you know it or not - sometimes, the Universe itself, might demonstrate this reaction to you in some abstract way.

 

MC85, if you could cross over, and have that "paradigm shift," in your head; suddenly see that this situation is not about you, the desease, marriage, standing for said, nor defensiveness - and LET GO, open your eyes, and realize your mission might be to GIVE A GIFT OF FREEDOM, no strings attached, allow your hand to unfold, and let the bird fly freely where ever she flies, THIS COULD BE A SALVATION for you.

 

It is only up to you to re-define your mission as such. It is an equasion, essentially. Trade PRIDE (your "wants," your "me/entitlement" perspective) for COMPLETE HUMBLENESS. [You are in chare, you ccan define what your pride will be - a huge baloon floating around that anyone can pop, or a tiny steel ball in your pocket that noone can see (quote H. McDonald)]. Just let go of the baloon, and let it fly away, for good. No more talk, explanation; no more convincing, persuading, coaxing; no more defending, argueing your side. Can you see how much easier this road might be?

 

In the mission, you could, as stated before, give the ultimate gift to you wife, asking for NOTHING IN RETURN. I challenge you to be this most honorable person. To lay aside your arguements and reasonings to "stand by the marriage." And most imoortantly, to lay aside the guilt mechanisms that you have conjored when encounted with a disagreement with your point of view for these will only cause your wife more mental anguish as she enivitable cuts the chain from you.

 

The worst guilt mechanism I observered herein, reading this morning, I will tell you directly, is the comments that you might "off yourself," when posters are giving you their honest views. After analysis of your abitility to to defend your position, and the level of you self-absorbtion, within that context, I really view such comments as a terrotistic threat. I warn you NOT TO use that strategy on your wife. If you are indeed considering suicide, it id time to see a mental health advisor, or an emergency room. Those kind of remarks are highly manipulative at best, and severely concerning at worst. Either way, you propensity to even utter such a suggestion should be complete evidence to you that you are not in any way, shape, or form ready for a marriage or a family. As another poster stated, YOU MUST WORK ON HEALING YOURSELF FIRST.

 

A final point, there is no excuse in my book for passing this desease around, and unprotected sex without at least a check-up afterwards. Nothing you can do about it now, the cows already left the barn. However, I would not try to say, hey, 'my wife had unprotected sex, so it was a revenge.' That sounds like really bas-ackwards thinking. Your wife got lucky, that's all. Your wife's conduct doesn't make it ok for the results of your conduct.

 

Please, I hope you can see some good advice in my comments here, and find some wisdom on LS. This is a wonderful community. I did not like what was told to me initially either. But noone does. I have come a long way by taking good advice, finally. I understand more than you think. I have an incurable disability myself. Mental illness carries some heavy duty sigmas as well, so I get it. Again, I am hoping God helps you to gain insight from our forum. Best regards, in good fath, Yas

[No Limit]

I dont care if you just swapped spit, infected body fluid is not a good substance to get into your system, period.

 

Just going to intervene for a moment; HIV can't be transmitted through all body fluids. While the virus can sometimes be detected in spittle, urine, feces, sweat and tear fluids, the number is too small for an infection.

 

The only 2 fluids with high numbers are blood and sperm/vagina fluids, and even with sperm the risk of infecting can be reduced during oral sex by keeping it in the mouth for a few moments instead of swallowing (spitting it out works too of course). Blood needs a direct way into the body, otherwise infection is also impossible because the skin is a perfect barrier.

 

Sorry if this seems off topic, but I rather post certain information too often than not at all.

[Richiebuoy]

"Your" wife or even "my" wife are figures of speech not claims of ownership so I would ignore the pedantic's on here MC...... and good luck.

[GirlStillStrong]

"Your" wife or even "my" wife are figures of speech not claims of ownership so I would ignore the pedantic's on here MC...... and good luck.

 

I beg to differ.

[MC85]

I was inspired to write a letter for her. I gave it to her at the coffee shop. She read it when she got home. Here is the letter below...

 

"12/08/14

Dear W,

 

I want to express this moment in time through this letter. When we were about to get married you were hoping to embark on a brand new life with me. It was a major step for us after being together for 10 years; it was very exciting for us to celebrate a beautiful moment to spend together forever. We made our vows and were about to have a long journey ahead of us. Looking at it the positive way, we made it through ups and downs in our relationship and continued this far means a lot. This will be part of our memories forever and will always be. It was great meeting your family especially your mom. It was the hardest thing to witness about your mother’s passing. It’s an honor that I was one of the pallbearers. She was a beautiful outgoing person. She will always be in my heart and I know she is resting in a better place now.

You have been more than the perfect wife that I could have asked for. I want to thank you for all the love you given me through out the years. The moments we were so in love, I remember baking you a carrot cake and surprising you. Those times will be missed. The moment we cuddled talked about how much we love each other, eloping. The love letters we wrote to each other. The plethora collection of pictures we took together. The small trips we made to Philadelphia and New York. Remember that time we decided to get married virtually, we did a Certificate of Virtual Marriage, it says that we joined together on Wednesday, October 26, 2005. I still have that little certificate. We were young and crazy in love. I remember how you were so excited to compete for Miss Maryland, and you were phenomenal, I was lucky to have Miss Maryland as my girlfriend. Planning out how to propose to you was fun. I thought about how you never ridden in a limo before, and how that was a perfect idea to surprise you. I remember looking at your face how excited and emotionally happy you became when I announced the proposal. Looking back at those years puts a big smile on my face, I feel lucky to have met you and fall in love with you.

Now I understand what you’re going through. I know I put you in an emotional turmoil when I first told you about the news, plus continued to lie by not telling the full story when you had already chosen to stand by me. How angry and betrayed you felt. How disgusted you felt. How I literally put your life in danger before I knew about my status. The struggle you were facing through out the year, the dilemma of leaving this marriage. I know you tried your best. We looked into couples counseling and I respect how courageous you were through out the entire year. You didn’t leave right away but stood by me and supported me. I understand it’s a very hard decision for you, especially me. And I respect every decision you make. I am ashamed for my actions and the consequences that followed. I am very sorry for all of this and very sorry for hurting you. It is a shame that you never know what you got until it's gone. I love you and there will forever be a spot in my heart for you. Without you, the better half of me is gone and I would go to high heavens to hell to get that part of me back. I will truly miss you and I hope that with whatever decision you choose to make; you will find true happiness.

 

H "

 

She texted me back saying "Thank u for the letter! It's just sooo sad!"

 

"I would have never thought we would b here...but I just can't deny how I feel...I have tried so hard to be ok and to accept it but I can't....I'm sorry"

 

For some reason this all made me feel better because I made her think about it. I know this maybe all over now and all I can do is get myself out of this and move on with my life. As sad this maybe for me, I have my family who can support me. But I'd like to thank most of you guys who responded to my thread. I'm still sad and feeling hopeless that she maybe never coming back. But I believe I can make it through. I will try...Deep inside I hope she can reconsider building our marriage but I can't have my hopes up.

[travelbug1996]

a friend of mine works with women who test HIV positive during their pregnancy. I hear some really heartbreaking stories about these women of all ages, races, religions etc.

 

This has been a very costly lesson for you and I am so sorry that this happened to you. I think you can understand why your wife doesn't want to move forward. Bless her and release her.

 

Focus on yourself and being a better person. People with HIV find love as well. This post just goes to show why its important to know our status'.

 

Warm Regards

[Yasuandio]

I was inspired to write a letter for her. I gave it to her at the coffee shop. She read it when she got home. Here is the letter below...

 

"12/08/14

Dear W,

 

I want to express this moment in time through this letter. When we were about to get married you were hoping to embark on a brand new life with me. It was a major step for us after being together for 10 years; it was very exciting for us to celebrate a beautiful moment to spend together forever. We made our vows and were about to have a long journey ahead of us. Looking at it the positive way, we made it through ups and downs in our relationship and continued this far means a lot. This will be part of our memories forever and will always be. It was great meeting your family especially your mom. It was the hardest thing to witness about your mother’s passing. It’s an honor that I was one of the pallbearers. She was a beautiful outgoing person. She will always be in my heart and I know she is resting in a better place now.

You have been more than the perfect wife that I could have asked for. I want to thank you for all the love you given me through out the years. The moments we were so in love, I remember baking you a carrot cake and surprising you. Those times will be missed. The moment we cuddled talked about how much we love each other, eloping. The love letters we wrote to each other. The plethora collection of pictures we took together. The small trips we made to Philadelphia and New York. Remember that time we decided to get married virtually, we did a Certificate of Virtual Marriage, it says that we joined together on Wednesday, October 26, 2005. I still have that little certificate. We were young and crazy in love. I remember how you were so excited to compete for Miss Maryland, and you were phenomenal, I was lucky to have Miss Maryland as my girlfriend. Planning out how to propose to you was fun. I thought about how you never ridden in a limo before, and how that was a perfect idea to surprise you. I remember looking at your face how excited and emotionally happy you became when I announced the proposal. Looking back at those years puts a big smile on my face, I feel lucky to have met you and fall in love with you.

Now I understand what you’re going through. I know I put you in an emotional turmoil when I first told you about the news, plus continued to lie by not telling the full story when you had already chosen to stand by me. How angry and betrayed you felt. How disgusted you felt. How I literally put your life in danger before I knew about my status. The struggle you were facing through out the year, the dilemma of leaving this marriage. I know you tried your best. We looked into couples counseling and I respect how courageous you were through out the entire year. You didn’t leave right away but stood by me and supported me. I understand it’s a very hard decision for you, especially me. And I respect every decision you make. I am ashamed for my actions and the consequences that followed. I am very sorry for all of this and very sorry for hurting you. It is a shame that you never know what you got until it's gone. I love you and there will forever be a spot in my heart for you. Without you, the better half of me is gone and I would go to high heavens to hell to get that part of me back. I will truly miss you and I hope that with whatever decision you choose to make; you will find true happiness.

 

H "

 

She texted me back saying "Thank u for the letter! It's just sooo sad!"

 

"I would have never thought we would b here...but I just can't deny how I feel...I have tried so hard to be ok and to accept it but I can't....I'm sorry"

 

For some reason this all made me feel better because I made her think about it. I know this maybe all over now and all I can do is get myself out of this and move on with my life. As sad this maybe for me, I have my family who can support me. But I'd like to thank most of you guys who responded to my thread. I'm still sad and feeling hopeless that she maybe never coming back. But I believe I can make it through. I will try...Deep inside I hope she can reconsider building our marriage but I can't have my hopes up.

 

Class act MC85, class act. It is also peace for you also. There is no more wondering, you opened the door so your wife so she could freely speak the truth to you. This is gold.

 

Many of us, here on LS, have sustained a loss, as you. However, never quite comprehend the reason, hand hold on, way too long. Even when the reason is in your hand, even then, it is difficult, indeed, to let go. If the bird wants to fly away, she will always feel the marriage is a cage. You have done the right thing at the right. And you have achieved tremendous growth.

 

I am an old dinosaur that grew up when people around me were dying left and right when this desease was just a mystery. Several of my beloved colleages at the University died early deaths as a result of this desease in the mid 90's, and the mention of it really pains me. However, "No Limit" demonstrated that I am behind the times, and have some unwarrented fears and false beliefs about the illness. And as a dedicated constant learner, I plan to re-educate myself before opening my big mouth again on the subject.

 

Mc85, you did such a couragious and selfless act with your letter, it is admirable. I wish you the best. Yas